Emotionally Focused Therapist Julie Menanno has written a wonderful book for couples called Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).
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| Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum |
I recommend her book to my clients in my New York City private practice because it's written in an accessible and informative way for the general public.
Couples often read (or listen to) the book together and then discuss how the topics relate to their relationship. The book supplements the work we do in therapy.
One of the topics in her book is attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship).
Attachment Styles Aren't Fixed
One of the most common misconceptions about attachment styles is that you have the same attachment style in all your relationships throughout your life.
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| Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum |
In other words, many people assume that if you have a particular attachment style in one relationship, you will have the same attachment style in all your relationships, but this isn't necessarily true.
Attachment styles develop at an early age, but you can have a particular attachment style with your mother and a different one with your father during the same time period (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Can Affect Your Adult Relationships).
Similarly, you might have, say, an anxious attachment style in one relationship and have an avoidant attachment style in a past or future relationship (see my article: Relationships With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles).
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| Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum |
Your attachment style is often based, in part, on the particular relationship you're in at the time.
What I often tell clients is, "It's not like astrological signs where you were born under a particular sign and that's your sign for life."
So attachment styles can change over time and in different relationships.
You can also develop a secure attachment style either through being with someone who has a secure attachment style or by working on your attachment wounds in therapy (see my article: What is an Earned Secure Attachment Style?).
All Insecure Attachment Styles Are Not Alike
Another misconception is that within each insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant and disorganized) everyone exhibits the same characteristics, but this isn't true.
The reality is that each attachment style is on a continuum.
Julie Menanno stresses this in her book and in her social media, including her Instagram account @thesecurerelationship.
Insecure Attachment Styles on a Continuum
Ms. Menanno provides a chart for the different insecure attachment styles in her work that illustrates the continuum with the following information:
Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant - Extreme:
- Unlikely to seek a relationship
- Sees partners as merely objects
- Very little capacity for empathy
- No emotional awareness
Avoidant - High:
- Unable to name feelings
- Little facial expression
- No awareness of bodily sensations related to their emotions
- Overly rational
- Emotionally unavailable
- Confused by partner's emotions
- Places a higher value on "doing" rather than on "being"
Avoidant - Moderate:
- Able to name feelings but experiences them as shameful
- Over-idealizes childhood (sees childhood through "rose colored glasses")
- Won't share negative feelings
- Appeases their partner and/or shuts down
- Overwhelmed by their partner's feelings
- Passive aggressive
- Escapes through hobbies, social media, TV and so on
Avoidant - Mild:
- In the process of learning to express wants and needs
- In the process of developing skills to be emotionally supportive of their partner
- In the process of recognizing impact of childhood attachment dynamics
- In the process of developing an ability to see their own and their partner's part in their problems
- In the process of developing an increased interest in self growth
Anxious Attachment Style
Anxious - Extreme:
- Talks excessively and repeats self
- Might alternate between anger and crying spells
- Highly controlling
- No awareness of their part in their relationship problems
- Overly identifies with the "victim" role in the relationship
Anxious - High
- A rigid interpretation of the relationship problems
- Feels desperate to be heard and understood
- Expects immediate results
- Becomes emotionally dysregulated at times
- Experiences trust inconsistently
- Gives long narrative of events
- Hyper-aware of any possible signs of abandonment by their partner
Anxious - Moderate
- Emerging ability to see their part in the relationship problems (goes back and forth with this developing ability)
- Confused about "what to do" about the relationship problems
- Emerging capacity to disengage during a conflict
- Emerging capacity to make meaning out of the partner's behavior
- Emerging ability to say the couple is not fighting as much, but they still don't feel close to their partner
Anxious - Mild
- Recognizes their part in the couple's problems
- Able to receive comfort from their partner
- Better able to self soothe
- Less critical of their partner and self
- Able to face and verbalize feelings of shame
- Able to face and verbalize feelings of being "too much" for their partner
- Can talk about their anger in a softened way
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized - Extreme
- Experiences frequent dysregulation and/or dissociation/zoning out
- Difficulty functioning in life in general
- Engages in self harming, risky behavior
- Rapid mood swings
- Chaotic narratives
- Unpredictable
- Extreme fear of rejection and abandonment
- Highly traumatized
Disorganized - High
- Able to function in life but with frequent dysregulation and dissociation
- Very unstable relationships
- Inconsistent thoughts and feelings that are constantly shifting
- Explosions
- Disappears for extended periods of time
Disorganized - Moderate
- Able to participate in therapy with highly trained therapist
- In the process of learning skills to self regulate
- In the process of learning skills to set boundaries
- In the process of learning skills to process trauma in trauma therapy
- Gets triggered easily but in the process of developing a capacity to feel and talk through these feelings
- In the process of developing capacity to become more organized in the relationship
- Starting to develop capacity to appear as a typical anxious partner (as opposed to disorganized)
Disorganized - Mild
- Still struggles when stress is high
- Less intense reactions
- Higher capacity to develop in couples therapy
- Building trust
- Can see things more realistically and balanced when triggered
- Higher self esteem
- Practices self regulation skills
- Learning to provide comfort and seek comfort
- Still more work to do
As you can see, each attachment style is on a continuum and you can see your own and your partner's progress as you both work together to improve your individual and couple's issues.
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| Attachment Styles Are on a Continuum |
Also, as I mentioned above, it's possible that if you have an anxious attachment style in one relationship, you might develop a more avoidant attachment style in another relationship where your partner has a more anxious attachment style than you do.
Getting Help in Therapy
Most of the time dysfunctional attachment dynamics don't change on their own, so if you recognize that you and your partner are having problems due to unresolved attachment wounds, seek help in therapy.
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| Getting Help in Therapy |
Insecure attachment styles can be challenging to change, but a skilled therapist, who knows how to help clients to overcome attachment wounds that are getting triggered in a relationship, can help you to work through your issues.
Rather than struggling on your own seek help so you can have a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.