A common problem that brings many couples to therapy is a giving and receiving imbalance in their relationship.
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| Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship |
These types of imbalances can occur on an relational level as well as a sexual level.
Some individuals in a relationship are comfortable giving, but they're not comfortable with receiving. Others are happy to take from their partners, but they have a problem reciprocating.
Clinical Vignette: An Imbalance of Giving and Receiving
The following clinical vignette is a composite of clinical cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:
Tanya and Bill
Tanya and Bill were married for five years. They both worked at stressful full time jobs. When Bill got home, his work was done. He waited for Tanya to cook and serve dinner. Then, after dinner, he sat in the living room to watch TV while Tanya cleared the table and washed and dried the dishes.
On weekends, Bill either went to a sporting event with his friends or he watched the games with them at a local sports bar. Meanwhile, Tanya stayed home to clean the house, do the laundry and go grocery shopping. Her friends hardly ever called her to get together because she always told them she was too busy and exhausted.
Late on Saturday nights, when Bill got home from seeing his friends, he climbed into bed with Tanya, who was already asleep, and he tapped her on her thigh to signal that he wanted to have sex. But Tanya was usually too tired to have sex, and this made Bill angry.
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| Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship |
One day, Bill got fed up and he told Tanya that she was "frigid" because she usually turned him down whenever he wanted to have sex, and he insisted they see a sex therapist, who was also a couples therapist, to work on their problems.
After getting each of their family, relationship and sexual histories, the sex therapist pointed out the imbalance in their relationship with regard to giving and receiving--both relationally and sexually.
During their conversation, Tanya also pointed out that Bill behaved the same way sexually as he did regarding household responsibilities--he liked receiving, but he was selfish when it came to giving.
She says, "Even if I wasn't exhausted from my job and taking care of all the household responsibilities, I have very little incentive to have sex with Bill because he's never concerned about my sexual satisfaction."
Bill was taken by surprise by the sex therapist's assessment and his wife's response and said to the sex therapist, "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Tanya never complained about taking care of things at home or, on those rare occasions when we have sex, about not feeling sexually satisfied."
This was the beginning of Tanya and Bill exploring their relational and sexual cycles in sex therapy.
They both grew up in traditional families. Gradually, they realized they were repeating the same relationship cycle they witnessed when they were growing up. Both of their mothers took on full responsibility for the home, in addition to having a full time job, and their fathers' day was done when they left work.
With regard to sex, Tanya remembered her mother telling her when Tanya got engaged that, "Sex is a wifely duty" to keep her husband satisfied. Tanya understood the implication was that sexual pleasure was for men and women weren't meant to experience pleasure. She didn't think much of it at the time. But, as Tanya reflected on this in her sex therapy session, she told Bill that she wanted to change the dynamic in their relationship. She no longer wanted to always be "the giver" with Bill always being "the taker."
Bill responded, "I didn't realize how selfish I was being. I want us to work on this as a team."
As they continued to attend sex therapy, they explored these cycles even further.
When the sex therapist asked Tanya what she thought the underlying issues were for her with regard to taking on all the household responsibilities, at first, Tanya didn't know. But as they continued to discuss it, Tanya thought about her mother and her alcoholic father.
Over time, she realized her parents had a codependent relationship where her mother did everything at home and the father came home, got drunk and did nothing.
As they continued to explore her parents' dynamic, Tanya realized, even though she knew her mother was frustrated and resentful about doing all the housework, her mother liked having the control because, even after Tanya's father got sober and he wanted to do his share at home, Tanya's mother didn't want to give up control.
This was a revelation to Tanya. She and her siblings always thought their mother was a long-suffering wife who selflessly did everything at home. But now Tanya realized there was more to her parents' dynamic than she and her siblings had realized.
Tanya also realized that she had unconsciously repeated her mother's dynamic and, when she thought about the possibility of Bill taking on half the responsibilities at home, she felt resistant to the idea.
At first, she thought it was because, from her perspective, Bill wouldn't do as good a job as she would. But as they continued exploring this in sex therapy sessions, she realized she also wanted to be in complete control--something she never realized before.
Bill realized that he was selfishly repeating his father's dynamic at home with regard to expecting his wife to do all the chores. As they continued to explore this in therapy, he realized that he had also unconsciously internalized that "being a man" meant coming home and being served because this was how his parents interacted when he was growing up.
He became aware that he needed to change his ideas about what "being a man" meant and that it wasn't about adhering to traditional and outdated gender roles.
With regard to their sexual relationship, Tanya also realized she didn't turn Bill down only because she was tired, she was also seething with unspoken resentment because she felt he treated her like a maid.
Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to work on at home to try to change their relational and sexual dynamics.
Bill learned to take on his fair share of household responsibilities without being asked. This freed up Tanya so she go to the gym and socialize with her friends every so often.
With regard to sex, Tanya got curious about what she might enjoy sexually after their sex therapist gave them a Yes, No, Maybe List, which listed many sexual activities.
Bill also worked on his own individual Yes, No, Maybe List. Then, they discussed their completed lists in their sex therapy session and mutually agreed on the sexual activities they would like to try (see my article: Creating Your Yes, No, Maybe List).
Tanya discovered she liked cunnilingus (oral sex) much more than sexual intercourse, which surprised Bill. Bill realized he wanted to watch Tanya masturbate because this would be a big turn-on for him.
They both learned in their sex therapy sessions about the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women. In addition, they learned how to overcome this problem so that both of them could experience satisfying sex (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).
It took a while for Bill and Tanya to learn to make these big changes because their relational and sexual dynamics were so entrenched. But they were both motivated to change, so they stuck with it and made changes step by step.
Conclusion
The dynamics described in the composite vignette about Tanya and Bill are all too common.
Individuals often repeat the relational dynamics they observed in their family of origin--even if they thought it was unfair when they were children--because these dynamics get internalized on an unconscious level.
There are often other underlying issues, as discussed in the vignette, like control issues and what it means to be "a man" or "a good wife," to name just two.
With regard to sexual dynamics, few people get adequate sex education and, whatever they do learn is shrouded in shame and guilt (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt).
Even fewer people learn how to talk about these issues with each other (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).
Getting Help in Therapy
Negative cycles are often difficult to change on your own with regard to relational and sexual cycles.
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| Overcoming Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship |
A skilled psychotherapist, who is a couples and sex therapist, can help you to identify and change your negative cycles.
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in both couples and sex therapy.
Once you learn to improve your relational and sexual dynamics, you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.