Limerence is often described as "love at first sight." It's also often called infatuation, obsessiveness, a crush, an attraction, and so on. It can last anywhere from a few months to a few years.
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| Love and Limerence |
I wrote two prior articles, What is Limerence? and What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?, to define limerence, how it's different from love, and describe the various stages that many people go through, so take a look at those articles if you're unfamiliar with the concept.
How Does Limerence Turn Into Love?
In the current article, I'll be describing how limerence can turn into love.
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| Limerence and Love |
Characteristics of a Stable Love Relationship
Love and limerence are different. Love isn't based on fantasies, illusions or obsessions like limerence. Instead, love is based on the following qualities (at a minimum):
- Mutual Agreement About the Relationship: You and your partner are in mutual agreement about being in a relationship and what you want in a relationship (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).
- Emotional Vulnerability and Intimacy: Each person feels safe enough to express their love to their partner to enhance emotional intimacy (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).
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| Limerence and Love |
- Mutual Caring: Each person cares about the other and shows how much they care through their words and behavior (see my article: Are Your Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?).
- Mutual Respect: Each person respects the other and their personal boundaries (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).
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| Limerence and Love |
- Trust: Trust is the foundation of any loving relationship. Without trust a loving, healthy relationship doesn't exist.
- Good Communication: Each person can speak openly and honestly to their partner with tact and respect without fear of retaliation (What is Good Communication in a Relationship?).
- Individuality: Each person continues to develop their own interests and friendships and supports their partner's individuality (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).
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| Limerence and Love |
- Compromise: Each person can acknowledge their partner's perspective, even if they don't agree, and there's a give-and-take as long as it doesn't jeopardize either person's values.
- Healthy Sexuality: Sex is consensual without pressure. Each person cares about the other person's sexual well-being and both are focused on pleasure and sexual intimacy (see my article: What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?).
There are many other qualities in a loving relationship, but the ones listed above are some of the most basic. You might also have other important qualities and characteristics that are specifically important to you, like religion, culture, finances, and so on.
Steps You Can Take to Assess Whether Your Romantic Attraction Can Turn Into Stable Love
Here are some factors to consider:
- Assess Whether You're Ready to Be in a Relationship: Before you do anything else, including talking to your partner, think about whether you are ready to be in a stable loving relationship. Compared to the fun involved with an infatuation, a loving stable relationship takes maturity and commitment. Contrary to what many people believe, you don't have to work out all your emotional issues before you get into a relationship, but you do need to be emotionally stable and ready. Also, ask yourself if you're looking for a relationship as a way for someone else to complete you because that's not a good reason to enter into a committed relationship.
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| Love and Limerence |
- Assess Whether Your Partner is Ready to Be in a Relationship With You: Does your partner want to be in a committed relationship with you? Although this can feel uncomfortable, you need to talk about it if this is something you're seriously considering. Are you idealizing your partner? Are you caught up in fantasies or illusions about what a relationship would be like with them? Beyond being fun and having a good time sexually, is your partner mature, stable and responsible enough to be part of a committed relationship? Are they capable of forming a loving bond with you that can withstand the challenges that come up in any committed relationship? What is their relationship history? Are they trustworthy? If you find yourself having thoughts about how you can change your partner, stop--you're going down the wrong path. Assess your partner just the way they are right now.
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| Love and Limerence |
- Assess the Dynamic Between You and Your Partner: Even though you're having fun now, can the two of you interact in a way that includes the characteristics listed above for a stable relationship? You might not be able to tell yet if you've only been dating for a short time. But assuming you're both interested in exploring the possibility of a committed relationship together, consider any positive or negative signs and how these characteristics balance out for you and what you're looking for in a committed relationship.
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| Love and Limerence |
- Assess Whether You're Both Ready to Work on a Stable Relationship Together: Even the best relationships take work, especially after the stages of limerence. Are you both willing and able to do the work to have a healthy relationship together? Are you both interested in the same relationship goals?
Other Considerations That Might Be Important to You
You might have other considerations that are important to you, so take time to think about those factors. Write them down to get clarity for yourself and so you can communicate them to your partner, if you choose to do so.
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Conclusion
Limerence, which is also known as "love at first sight" or infatuation, usually lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years.
By itself, limerence isn't the basis for a stable loving relationship, but it can be the fun beginning to a new romantic attraction.
Over time, if the right combination of factors are there for you and your partner, limerence can develop into mature love.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.