In her book, Secure Love, Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples therapist Julie Menanno, LMFT, discusses how couples can strengthen the bonds of love in their relationship by breaking the negative cycle that keeps them stuck with unresolved problems.
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| Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship |
I began a discussion about the negative cycle in a prior article, Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck.
In the current article I'm focusing on how you can identify the negative cycle in your relationship.
What Are Negative Cycles?
Most couples don't start their relationship with a negative cycle because the first stage of the relationship is usually the honeymoon stage where there's so much exciting new relationship energy that the negative cycle often doesn't come up (see my article: What Are the 3 Phases of the Honeymoon Stage?).
The honeymoon phase, which is also known as limerence, usually lasts anywhere from a few months to a couple of years. After that, new relationship energy tends to decrease and each person begins to see the flaws and problems in their relationship.
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| Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship |
After the honeymoon phase, when the first conflict hits, the argument usually runs its course and the partners reconnect without too much of a problem. Sometimes this happens with each person agreeing that they don't want to argue and making up is relatively easy that first time.
But after a while, certain themes emerge as problems in the relationship. These themes create ongoing conflict.
Although the couple might eventually make up after each argument, their relationship takes a hit every time they argue because they're not addressing the negative cycle in these conflicts and they often don't even realize there's a negative cycle.
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| Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship |
After each argument they might promise each other to improve their communication, but if they continue to ignore the underlying issues in these arguments--either because they don't know what the issues are or they're avoiding dealing with these issues--they're going to continue to get stuck in a negative cycle.
As an Emotionally Focused Therapist, when I work with couples who are stuck in a negative cycle, I help them to identify this dynamic. Eventually, instead of blaming each other in endless arguments, they learn to work as a team to break the cycle that keeps them stuck.
Clinical Vignette
The following example, which is a composite of many different cases, shows a common negative cycle and the underlying issues that keep this couple stuck and having the same argument over and over again:
Tom and Jane
Three years into their marriage, Tom and Jane are stuck in a negative cycle where they argue about how Tom leaves the laundry in the dryer so that the clothes get wrinkled.
When Jane does the laundry, she folds the clothes right away so they don't get wrinkled. In addition, Jane told Tom many times that it's important to her to do it this way. She said that wrinkled laundry feels chaotic to her and makes her anxious when she sees it.
But Tom likes to multi-task so when it's his turn to do the laundry, he's also cooking and doing other things around the apartment. As a result, he allows the laundry to sit in the dryer and by the time he takes the clothes out, the clothes are wrinkled.
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| Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship |
When Jane sees the pile of wrinkled laundry, she feels frustrated, hurt and angry. She feels upset that Tom isn't taking her feelings into account after she's told him so many times how she feels about this.
When Jane confronts him about the wrinkled laundry, Tom feels unappreciated for all he does, so he gets defensive and, by then, they're well into ongoing negative cycle.
Jane told Tom, "You do housework in such a chaotic way! I've told you so many times that it's important to me that you fold the laundry as soon as the clothes are dry because they get wrinkled if you leave them in the dryer. I've told you how important this is to me. Why can't you do it? It's so simple."
Tom responded, "What's the big deal? Why do you pick on the one thing I got wrong instead of focusing on everything I did right today. I did the laundry. I cooked. I vacuumed and mopped. I took care of the recycling. I feel so unappreciated by you!"
After a while, each of them retreats to other rooms to calm down on their own. By the time they come back together, neither of them wants to argue anymore. There's been no resolution. They just start talking about something else without addressing the negative cycle until the next time it happens again.
In fact, they don't recognize they have a negative cycle at this point in their relationship. They know they argue about the same types of issues, but they don't recognize these arguments as part of an ongoing dynamic.
In addition, they don't realize there are unconscious issues from the past for each of them that are getting triggered.
Over time, the negative cycle affects their sex life. Four years into their relationship, their sex life dwindled down to once a month because their arguments created emotional and sexual distance between them.
What Are the Underlying Issues?
Looking at these arguments on the surface, Tom and Jane are arguing about wrinkled clothes. But there are important underlying issues for each of them.
Jane's Underlying Issues
Jane grew up in a dysfunctional household with two alcoholic parents. The household was almost always chaotic with few, if any, routines. This meant that, as the oldest child, Jane often took over her parents' responsibilities in the household, which was overwhelming for her.
After she moved out on her own, Jane developed routines for herself at home that helped her to feel calm and emotionally centered.
Whenever Jane discovered the wrinkled laundry, on an unconscious level, she felt unloved by Tom because it triggered old feelings from her childhood when she felt unloved by her parents.
She didn't know these old feelings were being triggered. She just felt that if Tom loved her, he would do what she asked him to do because he would know it was important to her.
She didn't make the connection between her unresolved childhood trauma and the dynamic in her relationship with Tom (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect a Relationship).
Tom's Underlying Issues
As an only child, Tom grew up feeling unappreciated by his parents, who were often so involved with their business that they hardly had time for him.
Tom desperately wanted his parents' love and attention. So, he would work hard to get good grades in school and excel at sports--all in an effort to feel loved and appreciated by his parents.
But his parents were preoccupied with their work most of the time, so they only gave him superficial praise, which was disappointing for Tom. Often they focused on a particular flaw in something Tom did instead of everything else he accomplished. This left Tom feeling unappreciated and unlovable.
Every time Jane confronted him about wrinkled laundry without appreciating how much else he was doing in their home, on an unconscious level, Tom felt unloved and unappreciated because Jane's criticism triggered old feelings from his childhood.
He didn't know these old feelings were being triggered. He just felt that if Jane loved him, she would appreciate his overall effort at home and she wouldn't focus on the one thing she thought he did wrong.
He didn't make the connection between his unresolved childhood trauma and the dynamic in his relationship with Jane.
Identifying the Negative Cycle
On the surface, it appears that Jane and Tom's problems are about wrinkled laundry, which might seem trivial.
But when the underlying issues are taken into account, it becomes obvious that there's a lot more going on than meets the eye.
Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples helps each individual in a relationship to look for the unconscious triggers that are affecting their relationship so they can address those issues in couples therapy.
If these underlying issues aren't addressed, couples continue to repeat the negative cycle, which will erode their relationship over time.
Next Article
In my next article, Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples, I'll show you how Tom and Jane break the negative cycle in their relationship in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.
Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist.
Over 30 years of research has revealed that Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples is an effective form of couples therapy that has been empirically validated.
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed EFT couples therapist so you can break the negative cycle and have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples to help them resolve their problems, including problems related to unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.