How Do Traumatizing Narcissists Use Love Bombing, Gaslighting and Degradation to Manipulate in Relationships?

Being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can have a severe psychological, emotional and physical impact over time.

Usually these relationships start with love-bombing to win over the person they are seeing. Once they have won the person over, they change their tactics and use manipulation to maintain power over their partner.

To understand how traumatizing narcissists use manipulation, it's important to start by defining the term "DARVO".

Traumatizing Narcissists Use Manipulation to Abuse

What is DARVO?

DARVO is a term which was coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd in 1997.

DARVO is an acronym which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender which traumatizing narcissists use as a manipulation tactic to deflect accountability and blame when they are confronted by their partner.

The traumatizing narcissist uses DARVO in three steps:

• Step One: Deny: This is the first step in the traumatizing narcissist's manipulation. They deny any wrongdoing or abuse--even when it's obvious that they were at fault.  

Traumatizing Narcissists Use DARVO to Abuse Partners

• Step Two: Attack: Not only do they refuse to take responsibility--the traumatizing narcissist attacks the credibility, character and casts doubt on their partner. This is an attempt to discredit them and make their partner doubt themself. In order to manipulate, they might use insults and threats including threats to leave the relationship. This inflicts even more pain on their partner.

• Step Three: Reverse Victim and Offender: The abuser tries to switch roles by twisting the narrative so that they position themself as the "real victim" while portraying their abused partner as the offender. In addition, the abuser will use gaslighting to make their partner believe they are either crazy, confused or just wrong. In effect, the abuser switches roles and redirects the attention away from their own behavior. 

What is the Impact of DARVO?

Traumatizing narcissists, who are usually masters of manipulation, often achieve their intended results. Since they are so convincing, their partner seems less believable. 

When the partner deals with the traumatizing narcissist's behavior on a daily basis over a long period of time, the manipulation takes a toll on the partner emotionally, psychologically and physically. 

The partner internalizes this false narrative and believes that the traumatizing narcissist isn't the problem.  Over time, the victim comes to see themselves as the problem and they believe they are the cause of their own problems.

Many survivors of this type of narcissistic abuse experience posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if they remain in the relationship with the abusive partner.

How to Protect Yourself From DARVO

To recognize the early signs that you are with a traumatizing narcissist, you need to focus less on their charm and more on your own embodied reactions to them, how they ignore your boundaries, and how they tell their stories.

Traumatizing narcissists are very good at the process of idealization, which can feel very romantic at first but is designed to fast-track emotional dependency:

The Pacing and Intensity Feel Overwhelming (The "Glow")

• Love-Bombing: They shower you with excessive praise, grand declarations, constant communication and maybe even gifts (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Loved Bombed By a Narcissist).

Beware of Love Bombing

• Hyper-Fast Escalation: They push for immediate exclusivity (moving in together quickly or planning a lifetime together after only a few weeks).

• Instant Soulmate Narrative: They claim they have never felt this way before and you are made for each other.

Communication and Truth Are Distorted

• Conversational Monopoly: They dominate discussions and skillfully redirect every topic back to their achievements or their struggles.

Traumatizing Narcissists Tend to Monopolize the Conversation

• Victim History: They describe their history as having been the victim in the past. Every single ex-partner, family member or prior boss was "crazy", "abusive" or deeply unfair to them, according to the traumatizing narcissist.

• Information Harvesting: They ask deep penetrating questions about your past trauma or vulnerabilities which they plan to eventually use against you.

• Subtle Contradictions: Their stories have small, logical gaps, and their words rarely align with their long term actions.

Setting Boundaries With Them or Telling Them "No" Triggers Negative Reactions

• The "Loyalty Test": They create minor crises or sudden plans that force you to choose them over pre-existing obligations.

• Poor Tolerance When You Say "No": If you say "no" to a request, they react with coldness, passive-aggressive behavior or immediate guilt-tripping.

Micro-Devaluations Begin Early (the "Shock")

• Offensive and or Controversial Remarks to Test You: They make a sharp, insulting comment disguised as a joke. Then, if you say you're offended, they accuse you of being "too sensitive". They are testing you and will escalate over time if you accept their behavior.

Traumatic Narcissists Criticizing Partner as a Test

• Public/Private Split: They can be very charismatic and generous in public, but they might be cold, distracted or critical behind closed doors.

• Flawless Image: They cannot tolerate even the smallest constructive feedback without getting massively defensive or blame-shifting (i.e., blaming you instead of taking responsibility).

Your Own Internal Warnings (the "Glow" vs the "Shock")

• Recognize Your Low-Level Anxiety: You feel an underlying tension, dread or jitteriness when you're with them--even when things are going well.

• Beware of Walking on Eggshells: You find yourself carefully monitoring your words, tone, facial expressions and behavior to avoid upsetting them.

• You're Gaslighting Yourself: You find yourself making mental excuses for their abusive behavior. You also ignore your own intuition.

How Can You Leave a Traumatizing Narcissist?

Every situation is different, so only you can judge whether these steps would work for you.

Leaving a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can be tricky depending upon the circumstances. It will require careful planning and your safety and emotional preservation are your top priorities.

Prioritize Safety

• Keep Your Plans Private: Strategic silence is often necessary because if a traumatizing narcissist senses they are losing control over you, they will escalate their abusive behavior.

• Secure Essential Documents: Gather essential documents like your birth certificate, passport, financial records and other important documents.

• Establish Financial Independence: If necessary, secure emergency funds in a private account where only you have the account number and password.

• Update Digital Security: Change passwords on email, banking and social media accounts.

• Check For Tracking: Be mindful of location sharing settings on your phone, vehicles and shared devices.

Establish Boundaries

• Implement No Contact: Blocking phone numbers and social media helps to prevent emotional manipulation.

• Recognize "Hovering": Be prepared for attempts to pull you back into the relationship with gifts or manufactured "emergencies".

• Use the "Grey Rock" Method: If communication is necessary (e.g., you are co-parenting), keep interactions brief, business-like and devoid of emotional reaction.

• Keep Records: Save copies of communication in case a legal intervention or a restraining order becomes necessary.

Build a Support System

• Involve Trusted Individuals: Reach out to trusted family and friends who understand the situation to get emotional support. Don't isolate.

Get Emotional Support From Loved Ones

• Seek Professional Guidance: Trauma therapy can be a vital resource for healing from psychological and emotional abuse.

• Utilize Community Support: Familiar yourself with community organizations that offer legal support, housing or safety planning.

Focus on Your Own Emotional and Psychological Recovery

• Anticipate the Possibility of a "Smear Campaign": It's common for traumatizing narcissists to try to damage your reputation, especially when you leave them or they think you're about to leave them.

• Document the Reality: Keeping your own private record of the reasons for leaving can provide you with clarity especially when you have moments of doubt and you think about returning to your abusive partner.

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on your physical, mental and emotional health. Eat nutritious meals. Get adequate sleep. Exercise at a pace that is healthy for you. Reconnect with personal friends, interests and hobbies.

Conclusion

If you have been in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist, you know how devastating this can be emotionally, psychologically and physically to your nervous system.

The psychological damage stems from a calculated cycle of intense adoration/love bombing followed by systematic degradation, manipulation and gaslighting.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Being able to work through the trauma of being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can free you from your traumatic history so you can lead a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Reactive Parts of Your Personality From an IFS Parts Work Therapy Perspective

In my previous article, I focused on proactive parts (also known as "Managers") from an Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts work therapy perspective.

According to IFS therapy, we all have many different internal parts, which are also known as sub-personalities. This is a normal for everyone's personality.

The problem occurs when these subpersonalities (or parts) take on burdened roles due to trauma in order not to feel the emotional pain.

Understanding Reactive Parts of Your Personality in IFS

These burdened internal parts include:

• Proactive Protectors Parts (also known as "Managers")
• Reactive Protectors Parts (also known as "Firefighters")
• Emotionally Wounded Parts (also known as "Exiles")

Everyone also has a Core Self which is not a part. 

The Core Self is the essence of who you are (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self in IFS Therapy).

In this article, I'm focusing on reactive parts (also known as "Firefighters") in IFS therapy.

I'll be using the terms "reactive protector parts" and "Firefighters" interchangeably because they refer to the same parts.

Core Characteristics of Reactive ("Firefighter") Protector Parts

While proactive protector parts ("Managers") work to keep life orderly and prevent emotional distress from surfacing, Firefighters,which are reactive parts, act like the "emergency response team" of your system. 

Understanding Reactive "Firefighter" Parts in IFS

For instance, if a Manager (proactive part) fails and a wave of shame, trauma or terror breaks through into your consciousness, the Firefighter reacts immediately to "douse" the emotional flames by any means necessary.

The key characteristics of Firefighter parts include:

• Extreme Urgency: They operate with a desperate need to shift, fix or run away from a feeling immediately.

• Disregard For Consequences: Firefighters care only about immediate relief and survival and they completely ignore the long-term consequences of their actions.

• High Intensity: Their behaviors are often highly reflexive, powerful and overwhelming.

What Are Common Examples of Reactive ("Firefighter") Protectors?

Firefighter parts' sole objective is to stifle unbearable emotional pain, so they often employ drastic, impulsive and numbing behaviors. These can include:

• Numbing and Distraction: Compulsive screen scrolling, binge-watching, overeating and oversleeping (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself From Feeling Emotional Pain?).

• Substance and Chemical Use: Binge drinking or abusing drugs to quickly alter or black out emotional states.

• Dissociation and Shutdown: Completely detaching from the body or experiencing a "freeze" response to escape from an overwhelming reality (see my article: What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?).

• Defensive Aggression: Sudden outbursts of rage or verbal attacks are meant to push others away before they can cause deeper hurt.

• High Risk Behaviors: Self-harm, reckless spending or impulsive decision-making are meant to replace emotional pain with physical sensation or high adrenaline.

How Can You Detect Your Reactive Internal Protector Parts ("Firefighters")?

Detecting your reactive parts requires tuning into sudden shifts in your impulses, behavior and physical sensations immediately after you feel emotionally vulnerable, rejected or overwhelmed. 

Since Firefighters react to "emergencies", you can catch them by tracking the exact moments you lose your typical sense of calm and control.

You can identify and map your Firefighter parts by watching for these four specific indicators:

1. The Trigger to Impulse

Firefighter parts, true to their reactive nature, are incredibly fast. You can detect them by paying attention to a sudden impulsive urge that arises immediately after an uncomfortable interaction, thought or emotion:

• The Pattern: As an example: You receive a critical text from your boss (the trigger). Within seconds, before you even consciously register that you feel hurt, angry or anxious, you have already opened up a food delivery app or a mobile game to numb your feelings by overeating.

• The Detection Clue: In the example above, look for behaviors that are automatic, as if you are on autopilot, where it feels like you "woke up" and realized what you were doing halfway through doing them (e.g., halfway through a binge).

2. Radical Shifts in Your Body

When a Firefighter takes over your system, your physical baseline changes instantly:

• The "Numb" or "Blank" State": A sudden drop in physical sensation, a feeling of floating away or your eyes glazing over indicates a dissociative or avoidant Firefighter putting out the emotional "fire" by disconnecting you from yourself.

Understanding Reactive Parts: The Numb or Blank Stare

• The "Tunnel Vision" Surge: A sudden spike in heat, jaw clenching or an overwhelming rush of adrenaline that demands immediate and sudden aggressive action indicates an angry or defensive Firefighter kicking in to push other people away.

3. Listening to the Post-Act "Internal Backlash"

Firefighters almost always carry negative consequences, so they are usually followed by an intense backlash from your Manager parts. 

For example, to find a Firefighter, you can trace backwards from an internal critic, which is a Manager part, to discover the Firefighter:

• The Detection Clue: If you snap out of a dissociated (trance-like) state and your  internal voice says, "Why did you do that again? You have no willpower. You ruined everything", look closely at the behavior the inner voice is criticizing. The part that committed the act, whether it was drinking, drugging, overeating or overspending, is the Firefighter and the part that is criticizing you is the Manager part.

4. Recognizing Common Firefighter Parts

Firefighters usually use specific types of strategies to change your emotional state. 

Reflect on whether you have reactive parts that fit one or more of these descriptions:

• The Soother/Numbing Part: Reaching for alcohol, weed or sugar to chemically dull your anxiety. The motto of this part is "This will just take the edge off."

• The Escapist/Distractor Part: Losing a lot of time to mindless scrolling, gaming or binge-watching. The motto of this part is "Let's just change the channel."

The Reactive Protector: The Escapist/Distractor

• The Impulsive Rebel Part: Abruptly quitting a job, spending money recklessly or picking an argument. The motto for this part is "Burn it down! Who cares!"

• The Sleep/Shutdown Part: Suddenly becoming completely exhausted and oversleeping (12-14 or more hours) when stressed. The motto of this part is "Go to sleep and pull the plug."

Questions For Self Reflection

To map your own system, ask yourself these questions:

• "What do I do when a feeling gets so big it feels like it will swallow me up?"

• "What are the behaviors in my life that I try hardest to hide from other people out of shame?"

• "When I feel completely overwhelmed, what is the very first urge that hits me?"

Conclusion

We all have subpersonalities or, as they are called in IFS, parts. This is normal.

For people who have experienced trauma, especially developmental trauma in childhood, these parts take on burdened roles in order to protect the emotionally wounded parts of these individuals.

One of the main objectives of IFS therapy is to help traumatized individuals who have burdened parts to release these burdens so they are free from their history of trauma.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

Although protector parts, both Managers and Firefighters, might feel like a natural part of your personality, over time they create problems for your physical, emotional and psychological well-being as well as your relationships.

Getting Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

If you have tried unsuccessfully to work on your problems on your own or traditional talk therapy hasn't worked for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over time.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Parts Work Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy 

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Be Empowering? 

What is the Connection Between IFS Therapy and Neural Networks? 

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy