What is Compersion in Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships?

What is Compersion?

Compersion is wholehearted participation in the happiness of others.  

Compersion is the opposite of jealousy.

It's possible for you to experience compersion in any type of relationship or with any group of people.

Compersion: Wholehearted Participation in the Happiness of Others

Where Did the Word Compersion Come From?

The Sanskrit word called mudita goes back at least 2,500 years. We don't have an exact translation for mudita in English. The closest translation is sympathetic joy.  

The word compersion is a word that was specifically coined for polyamory in a polyamorous community in San Francisco, CA.

How Does Compersion Relate to Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

Experiencing compersion in a consensual nonmonogamous relationship means you're genuinely happy for your partner's joy in other romantic or sexual relationships that you have both consented to in advance.

Compersion and Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

Those who have developed the ability to feel compersion in their relationships say that compersion occurs when you can let go of your insecurities and projections and work on experiencing compersion.

There are some people who identify themselves as being naturally polyamorous and compersion comes more easily to them.  They usually don't have many of the same challenges that other people have with jealous.

Most other people, who have successfully developed compersion, had to work on it to develop this ability. 

In addition to developing compersion, they had to work on becoming autonomous individuals in their relationship(s).

What Does It Mean to Be An Autonomous Individual in Relationship(s)?

Being an autonomous individual in a relationship means that:

• You have self awareness and you have a strong sense of what you think, feel and want.

• You appreciate your individuality even when you're in a relationship.

• You have your own beliefs and your own path that you're following.

• You're able to express to your partner(s) what you feel.

• You're able to tolerate hearing what your partner feels without falling apart emotionally--even if your partner tells you something you don't want to hear.

• You maintain your social support network, including your close friends and loved ones.

• You maintain and develop your own individual interests and hobbies which are separate from your romantic and sexual relationship(s).

• You're able to self soothe and take care of yourself when things aren't going well for you.

• You appreciate alone time without feeling lonely or isolated.

• You encourage your partner(s) to pursue their own interests and hobbies without you.

How Does Being an Autonomous Individual Relate to Compersion?

Compersion is a radical idea that not everyone can or wants to achieve, especially when it comes to being in a non-traditional relationship, like a consensual nonmonogamous or polyamorous relationship, or engaging in certain forms of kinky sex like threesomes where you and your partner(s) get involved with people outside your relationship(s).

Before you engage in a consensual nonmonogamy or in kinky sex, like threesomes or cuckolding, you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner(s) as to whether these choices are right for you.

Some people just know whether consensual nonmonogamy and kinky sex are right for them and others try it to find out if it's the right choice.

Special Challenges: Unresolved Abandonment Issues and an Anxious Attachment Style

Many people who are anxious, insecure, who have unresolved childhood trauma, including fear of abandonment or an anxious attachment style , have a great deal of difficulty being polyamorous, consensually nonmonogamous or engaging in certain types of kinky sex with others because it's too psychologically triggering for them.

Although more people are trying consensual nonmonogamy, the vast majority of people still want to be in monogamous relationships. So, even if you don't have a history of trauma, you might not want to explore these alternative relationships, and that's okay.  

Are You Considering Opening Up Your Relationship?

Jealousy is a normal emotion, so even if you're actively working on compersion because you and your partner(s) want to open up your relationship or you both want to try certain forms of kinky sex that involve other people, you'll probably experience some jealousy.  It's a matter of degree.

Many people who decide to open up their relationship have worked through issues of jealousy to achieve compersion, so it is possible.

There are also some people who aren't really jealous.  They probably have the easiest time with feeling compersion for their partners because jealousy doesn't get in the way of their feeling happy when their partners experience joy having sexual and romantic feelings for other people.

Working in Sex Therapy to Come Up With An Agreement For a Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationship

Compersion is based on trusting yourself and your partner(s).

Working on a Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationship Agreement

If you're considering a consensual nonmonogamous relationship and you want to build trust with your partner(s), it's important that you and your partner(s) have a written agreement that you negotiate together.  

Most psychotherapists and couples therapists aren't trained to work with unconventional relationships that include compersion.  

Therapists who aren't trained in sex therapy often pathologize alternative relationship choices, including consensual nonmonogamy and kinky sex, which will only confuse you.

Seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in modern sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and modern Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who is also a trauma therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Kinky Sex?

This is the first in a series of articles about kink and kinky sex.

What is Kinky Sex?

The terms kink and kinky sex refer to sex that is unconventional-- although what is considered unconventional is very much in the eye of the beholder.  What some people consider unconventional sex seems conventional to others.  But, aside from how people define unconventional sex, there's no doubt that kinky sex has become increasingly popular in recent years.  

What is Kinky Sex?

What Are the Different Types of Kinky Sex?

Although there are different points of view about what kinky sex is, there are some categories that are generally agreed upon, including but not limited to:

• BDSM Sex: BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance, Discipline, Submission, Sadism and Masochism and it includes a wide variety of consensual sexual acts (see my article: Destigmatizing Fantasies of Power and. Submission).  BDSM includes power play among adults:

• Bondage: Restricting a person's movement with ropes, handcuffs, silk scarfs and other types of restraints

• Dominance: Physical and/or psychological dominance over a partner in the bedroom privately and outside the bedroom with others

• Discipline: Exerting control over a submissive partner through agreed upon rules or punishments 

• Submission: Submitting to agreed upon rules or punishments by a dominant partner

• Sadism and Masochism (Sadomasochism): Pleasure derived from either inflicting or receiving agreed upon emotional or physical pain

• Fantasy and Role Playing: Fantasy and role playing involves creating imagined scenarios that people act out.  This category of kink also includes a wide variety of acts:

• Talking About Sexual Fantasies: Sexual partners can share their fantasies with each other either in or outside the bedroom (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Acting Out Sexual Fantasies: People can act out consensual sexual fantasies either inside or outside the bedroom. An example of acting out a private fantasy outside the bedroom would be a couple who go to a bar, pretend not to know each other, and enact a fantasy of picking each other up.  At the other end of the spectrum are people who are at a sex party who act out their fantasies in front of others where everyone is consenting to these activities.

• Fetishes: Generally, a fetish is treating any nonsexual object or any body part sexually. Fetish play is common, and it's estimated that about 1 out of 4 people are into some type of fetish.  Some of the most common fetishes include:

• Feet: Feet are the most common body part that are fetishized, especially by men. Feet are connected to legs and legs lead to genitals.

• Shoes: Shoes are obviously connected to feet.  Shoes are mostly fetishized by men, but some women are also aroused by shoes. The heel of a woman's high heel shoe is considered sexy among people who have this fetish. For those who are into high heels, the idea of having sex with a woman wearing only her high heels is sexually arousing.

High Heels Are a Common Fetish

• Underwear: Underwear, especially women's panties, bras or stockings, are sexually arousing for men who are into this fetish. This includes observing someone wearing women's sexy underwear and handling or wearing underwear.

• Masks: Mask fetishism involves getting sexually aroused by wearing or seeing others wearing a mask.  The masks can be made of any material--leather, rubber or any other type of material. 

Mask Fetishism

• Leather: Leather clothing emphasize the shape and curves of the body for men and women. This includes leather jackets, vests, boots, pants, chaps, harnesses and other leather garments. People who are sexually aroused by leather are often part of leather culture, and leather culture is often associated with BDSM. Leather tools are also considered sexually arousing by those who are into leather, including, among other things, whips, restraints and paddles. People who are into this fetish can be aroused by the sight, scent, sound and feel of leather.  Leather is often associated with empowerment and it can be linked with Dressing For Power (DFP).  Leather is often linked with sexual dominance. Leather is also an important part of gay male culture, but anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, can enjoy a leather fetish.

• Spandex: Spandex is made from a form fitting stretch fabric which is used for clothing worn by gymnasts, swimmers, dancers, gym members, cyclists, circus performers and the general public.  One reason spandex is fetishized is that it appears like a second skin.  Aside from the visual allure of these form fitting garments, spandex is considered by many to be sensuous to the touch. For some, the tightness of the garment is also associated with bondage. 

• Latex: Although latex might not be as common a fetish as leather, it's a popular fetish for many people. Latex is made from the sap of a rubber tree.  It's strong and stretchy. People can be sexually aroused by either wearing or observing others wearing latex.  Latex clothing includes form fitting outerwear, like catsuits, or underwear.

• Ears: Ears are sexually arousing and fetishized by many people. This includes kissing, licking or breathing on an ear.  

• Hair: Many men are attracted to people with beautiful hair, and some women have a preference for men with certain types of hair.

• Navels: Navel fetishism mostly appeals to men but also some women. People who are into navels, also known as belly buttons, often consider navels to be the center of sexual desire.

• Tatoos: Getting a tatoos or seeing tatoos is a fetish for many people. 

• Body Piercings: For people who get turned on by giving or receiving pain, body piercings are often a turn-on.  This tends to be a fetish among younger adults, but adults of all ages can get sexually aroused by piercings.

• Color: Some people have a fetish for certain colors including red, blue, black and other colors.  Some prefer solid colors and others like combinations of colors or certain patterns.

• Gerontophilia: Gerontophilia is an attraction to older people by younger adults. Gerontophilia is usually an intense sexual attraction experienced by younger men for older women. It can border on the obsessive. Younger people, both men and women, who have sexual attractions for older people are called gerontophiles. The terms MILF or cougar, which are considered vulgar terms, are associated with gerontophilia. MILF or cougar refers to a sexy mature woman of childbearing age. Similarly, DILF, another term which is considered derogatory by many, refers to a sexy mature man. Just like any other sexual act or fetish, as long as the behavior is consensual, there is no reason to pathologize or stigmatize this behavior (see my articles: Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men and Can Modern Day Age Gap Relationships Last?).

• Cuckolding: Cuckolding is big topic onto itself. Historically, the word "cuckold" referred to a husband whose wife was cheating on him with other men. However, the contemporary use of the words cuckold and cuckolding now refers to people who get sexually turned on by watching their spouse or significant other having sex with someone else. Typically, it refers to a man who likes to see his partner with another man, but in practice it can involve any gender or sexual orientation where one person likes to watch a partner having sex with someone else.

• Adult Diaper Play: Adult diaper play includes getting sexually aroused by wearing or observing someone else wearing diapers. Diaper play can be eroticized or it can involve creating imaginary scenarios where an adult behaves like an infant with another adult.

• Group Sex: One of the most common sexual fantasies involves group sex, including threesomes.  Group sex involves more than two people.  According to social psychologist and Kinsey research fellow, Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., up to 95% of men and 87% of women have fantasized about group sex with threesomes being the most common fantasy.  People often think of threesomes as one man and two women (FMF which is female-male-female), but threesomes can also be two men and a woman (MFM).  For many people, the fantasy is enough to get them sexually aroused and they don't want to enact it.  Others fantasize about it and get physically involved with group sex at sex parties or in other places where people gather to have sex.

Group Sex includes Threesomes

• Voyeurism and Exhibitionism: Voyeurism involves getting sexual gratification from observing an unsuspecting person, so voyeurism is not consensual. Exhibitionism, which involves having sex in a public place, is also considered nonconsensual for those who unwittingly happen upon it in public. Both are criminal offenses, so they are not recommended. These types of activities are different from consensual acts that are observed and enacted in sex clubs, resorts or swingers parties.

Conclusion

I've attempted to include the most popular forms of kinky sex, but no list is exhaustive in terms of the types of kinks people like.

As previously mentioned, what is considered kinky sex is based on an individual's perspective and preferences.

In future articles, I'll continue to discuss kinky sex, including how to talk to your partner about the type of kinky sex you might like (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2 and Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety

In Part 1 of this topic, I discussed some of common issues that cause sexual anxiety.  

In this article, I'm focusing on various clinical scenarios and how sex therapy can help (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?):

• Body Image issues include women who feel insecure about their body (perceptions about too fat, too thin, too short, too tall and so on) and men who worry about their penis size and other physical issues (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?)

Sexual Anxiety Related to Body Image

• Sexual Dysfunction like erectile dysfunction or unpredictability, problems with having orgasms, low libido or painful sex

• Shame and Guilt about sex that can stem from cultural issues, religion, family history and other factors

• Relationship Problems including conflict, arguments and other relationship stressors

Sexual Anxiety Related to Relationship Problems

• Sexual Trauma including a history of sexual history of sexual abuse that can get triggered during sex

• Infidelity in a relationship which creates anger, resentment, mistrust and sadness

• Sexual Pressure from a partner including having sex or engaging in certain types of unwanted sexual activities to appease a partner (see my articles: Mismatched Sexual Libido in Relationships)

• Stress and Worry from other areas in life that affect sexual libido

• Sexual Inexperience can create anxiety about sexual performance, which often makes people feel self conscious and ashamed during sex

• Other Mental Health Issues including depression and other types of anxiety

Clinical Scenarios

In the current article, the clinical scenarios will provide more details about sexual anxiety and how sex therapy can help (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Many of these scenarios are a combination of problems and, as always, these vignettes are composites of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Clinical Scenario: Body Image, Shame, Guilt and Erectile Dysfunction

John 

John grew up in a conservative religious home where sex was never discussed.  Although his family never talked to him about sex, when he was 12 years old, he discovered his father's mainstream pornography collection, including films with explicit sex scenes. 

Since sex was never discussed in his home and he attended a religious school where there was no formal sex education, these pornographic films were John's only introduction to sex and his only form of so-called "sex education" (in reality, these films, like most mainstream porn, provided a lot of misinformation). 

John saw images of men in these porn films with huge penises. As as a teenager, he already felt inadequate about the size of his penis and these films made it worse.

By the time he had his first sexual experience in college, he felt ashamed of his body, especially the size of his penis.  In addition, the fact that he was having sex outside of marriage, which was taboo in his culture, created problems for him with maintaining an erection.  

Sexual Anxiety Due to Shame, Guilt and Erectile Dysfunction

His sexual anxiety became an ongoing problem: His shame and anxiety about sex and his penis size made it difficult to maintain an erection and his problems maintaining an erection created even more anxiety. He was caught in what he thought would be an endless negative cycle.  

He eventually sought help in sex therapy where he learned that his problem with sexual anxiety was a common one. His sex therapist provided him with resources, including books on sex education, where he learned that the size of his erect penis was average (the average size of an erect penis is about 5.16 inches).

John also learned in sex therapy how to overcome problems with sexual anxiety to stop the negative cycle he was caught in, including mind-body oriented techniques to help him relax and enjoy sex.

Clinical Scenario: Sexual Anxiety Related to Sexual Trauma and Pressure to Have Sex

Ann and Bob

Ann was sexually molested by her maternal uncle, who fondled her breasts, from the time she was 12 until she was 15.  When she was younger, she was too afraid to tell anyone about the sexual molestation.  

Sexual Anxiety Due to Sexual Trauma

But when she was15, she told her mother, who didn't believe Ann.  Ann's mother couldn't believe that her older brother would sexually abuse Ann, and she told Ann to stop trying to get attention by making up these stories. 

Even though he was aware that Ann's mother didn't believe Ann, her uncle became so scared that his secret was out that he stopped touching Ann.  

Logically, Ann knew she had done nothing wrong but, on an emotional level, she felt she must have been partly responsible for her uncle's behavior, especially since the fondling felt pleasurable to her, which made the experience confusing.

By the time she began dating boys at age 16, Ann dreaded the possibility of being kissed or touched by a boy.  

When she got engaged to Bob, she was relieved that he wanted to wait until they got married to have sex.  But on their wedding night, she was highly anxious.  This set up a pattern where Ann tried to avoid having sex whenever possible, but when she felt pressured by Bob, she gave in to him reluctantly.

She never enjoyed sex because of her sexual anxiety. Every time she had sex with Bob, it triggered memories of her uncle touching her inappropriately.  She just thought of sex with Bob as something to get through and she was relieved whenever it was over.

Two years into the marriage, Bob was fed up with Ann's lack of enthusiasm for having sex. After they started sex therapy, Ann reluctantly revealed her history of sexual abuse, which made Bob never knew about.  Knowing about the abuse made him much more compassionate. 

Ann also learned that it was common and normal for young girls who are sexually abused to feel sexual pleasure during the abuse.  She learned that, even though she didn't want her uncle to touch her, her body responded naturally and spontaneously.  

In addition to what she knew logically, she eventually felt on an emotional level that she was in no way responsible for the sexual abuse or the sexual pleasure she experienced during the abuse.  

Their sex therapist recommended that, in addition to the couple's sex therapy session, Ann work on her unresolved sexual trauma in individual trauma therapy.  

Over time, as Ann worked though her trauma and she and Bob worked on their issues as a couple in sex therapy, Ann began to enjoy sex and their sex life together was much more fulfilling.

Clinical Scenario: Sexual Anxiety Due to Relationship Problems and Infidelity

Ted and Bill

Three months after they started dating, Ted and Bill moved in together in Bill's apartment.  

Prior to moving in together, they were in love and they had a fun and exciting sex life together. But after they moved in together, they realized they had different views about monogamy. 

Bill liked to flirt and occasionally have casual sex with other men, but Ted was completely opposed to nonmonogamy.  This caused frequent arguments and put a damper on their sex life together.  

After Ted found out that Bill was having a sexual affair with a man Bill met at a gay bar, Ted felt angry, sad, resentful and mistrustful of Bill.  Bill felt remorse for causing Ted pain so he ended the affair.  But he told Ted he didn't want to stop having sex with men occasionally.  

Sexual Anxiety Due to Relationship Problems and Infidelity

Since they were unable to resolve these issues on their own, they sought help as a couple in sex therapy.  Eventually, Bill admitted that he would like to have occasional flings with other men too, but he was initially too ashamed to admit this even to himself.  

Their sex therapist provided them with psychoeducation about different types of consensual nonmonogamous relationships.  She also helped them to work out an agreement as to what types of nonmonogamous behavior was acceptable to each of them and, eventually, they worked out a mutually agreed upon written agreement.

They agreed to have a consensual nonmonogamous relationship where they were primary partners to each other and all other sexual encounters would be casual.  

They agreed they could have sex with other men occasionally, but they would try to avoid forming emotional attachments with these other men because their relationship was their primary emotional attachment.  This meant that they wouldn't have sex with anyone else more than a few times to avoid becoming emotionally attached to them.

As issues with jealousy came up, they learned in sex therapy that jealousy was common.  They also learned in sex therapy how to deal with jealousy.

Over time, they would revise their consensual nonmonogamous agreement as they encountered new situations they had not thought of before.  

They both agreed that this form of consensual nonmonogamy worked best for each of them as individuals and for their relationship.  As a result, their sex life became passionate again.

Clinical Scenario: Sexual Anxiety Due to Sexual Inexperience, Shame and Guilt

Ari

Ari and his family moved to the United States when he was 16 years old.  They came from a conservative culture in their country of origin where talking about sex before marriage was considered taboo. 

Since Ari's parents had an arranged marriage in their country, they hoped Ari would allow them to arrange a marriage for him.  But he was adamantly opposed to this, and he told them that he wanted to choose his own partner.

Sexual Anxiety Due to Sexual Inexperience

When he entered high school in New York City, to his amazement, Ari discovered that most of his classmates had already begun dating and having sex.  

This created a great deal of anxiety and shame for him because dating and premarital sex was considered taboo in his country.  He feared classmates would discover he had never dated or had sex with a girl and they would ridicule him. So, he tried to avoid the topic whenever it came up.

After a while, Ari resorted to making up stories about sexual exploits to tell the boys in school but, inwardly, he feared he would be discovered.

By the time he went away to college, Ari continued to feel conflicted about dating and sex.  He felt caught between the culture he grew up as a boy in and the American culture he was currently living in.  Part of him wanted to go out with women and have sexual experiences, but another part of him felt ashamed and guilty for wanting these experiences.

His attempts at dating and sex in college caused him shame and anxiety.  He felt awkward asking women out on dates and he fumbled sexually.  

The one and only time he attempted to have sex with a woman ended up being frustrating and embarrassing for him and the woman.  Due to his anxiety, he had premature ejaculation and he ended the sexual encounter abruptly.

By the time he was in his mid-20s, Ari felt increasingly worried about his ability to date and have sex, so he entered into sex therapy.  

He was able to work through his anxiety and conflictual feelings in sex therapy.  He also learned how to remain focused on his and his partner's sexual pleasure rather than worrying about his sexual performance (see my articles: What is Performative Sex? and What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

Clinical Scenario: Sexual Anxiety Due to Stress and Worry

Rita and Jack

Before they had children, Rita and Jack had a sexually fulfilled sex life.  Sex was fun and passionate between them.

But by the time they had two children, stress and worry intruded on their sex life.  They worried about their children's health and whether they were good parents.  They were also often exhausted by the time they put their children to sleep so they were too tired to have sex.

Sexual Anxiety Due to Stress and Worry

Even when they both had enough energy to have sex, Rita was too distracted to enjoy sex because she was worried that one or both children would interrupt them by coming into their bedroom at night because the children couldn't sleep.

Over time, their sex life dwindled to only a few times a year and they were rarely both in the mood at the same time.  Jack was more spontaneous about sex than Rita, who needed more sexual stimulation to get into the mood (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

On their fifth wedding anniversary, they left the children with Rita's parents and they went away to have a romantic weekend.  But when they were alone in their hotel room that night, they felt like strangers to each other. They felt too awkward to have sex--even though they were in a romantic environment with no interruptions.

After that weekend, they began seeing a sex therapist who talked to them about their sex script and how they approached sex from the initial encounter until completion (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

During sex therapy, they both learned a lot about each other sexually and what they liked and disliked--each of their turn-ons and turn-offs (see my article: What Are Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes?).

They also had fun homework assignments to try at home between sex therapy sessions.  Then, they discussed how they experienced these assignments in the next sex therapy session.

After a while, they planned another romantic getaway and they put into practice what they learned in sex therapy.  

When they were at home, they developed a better sleep routine for their children to minimize interruptions.   They also put a lock on their bedroom door so they wouldn't need to worry about the children coming in while they were having sex.

Eventually, their sex life came alive again (see my article: Keeping the Sexual Spark Alive in Your Relationship).

Clinical Scenario: Sexual Anxiety Due to Depression and Other Types of Anxiety

Ida

Throughout her life, Ida had experienced several episodes of depression and generalized anxiety.  

By the time Ida was in her 30s and in a long term relationship with Jane, her depressive and anxiety-related symptoms were getting in the way of her sexual pleasure.  

She experienced some relief from her symptoms after she saw a psychiatrist and he prescribed medication, but she still didn't look forward to either solo sex or partnered sex with Jane.

Sexual Anxiety Due to Depression and Generalized Anxiety

Her individual therapist, who was helping Ida with her depression and anxiety, recommended that Ida seek help in sex therapy to deal with her low libido.  Her therapist explained that, like most psychotherapists, she wasn't trained in sex therapy, which is a specialty, so Ida needed to seek help with a specialist who was trained in sex therapy.

At first, Ida was reluctant to see a sex therapist because she didn't know anything about sex therapy.  But her individual therapist told Ida that there would be no physical exams, no nudity or touching in sex therapy.  She explained to Ida that sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, and she encouraged Ida to have a sex therapy consultation.

Ida was relieved that her sex therapist was easy to talk to and Ida was able to open up about her lack of pleasure during sex.  As a first step, her sex therapist also encouraged Ida to talk to her psychiatrist and find out if her medication was contributing to her lack of sexual desire.

After her psychiatrist changed her medication that didn't have sexual side effects, Ida felt more open to having sex with Jane, but she still experienced anxiety during sex.  

So her sex therapist helped Ida with mind-body oriented techniques to help her relax more during sex and stay focused on her own and Jane's sexual pleasure.

They also worked together to help Ida discover on her own what was sexually pleasurable to her during solo sex/masturbation because Ida had problems having orgasms (see my article: Women's Sexual Pleasure: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

At first, Ida had problems masturbating because she felt awkward and embarrassed about touching herself.  But, at her sex therapist's recommendation, she started slowly by getting in touch first with what felt sensually pleasurable to her using her five senses--sight, sound, touch, smell and tactile pleasure.

Ida discovered she liked taking bubble baths using herbs in the bath that helped her to relax.  She learned to create a sensual experience for herself by having scented candles, listening to relaxing music, and smoothing on body lotion after the bath.  Afterwards, she was relaxed and open to pleasuring herself.  

Not only did these sensual experiences help Ida to relax, they also helped her to discover what she enjoyed sexually.  Then, she was able to talk to Jane about these sexual discoveries (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Over time, sex became pleasurable and passionate for Ida and Jane (see my article: Savoring Pleasure).

Conclusion

One article can't encompass all the problems addressed in sex therapy.  This article attempts to cover some of the most common problems discussed in sex therapy.

One of the most common problems, sexual anxiety, is common. But people who experience sexual anxiety aren't aware of how common it is because people rarely talk about it outside of therapy.

You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, so if you're experiencing sexual anxiety or other sexual problems, seek help in sex therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist. 

I am also a trauma therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What is Sexual Anxiety?

Sexual anxiety is a common problem for both men and women. It can come up while dating, in an established relationship, in casual relationships or in any other situation where people have sex (see my article: What is Sex Therapy? ).

Overcoming Sexual Anxiety

Sexual anxiety can be a problem that comes up occasionally or it can be a chronic issue that gets in the way of sexual pleasure (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

In this article, which is Part 1 on the topic of sexual anxiety, I'm identifying some of the most common situations where people experience sexual anxiety (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

In Part 2, I'll provide clinical vignettes to show specific examples.

What is Sexual Anxiety? 

Sexual anxiety is any anxiety you experience related to sex.  It can lead to avoiding sexual activities, talking about sex or anything related to sex.

Why Do People Experience Sexual Anxiety?

Sexual anxiety can come up for many different reasons, including:

• Body Image Problems: Body image issues are common for both men and women.  Many people, especially people who watch mainstream pornography (as opposed to ethical porn), feel insecure about their body. Many men feel insecure about their penis size because they see images of men with large penises in mainstream porn.  Many women worry about being too fat or they worry about other physical aspects, including the size of their breasts.  If one or both people are feeling insecure or ashamed of their body, they often feel anxious and have problems feeling sexually aroused or remaining sexually engaged.

Sexual Anxiety: Body Image Issues

• Sexual Dysfunction: Body image issues, as well as other types of sexual anxiety, can contribute to erectile dysfunction, problems having an orgasm, low libido, painful sex for women, and other sexual issues.

• Shame and Guilt About Having Sex: Whether the problem is related to cultural, religious, family of origin or other issues, shame and guilt can create sexual anxiety for people before, during and after sex.

• Relationship Problems: When people in a relationship are experiencing conflict, arguments, stress in the relationship and other problems, these problems often lead to anxiety and an inability to experience sexual pleasure.

Sexual Anxiety: Relationship Problems

• Sexual Trauma: A history of sexual abuse can create sexual anxiety if the trauma remains unresolved.  Even when someone is with a partner they love and trust, current sexual activity can trigger emotions from the past.

• Infidelity in the Relationship: When someone discovers that their partner has been cheating, they can feel anxious about sex with their partner.  Sexual anxiety can develop when a partner worries that they can't trust their partner. They might worry about contracting a sexually transmitted infection.  Also, discovering infidelity often brings feelings of resentment, anger, insecurity and sadness as well as anxiety that interfere with sex.

Sexual Anxiety: Infidelity in the Relationship

• Pressure to Have Sex: Sexual pressure, whether it's spoken or unspoken, is the opposite of sexual pleasure.  Sex should always be consensual.  If a person feels pressured to have sex or to engage in sexual activities they don't want to do, they can feel anxious. It they go along with it just to appease a partner, this isn't consensual.  Feeling pressured creates stress and anxiety as well as anger and resentment.

• Lack of Sexual Experience: If one or both partners have little or no sexual experience, they can experience sexual anxiety about how they will "perform." Rather than being focused on their own and their partner's pleasure, they worry about their performance, which takes them outside the experience. This often leads to "spectatoring," which is being self conscious and stuck in their head instead of focusing on their own and their partner's sexual pleasure. Lack of sexual experience might also mean one or both partners isn't sexually informed due to a lack of sexual education.

Sexual Anxiety: Lack of Sexual Experience

• Stress and Worry: A little stress in the form of sexual anticipation can make sex enjoyable, but too much stress can create sexual anxiety, especially when stress takes one or both people outside their sexual experience.  Even if the stress and worry aren't directly related to sex, it can be difficult to relax enough to enjoy sex.

Sexual Anxiety: Worry and Stress

• Other Mental Health Issues: Mental health issues like generalized anxiety, depression and other problems, can create problems during sex, including sexual anxiety.  

Next Article

As I mentioned earlier, I'll give clinical vignettes about some of these issues in my next article: How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're experiencing sexual anxiety, you're not alone--sexual anxiety is a common problem.

Without help, sexual anxiety can get worse over time.

You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, so instead of suffering on your own, seek help to resolved your problem from a licensed psychotherapist who is a sex therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Many people who have sexual problems feel too ashamed to get help in sex therapy or they don't know what sex therapy is (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Common Issues in Sex Therapy

To shed light on some of the most common issues clients discuss in sex therapy, I'm writing this article to help reduce the stigma related to sexual problems and encourage people to seek help.

What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

The following are just some of the most common issues discussed in sex therapy in no particular order:

• Mismatched Libidos/Discrepant Sexual Desire Between Partners: The initial stage of a relationship is the limerence stage when people experience that heady in love feeling and sex tends to be passionate and exciting.  But it's a common occurrence that the limerence stage only lasts for a relatively short time and then the relationship develops into a more mature phase of love, which is often less exciting. This is normal, but many people think there's something wrong with their relationship when the excitement wanes. When this happens and one person desires sex more often than the other, there is a mismatch in sexual desire, which is called discrepant sexual desire. The mismatch can involve any type of difference. This mismatch can involve sexual frequency or the type of sex each person wants to have. Sex therapy can help couples to reignite the spark in their relationship (see my article: Relationships and Mismatched Sex Drives: What is Discrepant Sexual Desire?).

Common Issues in Sex Therapy: Sexual Desire Discrepancy

• Differences in Sexual Responsiveness in a Relationship: Related to discrepant sexual desire is a difference in sexual responsiveness.  This can occur at any stage in a relationship.  This means that each person in the relationship experiences sexual arousal in a different way.  One person experiences spontaneous desire and the other person needs more time to get turned on, which is called responsive desire.  Again, this is common and normal. Neither type of desire--spontaneous nor responsive--is better than the other. They're just different. Sex therapy can help people struggling with this issue, especially if both people are willing to work on getting to know their turn-ons and turn-offs, which are often referred to as sexual accelerators and sexual brakes (see my articles: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal and Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

• Frustration About a Sexless Relationship: There are relationships where neither partner is bothered by the fact that they're not having sex because sex isn't important to them. If both people feel the same way, there's no problem. But in most relationships sex is important and if sexual frequency has dwindled down to several times a year or to nothing, one or both partners are often dissatisfied.  Sex therapy can help people to get to the root of their sexless relationship so they can enjoy sex (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).
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Common Issues in Sex Therapy: Frustration About a Sexless Relationship

• Loss of Trust and Sexual Desire After Infidelity: After one or both people in a relationship discover infidelity, they often find it difficult to reestablish trust so that they can enjoy emotional and sexual intimacy.  Even if the person who cheated is genuinely remorseful, the person who feels betrayed often associates sex with anger, resentment, sadness, betrayal and suspicion.  This can make having sex challenging. Sex therapy can help these individuals to work on regaining trust and intimacy (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After an Affair).

• Erectile Unpredictability: When medical issues have been ruled out, most cases of erectile unpredictability, including erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, an inability to sustain an erection, are psychological in nature.  The man who experiences erectile unpredictability often experiences shame and guilt, and the significant other sometimes blames themselves or believes their partner doesn't find them sexually desirable.  However, sexual desirability usually isn't the problem.  The problem often involves anxiety about maintaining an erection or a self consciousness about sexual performance. Sexual anxiety often leads to spectatoring. Spectatoring, which can happen to a man or a woman, means they get stuck in their head and they lose focus of their own and their partner's sexual pleasure (see my article: Are Negative Thoughts About Yourself During Sex Distracting You?).
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Common Issues in Sex Therapy: Erectile Unpredictability

• Sexual Performance Anxiety: People who are preoccupied with performance anxiety during partnered sex often have problems with sexual self esteem.  Their preoccupation with their performance, body image issues, and other inhibitory factors often bring about the problems they fear in terms of erectile unpredictability (as mentioned above), problems with orgasms (for both men and women), and other sex-related problems. Rather than focusing on pleasure, they're focused on performance. Sex therapy can help these individuals to reorient their focus to sexual pleasure rather than on performing in a certain way (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

• Unresolved Sexual Abuse That Has a Negative Impact on Solo and Partnered Sex: Unresolved sexual abuse trauma can get triggered during solo or partnered sex. Individuals with a history of sexual abuse, which include women and men, can experience anything from flashbacks to overall feelings of revulsion when they have sex. Some people are aware of their history of sexual abuse. Others might have fleeting memories or fragments of memories.  Others might have no conscious memories of it, but they have a sense of it. These individuals can be helped in sex therapy with a therapist who also specializes in psychological trauma (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

Common Issues in Sex Therapy: Sexual Abuse

• Painful Sex For Women: Even though as many as 1 in 5 women suffer with some form of pain during sexual intercourse (penis in vagina sex), many of these women don't know that this is a common problem. They suffer in silence or they avoid sex altogether.  They also don't know that sex therapy can help them (see my article: Getting Help For Painful Sex in Sex Therapy).

• An Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Women and Men:  The orgasm gap refers to differences experienced by heterosexual women as compared to heterosexual men in terms of having an orgasm during partnered sex.  Many women are able to have an orgasm during solo sex (masturbation), but they're unable to have an orgasm during partnered sex with men.  This is usually due to the fact that many women don't have an orgasm from sexual intercourse alone.  They need clitoral stimulation, and many men and some women are unaware of this. Unfortunately, there's also still a double standard when it comes to sexual satisfaction: Some men don't value a woman's sexual pleasure as much as much as they value their own. In addition, some women are also focused more on their male partner's sexual satisfaction.  Or, sex is so unsatisfying for some women that they just want to get it over with as quickly as possible. Often poor sexual communication between the man and the woman having sex is an issue.  In addition, poor sex education in the United States is a contributing factor (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Compulsive and Out of Control Sexual Behavior:  Sexually compulsive behavior includes an excessive preoccupation with sexual thoughts, urges or behavior. These compulsive thoughts, urges or behavior are disruptive. They often have a significant negative impact on a person's health, relationships, work and other important areas of their life. Compulsive or out of control sexual behavior is not the same as feeling ashamed or guilty about sex in general.  Sexually compulsive behavior can be treated in individual sex therapy or in couples sex therapy (see my article: Treating Sexually Compulsive Behavior in Sex Therapy).

• Lack of Sexual Experience: There are men and women who, for a variety of reasons, have either limited sexual experience or no sexual experience as adults. Shame and guilt are often at the root of this problem, including poor body image.  There might also be cultural factors. Sex therapy can help adults overcome shame and guilt so they can have a healthy sex life (see my article: (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?).

Common Issues in Sex Therapy: Lack of Sexual Experience

• Unrealistic Expectations About Partnered Sex: Due to the inadequacy of sex education in the United States, many people, especially those in their 20s and 30s, get their so-called "sex education" from mainstream pornography. Unfortunately, mainstream pornography gives false and misleading information about sex. People, who rely on mainstream pornography to learn about sex, forget they are watching actors in scripts. They forget that these sexual portrays aren't real.  Not only are these portrayals unrealistic, but the scripts are often very misogynistic in terms of how women are portrayed. Sometimes porn uses women as well as children who have been coerced into working on these films due to sex trafficking.  Pornography also has misleading information about what gets a woman turned on.  This is especially unfortunate because there are sources of ethical pornography that don't have these problems.  Sex therapy can help people, who have false and misleading information about sex and unrealistic expectations, to learn how to have healthier solo and partnered sex.

Common Issues in Sex Therapy: Exploring Kink or BDSM 

• Individuals or Couples Who Want to Explore Kink or BDSM: There are individuals and couples who want to explore kink or BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, Masochism), but they might not know where to start. Or, one person in a relationship wants to explore kink and the other is hesitant. Sex therapy can help individuals and couples to start with their sexual fantasies as a way to explore their sexual turn-ons. From there, they can decide if they want to act on their fantasies or if the fantasies are enough without engaging in the behavior (see my articles: Destigmatizing Fantasies About BDSM and What is Power Play?)

• Disagreements About Opening Up a Relationship: Many people who are currently in monogamous relationships would like to have an open relationship, but their partner doesn't want it.  Couples who have a conflict around this issue could benefit from sex therapy where this issue can be negotiated. Other couples both want to open up the relationship, but they don't know how. There are many forms of consensual nonmonogamy. A couple can work out an agreement that suits both of them or they can acknowledge they're not compatible and end the relationship amicably. Sex therapy can help with all of these issues (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?)

Common Issues in Sex Therapy: Disagreements About Consensual Nonmonogamy

The categories listed above are just some of the most common reasons why people seek help in sex therapy.  There are many other sexual issues that bring individuals and couples to sex therapy.

Why Couples Therapy is Often Not the Right Therapy for Sexual Problems

Many couples therapists aren't trained sex therapists.  

Worse still, many couples therapists, who were trained in more traditional or outdated forms of couples therapy, don't know how to talk about sex with their clients. Many others collude with couples by avoiding the topic of sex altogether. In cases like this, a couple can go through an entire couples therapy with neither the couple nor the therapist bringing up anything about sex.

Couples therapists who weren't trained in sex therapy believe that if they help the couple to fix romantic problems, sex will naturally improve.  And while this might be true for many couples, it's definitely not true for all couples.  

In fact, there are lots of couples, who love each other and get along well, but there are problems in their sex life.  If a couples therapist doesn't know this, the sexual problems either never get addressed or the couples therapist unintentionally gives misleading or false information.  

In short, many couples therapists, who have no additional training in sex therapy, don't know how to help individuals with contemporary sexual issues.  This often leads to more harm than good.

When to Seek Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy. 

There are no physical exams, no touching and no nudity in sex therapy (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

If you have attempted to resolve sexual problems on your own without success, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

Rather than allowing hurt, shame and resentment to grow, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am also a trauma therapist who has helped clients to overcome problems related to sexual abuse (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.