In an earlier article I discussed how to Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
If you haven't read that article, I suggest you click on the link above to read it.
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| Complaining vs Criticizing |
As a brief recap, Dr. John Gottman, a world renown relationship expert and author, used the phrase "four horsemen of the apocalypse" to emphasize the destructiveness of these four ways of communicating which can destroy a relationship.
What Are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
The four horsemen of the apocalypse include:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
In the earlier article I discuss each one in detail.
In this article I'm focusing on the difference between a complaint and a criticism because people often confuse them with each other.
I'm also discussing the destructiveness of contempt, how criticism can lead to contempt and how stonewalling affects a relationship.
What's the Difference Between a Complaint and a Criticism?
Whereas criticism is an attack on a person's character or personality, a complaint is about a person's behavior.
An Example of a Complaint:
"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday."
Notice that the complaint focused on something that the other person did and how it made the partner complaining feel. It's usually about something that happened or is happening. It's not a general attack on the other partner.
An Example of a Criticism:
"You're so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."
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| Complaining vs Criticizing |
Notice that the criticism focused on the partner's character. Also, the partner who is criticizing doesn't use an "I" message to reflect how they feel or how they were affected.
An Example of a Complaint With Criticism:
People often combine complaints with criticism:
"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday. You were so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."
In the example above where a complaint is combined with criticism, the person who is saying this to their partner undermines their message because their partner is likely to focus on the criticism of their character instead of the complaint. This will often lead to a bigger argument where each person is criticizing the other.
Instead of addressing their partner's hurt feelings, the other partner will probably get defensive, which is also one of Dr. Gottman's four horsemen. This will lead the couple even farther astray.
What is Defensiveness?
Defensiveness is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.
Defensiveness usually involves becoming reactive without listening to what your partner is saying (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).
Defensiveness is a negative defense mechanism that people use when they want to deny, dismiss or deflect what their partner is saying.
People who use defensiveness often use it when they feel unworthy because of their partner's complaint, criticism or contempt.
They might try to externalize the problem by blaming their partner, other people or other circumstances when they might really know they were at fault.
Sometimes people use defensive strategies when they're lying, trying to hide the truth or feeling guilty.
Whichever defensive strategy they use, they're not taking responsibility.
An Example of Defensiveness in Response to Criticism:
"I have a lot of things on my mind. You can't expect me to remember everything!"
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| Complaining vs Criticizing |
This often leads couples to argue about who is shouldering more responsibility, who is busier, who is more giving, and so on.
Instead of addressing the partner's hurt feelings about forgetting their birthday, they're escalating into other topics instead of addressing the current problem.
This often reflects a couple's negative cycle in their relationship where they're unable to resolve problems.
How Can Criticism Lead to Contempt?
Contempt can be used without or without criticism.
When couples have a tendency to use criticism in their arguments, they can devolve into showing contempt for each other.
According to Dr. Gottman, contempt is the worst of the four horsemen and, if it's a big part of a couple's communication pattern, contempt can destroy the relationship.
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| Complaining vs Contempt |
Contempt is when you express scorn and convey you feel your partner is worthless and beneath your consideration.
If you show contempt for a partner, you're acting in a mean and disdainful way.
Contempt can be shown with words, a facial expression or a gesture.
Examples of contempt include:
- Mocking your partner
- Using sarcasm or hostile humor
- Treating your partner with disrespect
- Calling your partner names
- Mimicking your partner in a hostile way
- Rolling your eyes at them
- Sneering at them
- Conveying your moral, ethical or characterological superiority over your partner
When you show contempt, you're essentially telling your partner that you're better than them.
The reason why ongoing contempt can destroy a relationship is that it's usually fueled by long-standing negative thoughts and feelings about a partner and it can lead to more criticism and contempt.
As a result, conflicts aren't resolved.
What is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.
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| Stonewalling |
Stonewalling occurs when you and/or your partner withdraw from communicating with each other (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)
Stonewalling can include:
- Being unresponsive
- Giving the silent treatment
- Giving short answers during a discussion or argument
- Dismissing your partner's emotions or concerns
- Changing the subject
- Refusing to make eye contact
- Refusing to answer questions
- Walking away
- Disconnecting emotionally from your partner (even if you're physically present)
Anyone can engage in stonewalling.
Stonewalling often occurs when someone has an avoidant attachment style or someone tends to avoid conflict because it makes them feel too uncomfortable.
It occurs when someone either feels a general discomfort with talking about their emotions or they feel overwhelmed by a discussion or argument and they don't know how to say they need a break (or they don't know they need a break).
Based only on their outward appearance, someone who is stonewalling might appear like they're in a calm or neutral mood, but inside they're feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Whether one or both people are criticizing, showing contempt or stonewalling, problems don't get resolved. This can lead to a pile up of unresolved arguments and resentment over time.
In my next article, I'll focus on the problem of "kitchen sinking" during an argument, which means when one or both partners bring up unrelated grievances or past grievances during an argument.
Getting Help in Therapy
Many people find it challenging to communicate with their partner when they're angry or hurt without using criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.
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| Getting Help in Couples Therapy |
This is usually because they never learned to communicate effectively in a relationship.
If you and your partner are having communication problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.
A skilled couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate effectively with your partner so you can resolve problems in your relationship and have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.