Communication: Are You Uncomfortable Talking to Your Partner About Certain Topics?

As a couples therapist and certified sex therapist in New York City, I meet with many individuals and couples where one partner feels threatened by the other partner's thoughts and fantasies about other people.

Talking About Fantasies

Usually the partner who feels uncomfortable believes their partner shouldn't need to think about someone else.  This often results in arguments and power struggles with the first partner feeling threatened and the other partner feeling intruded upon.

Psychoeducation About Sexual Thoughts and Fantasies

When I work with clients who are struggling with this problem, after I assess that there is no active infidelity, I provide psychoeducation about thoughts and fantasies:

• Thoughts and fantasies aren't reality.

• Thoughts and fantasies don't necessarily indicate intentions and real life experiences.  Thoughts are just thoughts--they're not facts.

• Thoughts and fantasies about other people have nothing to do with you. These thoughts don't mean your partner doesn't care about you or they aren't turned on by you.

Talking About Fantasies

• Romantic and sexual thoughts and fantasies often come unbidden and they usually have little or nothing to do with the actual person your partner is fantasizing about.

• Respect each other's personal boundaries and privacy: If hearing about your partner's fantasies about other people makes you feel uncomfortable, let your partner know. And if you're the one who wants to share fantasies about someone else and you know your partner is uncomfortable with it, don't talk about it (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships).

• If your insecurity about your partner's fantasies are rooted in earlier problems (e.g., unresolved childhood trauma or prior infidelity), get help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a couple can work through this issue in couples/sex therapy. (Note: Even though the vignette below discusses a heterosexual couple with heteronormative dynamics, this is also a common problem in LGBTQ+ relationships too).

Nan and Bill

Nan and Bill were married and in a monogamous relationship for 10 years. They were both happy with their sex life, but Nan didn't like when Bill shared his sexual fantasies about other women.  

Whenever Nan heard Bill talk about random women he fantasized about, she felt insecure and wondered if he felt she wasn't enough for him.

Her insecurity was exacerbated by her family history where her father often compared her  unfavorably to her older sister (see my article: Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Her father would praise her older sister's grades, her athletic ability and her ease with making friends. He would often say, "Why can't you be more like your sister?"

When she was a child, Nan struggled to get good grades, so every time her father criticized her and praised her sister, Nan felt diminished and insecure.

Bill thought sharing his sexual fantasies with Nan would spice up their sex life. He said he had no intention of actually having sex with any of the women he fantasized about and he had never cheated before.

After Bill realized that Nan was uncomfortable with his fantasies, he stopped sharing them.  But, by that time, Nan couldn't stop wondering about his fantasies about other women. 

Even though she knew she would feel uncomfortable, she would frequently ask him if he was still fantasizing about others. It was as if she couldn't stop herself from asking.

Bill didn't want to hurt Nan, so he would reassure her that he loved her very much and, whatever thoughts he might have about other women, had nothing to do with her or their relationship.  

But no amount of reassurance from Bill helped Nan to feel secure.  She trusted Bill and she knew he wouldn't cheat on her, but she couldn't stop asking him about his thoughts.

After a few months of arguing, Bill and Nan sought help from a couples therapist who was also a sex therapist. 

After getting a thorough family and relationship history for Bill and Nan, the therapist realized that Nan's problem with Bill's fantasies were rooted in her history.

The therapist helped Nan to become aware of her insecurity and separate her unresolved childhood trauma from her relationship with Bill. Nan also sought help in trauma therapy to work through the unresolved childhood trauma.

Nan and Bill Talking About Fantasies

After a while, Nan realized she also had fantasies about other men and some women.  Before attending sex therapy, she never allowed these fantasies to go far in her mind because she felt guilty about them. 

But, once Nan realized that Bill got sexually aroused by her fantasies, she shared them with him. At that point, she wanted to hear Bill's fantasies because, after she got over her insecurities, she also got turned on by them and these fantasies enlivened their sex life.

Conclusion

Everyone is different when it comes to sharing and hearing about fantasies.  

For a variety of reasons, some people feel uncomfortable and other people get turned on. 

Talking to Your Partner About Fantasies

Both reactions are equally valid. So, it's important to know yourself and your partner enough to know what works for you as a couple.

If knowing that your partner's fantasizes about other people makes you feel insecure, you would  benefit from knowing whether this insecurity is rooted in earlier experiences--like Nan in the composite vignette above.  If so, seeking help in therapy for the issues that are getting triggered will help you.  

Similarly, if you feel guilty about having sexual thoughts and fantasies about someone--even though you know you would never act on these thoughts--you could be feeling guilty because you mistakenly believe these thoughts mean you're cheating.  This kind of guilt is often rooted in earlier issues.

Above all, know yourself, know your partner and respect each other's boundaries. If you don't feel comfortable sharing sexual fantasies about others, you have a right to keep your private thoughts private. And if you're okay with your partner having sexual fantasies but you don't want to hear about them, you have a right to set a limit with your partner.

Also see my prior articles: 

• It's Common and Normal to Have Sexual Fantasies

• Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame

• Sexual Explorations: Substituting the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" with "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

• Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs. This is Normal.

• Privacy vs Secrecy in Relationships

• Do's and Don'ts About How to Start a Conversation About Fantasies

• How to Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Your Partner's Porn Viewing

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

Power struggles about sexual thoughts and fantasies are common in many relationships, but if this issue is creating a problem in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has training and expertise in this area.

Rather than struggling with a problem that could erode your relationship over time, seek help sooner rather than later.

Once you and your partner have worked through these problems, you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and certified Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work  through their problems, including unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion?:

For many people showing compassion towards others is a lot easier than feeling self  compassion (see my article: Developing Self Compassion as an Essential Part of Trauma Recovery).

The Impact of Trauma on Self Compassion

If self compassion is a problem for you, you might wonder what makes it so difficult for you.

This is the topic of the current article.

Why is Self Compassion Difficult For So Many People?

There's no one answer, but after more than 20 years of experience working with clients who have difficulty with self compassion, I have seen certain common themes that come up over and over again:

• Past Unresolved Traumatic Experiences: People who struggle with self compassion often didn't get much needed compassion when they were growing up. Many of them were emotionally neglected and abused and these children were powerless over their circumstances. As children, they learned to see themselves through eyes of abusive and neglectful family members so, over time, they came to believe they were unworthy. And  these feelings carried over into adulthood. Although, intellectually, they might understand they deserve self compassion, they don't feel it emotionally.

• A Tough Inner Critic: The aftermath of traumatic experiences often brings a tough inner critic who tells traumatized individuals that they're not worthy of love, self compassion or much of anything that is positive. This inner critic, which is often a part that gets internalized from abusive parents, gives a constant stream of negative messages to them  (see my article: Overcoming Your Inner Critic).

• An Inability to Identify and Feel Their Own Suffering: Many people who were abused or neglected as children aren't able to identify their own suffering. Many of those same people have difficulty even identifying their emotions--positive or negative. When they were growing up, their coping strategy was to use emotional numbing to blunt the pain that would have been too overwhelming. Although emotional numbing was probably an adaptive strategy at the time, it doesn't disappear when these people become adults. Many of these individuals continue to be cut off from their feelings, including feelings of self compassion (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

• Societal Expectations: In many cultures, including the U.S., which was founded on the idea of rugged individualism, individuals are expected to be "strong" and any emotional vulnerability is considered a "weakness" (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

How to Overcome Problems With Self Compassion

Unfortunately, traumatized individuals aren't able to overcome problems with self compassion on their own.  Their inner critic is often too strong for them to overcome it on their own.

Overcoming Problems With Self Compassion

They need help from licensed mental health professionals who have the training and experience to help them. But not all therapists are trained to help clients to overcome trauma, so it's important to ask any therapist you're considering about their training and experience with regard to trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

There are specific therapy modalities that have been developed to help clients to overcome trauma. 

These modalities include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS which is Internal Family Systems and Ego States Therapy)

These trauma therapy modalities, which all come under the broad term of Experiential Therapy, are among the most effective types of therapy to overcome trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can free yourself from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

Often, along with the joy of the holiday season also comes stress.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

It's not surprising, given all the demands of holiday time, that people often feel emotionally overwhelmed at this time of year.

Shopping, entertaining, and attending holiday parties can take an emotional toll. But with some foresight and planning, you can learn to manage the stress of the holidays and actually enjoy this time of year.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Holidays

Knowing that the holiday season can be a stressful and emotional time and taking some preventive steps can help you from getting overwhelmed.

If you've had losses, like a death of a loved one, a breakup or loved ones are far away, it's normal to feel sad. Throughout the holiday season we're given explicit and implicit messages that we "should" be happy.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

So, if we're having a difficult time, we can feel out of step with the rest of the world at this time. It might seem that everyone else is enjoying the holidays and we're stuck in a funk. But it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are, whether this means crying or expressing your feelings to a friend or loved one.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays: Taking Care of Yourself 

A Time for Gratitude

If you're alone during the holiday season, you can have a sense of community at a religious or community gathering.

If you're not religious or spiritual, you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, hospital or nursing home. Often, when we volunteer to help those less fortunate than ourselves, we not only help others--we also feel a sense of gratitude for what we do have in our lives, even if we're having a difficult time.

If you're fortunate enough to have good friends and family around, remember that the holidays don't have to be perfect.

When we have good memories of the holidays from childhood, sometimes our current experiences can feel flat as compared to those earlier times.

But we must acknowledge that things change. Rather than holding onto unrealistic expectations for the holidays, appreciate the people who are in your life now. Let go of unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. This will go a long way to helping prevent disappointments or misunderstandings.

When it comes to spending for the holidays, many people are scaling back what they would normally spend. If you budget ahead of time and stick to your budget, you'll avoid the stress of big credit card bills after the holidays.

Time well spent with loved ones or a homemade gift is so much more meaningful than exceeding your budget with an expensive gift.

Planning your time well can also help alleviate stress during the holidays. Once again, be realistic about what you can do. It's okay to tactfully say "no" to others when you know you'll be overextending yourself beyond what you can do.

Know Your Limits

It's also important to take breathers during the holiday season. Rather than pushing yourself beyond your physical or emotional limits, take breaks during the day.

A few minutes of mindfulness meditation or just closing your eyes and breathing can make the difference between your getting through the holidays feeling emotionally and physically in tact and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing therapy services in my private practice in Manhattan. I work with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Do You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Needs?

Whether you and your partner have been together for many years or you're early in your dating relationship, you both might have different needs, so being able to communicate is important (see my article: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?).

What is Your Definition of Intimacy?

It's a common mistake for individuals in relationships to assume that they and their partner have the same understanding of intimacy, but this often isn't true.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

How you and your partner define intimacy and each of your needs might be different, which can lead to misunderstandings if you don't know this.

When one partner makes a gesture for emotional connection, but in that moment the other partner needs personal time apart, this difference can lead to feelings of rejection for the person who wants connection and feelings of being pressured for the one who needs personal time apart.

If these differences aren't discussed, both people can feel too vulnerable to approach their partner. The one who wants more closeness can fear being judged as "needy" and the one who needs their own personal time can fear being labeled as "emotionally cold" or avoidant.

How to Develop Effective Communication to Understand Each Other's Needs

Unfortunately, when couples experience differences in terms of what they each need, they often avoid the topic or, if they want to talk about it, they don't know how to do it.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

Admittedly, it can be difficult to initiate a conversation about individual differences with regard to intimacy, but not talking about it often increases emotional distance between each partner.

To reconnect with each other, a couple needs to be able to express their needs and be open to what their partner needs.

What Are the Different Types of Intimacy?

Intimacy includes:

• Emotional Intimacy

• Physical Intimacy

• Mental Intimacy

• Emotional Intimacy: Creating a safe haven for each person to express their emotional needs is essential. If one or both people think they will be criticized about their needs, they won't be able to communicate openly. So, even though you and your partner might be different with regard to the type and amount of emotional intimacy you each need, it's important to start with the mindset that you're both going to listen to each other with openness and respect.

Understanding Each Other's Needs in a Relationship

• Physical Intimacy: Some people need to feel emotionally intimate first before they can become sexually intimate. Others need to feel connected sexually before they can feel emotionally intimate. Neither way is right or wrong, it's just different. It's also common for individuals in a relationship to experience sexual desire differently, so it's important to understand yourself and your partner, especially if you have differences.

• See my articles: 

• Whereas Many Women Need Emotional Connection to Feel Sexual Desire, Many Men Need a Sexual Connection to Connect Emotionally
  

• Spontaneous and Responsive Desire Are Both Normal

• Mental Intimacy: Feeling mentally stimulated by your partner is just as important as feeling emotionally and physically stimulated. If you and your partner find that you have little to talk about beyond your children and your jobs, you could benefit from talking about your hobbies or interests. You each might be different when it comes to talking about what is most interesting and fulfilling to you. It's not unusual for two people to have different interests and it's also possible to get curious about your partner's interests and for your partner to get curious about yours. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to maintain confidentiality, illustrates how a cisgender heterosexual couple can become closer by working on these issues in therapy:

Jean and Bill

When Jean and Bill were dating, they both felt emotionally, physically and mentally drawn to each other.

Ten years into their marriage, Jean suggested they seek help in couples therapy due to an increasing sense of estrangement and boredom between them.  

Bill was somewhat reluctant because he wasn't accustomed to talking about his feelings to a mental health professional, but he agreed to attend couples therapy because he realized they were drifting apart.

After meeting with each of them individually to get their individual histories with regard to their family, prior relationships and sexual history, they had their first couples session together. 

The couples therapist, who was also a sex therapist, asked them what each of them wanted to get out of couples therapy.

After a moment of awkwardness and silence, they turned to each other and Jean was the first to speak, "We've been drifting apart for the last several years and I'm afraid that if we don't do something to change this, we're going to live together as roommates or our relationship might not last."

Bill responded, "I feel like Jean doesn't understand that I need my alone time, especially after I come home from work. It's like she can't wait to tell me about her day and, don't get me wrong, I want to hear about it, but I feel bombarded when I first walk through the door. I don't want us to continue to drift apart, but we need to work out our differences when it comes to time together and time apart (see my article: Time Together Vs. Time Apart).

Over time, Bill and Jean spoke about this issue as well as other obstacles to emotional, physical and mental intimacy. This was their first experience with talking about these topics and, although they were each hesitant to talk about their needs at first, they learned to approach these talks with openness and curiosity.

They both expressed feeling more genuinely connected to each other--even when they were talking about their differences. 

Since they had become increasingly estranged over the last several years, their work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy. But they both felt they were being more authentic with each other which brought them closer together.

They each learned to be open and curious about their individual interests. They also learned they were different in terms of their emotional needs. 

Bill felt most connected to Jean when they were sexual and Jean felt more sexually turned on when they were emotionally connected. So they learned to talk about this and make adjustments in how they interacted. 

Jean realized she wasn't usually spontaneously interested in sex, but once she and Bill began kissing, she got turned on. 

She learned that if she was willing to start being sexually intimate, she usually got turned on (see my article: For People With Responsive Desire, a Willingness to Get Started is Often Enough to Get Aroused).

Bill experienced sexual desire spontaneously. All he had to do was think about sex and he was turned on, but he learned to appreciate Jean's responsive desire, so he slowed down to align with her experience, which made their sex life more pleasurable for both of them.

As obstacles came up in their couples therapy work, their couples therapist helped them to work through them so that, over time, they had a more fulfilling relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Many Layers of Grief

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time (see my article:  Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One).

The Many Layers of Grief

The 5 Stages of Grief

The idea that there are stages of grief was developed by Swiss-American psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the late 1960s. 

According to Kubler-Ross, these stages are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

Although these stages are usually thought to be linear, they often occur in no particular order and they're often reoccurring. 

For instance, if someone experiences anger first, they might experience denial, depression and bargaining and a certain level of acceptance. 

But over time this same person will probably re-experience these stages in no particular order on certain anniversaries (e.g, birthdays, anniversaries of their loved one's death and holidays).

In addition, acceptance has many layers to it. There is the initial acceptance that the death has occurred, but over time acceptance can deepen as the meaning of this loss also deepens.

The Many Layers of Grief

In addition to the 5 Stages of Grief, people often experience grief in waves and in layers.

Anyone who has ever grieved for the loss of a loved one is aware that grief comes in waves. Weeks, months and years after the loss you might experience a wave of grief come over you for no apparent reason that you're aware of at the time.

The Many Layers of Grief

The concept that there can be layers of grief over time isn't commonly recognized.  The layers, which often go with the stages, are usually experienced from surface to depth.  

In other words, even if you go through all five stages several times and in a different order or in a combination of stages each time, you might go through these stages in more profound ways each time from surface to depth.

Although this is understandable when the loss is close, people are often surprised to go through many layers of grief even when they were estranged from the person who died or the death was of a relative they never knew (see my article: (see my article: Mourning the Death of a Father You Have Never Known).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how grief can come in layers over time for an estranged family member:

Sara

When Sara received the phone call from the police that her estranged older sister, June, was found dead from an overdose of heroin hundreds of miles away, she was shocked at first. She and her sister had estranged for over 20 years (see my article: Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation).

Growing up Sara wasn't close to June. By the time Sara was five years old, her older sister had already quit high school to move in with a boyfriend that no one in the family liked, so Sara never saw her sister again.

As friends and family members heard about the June's death, they reached out to Sara to express their condolences (see my article: Expressing Condolences in a Caring and Tactful Way).

In response to their concern, Sara told them that she didn't have a sense of loss because she and June weren't close. She said she was just glad that June wasn't suffering anymore.

After Sara and her husband arranged for June's burial, they resumed their daily activities as if nothing had happened. But over time June's feelings changed. She noticed that her level of acceptance of June's death evolved over time.

As time passed and she went through what was left of June's personal belongings, Sara felt waves of sadness to be missing the sister she had never really known. 

Going through one of June's picture albums, Sara was surprised to discover that June kept pictures of her when she was a baby. It was at that point that Sara realized, even though June was someone she never really knew, she was important to June in ways she had never known.

The Many Layers of Grief

After discovering the pictures of herself, Sara made an effort to find out more about her sister. 

With much effort, she was able to find people in the area where June lived who knew her. She discovered that, before her life took a precipitous decline, June liked to draw portraits, including portraits of Sara when she was a baby.

She also discovered that up until June began abusing heroin, she loved to cook and she often invited friends and neighbors to her home for a meal, including people who were much less fortunate than her.

No one who knew June in the past was sure why her life took such a turn for the worse because she isolated herself in her final years. 

But some former friends believed her life got worse after she began a relationship with a man who introduced her to heroin. They surmised that after he left June, she kept to herself and her heroin use got worse until the day she overdosed.

As she discovered more about her sister, Sara was surprised to feel a depth of grief for June she would have never anticipated. 

Soon after that, she began therapy to deal with her loss.

People who are estranged from family members for a long time and people who have never known certain relatives are often surprised by the many layers of grief they feel.

Grieving in Your Own Way

We're hardwired for attachment in order to survive as babies. We're not hardwired for grief.

Grief is a topic that makes many people feel uncomfortable. In fact, many people try to avoid feeling emotions related to grief. 

The Many Layers of Grief

Those who aren't grieving often express surprise when people who have experienced a loss are continuing to grieve. 

Many make unkind remarks like, "You're still sad about your loss? How can this be when it's been over a year?" or "You just need to get out there and meet someone new."

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, there's no one right or wrong way to grieve so if you're grieving, you'll go through it in your own time and in your own way, but it's important to make room for all your feelings.  

Certain rituals in various cultures are meant to help those who are grieving to acknowledge their feelings and come together with other people for emotional support (see my article: The Power of Creating Rituals).

The Many Layers of Grief

But after everyone has gone home and returned to their lives, you'll probably realize your life has changed in unanticipated ways after your loss.  

You might return to work and other routines but, just like any other profound experience, grief can change you.

Aside from experiencing the loss, you might also discover that, over time, grief can give you a new appreciation for love and life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to work through grief in their own way.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One

Coping With Grief: It's Common For Emotional Pain to Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Complicated Grief

Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

Inconsolable Grief For a Mother's Death

Taking Care of Yourself After the Death of a Loved One

You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents After They Die

Who Are You After Both Parents Have Died?

The Emotional Pain of Clearing Out Your Parents' House After They Die

Writing as a Way to Cope With Grief

Writing About Your Mother After Her Death

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

What is the Connection Between Anxiety and Depression?

Although anxiety and depression often look different, they're more closely connected than most people think (see my article: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?)

The Connection Between Anxiety and Depression

While anxiety is usually considered a high energy state, depression is usually perceived as a low energy state. 

Even though they appear to be different, it's not unusual for a person with depression to also experience anxiety, including panic attacks, and vice versa.

How Are Anxiety and Depression Connected?

Anxiety is more than just common worry and nervousness. 

Anxiety can cause debilitating fear beyond what most people might experience.  

People who experience debilitating anxiety usually know that many of their anxious thoughts aren't rational, but they might not be able to stop these thoughts. 

Over time, this constant sense of dread can lead to depression.

What is the Cycle Between Anxiety and Depression?

When people feel highly anxious and they're unable to overcome or control their anxious thoughts, they often feel they have failed, which can lead to depression (see my article: Looking Happy on the Outside But Feeling Broken on the Inside).

The typical cycle between anxiety and depression can include one or more of the following:

• The chance of becoming depressed is much higher if you're already grappling with anxiety. About 50% of people who suffer with major depression also suffer from debilitating anxiety.

• Anxiety and depression can trigger each other.

The Connection Between Anxiety and Depression

• People who have unresolved trauma including PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) are prone to depression.

• Many people have a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression so that, without therapy, these conditions are passed on from one generation to the next. This includes intergenerational trauma.

What Are the Signs of a Combination of Anxiety and Depression?

Symptoms of anxiety and depression include (but are not limited to):

• Persistent irrational fears and worries

• Feeling helpless or powerless

• Feeling hopeless

• Difficulty falling and staying asleep

• Feeling tired and irritable

The Connection Between Anxiety and Depression

• Changes in eating habits including overeating or eating too little

• Memory problems

• Difficulty making decisions

• Problems concentrating

• Loss of interest in former activities or hobbies

• Problems relaxing

• Problems with being in the moment

• Suffering with panic attacks

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Anxiety and Depression

There are many different types of therapy to overcome anxiety and depression.

If your anxiety and depression are rooted in unresolved trauma, Experiential Therapy is safer and more effective than regular talk therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety and Depression

Experiential Therapy includes therapy modalities that work due to the mind-body connection (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential therapy includes the following types of therapy:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Parts Work including IFS (Internal Family Systems) and Ego States Therapy

• Clinical Hypnosis (also known as Hypnotherapy)
  

Instead of struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you overcome anxiety and depression so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome anxiety and depression, including problems related to unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.