In my prior article, What Are Green Flags in Healthy Relationships?, I discussed the positive qualities to look for in a person when you want to be in a healthy relationship. Aside from the qualities you might want in the other person, you also need to have a strong sense of your own self worth (see my articles: What is Low Self Esteem? and Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck).
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| Feeling Confident Enough to Choose a Healthy Relationship |
Needless to say, no one chooses to have low self esteem, but early unresolved trauma can leave you feeling unworthy and vulnerable as an adult to making poor relationship choices (see my articles: How Trauma Affects Relationships and Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?)
Along with a low sense of self worth, unresolved trauma can also affect your attachment style in relationships (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style?).
What Do Self Confident People Do to Be in a Healthy Relationships?
The following is a list of some of things that confident people do in order to have a healthy relationship:
- Set Healthy Boundaries: Confident people set healthy boundaries with the people in their life, including people they're dating or seeing in a relationship. They understand their own healthy emotional needs, they know what they need in a relationship and they're able to assert their needs in a positive way. They won't compromise away their needs or put up with ongoing bad behavior. They don't lose themselves in a relationship and they don't abandon parts of themselves to be with someone who isn't treating them well (see my articles: Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries, What is Self Abandonment? and Losing Yourself in a Relationship).
- Accept Responsibility For Their Own Emotional Needs: Since they know their needs, they're able to assess if these needs are being met in their relationship. If, ultimately, the relationship is at a dead end, rather than spending time pressuring, blaming and shaming their partner, they take responsibility for getting their needs met.
- Accept Responsibility For Their Behavior and Making Necessary Changes: Although they won't compromise what they know is essential to their emotional needs, confident people are emotionally secure enough to take an honest look at their own behavior, make repairs in their relationship, and make positive changes in themselves. They're not threatened when their partner expresses their healthy emotional needs. They're open to listening in an attuned way.
- Remain Confident in Themselves Without Constant Reassurance: Although everyone enjoys hearing words of appreciation, confident people don't need constant reassurance that they're attractive, smart, talented, and so on, because they're secure enough in themselves. They know their self worth and they're not dependent upon other people to keep reassuring them.
- Feel Comfortable Being Alone: People who have a positive sense of self worth aren't afraid to be alone. They enjoy their own company and the solitude it brings. This doesn't mean that they might not want to be in a relationship with someone special. Instead, it means they're willing to wait for an emotionally healthy person to come along who can meet their needs rather than being desperate and settling for someone who isn't right for them (see my article: Solitude vs Loneliness).
- Choose Relationships Wisely: Rather than just allowing charm, good looks, status or other superficial qualities to be their guide when they're choosing a mate, confident people use both their heart and their head. They're not in denial or engaged in wishful thinking that clouds their judgement (see my article: Wishful Thinking Leads to Poor Relationship Choices and 7 Tips So You Don't Rush Into Relationship).
- Get Out of Unhealthy Relationships: No one is infallible when it comes to choosing a relationship, but someone who is confident usually doesn't remain in an unhealthy relationship. Rather than wasting a lot of time trying to change their partner, once it becomes clear that their partner is unwilling or unable to give them what they need, they get out of the relationship. This is sometimes easier said than done, but the point is not to waste time (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship? and Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).
Developing a Confident Self
When children grow up in a family where they're loved and affirmed with good enough parenting, they grow up to have a healthy sense of self and a secure attachment style (see my article: What Are the Characteristics of a Healthy Family?).
Attachment research indicates that about 50-60% of people develop a secure attachment style. That leaves 40-50% of people who have an insecure attachment style.
Just because you didn't develop a secure attachment style when you were growing up doesn't mean you're doomed to remain a person who is insecurely attached in relationships. People, who are lucky enough to be in a relationship with loving person who has a secure attachment style, have a possibility of developing an earned secure attachment.
For other people who are not so fortunate or where a relationship with a person who has secure attachment makes no difference, psychotherapy can help to develop an earned secure attachment style (see my article: Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).
Getting Help in Therapy
Working through unresolved trauma can help you to feel more confident and deserving of a healthy relationship.
Part of working through early trauma is working on attachment issues that could be making you feel either insecure or avoidant in terms of how you feel about yourself and your dynamics in a relationship (see my article: The Holding Environment in Psychotherapy).
A skilled trauma therapist can help you develop the tools and skills you need so you can lead a more meaningful life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).
I work with individual adults and couples.
One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.