As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, I see many clients who have lost trust and connection (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Vulnerable Feelings to Your Partner?.
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| Building Trust and Connection in Your Relationship |
They're no longer emotionally vulnerable with each other and, over the years, disappointments and resentment have built up, so they come to therapy to try to rebuild trust and connection.
In some cases, there has been betrayal and they come to find out whether their relationship can be repaired after affairs and other breaches of trust, like financial infidelity.
How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship
According to relationship expert John Gottman, PhD., trust and connection can be built over time in a series of small moments throughout the relationship.
Through his 40+ years of research on relationships, he has discovered that small moments in a relationship can make a big difference.
Attunement
Being attuned to your partner is essential to building trust and connection, according to Dr. Gottman.
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| Building Trust and Connection in Your Relationship |
Attunement means the ability to emotionally connect with your partner. It means you have the ability to emotionally enter into your partner's inner world.
He describes the word "attune" as follows:
- A = Awareness
- T = Turning towards your partner emotionally
- T = Tolerance for two different points of view
- U = Understanding
- N = Nondefensive responding
- E = Empathy
Make a Choice: Turning Towards or Turning Away
There are many moments in a relationship when you can make a decision to either turn towards or turn away from your partner, according to Dr. Gottman.
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| Building Trust and Connection in Your Relationship |
The decision you make in these moments can make a big difference in your relationship over time.
Clinical Vignettes
The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrate how making a choice to either turn towards or turn away can make a difference over time in building trust and connection or eroding trust and connection:
An Example of Turning Away From a Partner
Vignette 1: Doug and Alice
After 10 years marriage, one night, Alice told Doug she wanted to talk to him about their relationship. Inwardly, Doug groaned because the football game was about to begin and he wanted to watch it. So, he told her their conversation could wait until after the game. But after the game, Doug said he was too tired to talk and they could talk in the morning. Alice tried again and again, but each time she approached Doug to try to tell him she felt taken for granted by him, he turned away from her by putting off the talk or responding defensively and dismissively. She asked him to attend couples therapy, but he refused. He said he didn't want to talk about their private life with a stranger. Two years later, Alice told Doug she wanted a divorce. Even though Alice tried to tell him many times before this that there was a problem, Doug was surprised that Alice was so unhappy in the marriage that she wanted a divorce. He tried to reconcile with her, but she told him it was too late. When he received the divorce papers from Alice, Doug made one last ditch effort to save their marriage. He promised he would stop being so selfish and try to meet her emotional needs. He told her he was finally ready to attend couples therapy if this is what it would take to save the marriage because he didn't want to lose her. In response, Alice wasn't hopeful that anything would change, but she felt she had invested 10 years in the marriage and she had nothing to lose by going to couples therapy with Doug. Soon after they began couples therapy, they learned how their relationship had fallen apart, and they both made a commitment to work hard and learn the necessary relationship skills that could save their marriage.
An Example of Turning Towards a Partner
Vignette 2: Jane and Bill
Jane and Bill were married for seven years when, early one morning, Bill noticed that Jane looked uncharacteristically sad as she sat at the breakfast table having coffee. He had just gathered up his golf clubs to meet his friends that morning for a long awaited golf game, but he didn't want to leave without finding out why Jane looked so unhappy. So, he put down his golf clubs, sat next to Jane, put his arm around her shoulders and asked her why she looked so sad. At first, Jane told him that they could wait to talk until after he got back from golf. But Bill didn't want to leave Jane in this state, so he told her that golf could wait because she was more important to him than any game. Then, she told him she felt sad because she had just heard about her best friend's medical problems. After hearing this, Bill called one of his friends and told him that he couldn't make the golf game--even though Jane insisted that he go. They spent the rest of the day walking and talking in a wooded area close to their home. By the next day, Jane heard from her friend that her doctor said the prognosis for her condition was good, and Jane felt relieved. She was also grateful that Bill was attuned to her emotions and he was emotionally supportive. Over time, there were many instances where both Jane and Bill were able to turn towards each other for love and support, which helped to build trust and a strong emotional connection between them.
Discussion of Vignettes 1 and 2
Vignette 1 is an example of an ongoing pattern of turning away from a partner. Instead of being attuned to Alice's emotions, Doug turned away repeatedly and he wouldn't listen to her. It's no wonder Alice felt taken for granted by him.
Over time, this kind of turning away over and over again will erode a relationship by sowing the seeds of mistrust and emotional disconnection because Alice sees she can't rely on Doug to be there for her.
There can be many reasons why Doug lacks the ability to connect with Alice. Maybe he grew up in a household where emotional vulnerability was considered a weakness and family members didn't communicate their feelings, so he never learned how to do it. Or, maybe Doug was too self centered and lacked empathy for Alice because he grew up being emotionally neglected in his family, so he never learned to be empathetic. Whatever the reason, the relationship fell apart even though Alice made numerous efforts to try to repair it.
As a last ditch effort before signing divorce papers, they attended couples therapy to see if the marriage could be saved.
Vignette 1 is a good example of how couples often come for help in couples therapy. Sometimes they are one step away from getting a divorce, but they decide to give their relationship one last chance before they give up.
The best time to come for help in therapy is before a relationship has been so damaged. Under Alice and Doug's circumstances, it can be challenging to repair a relationship that has been deteriorating for so many years, but it can be done if both people are willing to work at it.
Vignette 2 is an example of turning towards a partner. Bill was looking forward to meeting his buddies for a golf game when he noticed that Jane looked unhappy. She wasn't complaining to him or even trying to get his attention. Instead, Bill was attuned to Jane and he sensed something was wrong.
In that moment, Bill had a choice: He could act like he didn't notice, go play golf with his friends and then come back later to talk to Jane or, he could respond to her with empathy and love. Even though he knew Jane wouldn't try to stop him from going to play golf, he was concerned about her. She was his priority, so he turned towards her and asked her what was wrong.
Even when she insisted that he go play golf because she knew how much he was looking forward to it, he prioritized Jane and he made a personal sacrifice to stay to comfort her. By doing that, he showed that he was emotionally attuned to her and she was the most important person in his life.
If Jane was sad every time Bill wanted to meet his friends, this might be a different story and it would indicate there might other problems. But Jane's sadness was uncharacteristic for her, so Bill knew it was unusual and important.
By turning towards Jane that morning, Bill was building trust and connection with Jane. He was letting Jane know, "I'm here for you."
If you compare Bill's response in Vignette 2 to Doug's response in Vignette 1, you can see how these dynamics either build trust and connection or erode those qualities over time.
One or two instances of turning away won't ruin a relationship, but if this is an ongoing dynamic, it can lead to the demise of a relationship.
Note: Even though the examples given were of two heterosexual couples, these issues occur in LGBTQ relationships as well.
Getting Help in Therapy
Many people don't learn relationship skills because it isn't modeled for them by the adults in their family.
If you're having problems with trust and connection in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.
A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop and maintain the relationship skills you and your partner need to have a healthy relationship and live a meaningful life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotion Focused Therapy For Couples?).
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.