In a prior article I discussed vulnerability in terms of it being a pathway to intimacy. However, I'm aware that a lot of people think of vulnerability as a weakness and their reluctance to allow themselves to be open and vulnerable in their relationship creates disconnection in their relationship.
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| Emotional Vulnerability is a Strength |
What is Emotional Vulnerability in a Relationship?
Emotional vulnerability in a relationship is a state of being open by acknowledging and taking a risk to expose your feelings to your partner. This allows you to love them and to be loved by them.
Emotional vulnerability allows you and your partner to connect and deepen your relationship.
What Are Examples of Emotional Vulnerability?
The following are some of the most common examples of emotional vulnerability:
- Telling your partner you love them
- Talking honestly and openly about your emotional needs
- Talking about your hopes, fears and dreams
- Apologizing for your mistakes
- Sharing your feelings of grief
- Sharing your feelings of disappointment
- Sharing your feelings of shame
- Telling your partner why you're angry
- Telling your partner why you're sad
- Making an effort to work through problems in your relationship
Why is Emotional Vulnerability Important in a Relationship?
According to Dr. Brene Brown, author and social work researcher, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy and creativity."
Dr. Brown goes on to say, "To love is to be vulnerable, to give someone your heart and say, 'I know this could hurt so bad, but I'm willing to do it; I'm willing to be vulnerable to love you."
Vulnerability allows you to grow as a person. It helps to build trust, empathy, honesty and a stronger bond between you and your partner.
What is Fear of Emotional Vulnerability?
Fear of vulnerability is common for adults.
But no one is born with a fear of vulnerability. Generally, young children are open and free with their emotions if they grow up in an atmosphere of emotional safety.
But if they grow up in an environment where they experience emotional neglect or abuse or they witness family members being emotionally or physically abused, they learn that the world is a painful place and they need to protect themselves by closing themselves off (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).
In other words, fear of emotional vulnerability is a learned experience. It's not that anyone necessarily tells children this explicitly--it's a matter of them internalizing the emotional pain they experience or witness in the family. This often leaves them feeling ashamed and unlovable.
For example, children who grow up in a family where one or both parents are alcoholic (or dysfunctional in other ways) might see a loving sober parent become an angry, abusive parent when they're drunk.
They might also see their sober parent in emotional pain and taking on the full mental and emotional load of raising them because their alcoholic or dysfunctional parent can't do it.
What this communicates to a young child is that when they grow up, they can't trust their partner. Instead, they think they have to learn to be completely "independent," but in reality, this is a pseudo-independence because it's a denial of their emotional needs (see my article: Is This "Independence" or Shame?).
Often the person who grows up with a fear of vulnerability due to their childhood experiences over-functions for their partner. They might do most or all the household chores, take on the complete responsibility of raising their children and managing the finances.
Underneath this over-functioning is often a mistrust that their partner will be there for them emotionally, mentally and practically. This might actually be the case in reality if they chose someone who is unable or unwilling to be there for them or it might be a false perception they would have for any partner.
Consequences of Not Being Vulnerable
Building a protective emotional wall around yourself might make you feel momentarily safe, but there are long term negative consequences for you and your relationship.
An inability and/or an unwillingness to be emotionally vulnerable with a partner sets a limit in your relationship in terms of how the relationship can grow and deepen. It's harmful to you as an individual and it's hurtful to your partner.
Over time, a lack of vulnerability between two people in a relationship can cause emotional disconnection.
Getting Help in Therapy
If you struggle to be emotionally vulnerable, you might already be aware of the negative consequences this has in your life.
Rather than struggling with your fear and shame on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.
Learning to be emotionally vulnerable in a healthy relationship can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.