It's not unusual to have differences of opinion in a relationship, but when polarization becomes a problem, each of you become stuck in your position and there's no negotiation or compromise.
What is Polarization in a Relationship?
Let's start by first defining what polarization means in a relationship.
Polarization is a word that's often used today in politics where two political parties are far apart ideologically and unable to talk to each other to reach a compromise.
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A similar phenomenon occurs in certain relationships where each person has such a divergent view from the other that they're unable to meet in the middle or, in some cases, to even get out of their respective corners (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).
Clinical Vignettes
The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many cases with all identifying information removed, are examples of couples who are polarized but who find a way out of their dilemma by taking basic steps, which are identified below.
Vignette 1: Carol and Mike
When they were dating, Carol and Mike saw each other a few times a week and maintained their own Manhattan apartments for two years.
During the time they were dating, they rarely argued and, when they did, they would usually reconcile fairly easily. But their problems with polarization developed once they moved in together.
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When Mike's lease was up, he moved into Carol's apartment. They both agreed this was the most practical thing to do because his renewal lease on the Upper West Side would cost almost twice as much as Carol's rent stabilized apartment in Greenwich Village.
Initially, they were getting along well, but after a couple of months, they began arguing about how much time they were spending together (Relationships: Time Together vs Time Apart).
Mike wanted to spend more time together than Carol, who wanted to spend more of her free time with her friends.
Mike saw his friends occasionally to go to sports events or to play racquetball, but Carol saw her friends a few times a week for brunch and dinner. Mike couldn't understand why she would spend so much time with them.
At first, when they began talking about this issue, they were both willing to make some compromises. Mike was willing to spend a little less time than he really wanted with Carol and Carol was willing to spend a little more time with Mike.
But the more they talked about it, the more heated their discussions became. And the more heated their discussions became, the more determined each of them was to get it his or her own way. This resulted in a standoff where neither of them wanted to see the other's perspective.
Vignette 2: Jane and Dina
During the first six months of their relationship, Jane and Dina were head over heels about each other.
A year into their relationship, they got an apartment together and they felt blissful for the next six months. But soon after that, Jane, who maintained friendships with all her exes, wanted to have dinner with her ex, Susan--someone she was in a relationship with before she met Dina.
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Even though Dina knew Jane maintained friendships with her exes, she didn't give it much thought until the Jane said she wanted to have dinner with Susan. From Dina's perspective, once a relationship ended, she no longer wanted to have contact with an ex. So, when Jane told Dina she wanted to have dinner with Susan, Dina felt angry and jealous, and she told Jane she didn't feel comfortable with that.
Initially, when they began talking about it, Dina and Jane were both open to trying to find a compromise. But as their discussions turned into arguments, they both became polarized in their views and neither of them wanted to compromise.
How to Overcome Polarization in Your Relationship
The following tips can help if you're experiencing polarization in your relationship:
- Stop Seeing the Problem as "Right" and "Wrong": One of the problems with polarization is that each person feels they are "right" and the other person is "wrong." Instead, see the problem as a difference of opinion with neither side being "right" or "wrong." As long as you're both stuck in seeing the problem as being black or white or all or nothing, you'll probably remain stuck.
- Wait to Talk About the Problem Until You're Both Calm: If the discussion becomes too heated, take a break and wait until you're both calm. If you try to talk about it when emotions are running high, it will be hard to find a compromise.
- Keep Moving Towards Each Other Instead of Away From Each Other: Instead of withdrawing and moving away from each other, move towards each other in an effort to find a compromise (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).
Finding a Compromise to Get Out of a Polarization Deadlock
In Vignette 1, once Carol and Mike calmed down, they stopped seeing the problem in such black and white terms. After Mike explained to Carol that he missed her when she was out so much, she was able to reframe the problem in her mind. Also, once Mike understood how important Carol's friendships were to her, he realized she relied on these friendships for emotional support and fun.
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The compromise they came up with was that instead of going out with her friends three times a week, she would go out with them twice a week and invite them over once a week and Mike would invite his friends too so they could all have dinner together. When they saw that everyone got along so well, they wished they had done this months before.
In Vignette 2, Jane and Dina talked it out once they were both calm. Dina assured Jane that she trusted her and, even though she didn't see why Jane would remain friends with her exes, she wasn't jealous of Susan.
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They reached a compromise where Jane invited Dina to have dinner with Susan and Susan's new girlfriend, Judy. During dinner, Dina enjoyed herself and she realized that she genuinely liked Susan and Judy. After meeting Susan, Dina could understand why Jane wanted to remain friends with her. After that first dinner, the two couples went out together every few weeks. There were also times when Jane met Susan for dinner on their own and Dina no longer had a problem with that.
Conclusion
Polarization is a common problem in many relationships.
If both people are willing to talk when they're calm, keep the lines of communication open, and move towards each other instead of away, they're more likely to reach a compromise.
Getting Help in Therapy
Some couples are unable to get out of their polarized positions.
A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to navigate this difficult terrain so they can learn the necessary relationship skills to make compromises and have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotion Focused Therapy For Couples?).
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.