Another Study Reveals There's a Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health

Many clients that I see in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City tell me that they notice a seasonal pattern to their mood and that they tend to feel happier in the spring and summer when there's more sunlight as opposed to the winter when there's less sun.  

Study Reveals a Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health

Most of these psychotherapy clients who report a seasonal pattern to their mood don't meet the criteria for seasonal affective disorder.

Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health
There have been studies before that show a seasonal pattern to mental health.  

A New York Times article by Nicholas Bakalar discusses yet another study with similar findings (see link below for the article).  

The full research study is reported in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

It's great to have the research to back up what has been reported to most therapists for a long time.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you notice a change in your mood due to seasonal changes, current circumstances in your life, longstanding problems or for reasons unknown, rather than suffering alone, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health - Nicholas Bakalar - NY Times

More Seniors Citizens Are Attending Psychotherapy These Days

More senior citizens are attending psychotherapy these days, according to Abby Ellin of the New York Times (see link for the article and a video below).  For many seniors, the stigma that once was associated with attending therapy no longer exists.  

More Seniors Are Attending Therapy

They've seen their children and grandchildren attend therapy and they're aware now that a person doesn't have to be "crazy" to attend therapy.  Also, people are living longer these days, and many of them don't want to live an unexamined life for their remaining years.

My Internship Experience With Senior Citizens at a Local Nursing Home
When I was in graduate school, I was a clinical social work intern at a local nursing home.  At the time, the thinking was that all these senior residents needed was someone to talk to and keep them company because they were lonely.

So, I was assigned to meet with a few of the residents on a weekly basis, and as I met with them, I discovered that they had unique problems at this stage of their lives that weren't being addressed.

Recognizing that senior citizens have unique issues that are often unaddressed might seem like commonsense now, but back then, this wasn't the thinking in the administration.  They were quite surprised to hear that residents were interested in talking about their personal histories and how it affected their lives, unresolved family issues, their emotional and social isolation, their fear of dying, and many other related issues.

A Positive Shift in Perspective For Administrators:  Seniors Can Benefit From Psychotherapy
The administration was surprised at how open these residents were to talk about themselves and their problems.  Rather than just "keeping them company,"the residents and I were addressing important, sometimes longstanding, issues in their lives.

I was very happy that by the time I left the internship, the administration had changed their views, and they hired a therapist to provide psychotherapy sessions to these residents.

Many Seniors Can Work Through Trauma
There is one area where I disagree with Ms. Ellin.  At one point in the video, she says she thinks that most seniors probably will not make big changes in their lives.

Of course, a person's ability to make changes, no matter what the age, is different for each person.  But, contrary to what I understood Ms. Ellin to say, I have worked with senior citizens using EMDR to work through longstanding trauma.  So, contrary to what many people think, many seniors can, indeed, make big changes in their lives.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Therapy Can Help in the Golden Years - by Abby Ellin - New York Times

Movies: Discovering a Father's Secret Life After His Death

I recently went to see "Before and After Dinner With Andre", a wonderful documentary about actor and director Andre Gregory, which was made by his wife Cindy Kleine.  Many people will remember Andre Gregory from the film, "My Dinner With Andre".  

One of the themes in Before and After Dinner is that Mr. Gregory discovers information in a book that implicates his late father, a Russian Jew, as a Nazi collaborator.  Mr. Gregory begins a search to discover if his father was leading a secret life.

Movies: Discovering a Father's Secret After His Death

Unraveling the Mystery of a Father's Secret Life
Most of us can only imagine how painful it could be to try to unravel and piece together such a mystery about one's own father, and how many questions this would raise, especially after a father's death when he's no longer around to answer questions.  The film, which will be released in other cities in the US soon, is worth seeing, so I don't want to give it away.

Although most of us will never have to deal with a mystery of this magnitude about our fathers, it's not unusual for questions to arise after a father's death about some aspect of his life, and for adult children to search for answers about his life.

There's also a book that was recently published, After Visiting Friends: A Son's Story, written by Michael Hainey.  I haven't read the book, but it sounds intriguing.  According to the reviews that  I've read, the author was told when he was a child that his father died "after visiting friends," which was a euphemism for a secret aspect of his father's life.  So, Mr. Hainey sets out to discover what really happened to his father.

The Adult Child Must Be Emotionally Prepared to Discover the Father's Secret
I've worked with clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC who had reason to believe, after their fathers died, that their fathers led secret lives that these clients felt compelled to discover.  

This type of search can become an all-consuming endeavor because of the amount of effort that's often required to find out "the truth."  And, at times, even with an exhaustive search, the results of the search might be ambiguous.  Also, the child, who is now an adult, must be emotionally prepared to learn whatever there might be to discover about his or her deceased father.

In many cases, just knowing that there were possible secrets can be jarring for the adult child, as described by Andre Gregory in the film, Before and After Dinner, to find out that the father you thought you knew while he was alive isn't who you thought he was--or you didn't have the whole story.

Often, this type of search about one's deceased father is not only about trying to discover information about who the father really was, but also an effort to try to understand what this means with regard to the father-child relationship.

This type of search can evoke many different kinds of emotions, including sadness, anger, and feelings of betrayal and abandonment, depending upon the father's secret and why a part of the father's life was kept secret from the child.

It can cause the adult child to wonder about the meaning of a father's secret life and how it might reflect on his or her relationship with the father when the father was alive.

Ultimately, whether an adult child decides to initiate such an investigation about a father is a very personal choice.  There are some people who would rather not know.

In any case, I highly recommend the documentary, "Before and After Dinner", which is both funny and poignant.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Fathers and Sons: Coming Out as a Gay Man to Your Father

Coming out to your father as a gay man can be emotionally challenging.  In many families, there's a real risk that you'll be rejected.  I've worked with many gay men of all ages in my psychotherapy practice in NYC who have struggled with this issue.

Fathers and Sons: Coming Out as a Gay Man to Your Father
 

Of course, I've also known both gay men with heterosexual parents who didn't have a problem when they came out to them.  But if you're on the fence about coming out to your father or you've already come out and it has placed a strain on your father-son relationship, you already know how emotionally challenging this can be for both you and your dad.

The following vignette is  a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Alan
Alan knew from the time that he was about 12 years old that he was gay.  Growing up in a traditional family in the Midwest, he didn't feel he could talk to his parents or brothers about it and he felt lonely and confused.

Alan felt especially worried about what his father would think if he knew Alan was gay.  His father was a kind man, but he was also conservative in his values.  Alan didn't want to be a disappointment to him.

When he was in his teens, Alan tried dating girls, but he knew he wasn't interested in girls.  He had crushes on boys, but he didn't dare tell his friends.  He didn't know anyone who was gay, so he continued to have a lot of questions about his sexual orientation until he moved to NYC to go to college, and he met other gay young men.

It was such a relief to meet other young men who felt the same way that he did.  He went out on dates, but he was too afraid to get sexually involved with any of the young men he dated.

He kept his gay social activities a secret from his family.  He thought his mother might understand because she tended to be more open minded than his father.  But it was all so new for him that he wasn't comfortable with his sexual orientation himself, so he decided to start therapy.

After we started working together for a few months, Alan began to feel more comfortable as a gay man.  He realized that before he felt more accepting of himself, it would have been hard to come out to his parents.

To make it easier for Alan, we developed a plan where he would start with the person he thought would be the most accepting and easiest to talk to.  Alan chose his younger brother, who tended to be more liberal than the rest of the family.  And his younger brother was encouraging, supportive and happy that Alan came out to him.

One by one, Alan called his brothers and, to his surprise, each one of them told him that, even though they might not understand it, they loved him and wanted him to be happy.

Feeling a little more confident, he spoke to his mother, who told Alan that she had sensed from the time he was a young boy that he might be gay.  She was tearful and told him that she worried about him getting HIV.  Alan told her that he had not been sexual with a man yet, but he assured her that he would be careful.

Then Alan asked his mother how she thought his father would react if he came out to him.  His mother was silent, and then she said she didn't know.  She thought that his father might need time to get used to the idea.  But she thought, ultimately, he would come around.

Until then, Alan's experience of coming out to his family had been mostly positive.  He knew that coming out to his father would be the most challenging part of coming out as a gay man.  Although  his mother never pressured him about it, Alan knew his father wanted him to get married to a woman, have children, and lead a traditional life.

Rather than coming out to his father over the phone, Alan decided to do it in person when he went home for a visit.   Before he went home, Alan had several sessions to talk about his fears about his father rejecting him.  This caused Alan a lot of emotional pain.

Before he went home, Alan purchased a copy of the book, Now That You Know: A Parent's Guide to Understand Your Gay and Lesbian Children, which is written for parents of gay children.  The original plan was for Alan to have the talk with his father on his third day at home. But the day came and went and Alan was too afraid to talk to his father.

So, that night, he wrote his father a letter telling his father how much he loved him and how much he valued their father-son relationship.  He also told him that he was happier than he had ever been now that he could be himself and he hoped his father would understand.

The next day, when they were alone sitting on the porch, Alan handed his father the letter and asked him to read it.  His father hesitated, at first, to open the letter.  Alan's heart was pounding in his chest and his hands were sweating, but he urged his father to read it.  Then, he watched a frown come over his father's face as he read the letter, folded it back up again, and walked away silently into the garden.

Alan continued to sit on the porch.  He felt numb and frozen in place.  He didn't know how to interpret his father's reaction.  He was afraid his worst fears had come true and that his father was upset.  He watched the sun go down, and continued to sit in the same spot until early evening.  When it was time for dinner, Alan's mother told Alan and his brothers that their father wasn't feeling well and he wouldn't be coming down to dinner.  Alan felt tears stinging in his eyes, and he decided he would pack his things after dinner and leave a few days early.

As he was packing that evening, he heard a knock on the door.  When he opened the door, he saw his father standing there, eyes averted, looking at the floor.  Alan didn't know what to expect, but he let his father in.  They sat together on Alan's bed, silently, for what seemed like a long time.  Then, his father spoke in a hoarse voice and said, "I don't understand it.  I'm going to need time, but you're my son and I'll always love you."  He reached over and gave Alan a big hug.  Then, he left before Alan could respond.

Alan left the book for his father to read.  He continued to work in therapy on his coming out process. He realized that it had taken him a while to feel comfortable with being gay, so he knew it would be a process for his father too.

Getting Help in Therapy
The coming out process is different for everyone.  If you're struggling with your own feelings as well as your fears about how your family will react, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.  It could make all the difference in your process.  I've included resources below for gay organizations.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples, and one of my specialties is working with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer clients.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist 

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources
LGBT Center - NYC
Gay and Lesbian National Help Center - Hotline
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Dad Now That You're a Father

How many times did you hear these words from your father, "You'll understand after you have children"? At the time when your father told you this, you probably felt annoyed and frustrated with him.  But now that you have your own children, you might have a different perspective.

Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Dad Now That You're a Father

Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Father
Although it may be hard to admit, looking back on things our parents said to us when we were growing up that was annoying to us back then often makes a lot of sense now.  This is often especially true after you have your own children.  Since I'm focusing on a series of blog articles about fathers, my focus will be on fathers and sons in this article but, of course, women can relate to this too.

When boys become teenagers it's common for them to have a contentious relationship with their fathers.  Being neither a young child nor an adult, being a teenager can be confusing and frustrating for the teenage boy as well as his father.  It can be a time when the father-son relationship becomes strained.

Often, after men get married and have their own children, they gain a new perspective about what it means to be a father.  And, the same men who rebelled against their fathers when they were teens often come to have a new appreciation for the complexities of fatherhood.  They usually develop more of a sense of compassion for their fathers than they had when they were younger.

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

John
When John was a young child, he and his father had a close relationship.  But when he became 15, his relationship with his father became strained.

John wanted to go stay out late with his friends, but his father gave him a curfew of 10 PM, which John resented.  He had other friends whose parents allowed him to stay out later than 11 PM, and John felt resentful towards his father.

From John's perspective, his father was treating him like a baby.  He couldn't wait to be old enough to leave home and go to college.  His father would usually tell him, "You'll understand after you have children of your own."   Whenever John heard this, he would roll his eyes.

When John Was 15, He Often Felt Annoyed With His Father

Years later, when John and his wife had their own teenage son, John realized why his father was so worried about him when he went out.  John's son, Joe, also wanted to stay out late with his friends when he was 15.

But, now that he was a parent, John was very aware of all of the dangers that were out there that his son brushed off.  He also knew what it was like to be 15 and to feel hemmed in by your father.  On the one hand, he wanted his son to have a good time and not resent him.  On the other hand, he knew that Joe lacked the maturity to make good decisions for himself and there was reason to be concerned about his safety.

John gave Joe a curfew knowing that Joe would resent it and that, possibly, Joe would rebel against it.  But John knew that, in the long run, he was doing what was best for his son, even though Joe couldn't appreciate it at the time.

Having to deal with these issues with his own teenage son, John now had a new perspective and appreciation for what it was like for his father back when John was a teen.  He felt a new sense of compassion and love for his father.  He realized now that his father was setting limits for him because he loved him and not because he wanted to be mean, which is what John thought when he was a teenager.

Looking back on his relationship with his father, John realized that many of the things he didn't understand with regard to his father's decisions were much clearer to him now that he had to face many of the same decisions.  So, the next time he called his father, John told him, "I hate to admit it, dad, but you were right.  Now that I have my own son, I understand what you went through as a father."

Being able to talk to his father as one father to another made John feel closer to his father than he had ever experienced before.  From then on, he sought advice from his father about raising children because he realized now that his father really was a loving dad.  And, he was glad his father didn't just allow him to do whatever he wanted to do like his friends' fathers.  He could look back now and appreciate that.

Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Father With a New Understanding
With maturity and life experience, sons often look back on their relationships with their fathers with a new sense of gratitude and compassion.  Going through this process can bring you and your father closer together.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To  set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see:  Fathers and Sons: Improving Your Relationship With Your Dad

Fathers and Sons: Improving Your Relationship with Your Dad

In an earlier blog article, I wrote about relationships between mothers and daughters.  In this blog article and in a series of upcoming articles, I'll be focusing on fathers, including many psychotherapy clients' desire to improve their relationship with their father. 

More Men Are Coming to Therapy Now Than in Years Past

There was a time when most clients in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC were women.  Things have changed, and men represent about half of the clients in my practice.  

Improving Your Relationship With Your Father

Of course, men come in for many different reasons, including problems in their relationship or career.  Many men come in because they want to improve their relationship with their dad.  For other men, this issue might not have started as the presenting problem, but it will emerge as an underlying problem, often with men who are having problems with self esteem.

Fathers and Sons: Improving Your Relationship With Your Dad

My experience has been that, generally, people tend to come to therapy after a problem has been brewing for a while and their attempts to try to deal with it themselves haven't worked.  This also applies to men who have problems in their relationship with their father under a variety of circumstances.

Wanting to Improve Your Relationship With Your Father, But Not Knowing How

Even in circumstances where the father-son relationship is strained, generally, clients usually say that they would like to improve the relationship, but they don't know how.  Often, their prior efforts to improve the relationship haven't worked out.

A Vignette About a Father-Son Relationship

It isn't possible to address every permutation of problems between fathers and sons, but I'll address one particular problem that I often encounter with psychotherapy clients in the following fictionalized vignette, which represents a composite of many different psychotherapy cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality.

Joe

Joe, who was in his mid-30s, came to therapy because he was having problems with self esteem.  He also had a history of having problems with male bosses, which created problems for him in his career.

When he began therapy, his problems with self esteem created problems for him in his two year relationship with his girlfriend, Alice.  Although he knew there was no objective reason for feeling the way he did, he still struggled with his feelings that Alice would eventually leave him for another man.  

Despite Alice's reassurance that she loved him and she didn't want to be with anyone else, Joe couldn't shake this feeling.  He knew his feelings of insecurity were creating tension in his relationship and that they might bring about what he most feared--the demise of his relationship.

With regard to his career as a sales representative, Joe was successful and he was well liked by his colleagues and his clients.  His boss often praised him for his work, but Joe had a particular problem with his boss:  He had problems accepting constructive criticism.  His initial reaction was to tense up and become defensive. 

Later on, Joe often realized that his boss had a point, and his comments were meant to help Joe, not to hurt him.  But, try as he might, Joe couldn't overcome his feelings  of insecurity and his initial reaction to become defensive.  He knew that, in the long run, this would be a problem if he wanted to move ahead in his career.

Joe's family history was that he was the older of two sons.  His mom stayed at home to raise Joe and his brother and, later on, when Joe was in his teens, she worked as a real estate agent.  Joe's father had his own construction business.

Joe's mother was the more nurturing parent.  Joe described his father as being a man of few words.  He wasn't outwardly demonstrative with his affection.  He was more likely to show his affection by spending time with his sons shooting hoops in the backyard or showing them how to fix things around the house.

Joe remembered that, as a child, even though he always wanted to please his father, he felt like he continually disappointed his father.  His father loved all kinds of sports, but Joe had little interest in sports.  He played hoops in the backyard with his father and brother and joined the Little League to please his father.  

Joe remembered many afternoons where the family drove home in stony silence after a Little League game where Joe missed every pitch in the game.  Joe could feel his father's disappointment, and he felt deeply ashamed.  

It was even more embarrassing for Joe because his younger brother was such a good athlete and loved playing all kinds of sports.  Joe's father and brother bonded over sports, and it was painful to Joe because he felt like such a disappointment to his father.  He wanted desperately to bond with his father the way his brother did, but he didn't know how.

The situation got worse when Joe was in his teens.  At the time, Joe and his brother would often help their father in his construction business.  Whereas his brother really enjoyed learning about the business, Joe wanted to be helpful, but he was bored.  His father assumed that both sons would join him in the business after they graduated college.   Joe didn't know how to tell his father that he had no desire to become part of the family business.

After Joe graduated college, he spoke to his mother about wanting to strike out on his own rather than  becoming part of his father's business.  His mother was understanding and she encouraged Joe to talk to his father about it.  But Joe couldn't face seeing his father's disappointment, so he asked his mother to talk to his father about it.  

After his mother talked to the father, Joe's relationship with his father became even more strained.  He could see that his father was deeply hurt.  The business was passed on from Joe's paternal grandfather and Joe's father was disappointed that Joe, as his older son, wouldn't be a part of it.  Joe and his father never talked about it directly.  

By the time Joe came to therapy, his relationship with his father was strained and awkward.  Joe dreaded going home to visit his parents.  He attended the obligatory family holidays, but he would leave soon after dinner. He and his father barely spoke or even made eye contact, which was painful for Joe and he was sure it was painful for his father too.  He wanted to be able to talk to his father, but  he just didn't know how.

It was clear to both Joe and I that his problems with his girlfriend and the problems he had at work accepting constructive criticism were linked to his history with his father.  Using a combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, Joe was able to remember a time in his life when he and his father had a better relationship when Joe was about four or five.  

Memories of that time were very poignant for Joe, and being able to access the positive feelings he felt for his father allowed him to write his father a heartfelt letter about how much he loved him and wanted them to have a better father-son relationship.  

To his Joe's amazement, his father was very moved by Joe's letter and told him so.  This began a long process of Joe and his father opening up to each and getting closer.  It wasn't easy to overcome years of tension.  And Joe's father was especially awkward talking about his feelings, but they began the process of repairing their relationship.

As Joe's relationship with his father improved and he began to realize how much his father loved him,  his self esteem improved.  He felt less insecure in his relationships with his girlfriend and his boss.  His only regret was that he wasn't able to improve his relationship with his father sooner.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with your relationship with your father, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with these issues.  Many people don't realize that problems they're struggling with now originate in their early relationships.  Rather than continuing to struggle with these feelings, your life could be so much more fulfilling if you got help.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Trying to Understand Your Father

Historically, psychological theories have placed a lot of emphasis on the relationship between the mother and the child.  This is understandable due to the important role that the mother has from the time the child is in utero, through the formative years of emotional development, and throughout the course of life.  But, in my opinion, until recently,  there has been relatively little attention paid to the role of the father.  

Trying to Understand Your Father

Despite the relative lack of attention to fathers in psychological theory, psychotherapy clients have been coming to therapy to try to understand their fathers for as long as people have been coming to therapy.  So, in my opinion, this is an important topic for many people, and I will be discussing this issue over the course of several blog articles.

Trying to Understand Your Father
Over the years, many clients that I've seen in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC come to therapy because they have unresolved emotional issues about their father.

In many cases, as adults, these clients are trying to develop a better understanding of their father.  In some cases, their father is still alive and they're trying to develop a better relationship with their father.  In other instances, their father is deceased and they're trying to understand who their father was to them and who he was out in the world with others.

Trying to Understand Your Father

In other cases, clients never knew their father at all because he wasn't around when they were growing up.  In some instances, the father was physically present but he was emotionally remote.

Other clients were raised by a single mother and the father was in and out of their lives.  Or, in some cases, the man they thought was their father was not their father, and these clients are shocked to discover this later in life.  Often, these clients don't find out about this family secret until their fathers are deceased and they regret that they have lost the opportunity to have a relationship with the father while he was alive.

As Men Become Fathers, They Often Face Unresolved Emotional Issues About Their Father
For many men, who are now fathers themselves or who are about to become fathers, emotional issues about their own fathers come up.   Some of these issues might not have seemed important before.  But now that they are at the stage of their lives when they are fathers, unresolved emotional issues about their own father are now important.

Unresolved Emotional Issues With a Father

For instance, if they grew up with a father, they might have feelings about who their father was to them and whether they want to be like their father with their own children.  Or, if they never grew up with a father, they might be particularly aware of wanting to spend time with their children because they know what it's like to miss having a father.

When we consider all the possibilities that are involved with father-child relationships, we begin to see the complexity of this topic.  There are so many different types of father-child relationships, including heterosexual and gay fathers and children.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people want to understand and improve their relationship with one or both parents, but they feel stuck and don't know how to overcome this problem.

If you need to help to work through your problems with one or both of your parents, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I've helped many men and women to work through emotional issues about their father.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see articles: 
Fathers and Sons: Improving Your Relationship With Your Dad
Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Dad Now That You're a Dad
Fathers and Daughters: Daddy's "Little Girl" Is All Grown Up Now

The Challenges Many Gay Men Face at Midlife

Steven Petrow wrote an article for the New York Times in which he gives advice to gay men in midlife who feel "invisible" in the gay male community (see link below).

As a psychotherapist in NYC, who specializes in working with the LGBT community, I've heard many older gay men talk about the social isolation they feel in the gay male community because they say there is such an emphasis on being young in that community and, as older men, they feel like outcasts.

Add to this that older gay men have often lost many friends and lovers to AIDS and you can begin to understand the challenges that they face.

The Challenges Many Gay Men Face in Midlife

Older Lesbians, in General, Tend to Have More of a Social Network
As compared to older gay men, older lesbians, in general, tend to have more of a social network because there isn't such an emphasis on being young, and lesbians aren't as affected by AIDS as gay men.

I would be interested to hear from older gay men, who have experienced this type of social isolation, especially with regard to any useful strategies you would recommend for your peers.

I've included resource links below.

A Gay Man at Midlife Ponders Being Lonely and "Invisible" - by Steven Petrow - New York Times

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Resources:
Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Center - NYC

National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Many people find that writing about their thoughts and emotions in a journal helps them relieve stress and anxiety.    Why is this?

Journal Writing Can Help You to Organize Your Thoughts and Balance Your Emotions
When you're under a lot of stress or experiencing anxiety, you can feel overwhelmed by the thoughts and emotions that you might be experiencing.

Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Journal writing can help you to organize your thoughts and balance your emotions.  Rather than feeling overwhelmed and, possibly, confused, you can capture these feelings in writing and, as you do, the act of writing them down can help you organize your experience.

Journal Writing Can Help You to See the Meaning in Your Experiences
Often, when you write about your experiences in a journal, you begin to recognize that these experiences have meaning for you.  Rather than seeing them as just random experiences, you can begin to understand what meaning they have for you in your life.

When you can see the meaning of a particular experience, even if it's a painful experience, you might begin to understand it's significance in the context of your life.

For instance, if you're recovering from an illness that was particularly challenging for you, by writing about it in your journal, you might recognize that going through this experience helped you to realize how precious life.  It can help you to reflect on how you've been living your life, what you want to do with the rest of your life, and who you want in your life.

Journal Writing Can Help You to Make Connections
When you organize your thoughts in writing and you begin to see the meaning of your experiences in the context of your life, it can help you to make connections to other current and past experiences.

The act of writing down your thoughts can help you to see patterns that you engage in that you might not have recognized before.

For instance, if you're writing down your feelings about an argument you had with your significant other, as you think about what happened and how you reacted, you might recognize that your tendency is to withdraw emotionally for days at a time after one of these arguments. This insight can help you to see how this reaction is affecting you and your relationship.  It can also help you to decide if you want to change your behavior.

Journal Writing Can Help You to Talk About Something That's Upsetting You
Organizing your thoughts in writing, giving meaning to your experience, and making important connections can help you to talk about what's bothering you.  It can give you the clarity you need to have an important talk with a loved one.

Journal Writing is Low Cost
All you need is a notebook and a pen or, if you choose to keep your journal online, a secure and private site.

The type of journal you use is a personal choice.   Sometimes, a regular notebook or loose leaf book that's not too fancy is best.  Sometimes, when people buy beautiful journals, the beauty of the journal can make it feel too "precious."  They feel that they can only write "important" thoughts rather than just letting themselves write freely.

Some people like to carry a small notebook around with them to jot down their feelings.  Other people prefer a larger book with unlined pages so they can include artwork like drawings or clippings.  The most important thing is that the journal is private so you feel free to write whatever you want.

Journal Writing Between Therapy Sessions
I often recommend journal writing to therapy clients as a way to capture their feelings between therapy sessions.  A lot can come up between sessions and it's easy to forget if you don't write it down.  Writing in a journal between sessions can also help you to reflect on whatever came up in the therapy session as well as how your thoughts and feelings evolve over time.

A Word About Timing
When considering whether to write about a traumatic event, some people find that it's best for them to wait until a little time has passed before they capture their thoughts in writing because they're not ready to face their emotions about the trauma.

Other people find it helps them to write about the traumatic event soon after it happens.  There's no right or wrong about when you write.  You'll discover what's best for you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or send me an email.

Also see my article: Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life

The Benefits of Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life

Often, when people feel stuck with where they are in their lives, their disappointment has a way of coloring their perspective about all of their life--not just their current state.  Usually, this is a distorted view based on how they're feeling about themselves now.  

The Benefits of Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life

When I'm working with a psychotherapy client whose self perception is distorted in this way, I often recommend that she write down the milestones of her life to help her gain a better perspective.

What Are Milestones in Your Life?
Milestones are memorable markers in a lifetime.  Milestones can be memorable events or accomplishments.  Whether they're happy or sad occasions, they represent important events in your life.

Why Write Down the Milestones in Your Life?
Milestones usually serve to give you a perspective on how your life has changed over time.  So, if you're struggling at the moment because you're feeling stuck and you feel that nothing ever changes in your life, writing down and reviewing the milestones in your life, can give you a different perspective.

Whether you view the important milestones in your life as being positive or negative or some combination of the two, you can see how your life has changed over time.

You can also gain a perspective that your life will continue to change over time.  This can be a useful perspective if you're currently feeling stuck.

Usually, I recommend that clients write down the milestones on a timeline starting with the earliest memories on the left and moving forward to the right on the timeline.

Which Events Should You Choose to Write About?
It's completely up to you which events you choose.  There's no wrong way to do this exercise.  Even two people who seem to have similar lives, at least from an external perspective, will usually have very different feelings about what's important to each of them, so they'll focus on different milestones.

One of them might include milestones about memorable birthdays, anniversaries, and the first time she fell in love. And the other might include certain accomplishments, like graduating college, getting an article published in a magazine and the death of a parent.

The Milestones That Seem Important to You Often Change Over Time
What's interesting to see, if you do this exercise at various times in your life, is that some of the milestones that you choose will be different at various stages of your life.

For one thing, there are new milestones as time goes on.

But, even more interesting is that, often, when you look at the same events at different points in your life, different events will seem more important at any given time.

Time as a Factor in Choosing Milestones
This makes sense when we realize that what's important to us changes over time, so what stands out at any given time as a milestone is likely to change with the passage of time.

Time as a Factor in Choosing Milestones 

That's why writing down milestones at various points in your life can be such an eye opener in terms of how you see yourself and your life.

Milestones to Accomplish Your Long-Term Goals
Writing down milestones can be done retrospectively or as a way to set long-term goals for the future.  So, if you have a particular long-term goal that you would like to accomplish, you can write down the milestones that you would need to accomplish in order to achieve your goal.

Feeling More Empowered in Your Life

Whether you use milestones retrospectively or to set goals for the future, writing them down and looking at them over time can help you, especially when you feel stuck in your life, to realize that life is always changing over time.

And when you recognize that life changes over time, you can also feel empowered to take steps to make the changes you would like to see in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems

Many psychotherapy clients feel uncomfortable talking about sexual problems in their therapy, whether they're in individual therapy or they're participating in couples counseling.  Even though their problems might be having a significant impact in their lives, clients often avoid talking about sexual problems with their therapist.  To make matters worse, therapists often avoid asking about it.

The Importance of Talking to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems

Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sexual Problems With Your Therapist?
There can be many reasons why you might feel uncomfortable talking to your therapist about sex, including:

• You don't know how to bring up the topic of sex in your therapy session.
• You don't know how to describe the sexual problem that you're having.
• You fear being judged by your therapist.
• You feel ashamed of your sexual problem.
• You feel guilty about your sexual problem.
• You feel uncomfortable talking to your therapist about sexual problems because of your therapist's age or gender.
• You're afraid to talk about your sexual problem because it would be violating a family secret to talk about it.
• You feel you'll be defying cultural or religious conventions by bringing up problems about sex in your therapy.
• You think you'll make your therapist feel uncomfortable if you talk about your sexual problem.
• You're in denial about how significant the sexual problem is in your life.
• You've resigned yourself to living with the sexual problem because you don't think there's anything that can be done about it.
• You tried discussing the problem before, either with family members or in a prior therapy, and you had a bad experience.

There can be many other reasons why you, as an individual client in therapy or as part of a couple in couples counseling, might feel uncomfortable talking to your therapist about sexual issues.

It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems

Why Is It Important to Address Sexual Problems in Your Therapy Sessions?
Sex is a natural part of life, and yet most people feel uncomfortable talking to their therapist about sex.  The degree of discomfort is different for everyone.

Just like any other problem, unless you address it in therapy, you're not giving yourself an opportunity to overcome this problem with your therapist's help.

It might be hard to imagine at this point in your life, but working through a sexual problem in therapy can help you feel so much better about yourself.

Often, once you begin talking to your therapist about a problem, whether it's about sex or anything else, what might have seemed impossible for you to talk about suddenly seems not as bad as you expected.

Over the years, I've had many clients, who, once they began to address an uncomfortable issue, came away feeling, "That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  In fact, I feel relieved that I'm starting to talk about it."  They feel less burdened by the problem now that it's not a secret in therapy any more.

Some Helpful Tips to Help You Talk to Your Therapist About a Sexual Problem

• Recognize that, if you're seeing an experienced therapist, she has probably heard just about anything that you can imagine.  
• Take comfort in knowing that sexual problems aren't unusual among individuals and couples, so you're not alone.
• Be aware that you can take your time and you don't have to reveal every aspect of the sexual problem all at once.  You might start out by just telling your therapist that you have a sexual problem that you're not feeling comfortable talking about.  You and your therapist can begin by addressing what might help you to feel more comfortable so that you can open up about this issue.
• Recognize that if you start to feel overwhelmed with anxiety as you begin discussing the sexual problem, you can pause so your therapist can help you to calm yourself.  After you've calmed down and you feel emotionally safe again, you can resume talking about it.

Sexual Problems and Trauma
When sexual problems involve trauma, it's important to work with a therapist who has expertise with both problems.

A skilled therapist will know how to work with the sexual trauma in a way that feels safe and comfortable for the client.  This doesn't mean that the work won't be uncomfortable at times, but a trauma therapist, who is a licensed mental health  clinician, usually has the skills and experience to work in a way where the therapy is not retraumatizing for the client.

How I Work With Emotional Trauma
Whether the client's trauma involves sexual abuse or it's some other form of trauma, I often like to use Somatic Experiencing (also known as SE) because it's a gentle and effective form of therapy that was developed specifically for trauma.

By using Somatic Experiencing, the client and I can work on the problems in manageable segments rather than trying to do too much too quickly where client is likely to feel overwhelmed.

When I'm working with a client who has emotional trauma, whether it's sexual trauma or any other form of emotional trauma, I like to provide clients with psychoeducation first so they understand how I work.

Then, the client and I collaborate on how we will work together.  I have many different ways that I work with trauma.  Aside from Somatic Experiencing, I also use EMDR and clinical hypnosis, which are also effective treatment modalities for trauma.

Every psychotherapy client is unique, so it's important that each treatment is tailored to the needs of each client.  This is why the first session is a consultation where I meet with the client so that the client sees if he or she is comfortable with me, and I can determine if what the client is looking for is within the scope of my expertise.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you're an individual or a couple, if you're having sexual problems, you're not alone.  

Taking the first step to get help is often the hardest.  But once you've taken that first step, it can be such a relief.  

Sexual Problems in Your Relationship Can Get Worked Out With Help in Therapy

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about it, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

Falling in love with your best friend is a common theme in many books, movies, TV programs, and newspaper articles because it happens all the time, no matter how old you are.  The phenomenon of falling in love with your best friend is often portrayed in stories about young people, but I've also seen it happen with people who are older.  It happens among heterosexual as well as gay people.  It makes sense that two people who have a lot in common and who have developed a bond based on trust and affection would fall in love with each other.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

What Are the Potential Positive Aspects of Falling In Love With Your Best Friend?

Developing a Romantic Relationship on a Solid Foundation
When the feelings have developed over time and they're mutual, it has the potential to be a wonderful experience.  Since you already know each other so well, your romantic relationship can build on a solid foundation.  If you're best friends, you already know each other's likes, dislikes, interests and opinions about important issues, like views on families, spirituality, finances, and so on.

If it's a long term friendship, you've probably been there for each other during hard times, which is an important element in a romantic relationship.  You probably also have other friends in common.

Developing a Romantic Relationship as an Extension of Your Friendship
Your relationship started as a friendship, and then a romantic spark might have developed between the two of you over time as you got to know each other better.

This tends to be a more stable way of developing a relationship than "love at first sight," although "love at first sight" works for many couples too.  It's just that when the experience is "love at first sight," the romantic chemistry isn't always enough to build a relationship on.  "Love at first sight" is often an unconscious process and, although it can be exhilarating, it's only a first step whereas a romantic relationship that started as a friendship usually has more substance.

What Are the Potential Negative Aspects of Falling In Love With Your Best Friend?

The potential positive aspects that I mentioned above are all based on there being mutual feelings between the two friends.  But romantic feelings between two friends aren't always mutual.

Getting a Sense of Whether Your Best Friend Has Romantic Feelings For You
This can be awkward and tricky.  If your best friend hasn't given you any indication that s/he also has romantic feelings for you, this doesn't mean that s/he doesn't.  It can just mean that you're both too afraid to reveal romantic feelings because you both fear losing the friendship, which is a real possibility.

Getting a Sense of Whether Your Best Friend Has Romantic Feelings For You

Sometimes, you can sense when your friend has a romantic interest in you, and you can broach the topic with some, but not a lot, of risk.  But if you can't tell, in my opinion, you'll need to use tact and be subtle in your approach.

Holding Back If Your Best Friend is Already in a Relationship
If your best friend is already in a relationship, there isn't much you can do.  You need to accept that your friend isn't available and learn to deal with your feelings.  Trying to do anything that would break up that relationship will back fire and, especially if your friend is married, you'll be perceived as "a home wrecker" or worse.  Even if your friend left the other person for you, trust issues could develop about your relationship together later on.

Deciding What to Do If There is No Possibility of Your Best Friend Developing Romantic Feelings For You
It's possible that the timing might be wrong.  But whatever the reason, this is often an emotionally painful and awkward role to be in, whatever role you're in in this situation.

If you've fallen in love with your best friend and you know there's no possibility of your friend feeling the same way, you and your friend have some decisions to make.

There are plenty of friendships that go on to survive and thrive under these circumstances...if you can work out how to handle it.  It might require that the two of you take some time apart for a while so that the romantic feelings subside.  After a while, you might be able to reconnect without damage to the friendship.  You might want to consider if you've been avoiding meeting and dating other people, and if you want to open up to new potential romantic relationships.

Whether you continue the friendship or you take a break, be aware that you'll need to be able to deal with your friend meeting, dating and, possibly, falling in love with someone else.  This isn't easy when you're still in love with your friend.

Be honest with yourself:  Will you be able to handle this or will it be too hurtful for you, even if you take a break?  Will you feel too resentful or jealous?  Only you can decide this.

Falling In Love With a Best Friend Happens in "Real Life," Not Just in the Movies
Falling in love with your best friend doesn't just happen on TV or in the movies.  Movies like "When Harry Met Sally" are popular because they resonate with many people who have had this experience. Knowing that this is a common experience, hopefully, helps you to realize what you're experiencing isn't unusual or strange.

Knowing the potential risks and rewards can help you decide what to do about your feelings.  There are many people who try to avoid dealing with this situation because they're too afraid of risking the friendship.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend Happens in "Real Life"

While, as I've mentioned, there are potential risks, in my opinion, it would be even sadder to find out years later that  a relationship was possible at an earlier time but that, unacknowledged, these feelings fizzled out for your friend and, although you might still be interested, your friend's feelings changed over time because you were both too afraid to talk about it.  But only you can decide what's best for you.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Examples of Falling In Love with Your Best Friend:

"When Harry Met Sally"

"My Best Friend's Wedding"

New York Times - Modern Love: A Life Plan for Two, Followed by One

Humor Can Be Effective in Psychotherapy

Humor can be effective in psychotherapy when the timing is right and when it's used in a tactful way. The therapist needs to know the client well enough to know how the client will respond to humor.  Sometimes, humor helps clients to develop a different perspective about their problem.

Humor as a Sign of Resilience
Over the years, many of my clients, as they have started to feel better, have come in with humorous stories about themselves.  Whereas in the past, the same event might have been overwhelming for them,  at that point in the therapy, they can poke fun at themselves and gain a different perspective on their situation.  It's often a sign of emotional resilience when clients can laugh at themselves in a good natured way.

Humor Can Be Effective  in Psychotherapy

Seeing a Funny Movie or Reading a Funny Book Can Be an Emotional Uplift

Clients who are anxious and depressed will often report that they feel uplifted by going to see a funny movie or reading a comical passage in a book.  Sometimes, that emotional uplift that they feel is enough to open them up to the possibility of overcoming certain obstacles that seemed too daunting before.

Sometimes, people are able to see the humorous side of an otherwise difficult situation.  Good examples of this can be found in books by David Sedaris, who is a master at poking fun at himself and finding humor in even the most dismal circumstances.

Charlie Chaplin's movies often combine pathos and humor.  An example of this would be his movie,  "Modern Times."

Humor Can Be a Bonding Experience Between a Client and a Therapist
Humor can be a bonding experience between a client and a therapist.  When used appropriately, it can open up a dialog between the client and therapist that might not have been possible before.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

photo credit: gwilmore via photopin cc

Learning to Feel Comfortable With Being Yourself

There's a lot of pressure these days for people to look and behave a certain way--so much so that people often don't feel comfortable being themselves.  Many people get caught up in the belief that there's a certain way they're supposed to be and if they're not that way, there's something wrong with them.

Learning to Feel Comfortable With Being Yourself

What a dull world it would be if we all looked and acted the same.  One of the things that makes life interesting is that each of us is unique.

Here are some tips for feeling comfortable with being yourself:

• Stop Criticizing Yourself: It's bad enough when other people are criticizing you or pressuring you to be different from who you really are.  But when you're doing it to yourself with constant self criticism, that's even worse.  But you can learn to stop these automatic negative thoughts by, first, becoming aware of them and then making a determined effort to shift your attention away from your own self criticism.  You might become aware that you have "old tapes" playing in your mind from critical parents or other early experiences.  Try to develop an awareness that these "old tapes" are from then and not now.  

• Stop People Pleasing: Become aware if you have a pattern of constantly seeking other people's approval.  And, if you do, ask yourself why. Being considerate and caring towards others is different from constantly needing their approval.  When you tend to need other people's approval, you're placing other people first and placing yourself second. You're also giving them a lot of power over you.  Also, when you engage people pleasing, you're not being your authentic self.  You're accommodating others by shifting how you behave, which makes you come across as inauthentic.  There will always be someone that you're not going to be able to please, no matter what you do.  So, it's better to know what you want and need for yourself and learn to feel comfortable with that.

• Trust Your Judgment and Intuition: Unless you know that you have a history of using poor judgment in your life, trust your own judgment and intuition for yourself.  Most people have a "gut" feeling of what's right for them, but when they're not comfortable with themselves, they rely too much on others to tell them how they should be and what they should do. This doesn't mean that you can't seek advice from loved ones or from a mentor.  But you need to make your own decisions after you get their input.  

• Learn That It's Okay to Make Mistakes: It's inevitable--we all make mistakes.  But if you're so fearful of making mistakes that you allow yourself to stagnate, you're not going to learn from your  mistakes.  

• Develop Your Own Way of Being in the World: Part of getting comfortable with being yourself is getting to know yourself and developing your own way of being in the world.  Change is inevitable.  Who you are today is probably somewhat different from who you were 10 or 15 years ago.  And who you'll be in the future will probably change in some ways. You might experience yourself as being in a state of transition, which can be confusing or it can be exhilarating or both, depending upon how you deal with change.

• Remain Open and Curious: Remaining open and curious to others and the world around you will give you an opportunity to have new experiences and to "sample" new ideas and feelings.  You can take what you like and leave the rest, as the saying goes.

• Keep a Journal: Journaling about what comes up for you can be very useful.  By journaling, you capture your feelings and concretize them by writing them down.  This applies to intense feelings as well as feelings that might be fleeting. Journaling can be a way of dialoging with yourself.  Often, when you write down what you're feeling, you gain insight into a part of yourself that you might not have experienced before.  If nothing else, journaling can provide you with a release for your emotions, rather than keeping them bottled up inside.

• Take Action: As you develop an increased awareness about the tips that I've listed above, you can begin to take steps that will help you to feel more comfortable with being yourself.  So, for instance, if you recognize that you have a tendency to constantly seek others' approval, notice when you feel the impulse to do this and see what it's like to make an effort not to do it.  Notice what feelings might come up:  Do you feel good about resisting the urge to seek approval or does it make you feel insecure?  What other feelings come up?  Write it down in your journal.

Getting Help in Therapy 

There's a lot that you can do on your own when you're developing the ability to feel comfortable with yourself.  But if you find that you're struggling with low self confidence or shame, or it has become too difficult to develop a sense of comfort with yourself on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional, who can help guide you through the process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my other articles:

Developing Self Esteem and a Sense of Self Mastery

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

Overcoming Codependence