Deep rooted insecurity can create sexual problems, including problems with sexual initiation. See my articles:
Insecurity often develops during the early attachment years of childhood when attachment styles develop (see my article: The Early Attachment Bond and Insecure Attachment).
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| Emotional Insecurity Can Affect Sexual Initiation |
When children are emotionally invalidated by one or both parents, they often grow up feeling they are not good enough and unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).
These feelings often carry over into adulthood and adult relationships, especially romantic relationships.
These insecurities aren't always evident during the early stage of a relationship because the heady new relationship energy (NRE) can mask these feelings, but once the so-called honeymoon phase is over and the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate, these insecurities become more evident because emotional intimacy includes vulnerability which can be scary for insecure adults (see my article: Vulnerability is the Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette illustrates how insecurity can affect sexual intimacy and how therapy can help. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality.
Bob and Gina
During the early stage of their relationship, Bob and Gina, who were in their early 30s, were both satisfied with their emotional and sexual connection. But a year into their relationship Bob stopped initiating sex and Gina was unhappy about this.
Whenever Gina initiated sex, they both enjoyed it. But, even after Bob promised he would initiate the next time, something always stopped him and he didn't understand what was getting in his way.
At first, Gina thought that Bob found her sexually undesirable because she had gained a little weight (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Affecting Your Sense of Self?).
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| Emotional Insecurity Can Affect Sexual Initiation |
But Bob reassured her that he found her as attractive as ever and he wanted to initiate sex, but whenever they were in bed together, he felt too insecure and self conscious to initiate.
The longer the problem went on between them, the more ashamed and guilty Bob felt and the more emotionally and sexually frustrated Gina felt.
After a while, Gina stopped initiating sex and she started flirting with a new male coworker who was also flirty. Although she liked the attention, she didn't want to have an affair, so she told Bob she wanted them to attend sex therapy as a couple.
During the early phase of sex therapy, their sex therapist had two individual sessions with each of them to get their family histories and sexual/relationship histories.
During his individual sessions Bob discussed how he was expected to fend for himself emotionally as a child. Whenever he felt sad or upset about anything, his parents dismissed and invalidated him. They told him he was "weak" for feeling this way and they refused to comfort him.
He grew up feeling he wasn't good enough and that he was unlovable. These feelings, which continued into adulthood, got in the way of all his romantic relationships.
He told the sex therapist that, initially, during the early phase of a relationship, he was carried along by the excitement of the new relationship energy so he didn't have a problem initiating sex. But once the relationship became more emotionally intimate, all of his insecurities came up so he felt too insecure to initiate sex.
The sex therapist referred Bob to an individual trauma therapist to work on his early attachment issues and Gina and Bob continued to work in sex therapy as a couple.
Over time, Gina began to understand that Bob's insecurities about initiating sex had nothing to do with her. She also developed empathy for what Bob went through as a child when his insecurity first developed.
Bob's individual trauma therapist used EMDR therapy and Somatic Experiencing therapy to help him to work through his early trauma.
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| Sex Therapy and Trauma Therapy Can Help |
Their sex therapist, who worked in collaboration with the individual trauma therapist, helped Bob and Gina to gradually get comfortable with each other sexually.
Eventually, although it took a lot of work, the combination of individual trauma therapy and sex therapy helped Bob and Gina to have a more satisfying sex life together.
Conclusion
Early insecure attachment issues often carry over into adulthood and adult relationships.
Insecure attachment can show up in different ways in romantic relationships, including in a couple's sexual relationship.
Working on the early attachment issues and related sexual problems can help a couple to work through their problems so they can have a satisfying and meaningful relationship.
Even though the couple in the vignette was presented as a cisgender heterosexual monogamous couple, sexual problems can develop in any relationship regardless of gender, sexual orientation, sexual identity or relationship type, including consensually nonmonogamous relationships.
Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been unable to resolve sexual problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist.
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise you need.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.