In her book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses the problems many people have talking about sex and how to overcome these difficulties (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).
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| How Women Can Be More Assertive About Sexual Needs Met |
Even though many women are more assertive now about getting their sexual needs met as compared to the past, there are still many more who either don't know what they want or don't feel entitled to ask for it. They were never taught how to talk about sex--much less be able to ask for what they want sexually (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).
Many people--both women and men--still feel a lot of shame and guilt when it comes to talking about sex (see my article: Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).
And many people believe that if you're in a relationship with someone, you don't need to talk about sex--they think their partner should just know what they need. Needless to say, this often doesn't work.
How to Be More Assertive About Getting Your Sexual Needs Met
If you find yourself struggling to talk your sexual needs in your relationship, here are some tips that might work for you:
- Identify and Write Down Your Sexual Thoughts: If you can't bring yourself to talk about sex, keep an erotic journal that's just for you. Start paying attention to your sexual thoughts--no matter how insignificant they might feel to you. And if you're not having thoughts about sex, take some time to write about pleasurable sexual experiences you have had in the past--whether they're with your current partner or not (make sure you keep this journal private). This will help you to develop a sexual awareness before you even attempt to talk to your partner.
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| Keeping an Erotic Journal |
- Know Your Sexual Values: If you're not sure what your sexual values are, take time to think about this and do some writing to clarify your thoughts. If you need to feel an emotional connection with someone before you have sex, you can tell your partner and if they judge you, that's important information about whether you want to engage in sex with someone who doesn't respect your values. Likewise, if you see sex as a casual recreational activity, that's also your right and your partner needs to know that. You also need to respect your partner's sexual values, which is different from just going along with something that you don't want. You can respect someone's values at the same time that you tell them that their values don't match yours. No one needs to convince or pressure anyone into doing anything they don't want to do (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).
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| Know Your Sexual Values |
- Talk to Your Partner About General Sexual Topics If You're Too Uncomfortable Talking About Yourself: If, after you write down your thoughts in your erotic journal you're still not comfortable talking about what you want, talk to your partner about about sex in general. For instance, you could suggest that you and your partner watch a TV series about sex--like the Goop series on Netflix, Sex Love & Goop--where couples work with sex coaches and other sex experts on their sexual problems. It's usually easier to talk about sex when it's about other people on a TV program instead of talking about your own sexual experiences. Or you and your partner can listen to a good podcast about sex, like the podcast that's hosted by Sex Researcher Justin Lehmiller on the Sex and Psychology podcast (he always has great guests and the podcasts are interesting and fun). Talking about a TV series or a podcast can help you to get started without the emotional vulnerability that people often feel when they talk about themselves. This can help you to ease your way into eventually talking about your sex life with your partner.
- Don't Be Critical of Your Partner: It's important that when you start talking about sex that you don't start out being critical. That will only make your partner feel defensive, possibly shut down the conversation, and make it difficult to bring it up again. This is a suggestion from Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin in her book, Sex Talks: It's better to try to find something to compliment your partner about and then make a suggestion of what else you want. Start by validating your partner instead of launching into criticism. So, for instance, you might say, "I love how you kiss my neck and I'd also like you to ________ ." You can fill in the blank based on what you want (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).
- Know Your Sexual Boundaries and Don't Do Anything You Don't Want to Do: Women often feel they have to appease their partner by engaging in sexual acts they don't want to do. This includes women who experience pain during sexual intercourse who don't tell their partner and just grit their teeth and bear it. If you're having pain during intercourse, that's a problem and you need to address it with a sex positive gynecologist (and no, not all gynecologists are sex positive enough to understand and discuss sexual pain without being critical). Sexual pain can be caused by many different problems, so find a gynecologist who is knowledgeable and comfortable talking about it. After the gynecologist has diagnosed the problem, s/he might refer you to a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist. But being able to speak up about what you do and don't want isn't just related to pain. It could be related to engaging in a sexual act that isn't safe or anything else related to sex (see my article: What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?).
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| Know Your Sexual Boundaries |
- Know What Feels Safe to You and What Doesn't: For instance, if a partner you don't know well asks you to have intercourse without a condom because he doesn't want to wear one, know that you have a right to set a boundary with that person for your health and well-being. Too many women acquiesce to men about condom use and end up with a sexually transmitted infection or become pregnant (or both). Likewise, if your partner is mostly focused on his own pleasure and not yours, you have a right to say your sexual needs count too. Don't settle for less (see my article: What is Sexual Health?).
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| Know What Feels Safe to You |
- Know the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness: Women often confuse being assertive with being aggressive, especially if they're not used to looking out for their own needs--whether it's sexual needs, emotional needs or any other needs. When you're assertive, you're expressing your needs in an open, direct way without being disrespectful to the other person. You're not being critical or condescending.
- Make "I" Statements Instead of Accusatory Statements: Part of being assertiveness is speaking from your own experience. Instead of saying, "You're trying to pressure me into doing something I don't want," say, "If you insist on having sex without a condom, I don't want to have sex because I don't want to get pregnant or get a sexually transmitted infection" (or whatever the issue is).
- Avoid Risky Situations: Being impaired by alcohol or drugs makes it difficult to use good judgment or to think clearly about what you do and don't want. Misuse of substances can also embolden someone to force you to do things you don't want sexually, so avoid putting yourself in these kinds of risky situations, especially if you don't know your partner well (see my article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?).
Getting Help in Sex Therapy
Sex is often difficult for people to talk about--even within long term relationships.
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| Getting Help in Sex Therapy |
If you're having a hard time talking to your partner about sex, consider seeing a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a sex therapist to work out the emotional blocks that are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).
Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?
Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples. There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.