Psychological manipulation or gaslighting involves someone else controlling your thoughts, emotions or behavior (see my article: What Are 7 Signs You're Being Gaslighted?).
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| What is Psychological Manipulation? |
The primary goal of psychological manipulation is control.
The manipulation can be subtle or it can be more overt.
In addition, the person doing the manipulation might or might not be aware they're manipulating.
Manipulation can start out relatively small and build up over time, which makes it difficult for you to realize you're being manipulated.
Sometimes people who are outside of this dynamic can detect the manipulation more easily than you can.
You might not want to believe that someone close to you is trying to manipulate you so you might second guess yourself about what's going on.
Why is Psychological Manipulation So Damaging?
As mentioned above, you might not recognize you're being manipulated which can cause you to be in denial about it.
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| What is Psychological Manipulation? |
In addition, over time, you might lose trust in your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and, instead, you rely solely on the person who is manipulating you. This means you're giving up your power to the person manipulating you.
See my articles:
What Are the Signs You're Being Manipulated in a Relationship?
The following list includes some of the most common signs that you're being manipulated.
Your partner might exhibit some of these signs and not others:
- They Blame You for Their Actions: They don't take responsibility for the things they do. Instead, they blame you. If they lose their temper, go out and binge drink or engage in other destructive behavior, they blame you. From their perspective, you made them do it.
- They Try to Convince You That You're Wrong: They make excuses for their behavior. They might try to twist what happened to get you to appear as if you're the one who is wrong and they're right. They also tend to be relentless in getting you to take the blame for whatever happened and they don't stop until you say you were wrong.
- They Put Words in Your Mouth and Distort What You Say: People who are highly skilled at manipulation know how to turn your words against you until you're convinced of what they're saying. However, what they're doing is distorting your words through trickery so they can have the upper hand in the situation. And, if you don't realize this, you might allow your partner to do this and then you doubt yourself.
- They Blame You If You Don't Trust Them: If you don't go along with their manipulation, they tend to portray themselves as being trustworthy (when they're not) and blame you for not trusting them--even if, objectively, they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy many times.
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| What is Psychological Manipulation? |
- They Keep Secrets: Whether their secrets are big or small, they tend to keep secrets from you. The secrets might involve where they are, who they're with or what they're doing. Even when you find out about their secrets and it makes no sense to you why they're keeping this secret, the problem isn't necessarily about the particular secret--it's about the fact that they're withholding information from you as a way to have the upper hand. In addition, if they find out you didn't tell them something that you weren't necessarily keeping a secret (e.g., going to the mall with a friend), they can get upset that there's something you're doing--no matter how innocent--that they don't know about because it means they're not in control of this aspect of your life. So, there's a double standard here about what they feel is okay for them and what they feel is okay for you.
- They Don't Like You to Have Privacy: This is similar to keeping secrets. Even if you've given them no reason to mistrust you, they want to know everything that's going on with you--who you saw, who you spoke to, where you went, when you went and so on. They might also want to check your phone, email and texts so you don't have any privacy because when you have privacy, they can't control that part of your life which makes them feel uncomfortable. But when it comes to their privacy, they insist on it. Once again, this is about control and it's another double standard (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?).
- They Try to Make You Feel Guilty: They can try to make you feel guilty in a number of different ways. For instance, if you made a mistake, they might keep bringing it up as a way to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. They might keep bringing up your mistakes long after they occurred. This is another way they try to control you.
- They Use Passive Aggressive Tactics: When they're angry with you, instead of talking about it directly, they act out in ways they know would annoy you to get back at you. Then, they might deny they were behaving in a passive aggressive way out of spite.
- They Use Your Trust Against You: They might offer to help you in your time of need. Then, when you trust them and accept their help, they put you down for needing and accepting their help. They try to make you feel like you're "weak" for needing their help--even if they offered to help.
- They Don't Like You to See Friends and Family: People who are highly manipulative know that if you have loved ones in your life, generally speaking, you're less likely to allow yourself to be manipulated because you'll be getting feedback from others about your partner's behavior, which your partner won't like. They want to be the only ones who influence and control you so your loved ones are threatening to your partner.
- They Start Arguments About Little Things: Even if you want to be easygoing and agreeable, a partner who wants to manipulate you might start a small fight with you as a way to get you to give in to them. Their strategy is to control you.
- They Blame You For Other People's Actions: In addition to blaming you about their actions, they might blame you for other people's actions. For instance, if someone at a party flirts with you and, objectively, you didn't encourage this behavior, instead of blaming the other person for flirting, your partner finds a way to blame you. They might say you encouraged the flirting by what you wore to the party or how you spoke or anything else. This type of behavior often gets confused with jealousy, but it's really about manipulation.
- They Talk Down to You and Belittle You: They speak to you in a condescending way. This is a form of emotional abuse. They want you to feel inferior to them or that you wouldn't be able to survive without them (see my article: Belittling Behavior in Relationships).
- They Behave in a Self Centered Way: They make the relationship center around them. If you need their emotional support, they invalidate your feelings. They might point out that either they have it much harder than you do and tell you that you have no right to your feelings. This is a form of narcissism and emotional abuse (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).
There are many other ways that a partner can manipulate, but the ones mentioned above are some of the most common ones. And, as previously mentioned, your partner doesn't have to exhibit all of these signs in order to be manipulative.
This article focused on psychological manipulation between two partners in a relationship, but this form of manipulation can occur between any two or more people.
Get Help in Therapy
Psychological manipulation is damaging to your self esteem and your sense of self.
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| Get Help in Therapy |
Over time, you might feel so disempowered that, even when you realize you're being manipulated, you continue to give away your power to your partner because you have become increasingly emotionally dependent upon them.
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome this problem.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist
With over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.