In the past, I've discussed exploring your sexual fantasies as a way to discover what you like sexually. In this article, I'm offering a writing exercise to delve deeper to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Discovering Your Erotic Self, Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Shame and Guilt, 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Women's Sexual Self Discovery).
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| Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences |
For many people thinking about peak sexual experiences (or any sexual experiences) is easier said than done. Shame and guilt, which are often related to religious or cultural taboos or to a strict upbringing where sex wasn't discussed, are often major obstacles (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).
As a result, many individuals don't allow themselves to have sexual fantasies or if they realize they're having a sexual fantasy, they shut it down before the fantasy has time to develop. So, in situations like this, the process of sexual self discovery can involve seeking help in therapy (see the section below on Getting Help in Therapy).
Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences
Assuming you feel comfortable enough to explore what you want sexually, one way to begin this exploration is by thinking back to sexual experiences or fantasies you've had in the past to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Reviving Your Sex Life By Learning About Your Peak Sexual Experiences and The 2021 Self Pleasure Survey).
As I mentioned in my prior article, Dr. Jack Morin, who wrote The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, recommends remembering your peak sexual experiences as one way to discover what you like sexually.
Thinking back to memories of peak sexual experiences allows you to define and explore what you enjoyed sexually.
Writing about it in a journal, which you keep in a private place, allows you to delve deeper to provide yourself with more details about these experiences.
What Were Your Most Satisfying Sexual Experiences?
Take your time to think about these memories and when you write about them, give as much detail as possible on each one, including:
- What was the situation?
- Who were you with?
- Where were you?
- What sexual activities were you engaged in at the time (be specific)?
- What got you sexually turned on?
- What were you thinking?
- What were you feeling emotionally?
- What did you see?
- What did you hear?
- What did you feel (physical sensations)
- What did you smell?
- What did you taste?
If you're having problems remembering the details, one way you can enhance your memories is by listening to music from that time.
Sound can be evocative. For instance, if your memories are from a different time in your life, what were some of the songs you liked listening to at that time?
Similarly, smell can be evocative. For example, if you or your partner in your memory wore a certain cologne or aftershave, smelling that scent can bring you back to that memory in a deeper way. Another example of scent could be your partner's personal scent.
After you've written down your peak sexual experiences, read them to yourself to get a sense of whether there are particular themes.
Making connections between themes you discover in your memories can give you more information about what you like.
For instance, according to Dr. Morin, sexual attraction plus obstacles often lead to sexual excitement, so think about whether there were particular obstacles to overcome or a forbidden quality to any of these experiences that made these experiences exciting.
I'll continue to discuss this topic in my next article.
Getting Help in Therapy
As mentioned earlier, many people find it hard to think about their past sexual experiences due to strong inhibitions or a history of trauma.
If you're struggling with conflicting emotions about sex, a history of trauma or other experiences that are keeping you from exploring your sexual desires, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience with these issues.
Overcoming emotional obstacles can free you from your history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individuals and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.
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