People sometimes confuse the terms "emotional self regulation" and "emotional co-regulation" so I'm addressing the differences in this article.
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| Co-regulation vs Self Regulation |
What's the Difference Between Co-regulation and Self Regulation?
When caregivers provide external support to their children, this is an example of emotional co-regulation, which is a foundational step for developing emotional self regulation.
Whereas co-regulation is the process in which one person helps another person to regulate their emotions, self regulation is the ability to manage your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors.
Both skills, co-regulation and self regulation, work together throughout life.
Let's break it down further:
Self Regulation
- Definition: The internal ability to control your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors without relying on others.
- Examples of Self Regulation:
- Doing breathing exercises on your own to calm down
- Managing frustration during an argument by going for a walk to calm down
- Goal: To respond to a situation thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively
Co-regulation
- Definition: The process of two or more people working together to manage emotions and behaviors. This involves providing support, structure and warmth to help someone to calm down and learn coping skills.
- Examples:
- A parent helping a child to calm down by speaking in a gentle tone and providing comforting hugs
- One romantic partner helping another to calm down by listening in an attuned way, holding their hand and gently helping them to take relaxing breaths
- Goal: To help someone to feel safe and understood which, in turn, builds their capacity for self regulation
- Relationship Between Self Regulation and Co-regulation: Co-regulation is an essential step in helping someone to self regulate. A caregiver or partner's ability to self regulate is necessary in order for them to help co-regulate others.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette illustrates the relationship between self regulation and co-regulation and how psychotherapy can help. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:
Paul:
Paul was a latchkey kid. Both of his parents worked two jobs each so they weren't around when he came home from elementary school.
There were times when he was at home alone that he thought he heard noises in the house and he was so scared he hid under his blanket until his parents came home.
He knew his next door neighbors were at home, but his parents told him to never let them know he was home alone because they might call the child welfare bureau and then he would be taken him away from his parents due to childhood neglect.
His parents explained to him they didn't want to leave him alone in the house, but they both needed to work and there were no other relatives to take care of him. They also couldn't afford childcare, so he would hide in fear until his parents came home.
Since Paul grew up being alone much of the time, he was often without his parents' emotional support, so he didn't learn how to manage his emotions.
His teacher told his parents that Paul had a difficult time calming himself down in school when he was upet. She suspected his parents weren't helping Paul to manage his emotions so she encouraged them to help him--although she didn't know they were often away from home.
By the time he went away to college, he was so anxious he was having panic attacks. A college counselor referred him to a psychotherapist for help.
His therapist used her co-regulate skills to help Paul. She also taught him self regulation skills by teaching him breathing exercises and other coping strategies.
Eventually, he learned to regulate his emotions on his own.
After he graduated college, the skills he learned in therapy helped Paul to self regulate and co-regulate emotions with his new girlfriend, Sara.
Conclusion
Young children usually learn to co-regulate with their parents so they can develop self regulation skills as they get older. However, there are times when children don't learn these skills because their parents are not around or the parents never learned to regulate their own emotions when they were growing. up so they can't help their children to develop skills they don't have.
Fortunately, people who didn't learn to regulate their emotions have an opportunity to learn as adults in psychotherapy.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and manage their emotions so they can lead a more fulfilling life.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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