What is a Common Relationship Conflict Between Partners With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles?

Today's article is focused on a common relationship conflict where one partner has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment style (see my article: Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Conflicts Between Partners With An Anxious and An Avoidant Style

According to Julie Menanno, Emotionally Focused Therapist and author of Secure Love, there is usually a pattern to these conflicts which involve the couple's negative cycle (see my article: Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

What is a Common Conflict Between Partners With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment?

In her book, Julie Menanno discusses a common dynamic between partners based on their attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

An example of this would be when the partner with anxious attachment brings up a concern, they often come across as critical, judgmental or accusatory. In most cases, this partner doesn't intend to be negative. 

On a deeper level, this partner is just trying hard to be heard, but they come across as wanting to pick a fight. 

When the first partner is trying to be heard, but comes across in a negative way, the partner with an avoidant attachment style feels like their partner is attacking them. They feel misunderstood and like they're being blamed, so they react defensively. 

They might come across in different ways. They might get defensive and respond in an overly rational way. They might invalidate their partner's concerns. They might also shutdown, which is also known as stonewalling.

On a deeper level, this partner feels unappreciated and they are trying to defend against feeling like a failure in the relationship. But they don't come across that way. They come across as if they're not paying attention to their anxious partner. 

When the person with anxious attachment hears their partner's response, they feel invalidated and become frustrated. They react with anger because they want to be heard. But on a deeper level, they feel alone and they're desperately trying to get their partner's attention.

In response to the anxious partner's frustration and increasing anger, the avoidant partner feels even more attacked. The avoidant partner doesn't want to make the argument worse so, without realizing it, they shutdown even more. But on a deeper level, they feel ashamed and powerless.

These types of conflicts often go unresolved because each partner feels they can't get through to the other partner and their responses to each other only creates more conflict.

Even when both partners decide to let go of the conflict, one of them, often the anxious partner, will eventually bring it up again at another time in an effort to get to the bottom of hte problem. Their intention is to overcome their problem in the relationship, but this only leads to the couple going through their negative cycle again.

After a while, this becomes their ongoing negative cycle with each partner feeling more frustrated and alone.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how an anxious and avoidant partner typically go through a conflict. As always, this vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Jane

Tom and Jane were married for five years when they sought help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Both of them worked at stressful jobs. They also had two small active children in an apartment they owned in New York City. So, aside from their relationship problems, they had other major stressors in their lives.

Each of them agreed that after the initial honeymoon phase of their relationship, they started getting into conflicts over seemingly small issues.

Jane gave an example of one of their recent arguments about an ongoing issue where she felt she had to continuously remind Tom to do the laundry. 

Conflicts Between Partners With An Anxious and An Avoidant Style

According to Jane, they had agreed to divide up a list of chores where one of Tom's chores was to do the laundry. But even though he had agreed to do this weekly task, Tom would often let more than two weeks go by before he did the laundry--to the point where their children were running out of clean clothes to wear. 

Jane said she would remind him a few times after a week had gone by, which she resented doing.  Then he would accuse her of nagging him, which would precipitate an argument.

While he listened to Jane speak, Tom was slumped in his chair with a sullen expression on his face.  Then, when it was his turn to speak, Tom said he realized he was negligent in not doing the laundry, but he felt attacked by Jane and, eventually, he would tune her out because listening to her was too overwhelming.

Jane responded that when she felt Tom was ignoring her, she felt frustrated and angry. She admitted that when she felt that way, she would raise her voice. Even though she often regretted getting so angry afterwards, she didn't know how else to get through to Tom. 

They both realized they were becoming more and more emotionally disconnected from each other.

Over time, the EFT therapist helped Jane and Tom to see each of their attachment styles and how these styles contributed to their negative cycle: Jane had an anxious attachment style and Tom had an avoidant attachment style.

Couples Can Work Out Their Problems in EFT Couples Therapy

Their therapist also helped them to change their negative cycle so they could relate to each other in a more caring, compassionate way.

Tom realized he was behaving in a passive aggressive way by delaying doing the laundry. With the therapist's help, he also realized he was unconsciously repeating a dynamic he saw as a child between his parents who had similar arguments. So, he became much more diligent in doing his half of the chores in a timely manner.

Tom also became aware of how frustrating it was for Jane to remind him continuously of what he needed to do, so he had a lot more compassion for her, especially when he realized how her childhood history was, unconsciously, impacting her in their relationship.

Jane realized her anger was partly fueled by her childhood history where she saw her mother struggling to keep up with all the household chores while her father either relaxed at home or played golf on the weekends with his friends. So, Jane learned in couples therapy to separate her anger for her father from her anger for her husband. 

Jane also became aware that Tom's behavior was unconsciously related to his childhood history, and she developed a lot more compassion for him.

Getting to the point where they each felt compassion and understanding for each other was neither quick nor easy because their negative cycle was so ingrained. But they were both motivated to improve their relationship, so they persevered in couples therapy.

Conclusion

Couples often wait until they're fed up to get help. 

It's not unusual for couples to seek help in couples therapy when one or both of them are already contemplating ending the relationship.

By then, their negative cycle has become an ingrained pattern.

Typically, couples who seek help early on have a better chance of working out their problems in couples therapy in a shorter amount of time. 

So, if you're having problems in your relationship, seek help sooner rather than later if you want to save your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with ongoing problems, seek help from an Emotionally Focused therapist (EFT).

EFT has been shown in research to be an effective modality for helping couples to change their negative cycle.

Once you have learned how to change your negative cycle, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Use "Anchors" to Cope With Trauma-Related Triggers - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, I defined anchors and how they are used to cope with psychological triggers based on a history of trauma. 

If you haven't read Part 1, I suggest you read that article first to understand the current article.

How to Use Anchors to Cope With Triggers

In the current article, I'm providing examples of how anchors can be used for trauma-related triggers as well as other situations where you might feel anxious, emotionally overwhelmed or stressed.

Anchors can be used between therapy sessions to help you cope with disturbing thoughts, feelings or memories that might come up for you. 

Note: If you're in therapy, always speak to your therapist first before you try using anchors or any other type of resource or coping skill.

Examples of How to Use Anchors to Cope

As mentioned in my prior article, anchors can be used any time you're experiencing distress. Your experience doesn't need to be trauma related.

Here are two examples of how to use external and internal anchors (the cases presented below are composites of many cases with different names and all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality):

    Panic Attacks

Panic attacks bring intense fear and physical reactions, including symptoms of depersonalization (a condition where the person feels disconnected from their body, emotions and environment) where there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks are frightening. Some people feel they are losing control or even dying when they have a panic attack (see my article: Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks).

    Using An External Anchor

    John

John can usually sense when he's about to have a panic attack because he starts to feel disconnected from his body. 

His panic attacks have been much less frequent since he started working with an Experiential Therapist.  However, he still gets them from time to time, so his therapist recommended that he carry a small stone in his pocket which is meaningful to him because he found the stone when he was a child looking for an unusual stone with his grandfather. 

When he feels the onset of a panic attack, John holds the stone in his hand and it brings back happy memories of feeling safe and secure with his grandfather, and it helps to ground and calm him. 

Journaling Between Therapy Sessions

Once he is calm again, he writes about his experience in his journal to put words to his experience and to be able to discuss what happened at his next session with his psychotherapist (see my article: The Benefits of Journaling Between Therapy Sessions).

    Using an Internal Anchor

    Alice

Since she started EMDR Therapy, Alice rarely has panic attacks anymore. 

Prior to EMDR therapy, she would have a panic attack whenever she visited her parents. She would feel like she was a helpless and hopeless child again (see my article: Feeling Like a Helpless Child Again During Family Visits).

However, even though she is coping better with triggers involved with being around her parents, there are still times she feels like she regresses when her parents criticize her.

Her therapist taught her to use an internal anchor based on the Somatic Experiencing concept of pendulation, which is also called oscillation in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy (see my article: Coping with Emotional Distress By Using the Somatic Experiencing Technique of Pendulation).

Pendulation is similar to Babette Rothschild's concept of Dual Awareness which she writes about in her book, The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment.

Similar to a swinging pendulum or watching a pendulum on a grandfather clock, pendulation involves shifting your awareness back and forth between a sense of safety in one part of your body to the emotional activation in another part of your body.

In Alice's case, she learned in therapy how to use her felt sense in her body to identify a place of safety. Most of the time, her place of safety is in her heart area.  She also learned to identify areas in her body of anxious activation which usually involves her stomach.

Pendulation For Coping

When she is on the verge of having a panic attack or she is actually having a panic attack, Alice senses into her place of safety, her heart, and she senses the feeling of safety. Her heart area is her internal anchor. 

Then she senses briefly into the area where she feels anxious, her stomach, and she shifts her awareness back to her chest, her place of safety. She continues to pendulate her awareness back and forth between her place of safety and her place of anxious activation until she is able to calm herself. 

Then she talks about what triggered her in her next therapy session so she and her therapist can work on this issue.

Other Examples of When to Use Anchors:

As previously mentioned, you can also use anchors for temporary relief when you feel 

• Anxious
• Stressed
• Emotionally overwhelmed or flooded 
• Other types of emotional distress

Internal Anchors vs External Anchors

The external anchors tend to be easier for most people to use because they are meaningful concrete objects that you can carry with you: a stone, a shell, a picture of a relaxing place, and so on.

The internal anchors take practice to learn. If you're adapt at sensing emotions in your body, you can learn to detect where you feel safe in your body and where you feel activated.  If not, you will need to practice sensing emotions and activation in your body with a therapist who works in an embodied/experiential way.

Sensing emotions and activation in your body is one of the skills Experiential Therapists help clients to develop. It's a very useful skill because you can use it on your own between sessions or whenever you need it. 

If you're trying this on your own, you might want to start with an external anchor, especially if you haven't yet developed the felt sense skill.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from an Experiential Therapist.

Experiential Therapy is an umbrella term for mind-body oriented therapy modalities like:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy
• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
• Somatic Experiencing
• Hypnotherapy
• Emotionally Focused Therapy, among others

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

A skilled Experiential Therapist can help you overcome obstacles that keep you from living a  meaningful and more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City experiential psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Use "Anchors" to Cope With Trauma-Related Triggers - Part 1

As a trauma therapist in New York City, one of the questions I often get from clients is how to  cope with trauma-related triggers (see my article: Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Using Anchors For Trauma-Related Triggers

What Are Trauma-Related Triggers?

A trauma-related trigger is a psychological stimulus that causes an involuntary recall of a previous traumatic experience (see my article: Becoming Aware of Psychological Triggers).

Trauma triggers are also called a trauma stimulus, a trauma stressor or a trauma reminder.

The trigger doesn't have to be directly related to traumatic memories from the past. It can be indirectly or superficially related to these memories. 

When someone experiences a trauma trigger, they often feel overwhelmed. 

Some people experience panic attacks or a flashback, including an emotional flashback.

Using Anchors For Trauma-Related Triggers

If someone is really overwhelmed, they might feel the urge to flee the situation or they might freeze (become immobilized) in place (the trauma responses are fight, flight, freeze or fawn).

They might also try to avoid situations where they might get triggered, but this isn't always possible and, even when it is, it's not a solution to the problem. 

Also, avoidance can lead to a person's life becoming small and narrow with increasing urges to avoid more and more situations (see my article: 8 Tips For Coping With Triggers).

Triggers are personal and specific for each person.

Triggers can include but are not limited to:

• A sight
• A scent
• A sound
• A taste
• A sensation
• An argument
• Certain times of the day
• Specific dates or certain times of the year
• Certain places
• Certain activities
• A certain person or certain people
• Certain emotions
• Certain situations

When someone experiences a trigger, it means that the psychological stimulus goes beyond their window of tolerance so they feel emotionally dysregulated.

Using an anchor can help someone who is triggered to feel emotionally regulated again in the moment. This doesn't mean the problem is resolved. It's a temporary way of self soothing in the moment, but knowing how to self soothe in this way can make a big difference in coping temporarily.

A long term solution would be to work with a trauma therapist who does Experiential Therapy (see my article: What is Experiential Therapy and Why Is It More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

What Are Anchors?

Basically, anchors are different ways of grounding or emotionally regulating yourself so that, when you are emotionally overwhelmed, you come back into a calmer state of mind in the present moment.

Using Anchors to Calm Yourself

There are many different kinds of anchors.

Choosing an anchor that works for you is a personal choice and you might find that certain anchors work better than others.

Internal Anchors

Internal anchors can include:

• Paying attention to the breathing sensation in your nose

• Focusing on a particular bodily sensation where you feel safe, calm and grounded even if you feel anxious in other parts of your body (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Somatic Awareness)

• Engaging in mindfulness meditation (precaution: for some people who have a history of trauma, this can be triggering, so you have to know what works for you)

External Anchors

External anchors can include:

• Touching a particular object (a favorite stone or any small object you can carry with you that is personally meaningful and calming)

• Smelling a particular calming scent (some people carry small bottles of lavender oil with them to smell when they feel triggered)

An Anchor Can Be Listening to Relaxing Music

• Listening to relaxing music

• Seeing natural surroundings in nature where you focus on the particular colors, shapes and, if relevant, textures (some people find it soothing to take a walk in nature and observe the trees, flowers or look up at the clouds)

Next Article

In my next article, I'll expand on this topic with more information about how you can use anchors to cope with triggers: 

How to Use Anchors to Cope With Trauma-Related Triggers - Part 2

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

As I mentioned earlier in this article, anchors are a resource you can use to calm yourself temporarily when you're experiencing trauma-related triggers, but anchors are not a long term solution.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Working with a trauma therapist who uses Experiential Therapy can help you to overcome trauma so you're no longer triggered.

Experiential Therapy is an umbrella term for different types of mind-body oriented therapy, including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) 

• Somatic Experiencing (a type of Somatic Therapy)

• Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled trauma therapist so you can free yourself from your traumatic history and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist 

I work with individual adults and couples. 

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome psychological trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

10 Signs Someone is Flirting With You

Picking up on signs someone is flirting with you can be challenging, especially if they are doing it in a very subtle way and you don't know them well.

Picking Up on Signs Someone is Flirting With You

Flirting often involves both physical/nonverbal and verbal cues, but sometimes it's hard to distinguish flirting from friendliness. 

So, it's helpful to know some of the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of flirting.

10 Signs Someone is Flirting With You

Everyone has their own way of flirting and, as previously mentioned, some of these signs can be signs of friendliness and not flirting. 

So, if someone is flirting with you, you want to look for a combination of these signs and not just rely on one:

• They Make Prolonged Eye Contact: Prolonged eye contact is a relative term. Regular eye contact is about 3 seconds.  When someone is interested in you, prolonged eye contact is about 4 seconds or longer. This type of eye contact doesn't involve staring or leering. It's a soft gaze signaling romantic or sexual interest.  There are at least three different parts to this:

• They Try to Catch Your Eye: This is when someone looks at you until you sense it and look back at them. This kind of soft gaze is usually curious and inviting (as opposed to staring or creepiness).

• They Let You Catch Them Looking at You: If someone who is interested in you wants you to know they're interested, they might allow you to catch them looking at you. Once they get your attention, they might look down or away before looking back up at you. Someone who is a little bolder or who wants to be sexually suggestive might look at your other features like lips, chest or groin as a way to signal they're interested in a sexual encounter if you're open to that.

Picking Up on Signs Someone is Flirting With You

• They Continue to Look in Your Eyes During a Conversation: If they managed to engage you in conversation, they will often continue to look into your eyes and look away briefly before looking back.

• They Have Open Body Language: They are relaxed and their body is open (an example of closed body language would be someone who has their arms folded in front of them). They face you and usually their toes are pointing towards you. Since people who are friendly and engaging also have open body language, this isn't always a sign of flirting--it could just be friendliness. So, you need to look for other signs in addition to this one.

• They Move Closer to You: If they want to flirt with you, they might move their body closer to yours (not in a creepy way). There are also situations, like in a crowded subway or in a theater with seats that are close together, where there's no choice but to be close, so this doesn't mean they're flirting with you. But if there's plenty of room and they sit or stand close to you, this could be an indication of romantic or sexual interest.

Picking Up on Signs Someone is Flirting With You

• They Play With Their Clothing: Playing with a sleeve, button or other clothing can be an unconscious nonverbal sign that someone is attracted to you. Some women also play with their hair. This can also mean they're feeling awkward or uncomfortable so, once again, consider this in combination with other signs.

• They Touch You Lightly During the Conversation: There are some people who touch others while talking and they're only being friendly. But if they're also giving you other signs of flirting, their light touch on your arm or shoulder or a hand or a leg graze, is often a sign that they're interested in you.

• They Raise Their Eyebrows When They See You: When someone who is interested in you sees you, their slightly raised brows is often a sign (together with other potential signs) that they're interested in you. Raised brows that signify attraction is often an unconscious gesture.

• They Have a Flirtatious Facial Expression: Aside from raised eyebrows, someone who is interested in you might look at you warmly with a smile whenever you see them. They might tilt their heads to the side or downward. 

Picking Up Signs Someone is Flirting With You

• They Respond to All or Most of Your Social Media Posts: There are so many posts on social media, so if someone is taking the time to respond to all or most of your posts, this could be a digital sign they're interested in you.  

• They Give You Teasing or Playful Attention: Teasing is a playful way to flirt by trying to provoke a response from someone.  This doesn't involve meanness or bullying. Playful teasing often sparks a flirtatious back and forth between two people. When two people pick up on the subtle cues of playful teasing, if they're both interested, this creates sexual tension between them.  This can be tricky if one or both people take the teasing literally and don't understand that it's part of a flirtatious dance.

Picking Up on Signs Someone is Flirting With You

• They Treat You Differently Than They Do Others: If someone wants you to know they're interested, they usually try to make you feel special in a way they're not doing to other people around them. 

More Articles About Flirting

Here are some of my prior articles about flirting that you might enjoy:

What is Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Sex Therapist and Trauma Therapist who uses EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist where you will find many other articles about relationships, healing trauma, coping with grief as well as articles about the various therapy modalities that I use.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Tips on How to Listen to Your Partner Without Getting Defensive

One of the most difficult things to do is to listen to your partner without getting defensive when they're upset about something you did or didn't do (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

How to Communicate With Your Partner

Most people have the urge to interrupt their partner to defend themselves, "That's not what I meant!" or "You didn't understand what I said!" But when you interrupt your partner, both of you feel frustrated and neither of you feels heard.  

ATTUNE

Dr. John Gottman, relationship and research expert, came up with the acronym ATTUNE to help couples to build trust in each other so they can have a healthier relationship:

A = Awareness

T = Turning Toward

T = Tolerance

U = Understanding

N = Non-defensive

E = Empathetic

• Awareness: Awareness refers to developing an awareness of your partner's thoughts, feelings and current circumstances. You acknowledge your partner's emotions and you can do this by asking your partner how they're doing and actively listening to what they say.

• Turning Towards: When you turn towards your partner, you reach out to your partner when you sense they need emotional connection. This means you care enough about your partner to reach out whether what they're going through is positive or negative.

• Tolerance: Tolerance refers to the ability to listen to your partner's thoughts and feelings even if it's different from your own. This means that if their thoughts and feelings are different, you can temporarily put aside your feelings to accept your partner's reality without interjecting your own feelings, thoughts or beliefs. This doesn't mean that you agree with your partner--it means you respect your partner's experience.

• Understanding: To understand your partner, you put aside your feelings, thoughts and beliefs temporarily so you can dip into and understand your partner's experience. If their experience is unclear to you, ask for their help, "Can you help me to understand your experience?" Your partner needs to feel you understand their experience before you tell them how you feel.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

• Non-defensive: Non-defensive listening is an effective way to respond to your partner's experience--even if it feels uncomfortable to you or you don't agree.  As a non-defensive listener, your job is to help your partner to clarify their experience. This means you focus on your partner's experience without getting defensive or attacking your partner. Before you respond to your partner, ask yourself if what you're about to say will clarify your partner's experience or if it will be dismissing or attacking your partner. To ensure you understand your partner's experience, repeat the basic message you heard and wait for your partner's response that you have either understood them or not. If you haven't grasped what they are saying, ask for clarification until your partner tells you that you understand. When you can respond without judgment or an argument, you are encouraging your partner to trust you and open up to you (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Empathetic: Empathetic responding shows your partner that you can dip into and feel their experience. By acknowledging and validating your partner's experience, you show them that you are responding with empathy. 

Defensive vs Non-defensive Listening

The "N" in Dr. Gottman's ATTUNE stands for non-defensive, as mentioned above.

Listening and responding non-defensively is a difficult skills for many people to learn. It's especially hard if what your partner is saying involves a complaint about you or something that triggers an emotional reaction in you.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

For instance, if you and your partner live together and you have agreed to fold the laundry after the dryer stops and you don't do it, your partner might say, "We agreed to fold the clothes when the dryer stops, but you didn't do that and now the clothes are all wrinkled." Your immediate reaction might be, "Don't tell me what to do! You're not my mother!"

Maybe you react this way because you feel your partner is trying to control you. Or, maybe you react this way because you feel embarrassed that you didn't live up to your part of the agreement. 

Either way, you're responding defensively, and you need to learn to calm yourself so you can respond non-defensively.

Learning to Self Soothe to Respond Non-defensively

In the example above, regardless of why you reacted defensively, you need to learn to self soothe by calming yourself before you respond to your partner.

You can do this by:

• Slowing down: Even though you might want to lash out at your partner by interrupting them or invalidating their experience, take a moment to slow down and calm yourself. Focus on relaxing your body by breathing. If your partner isn't sure what you're doing, explain to them that you're trying to calm yourself so you can respond empathetically.

Slow Down and Breathe to Calm Yourself

• Don't Take Your Partner's Comments Personally: Even though your partner is annoyed and might be angry with you, try not to take their comments personally. Try to understand that they're trying to communicate what is making them unhappy and what they want to change. If you see it from that perspective, you're less likely to get triggered and respond defensively.

• Ask For Clarification: If you're not understanding what your partner is trying to tell you, ask for clarification so you don't jump to conclusions about what they're saying.

• Take a Break: If you're having a hard time calming yourself, tell your partner you want to take a break so you can regroup and come back to discuss the issue calmly. Before you take a break, make sure you both agree on the timeframe to come back to talk (Will it be in 10 minutes? or 30 minutes?) and then return at the appointed time in a calmer state. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Most of us were not taught how to communicate in a non-defensive way with a partner.

Get Help in Therapy to Improve Your Relationship

A skilled psychotherapist, who works with couples, can help you to develop non-defensive communication skills.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health practitioner so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Each Other?

In a prior article, I discussed the difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

What's the Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Secrets in a Relationship?

Aside from maintaining your own privacy in a healthy way, there can be other healthy reasons for maintaining certain secrets.

Discovering Secrets in a Relationship

Healthy Secrets

An example of a healthy secret would be a surprise. For instance, if one of the partners is planning to propose, they would probably want to surprise and delight their partner by taking them to their favorite restaurant and proposing with an engagement ring.

Similarly, one of the partners might want to surprise the other with a gift, a birthday party or a much desired vacation.

In both cases, these secrets were temporary and would add to the partner's pleasure.

Unhealthy Secrets

Unhealthy secrets include but are not limited to:

• Hiding Deceitful Behavior: Using a secret to hide deceit; manipulation; betrayal, lying, including lies of omission, often leads to mistrust and can ruin a relationship.  An example of this would be infidelity, including emotional infidelity.

• Hiding Serious Issues: Hiding serious issues, like serious medical problems; financial issues, including financial infidelity; an addiction, among other issues, can weaken or destroy a relationship. 

Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Their Partner?

There can be many reasons why people keep secrets from their partner, including:

• Maintaining Power and Control: The partner who is keeping a secret to maintain power and control over their partner is engaging in an unhealthy dynamic. Maintaining this dynamic can lead to a decrease in emotional intimacy, emotional distancing, resentment and the potential demise of the relationship.

• Feeling Shame and Guilt: Someone who feels ashamed or guilty about something they did will often keep it a secret because they fear their partner will reject or leave them.

• Feeling Fear of Criticism and Judgment: Even if a partner doesn't leave, they might be critical or judgmental about what their partner did, so the partner keeps it a secret so they don't have to deal with the criticism or judgment.

Keeping a Secret Due to Fear of Criticism

• Avoidance: Related to the above, someone might want to tell their partner about their secret, but they fear how their partner might react, so they procrastinate. The procrastination might be short term or it can be indefinite.

• Experiencing Lack of Trust in the Partner: When someone doesn't trust their partner, they might not want to be vulnerable by revealing what they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Communication Skills: Someone who doesn't have good communication skills might not know how to reveal something negative to their partner, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Interpersonal Skills: Someone who has poor interpersonal skills might not know how to approach their partner about something they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Relationship Skills: Similar to poor interpersonal skills, someone who has poor relationship skills might not understand the importance of being open and honest with their partner. In many cases, they grew up in a household where good relationship skills weren't modeled for them, so they never developed these skills. There might also have been toxic family secrets.

• Not Wanting to Be Accountable to a Partner: Similar to poor relationship skills, someone might not want to be held accountable by their partner for their actions.

• Being Selfish/Self Centered: Someone who is self centered and selfish might only think of themself and not how their secret might affect their partner.

• Wanting Revenge Against Their Partner/Payback: If someone is angry about something their partner did, they might intentionally keep a secret as a way of getting back. This often happens with infidelity where one partner finds out the other partner cheated and the first partner cheats too as a form of revenge--even though they keep the infidelity a secret.

• Wanting to Be the Betraying Partner After Having Been the Betrayed Partner in a  Current or Prior Relationship: When someone was betrayed in a prior relationship, they might want to gain power in the next relationship by being the betraying partner.

How Can Secrets Ruin a Relationship?

• Secrets Are Stressful: Keeping a secret often involves a lot mental and emotional energy on the secret keeper's part, which creates stress.  The partner who is keeping the secret might also feel stressed because they fear their partner will find out their secret. If someone is keeping a secret from their partner, they might are not be open and honest about other issues in the relationship.  

Secrets Are Stressful

• Secrets Create Mistrust and Resentment: When someone finds out their partner is keeping a secret, they can feel mistrustful of their partner as well as hurt and resentful. 

• Secrets Hurt Both Partners: Keeping a secret hurts both people. The secret becomes burdensome for the secret keeper. Snt,ecrets also create emotional distance between the two partners, which can result in loneliness for both people (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're the secret keeper or you're in a relationship where you have discovered your partner has been keeping a secret, you don't have to struggle alone. You could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're the one who is keeping a secret, being able to let go of a burdensome secret can free you from guilt and shame.  You can also work with a skilled therapist to how you want to deal with the issue.

If you're the one who has discovered a secret, you might feel overwhelmed with emotions that a licensed mental health professional can help you to work through.

Couples therapy can help you to work through a betrayal and strengthen your relationship, if you choose to stay together, or end your relationship in an amicable way, if you choose to end the relationship, so you don't bring issues from the current relationship to the next relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.