Since this is a topic that often comes up in couples therapy and sex therapy sessions, it's the focus of the current article.
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| Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship |
Where you draw the boundary between privacy and secrecy is a personal choice, but be aware that there can be serious consequences to keeping secrets, especially if you or your partner feel betrayed.
What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?
Let's start by defining the difference between privacy and secrecy and then looking at examples of each.
Privacy
Generally, privacy is consensual with both parties agreeing to the boundaries.
Privacy is also non-threatening to you and your partner because you have an agreement.
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| Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship |
Secrecy
Secrecy is nonconsensual. It hasn't been agreed to by you and your partner and there's no understanding about the boundaries.
There are often selfish motives to secrecy that only protect the interests of the partner keeping the secret and would be potentially detrimental to the other partner.
Questions For Self Reflection
You and your partner might differ in how you each understand privacy and secrecy, which can create conflict and even jeopardize your relationship.
As a first step, it's important to do some personal introspection and consider the following questions for yourself:
- What are your true motives in keeping something hidden from my partner?
- Are you spending a lot of time and effort in trying to keep it hidden?
- Are you deluding yourself about the possible consequences by telling yourself, "What my partner doesn't know won't hurt them?"
- Are you hiding people, activities, plans or events in your life from your partner?
- Are you hiding financial matters from your partner, like credit card bills, hotel receipts and so on, when you have an agreement to share financial information (see my article: Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships)
- Are you enlisting the help of friends or family members in keeping aspects of your life hidden from your partner?
- What are the underlying emotions involved with your behavior? Fear? Shame? Anxiety? Guilt? Sadness?
- Has your behavior created emotional and/or sexual distance between you and your partner due the hidden aspects of your life and your underlying emotions about it?
- Is your behavior potentially harmful to your partner if they find out or if others find out?
Answering "Yes" to the questions listed above point to keeping a secret rather than maintaining privacy.
Lies include not only what you say but what you don't say, which are considered lies of omission (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission).
Also, consider these questions:
- As an empathetic person who cares about your partner, do you have a sense of peace about not revealing certain matters to your partner?
- If so, what's behind your sense of peace?
- Does your decision coincide with an understanding and agreement you and your partner already have?
If you're being honest about your motives and you said "Yes" to the three questions immediately above, it appears that you're maintaining your privacy and not keeping secrets.
An Example of Maintaining Privacy
Angela and Sara are in a long term relationship. They each know that the other masturbates privately and they have agreed they don't need to talk about the details of their sexual fantasies when it involves other people--as long as they don't get involved with others in real life. Neither of them feels threatened by these fantasies.
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| Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship |
An Example of Keeping a Secret
Jim and Betty have been together for two years, and they have an agreement to be monogamous. Jim values his relationship with Betty, but he can't stop thinking about his ex, Jane. Occasionally, he meets Jane for coffee without telling Betty. He and Jane talk about the possibility of getting back together again, but Jim doesn't want to break up with Betty. Jim justifies these get-togethers with Jane because he tells himself that nothing sexual has occurred between them. So, he believes he hasn't done anything wrong. He also feels that since Betty doesn't know that he meets with Jane, she won't be hurt by it. But one day Betty walked into the cafe where Jim and Betty go. She saw them sitting close together and talking softly, and she felt devastated and betrayed. Later that night, she confronted Jim, but he denied doing anything wrong. Soon after that Jim and Betty started couples therapy to try to work out their differences with regard to privacy and secrecy and Betty's feelings of betrayal.
Conclusion
There's a difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship.
Each couple needs to have an understanding of what the boundaries are in their relationship and honor their agreement.
If you're confused about whether you're maintaining your privacy or keeping a secret, ask yourself the self reflective questions mentioned in this article.
If you are intentionally withholding information from your partner which leads your partner to believe things that are untrue (like you're monogamous when you're cheating), this is considered a lie of omission and your maintaining a secret.
Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you're having problems in your relationship with secrets, get help in individual or couples therapy.
A skilled psychotherapist can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.