I'm continuing to discuss the five flirting styles, as defined by Dr. Jeffrey Hall in his book, The Five Flirting Styles, in this article.
As mentioned in my earlier articles, Dr. Hall's book has a heteronormative perspective, so it doesn't address LGBTQ issues--although many of the general concepts could apply.
Even though I'm discussing each flirting style individually, be aware that people are usually a combination of flirting styles.
In this article, I'm focusing on the Playful Flirting Style.
My two prior articles provide information about flirting styles and those article will help you to understand the current article better:
 |
| The Playful Flirting Style |
Summary of the 5 Flirting Styles
- Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. Often, but not always, they have a particular goal of making a sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoy being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but many playful flirts aren't especially intimate.
- Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest, but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out.
- Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.
- Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic.
- Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones.
Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of that and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.
Sociosexuality and Erotophilia
Sociosexuality, also called sociosexual orientation, refers to a person's willingness to engage in sexual activity outside of a committed relationship or a relationship with an emotional bond.
Unrestricted sociosexuality means more of a willingness to engage in casual sex.,
Restricted sociosexuality means less of a willingness to engage in casual sex.
See the prior article for a more detailed explanation of sociosexuality.
That article also has information about erotophilia, which is a personality trait that indicates a person's disposition to respond to sexual cues in either a positive or negative way.
The Playful Flirting Style
Like all the Flirting Styles, the Playful Flirting Style refers to a range of flirtatious behavior from innocuous to highly manipulative. The more manipulative strategies, like the ones that pickup artists, also known as players, are manipulative and can be hurtful.
According to Dr. Hall, someone with a Playful Flirting Style flirts:
- In many instances--even when there's no interest or chance for a relationship
- Possibly when they're trying to get something from you (e.g., a ride home, a dinner, concert tickets, etc)
- As a way to joke around to get to know you
- As a way to pick you up, especially at a bar
- When there is an interest in casual sex or sometimes more
- Sarcastically as a way to initiate banter with you
- To establish a Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationship with you
- Possibly even if you or they are in a relationship or married
- Because they're mostly interested in the here-and-now (as opposed to long term)
- By sexting to get your attention or string you along (see my article on breadcrumbing)
Playful Flirting as Complementary to the Physical Flirting Style
As mentioned in my last article, the Playful Flirting Style is complementary to the Physical Flirting Style.
 |
| Playful and Physical Flirting Styles |
According to Dr. Hall, it's common for people who use playful flirting to also use physical flirting. This can lead to intense sexual chemistry and attraction if both people are interested.
Men and Women
Both men and women use the Playful Flirting Style with or without physical flirting.
Even though playful flirts are usually socially adept, they're often rebellious, they are less likely to adhere to social conventions (as compared to polite or traditional flirts, which will be discussed in future articles).
Some playful flirts can be somewhat callous, and if someone's feelings get hurt, they don't feel remorse because they feel this comes with the territory.
For many people who use the Playful Flirting Style, flirting is mostly fun and games.
Many playful flirts like to remain single to be able to continue to engage in playful flirting unfettered by a committed relationship.
Even the ones who are in a committed relationship might flirt with others in front of their partners and think nothing of it because, from their point of view, they don't mean anything by it. As far as they're concerned, they're mostly flirting for the sake of flirting and it's meaningless to them.
Age
According to Dr. Hall, the Playful Flirting Style is most prevalent among 25-35 year olds--although any of the flirting styles can be used at any time, at any age and with anyone.
Why Do People Use Playful Flirting?
Based on Dr. Hall's research, here are some of the reasons why people use playful flirting:
- It makes them feel good because it's an ego boost.
- It's how they connect with people.
- They often don't care if the other person flirts back with them since they're not necessarily looking for anything to happen.
- Women who use playful flirting often use it as a way to get attention and signal an interest in the other person.
- Some men, who are pickup artists, also known as players, use the combination of giving a woman a compliment at the same time they criticize her, which is meant as a manipulation to get her to defend herself (this is called negging). They see this as their way of flirting but, unlike other playful flirts, they usually have a particular agenda, which is to make a sexual conquest.
See my article: The Sincere Flirting Style
Conclusion
Playful flirting is one of five flirting styles, as defined by researcher and author Dr. Jeffrey Hall.
In reality, people are often a combination of flirting styles and some styles are more likely to occur in combination others. For instance, playful and physical flirting often go together.
Both men and women engage in playful flirting, which is usually meant to be casual.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.