On a recent "Reimagining Love" podcast called "When You're the Affair Partner," podcast host Dr. Alexandra Solomon focused on affair partners, also known as the "other woman" or the "other man" (see my articles: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together and Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).
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| The Role of the Affair Partner |
In her discussion she distinguished these nonconsensual nonmonogamous relationships from consensual nonmonogamous relationships where all parties involved know about and consent to nonmonogamy.
This was a compassionate discussion about being in the role of the affair partner, how being in this role affects the affair partner as well as the betraying partner (the person cheating) and the betrayed partner (the person being cheated on).
How Does the Affair Partner Make Sense of Their Role in the Affair?
She explained the role of cognitive dissonance in getting into, remaining and making sense of being part of an affair by providing examples of internal messages the affair partner might give themselves.
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| The Affair Partner and Cognitive Dissonance |
As I discussed in a prior article, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior.
The internal messages an affair partner might give themself to make sense of being part of an affair and assuage guilt might be:
- "I'm single. I'm not cheating." or
- "I'm not responsible for their unhappy marriage."
Dr. Solomon addressed these internal messages in a nonjudgmental way by saying that although the affair partner isn't responsible for the couple's marriage, they're still participating in it and, even if the betrayed partner doesn't know the affair partner, the affair partner is part of the primary couple's triangle so, in that sense, the affair partner is in a relationship with both the betraying and betrayed partners.
How Can the Affair Partner Get Curious About Their Cognitive Dissonance?
Throughout the podcast, Dr. Solomon recommended that, in order to understand their cognitive dissonance, the affair partner can go beyond thinking about the affair in terms of right and wrong by getting curious about it and asking themselves:
- What set me up to be okay with the affair?
- What am I continuing to do to make it okay for myself?
- Where can I go from here?
What is the Affair Partner Ignoring or Overriding Internally?
These might include internal messages such as:
- It's not a big deal.
- I'm not doing anything wrong.
What the Affair Partner Already Knows But Might Be Ignoring
- Keeping a Narrow Focus: This is a coping mechanism that keeps the affair partner from seeing the whole picture. By keeping the focus narrow, the affair partner keeps the focus on the affair and not on the primary relationship/marriage. This helps to reduce guilt and shame, but it comes as the expense of being aware of the entire situation.
- Having a Wide Focus Instead: Instead of having a narrow focus, Dr. Solomon recommends widening the lens to take in the whole situation, which is essential for a healthy relationship.
How Does the Affair Partner Reduce Empathy?
By reducing empathy for the betrayed partner, the affair partner cuts off their awareness of how the affair is affecting the betrayed partner.
Dr. Solomon suggests that the affair partner asks the following questions:
- What am I telling myself about the betrayed partner to maintain cognitive dissonance?
- Do I tell myself that the betrayed partner is mean? Checked out? Or a sucker?
According to Dr. Solomon, by reducing empathy, the affair partner is shrinking the betrayed partner. She suggests that the affair partner ask themself: What price am I paying for reducing empathy?
What is the Emotional Impact of Participating in a Relationship That is Duplicitous?
Questions to Consider:
- Can I stand in my integrity while being in a duplicitous relationship?
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| The Role of the Affair Partner |
- What am I telling myself about my integrity?
- Am I compromising my experience of wholeness?
- How is duplicity creeping into other areas of my life?
What is the Internal Message Regarding Self Worth?
Questions to Consider:
- Am I telling myself I only deserve crumbs and not a full relationship?
- What am I telling myself about my own worthiness?
- Is this related to my early personal history in my family of origin? (more about this below)
- How might being in an affair reinforce the belief that I only deserve crumbs?
What Drew the Affair Partner to the Affair?
Dr. Solomon names three factors which will be explained below:
- 1. Goodness of Fit
- 2. Object of Desire Self Consciousness
- 3. Redoing a Childhood Wound
1. Goodness of Fit
Goodness of fit refers to what the affair partner was available for at the point in their life when they started the affair.
This might include:
- Boundary Issues: Micro-boundary crossings at the beginning of the affair
- Past Relationship: Coming out of a past relationship where there was infidelity and the current affair partner was the betrayed partner in the prior relationship. This could involve what Freud termed "repetition compulsion" where this person is now repeating the infidelity but this time they're the affair partner instead of the betrayed partner. This choice, which is often unconscious, is an attempt to master the past affair which was confusing and upsetting.
- Romantic or Erotic Connection: An affair has what Dr. Jack Morin, Ph.D., sex therapist and resarcher, called the Erotic Equation which is made up of attraction plus obstacles. The erotic attraction is super-charged in an affair. The erotic connection is also paired with danger (i.e., the danger of getting caught).
- At a Particular Point in the Affair Partner's Life: The affair partner might not be ready for a relationship that requires a commitment and responsibilities at the point in their life when they're having an affair.
2. Object of Desire Self-Consciousness: This term was discussed by Dr. Anthony Bogaert and Dr. Lori Brotto in their paper, "Object of Desire Self-Consciousness" (ODSC) in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy:
- ODSC is the perception that someone is romantically and sexually desirable in another person's eyes.
- This is a gendered construct of a cisgender heterosexual man and a cisgender heterosexual woman with the woman being the ODSC. But it can apply to any gender or sexual orientation, This is usually a part of the woman's erotic template.
- The idea is that the man, who is in a primary relationship with a spouse or romantic partner, wants the other woman so badly that he's willing to risk his relationship, his reputation and everything else that's at stake to be with the woman who is the affair partner.
- This risky behavior on the part of the betraying partner spikes the libido for the affair partner because she feels so desirable.
- The affair partner only knows the story of the primary relationship from the betraying partner's perspective.
- The story provided by the betraying partner usually serves to help reduce the betraying partner's cognitive dissonance so they will feel less guilty about the affair.
- This is often a skewed or false version compared to the real story.
- The betraying partner might also provide no story and act as if he's not in an affair, which would make it confusing for the affair partner in terms of the affair partner trying to make meaning of the affair.
3. Redoing a Childhood Wound
The affair partner might have unresolved childhood wounds where one or both parents had extramarital affairs. The affair partner might have been the one who held a parent's secret about infidelity so that:
- A younger internal part of the affair partner might be unconsciously trying to heal their wounds by engaging in repetition compulsion, which would mean having an affair in an effort to master the old wounds that were so painful by being the desired one in an affair.
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| The Role of the Affair Partner |
- To understand this dynamic, the affair partner would need to be willing to look at their family history regarding infidelity, duplicity and family secrets to see if there are unresolved issues that are getting played out in the current affair.
- As a child, if the affair partner played second fiddle to another sibling or to a parent's career or to a parent's addiction, they might unconsciously crave feeling special with a partner who is willing to risk everything to be with them.
- In addition, accepting crumbs offered by the betraying partner, although painful, would also be paradoxically familiar and comfortable to the affair partner due to their family history of feeling unimportant.
In my next article, I'll discuss how to heal from the pain of being the affair partner:
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.