We listened politely and then I asked his wife about her work. As she began telling us about her business, her husband chuckled and said, "Oh yeah, Mary has her 'little business' that she runs from home. It keeps her busy and out of trouble" (see my article: How to Recognize Passive Aggressive Behavior in Relationships).
Mary looked mortified and she cut short her conversation, and soon afterwards she made an excuse to leave the party early.
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| Belittling Behavior in Relationships |
A Pattern of Belittling Behavior
As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individuals and couples, I hear about covert belittling from clients often.
When confronted about belittling behavior, people often deny that they meant any harm. It can take a while before the person who engages in this type of belittling can see that it's offensive and hurtful to the other person.
As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individuals and couples, I hear about covert belittling from clients often.
When confronted about belittling behavior, people often deny that they meant any harm. It can take a while before the person who engages in this type of belittling can see that it's offensive and hurtful to the other person.
This is assuming that the partner who is being belittled is able to speak up about it. Unfortunately, too often, the partner who is being belittled has endured these put downs for a long time, and it can take a toll on his or her self esteem.
At another social event that I attended, I heard a wife making negative comments about her husband's inability to fix things around the house. She made her comments in a teasing tone, and when her husband got embarrassed and asked her to stop, she said, "Oh, don't be so sensitive. I was only teasing."
At another social event that I attended, I heard a wife making negative comments about her husband's inability to fix things around the house. She made her comments in a teasing tone, and when her husband got embarrassed and asked her to stop, she said, "Oh, don't be so sensitive. I was only teasing."
Apparently, she was either unable or unwilling to see that her comments were hostile and showed contempt for her husband. Instead, she accused him of being overly sensitive, which only humiliated him even more.
Underlying Issues in Relationships that Cause Belittling Behavior
There is no one-size-fits-all answer as to why couples do this to one another. In my experience, like most passive aggressive behavior, it's often due to underlying issues in the relationship that the couple is not dealing with directly.
When I see a couple where one or both of them engage in belittling, I help each of them to see the dynamic and work towards changing it. Most of the time, if the person who engages in this type of belittling has some degree of empathy, s/he will come around and recognize that these comments are hostile and abusive.
At that point, we can explore a more tactful and respectful way of communicating. We can also get to any underlying issues that might be causing these types of comments. Usually, the person who engages is covert belittling recognizes that s/he is really angry about something else about the partner. Or, s/he is feeling insecure about him or herself.
Belittling Behavior Disguised as "Teasing"
Belittling behavior, whether it's disguised as "teasing" or innocent remarks, has the potential to destroy a relationship.
If you or your partner recognize this pattern in your relationship, you and your partner could benefit from seeing an experienced couples counselor to help you both to learn to communicate in a healthier way.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples. I have helped many couples to improve the way they communicate so they could have a happier relationship.
I specialize in working with clinical hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and other mind-body oriented psychotherapy.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
Underlying Issues in Relationships that Cause Belittling Behavior
There is no one-size-fits-all answer as to why couples do this to one another. In my experience, like most passive aggressive behavior, it's often due to underlying issues in the relationship that the couple is not dealing with directly.
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| Belittling Behavior in Relationships |
When I see a couple where one or both of them engage in belittling, I help each of them to see the dynamic and work towards changing it. Most of the time, if the person who engages in this type of belittling has some degree of empathy, s/he will come around and recognize that these comments are hostile and abusive.
At that point, we can explore a more tactful and respectful way of communicating. We can also get to any underlying issues that might be causing these types of comments. Usually, the person who engages is covert belittling recognizes that s/he is really angry about something else about the partner. Or, s/he is feeling insecure about him or herself.
Belittling Behavior Disguised as "Teasing"
Belittling behavior, whether it's disguised as "teasing" or innocent remarks, has the potential to destroy a relationship.
If you or your partner recognize this pattern in your relationship, you and your partner could benefit from seeing an experienced couples counselor to help you both to learn to communicate in a healthier way.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples. I have helped many couples to improve the way they communicate so they could have a happier relationship.
I specialize in working with clinical hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and other mind-body oriented psychotherapy.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.