Sexual Wellness: Don't Yuck Anybody's Yum

According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, disgust and shame are learned at an early age (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

To illustrate her point, Dr. Nagoski writes that an infant is unlikely to touch a toy that her parents have responded to with disgust because the infant already understands on a visceral level what disgust is--even if she doesn't have the words to express it.   

Needless to say, if babies learn about disgust at such a young age, older children and teens respond to a parent's disgust with shame and guilt, which can last a lifetime.

What Does "Don't Yuck Anybody's Yum" Mean?

"Don't yuck anybody's yum" is an urban expression and can be applied to any preference whether it's food, sex or anything else.

Don't Yuck Anybody's Yum

For instance, with regard to food, someone from a particular culture might show open disgust for the food preferences of a person from another culture.  This is disrespectful and shaming.

With regard to sex, the phrase "Don't yuck anybody's yum" is a sex positive concept that means, as long as sex is between consenting adults, you shouldn't shame or judge someone else's sexual activities (see my articles: What is Power Play? and How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires - Part 1 and Part 2).

If you don't like it, don't do it.  But keep your negative views to yourself because a judgmental attitude is psychologically harmful to others (see my article: Potential Pitfalls When You Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

An Early Childhood Experience of Yucking Someone's Yum

It's a common experience for a child to get caught masturbating by a parent.  Although it's normal for children to discover pleasure through masturbation, according to Dr. Nagoski, if a parent expresses disgust when she finds her child masturbating, the shame often has a lasting psychological impact when this child becomes an adult (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

If this same child experiences many instances of her parent's disgust for masturbation, those experiences can get encoded in her brain so that she associates sexual pleasure as disgusting, shameful and guilt ridden.  

This adult might have no explicit childhood memory of her parent's disgust, but she will have an implicit (unconscious) memory that will interfere with her sexual pleasure as an adult, and she probably won't even know why.  

She can grow up feeling conflicted about sexual pleasure.  On the one hand, it feels physically pleasurable.  But, on the other hand, the psychological association of shame and disgust connected to sexual pleasure will also be present at the same time.

Let's say this same woman doesn't even have conscious emotions of shame or guilt.  Her reaction might be somatic (in the body) instead (emotions are held in the body) so that when she is being sexual by herself or with a partner, her somatic reaction is to get nauseated.  

Since there is no conscious memory of her mother reacting with disgust and no conscious guilt or shame, she will probably be confused as to why she feels nauseated when she touches herself or when her partner touches her genitals.

She might go from one medical doctor to the next, taking expensive medical tests and spending a lot of money trying to find out why she gets an upset stomach during sex.  And given the cause, the doctors don't find anything physically wrong with her.  They might tell her that her nausea is "idiopathic," which just means that the cause is unknown.  

If she's fortunate enough to see a medical doctor who suspects a psychological cause for her nauseau during sex, she might be referred to a psychotherapist.  

If she's really lucky, she might find a therapist who works somatically using the mind-body connection so that her early trauma can get worked through by uncoupling the shame from sexual pleasure.  This uncoupling would free her to enjoy sex (see my articles: Using Somatic Psychotherapy When the Client Has No Words to Describe the Problem and Somatic Experiencing: Tuning Into the Mind-Body Connection).

A Common Adult Experience of Yucking Somebody's Yum

It often takes a lot of courage for someone to share their sexual fantasies and desires with a sexual partner--even if the sexual partner is a romantic partner or a spouse.  

A Woman Showing Disgust For Her Partner's Sexual Fantasy

When those fantasies and desires are considered unconventional, like kink or BDSM (bondage, discipline/dominance, sadism/submission and masochism), the partner might express disgust, shock or some other form of disapproval, which would be shaming for the person who made him or herself emotionally vulnerable enough to talk about their desires (see my article: What is Power Play? and Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies About Power and Submission).

To be sure, no one should ever be forced into doing anything they don't want to do sexually. At the same time, it's much less hurtful for a partner to respond tactfully that they wouldn't find these activities appealing and then come up with their own suggestions to reassure their partner that they still want to have sex and bond with them emotionally.

Conclusion

Parental expressions of disgust for a child who is masturbating can have a lasting detrimental impact on a child throughout their life, especially when it comes from a parent.  

As the child becomes an adult, the impact can ruin adult romantic and sexual relationships.

In adult relationships, romantic and sexual partners can also inadvertently shame their significant other when they express disgust or disapproval for certain sexual acts desired by their partner.

As long as these sexual acts are between consenting adults, it's important to be respectful of other people's choices rather than being judgmental or critical.  

You have the right to dislike a sexual act and the right not to engage in it, but you don't have the right to shame anyone, so be tactful and kind.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist,  hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time

One of the most common problems that brings people into sex therapy is what they perceive as sexual incompatibility, including sexual desire discrepancy. Sexual desire discrepancy means that you and your partner aren't in synch with regard to what you each want to do sexually and/or how often you want to have sex.

Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time

As I mentioned in an earlier article, sexual desire discrepancy can occur at any time for many reasons, including but not limited to:

• Not knowing each other sexually during the early stage of a relationship
• Stress
• Hormonal issues
• Medication side effects
• Negative body image
  
• Unresolved resentment between partners
  
• Trust issues
  
• Lack of sexual experience as an individual and/or as a couple                                
• Lack of emotional intimacy and vulnerability
• Sexual boredom
  

Sexual Compatibility Doesn't Always Happen Naturally

Most people assume that sexual compatibility just happens naturally during the early stage of a relationship.  They think it's either there or it's not.  

But the reality is that sexual compatibility often doesn't always happen naturally.

I'll unpack these ideas in this article.  For now, the idea to grasp is that since sexual compatibility isn't automatic, the most important thing is a willingness to put the time and effort into communicating and working on your sex life.  

More about this later in this article (see my articles: Is a Willingness to Have Sex Enough to Get Started - Part 1 and Part 2).

The Early Stage of a Relationship: Getting to Know Each Other

When you first start seeing someone new, you're getting to know all kinds of things about them, including what they want and don't want in a relationship, their beliefs and values, what kinds of activities they enjoy and so on.  

The Early Stage of a Relationship: Getting to Know Each Other

Over time, if you enjoy each other's company and you spend time together, you'll probably  discover you both like certain things and not other things. 

For instance, you might both share a passion for hiking, but you also love going to the gym a few times a week and they don't.  Or, you both love sushi, but they also like hamburgers and you don't.  

If you both really like each other and you want to see how the relationship develops, you wouldn't automatically rule each other out because of these differences.  You would probably try to find ways to make your similarities and differences work.  

Similarly, when it comes to sexual compatibility, you might not have swinging off the chandelier sex at the beginning of a relationship because you're getting to know each other and what each of you like (see my article: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Obviously, if one of you believes that sex is the life blood of your existence and the other finds everything about sex repugnant, things might not work out between you.  But if your views about sex are similar enough, you can work out the differences because sexual compatibility can develop and evolve over time.

For instance, a common problem that couples talk about in sex therapy relates to sexual frequency.  A lot of people assume that if you and your partner have differences in how often you want sex, this means you're sexually incompatible and the relationship is doomed.  

But it's normal and common for two people in a relationship to have differences in how often they want sex.  

You wouldn't think it was unusual if you love to go dancing two or three times a week but your partner only likes to go once a week.  If everything else about the relationship is good, you would probably find a way to compromise.  

Similarly, a shift in your attitude can make a big difference when it comes to sexual frequency.  Instead of focusing on quantity, focus on quality.  

If you like having sex 2-3 times per week, but your partner prefers once a week, you could take care of your sexual needs by pleasuring yourself because, ultimately, you're responsible for your own sexual needs (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal

Another common difference between people is how easily they become sexually aroused.  Some people, including many men and some women, experience spontaneous sexual arousal. 

Other people, including many women and some men, experience responsive sexual arousal (see my article: (see my article: Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

Spontaneous arousal is what is frequently portrayed in movies and in mainstream pornography: Two people look at each other with desire and they immediately tear each other's clothes off because they can't wait to have sex.

Even though spontaneous arousal is portrayed as being better, in real life sexual arousal isn't always spontaneous at all.  

In addition, neither spontaneous nor responsive sexual arousal is better or worse.  It's just different.  And both types of arousal are common and normal.

Depending upon the couple, to overcome a difference in how each person experiences sexual arousal, it's often a matter of the person who experiences spontaneous arousal slowing down until their partner, whose arousal is responsive, gets caught up.  

Rather than this being a chore for the person with spontaneous arousal, slowing down allows them to savor pleasure so this can be a sexual turn on if they're able to enjoy the sexual anticipation (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

Getting to Know Each Other's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Everyone is wired differently when it comes to sex and that's normal.

Sex educator and author, Dr. Emily Nagoski, discusses the idea of sexual accelerators and brakes in her book, Come As You Are, when she writes about the Dual Control Model of human sexual response.

Getting to Know Each Other's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

The Dual Control Model, which is a theoretical model, was originally developed by Dr. John Bancroft and Dr. Erick Janssen of the Kinsey Institute in the late 1990s.  Briefly: This model says that sexual response in individuals is a balance between sexual excitement and sexual inhibition.

To simplify the concept of the Dual Control Model and make it understandable to the general public, Dr. Nagoski refers to sexual excitement (turn-ons) as sexual accelerators and sexual inhibitors (turn-offs) as brakes, similar to an accelerator and brake in a car (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

Just like you're getting to know each other in other ways, you're also getting to know each other sexually.  And part of getting to know each other sexually is getting to know each of your turn-ons (accelerators) and your turn-offs (brakes) over time (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

Some people's sexual accelerators are more sensitive than their brakes.  For those people, getting turned on is relatively easy, and their turn-offs don't usually get in the way much.  

Other people have sexual brakes (inhibitions) that are more sensitive.  In order for them to get turned on, they need to deactivate (lower) their inhibitions before they can get turned on.  

If you're someone whose sexual accelerators are more sensitive than your brakes but you're in a relationship with someone whose brakes are more sensitive, there's nothing wrong with this.  In fact, it's common and normal.  It just means that the two of you will need to find a way to make it work for both of you (I'll give an example of this below).

As you get to know each other, you'll also discover sexual differences in terms of turn-ons and turn-offs. For instance, you might enjoy sex when you're really stressed out.  Maybe stress helps you to feel energized to have sex.  Not only does it make you feel closer to your partner, but sex is what you need to relieve stress.  So, stress is a sexual accelerator for you.  

But for your partner, stress is a brake.  They can't relax enough to have sex if they're under a lot of stress.  Stress really gets in the way for them.

So, you can find a compromise.  Maybe when you feel energized by stress and you're eager to have sex, you slow down a bit to help your stressed out partner by giving them a massage to help them relax.  The physical touch can be sexually invigorating for you and calming for your partner.  Then, when your partner is relaxed enough to have sex, you can both enjoy it.

According to Dr. Nagoski, for most people to become sexually aroused, it's a matter of deactivating the brake and activating the accelerator.  

A Willingness to Have Sex and Work on the Differences is Often Enough to Improve Sexual Compatibility

As I mentioned earlier, a willingness to have sex is often enough to get people started.  

This often means that one or both people aren't necessarily turned on when they start having sex, but they know they will become turned on once they get into it.

A willingness to have sex and to be open to novelty can go a long way to improving sexual compatibility.

Clinical Vignettes: Sexual Compatibility in a Relationship Can Develop and Evolve Over Time

The following vignettes are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Gina: When Tom and Gina first met, they clicked right away.  Their first conversation started at a mutual friend's party and continued over drinks later that night.  They had a mutual attraction, and they discovered they had a lot in common in terms of their interests, family background and values.  

Two weeks later, Gina asked Tom to come over one night for drinks.  As they kissed and cuddled on the couch, she invited him to spend the night.  They had both been anticipating and looking forward to this night.  But things didn't go as smoothly as they had anticipated. 

Spontaneous vs Responsive Sexual Arousal

Whereas Tom got so turned on immediately (spontaneous arousal) that he wanted to have penetrative sex immediately, Gina wasn't ready to have intercourse right away. She told him that she needed kiss more and be caressed to get sexually turned on (responsive arousal).  

So, Tom slowed down and kissed and caressed Gina in ways that were pleasurable to both of them.  He also learned from her that she didn't enjoy penetrative sex as much if she didn't have oral sex first (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2). 

So, he learned. how to please Gina so they could both enjoy sex (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

Alice and Jane: Jane and Alice had strong sexual chemistry from the start.  They both enjoyed sex together, but whereas Jane especially loved to have sex when she was stressed out, Alice needed to feel relaxed before she could enjoy sex.  In other words, stress was a sexual accelerator for Jane, but it was a brake for Alice.  

Getting to Know Each Other's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

So, over time, Jane learned to slow down to help Alice to relax before they had sex.  

Over time, Jane and Alice learned how to create an environment to enhance sexual pleasure for both of them.  Jane knew that Alice liked to listen to smooth jazz to help her relax and get into the mood for sex, so she made an effort to set up the music before they went to bed.  

Alice knew that Jane liked to watch feminist pornography (also known as ethical porn) to get her turned on, so Alice had certain videos on hand that turned them both on.  They also both liked to give and get massages.  For Jane, it was sexually stimulating and for Alice, it was relaxing.  

Bruce and Ed: When Bruce and Ed first met, they were both very passionate about having sex.  They had sex frequently, including long weekends in bed.  But several months into their relationship, they weren't as passionate with one another.  Some of that new relationship energy had decreased over time and they were having less sex--although Ed usually wanted to have sex more often than Bruce (sexual desire discrepancy).  

Sexual Compatibility Can Evolve Over Time

Sometimes Bruce was willing to start having sex with Ed because he knew he would eventually get turned on (responsive arousal and a willingness to have sex).  But there were times when Bruce wanted to have sex once a week when Ed wanted to have sex 3-4 times a week.  

At first, they argued about it because Ed felt rejected whenever Bruce didn't want to have sex as frequently.  Eventually they worked out an agreement where Ed would masturbate to pornography during those times when Bruce didn't want to have sex. 

This worked out for both of them for a while, but two years into the relationship, Ed wasn't satisfied with this.  As a result, they agreed to have a consensual nonmonogamous relationship (also known as an ethical nonmonogamy).  

They worked out a detailed written agreement until they were both comfortable with it.  Essentially, their agreement indicated that they were primary partners to each other, but they could have sexual affairs with other people as long as they each knew about who they were sleeping with.  The agreement also indicated that these affairs would be strictly sexual and not emotional, and they would be short affairs.  Over time, they revised their agreement to meet each other's needs.

Conclusion

Sexual compatibility can develop and evolve over time.  

Contrary to popular opinion, sexual compatibility doesn't just happen automatically.  Sometimes the newness of the relationship brings sexual passion and excitement. 

But sometimes it takes a couple a while to get in synch with each other at the beginning of a new relationship because each person needs to get to know the other in terms of sexual arousal (spontaneous or responsive arousal) and turn-ons and turn-offs (accelerators and brakes) and find a way to compromise.

A willingness to have sex is often enough for both people to get aroused and enjoy sex.  

Sexual compatibility also changes over time.  Once the new relationship energy subsides, a couple might need to find other ways to enhance their sex life.

The most important takeaway is that a couple who experiences sexual desire discrepancy--whether it's at the beginning of their relationship or later on--can learn to work out these issues.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many couples experience sexual desire discrepancy as an overwhelming problem, especially if this problem is longstanding and resentment has built up over time.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Working with a skilled sex therapist can help a couple to find new ways to overcome desire discrepancy so that they both enjoy a fulfilling sex life together (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Psychotherapists Learn to Get Comfortable Talking About Sex

Considering how common sexual problems are for individuals and people in relationships, it's surprising that most postgraduate psychotherapy training programs don't even offer one course about sex (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Psychotherapists Learn to Get Comfortable Talking About Sex?

Even the more progressive programs might offer only one elective course that isn't nearly enough to deal with all the sexual issues that clients deal with on a daily basis, including (but not limited to):

• sexual desire discrepancy 
• difficulty talking about sex in a relationship
  
• sexual arousal issues
• an orgasm gap in a relationship
  
• arousal nonconcordance
• guilt and shame about sex and sexual fantasies
• the paradox of love and sexual desire
  
• sexual fluidity
• ethical nonmonogamy (also called consensual nonmonogamy)
• negative body image

And so on.

Even many couples therapists aren't trained to deal with sex-related problems, which is even more surprising.  Many believe that if they help couples to be more emotionally intimate, this will automatically resolve their sexual problems, but very often it doesn't.

Worse still, clients usually sense when their therapists are uncomfortable about certain topics, especially sex, and they avoid talking about it--to their detriment.

Unfortunately, this can reinforce the idea that sex is a taboo, shameful topic to discuss--even in therapy.  This confirms the messages clients often get throughout their life--in their families, culture, religion and in society in general (see my article: What Does Sex Positive Mean?).

Clients can go through an extended period of time in therapy without the topic of sex ever coming up.  This is usually because both the therapist and the client avoid bringing it up--sometimes consciously and often unconsciously.

In addition, since sex isn't a topic covered in most postgraduate psychotherapy training programs, psychotherapists often don't know about their own blindspots, prejudices, countertransference and possible unresolved sexual trauma.

What Can Psychotherapists Do to Get Comfortable Talking About Sex?

As previously mentioned, when you avoid talking about sex, this can increase a client's shame and guilt about their sexual issues, which is not what most therapists want to do.  

So, what can therapists do who aren't sufficiently trained or comfortable to talk about sex with their clients?

• Get Professional Training: There are sex therapy postgraduate training programs that provide sex therapy certificates for licensed psychotherapists.  If you don't want to get certified in sex therapy, institutes like the Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy (ICP) in New York City or the Modern Sex Therapy Institutes offer continuing education courses you can take on specific topics, including basic principles and practices of sex therapy, problems with sexual discrepancy issues in relationships, sexual arousal issues, countertransferential issues, and so on.  Many of these courses are online and they are taught by recognized sex therapy experts in the field.  

• Get Clinical Supervision From a Certified Sex Therapist: If you know you lack training, seek supervision from a skilled sex therapist who can provide you with clinical guidance.  

• Keep Up With the Sex Therapy Literature: There are excellent books available that you can read to educate yourself. The following is a list of some of the many books which are available:

• Come as Your Are By Dr. Emily Nagoski
• So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex by Dr. Ian Kerner
• Transforming Sexual Narratives by Dr. Suzanne Iasenza
• Mating in Captivity by Dr. Esther Perel
• Tell Me What You Want by Dr. Justin Lehmiller
• The Erotic Mind by Dr. Jack Morin
• Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz
• Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Dr. Lori Brotto
• The Leather Couch - Clinical Issues With Kinky Clients by Stefani Goerlich, LMSW
• Becoming a Kink Aware Therapist by Caroline Shabaz, MA and Peter Chirinos, MA
• Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern, MS
• Open Monogamy by Dr. Tammy Nelson

• Listen to Podcasts: There are excellent podcasts available for free on many contemporary sex issues, including:

• Sex and Psychology with Dr. Justin Lehmiller (he also writes a blog)
• Foreplay Radio with Dr. Laurie Watson and George Faller, LMFT
• Sexology with Dr. Nazanin Moali
• Sluts and Scholars with Nicoletta Heidegger, LMFT
• Sex With Emily with Dr. Emily Morse
• Sex With Dr. Jess with Dr. Jess O'Reilly

• Know Your Blindspots and Seek Help in Your Own Sex Therapy: Without a doubt, therapists can't be experts on every topic, but it's important to know your own blindspots that could get in the way of helping your clients, and to seek help for yourself if necessary:

• Do you have your own sexual issues or problems in your relationship that you're still struggling with that require professional help? 

• Were you raised in a traditional family where sex was considered sinful so that you struggle now with sexual issues?

• Are there particular sexual issues that make you cringe which could add to a client's guilt or shame?

• Work Within the Scope of Your Expertise and Know When to Refer Out: As previously mentioned, there are so many issues in contemporary psychotherapy that clients bring into treatment so that no therapist can be an expert in everything.  Without even realizing it, many therapists provide clients with the wrong information that doesn't work for them. This will leave clients feeling like they have failed or, worse still, that their situation is hopeless. So, if you know you're not professionally trained or personally equipped to talk about certain sexual topics, know when to refer out to a skilled sex therapist.  You'll be helping your client and yourself.  Also, most sex therapists are willing to do adjunctive therapy with your client where you can remain the primary therapist for other issues and you and the sex therapist can collaborate if this is agreeable to your client and to you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

 

Bisexuality and Biphobia

Biphobia is a pervasive problem within the heterosexual world as well as in the LGBTQ world.

What is Bisexuality?

Before defining biphobia, it's important to define bisexuality, which is a broad and inclusive term that can include physical attraction, romantic or sexual attraction that is not limited to one sex.

With regard to sexual orientation, bisexuality includes both heterosexual (different sex) and homosexual (same sex) attraction or behavior.  

The Bisexual Pride Flag was created by Bisexual Activist Michael Page in 1998

As most people know, homophobia is a dislike or prejudice against gay people.  

Similarly, biphobia is a prejudice or dislike of people who are bisexual.  

Depending upon how a bisexual person defines themselves, this could include:

• An attraction to men and women
• An attraction to the same and different genders
• Love beyond gender
• An attraction regardless of sex or gender

Similar to any sexual orientation, there are many ways to be bisexual and each person who identifies as bisexual will identify in the way that feels right for them.

The following are examples of just some of the many ways that bisexual people identify themselves and they are all valid:

• Carol:  For the first 25 years of her life, Carol identified as heterosexual and she dated men.  When she turned 25, she joined a women's support group where there were heterosexual women, lesbians and bisexual women.  After socializing with these women over time, Carol realized that she felt attracted to a few of the lesbian and bisexual women in the group.  She realized she had attractions for both men and women, and she began to identify herself as bisexual.  Over time, she felt comfortable dating and having sex with both men and women.

• Jane: From a young age, Jane knew she was attracted to both men and women.  She thought of herself as bisexual, but she only dated men throughout high school because she didn't know of any other bisexual women in her small town. But when she went away to college, she met lesbian and bisexual women and she dated them as well as men she was attracted to at the college.  After she graduated from college, she moved back to her town where there were no lesbian or bisexual women that Jane knew of and so she resumed dating men.  But she continued to identify herself as bisexual because she was aware that she was still attracted to women (as well as men) and if she ever had the opportunity to date women again, she would.

• John: Throughout high school, John maintained a four year relationship with a woman at his school.  After they graduated, they both went to different colleges and they planned to continue in a long distance relationship.  But when John went to college, he met a few gay and bisexual men he was sexually attracted to, so he let her girlfriend know that he wanted to be free to date men, and they broke up.  Initially, John felt confused about his sexual and romantic attractions to men because he continued to be attracted to women.  But as he continued to date men, he felt more comfortable identifying himself as bisexual.  Occasionally, he still dated women at college, but he was mostly drawn to men.  He told his friends that, even though he discovered that he was more interested in men, he didn't want to negate the fact that he had genuinely loved his ex-girlfriend and he was still attracted to women.  

• Bill: From an early age, Bill was aware that he had crushes on both girls and boys.  He never told anyone about his crushes on boys because he was afraid he would be teased or ridiculed if he came out as bisexual.  But once he moved to New York City to live on his own, he had an opportunity to explore his bisexuality with cisgender men and women as well as trans women and men.  His attractions felt comfortable to him.  Sometimes, he wondered if he should identify as pansexual, but the bisexual identification felt truer to him.

As I mentioned above, these vignettes represent only some of the ways that people identify their bisexuality.  Each person identifies their bisexuality in a way that feels right for them.

What is Biphobia?

Biphobia is prejudice, fear or hatred directed at bisexual people and includes:

• Making jokes or comments based on old stereotypes that attempt to undermine the identification of a bisexual person, including:

• Telling someone that their bisexuality is "just a phase" that they'll overcome at some point.

• Telling someone they are "greedy" for wanting to be with more than one sex or gender

What is Bisexual Erasure?

Bisexual erasure is a manifestation of biphobia.  

Bisexual erasure, also known as bisexual invisibility, is a form of prejudice where the legitimacy of bisexuality is questioned or denied.

As previously mentioned, this includes telling a bisexual person that they're just "going through a phase" or that they are "just experimenting" and eventually they will be either gay or heterosexual.

Another example of bisexual erasure is when someone accuses a bisexual person of not wanting to admit they are gay.  So, in other words the person's bisexuality is not seen as being legitimate.

Another way of questioning or denying a person's bisexuality is to say that the person is "just confused."

Some people also deny a person's bisexual identity if that person has only had relationships with different sex or gender.  This is bisexual erasure because it doesn't matter if the person who identifies as bisexual has gone out with or had sex with same sex people. 

There is no "test" or need for proof to determine whether someone is bisexual. Someone can identify as bisexual even if they never act on it and it's up to them to say how they identify.

Another example of bisexual erasure is when people say, "Everyone is bisexual" (or some people say, "All women are bisexual").   But this is not true because everyone, including women, don't all identify as bisexual.  Saying that everyone is bisexual makes people who actually identify as bisexual invisible.

What is Internalized Biphobia?

Internalized biphobia occurs when bisexual people internalize the harmful and untrue things people have told them which, in addition to the prejudiced comments mentioned above, include:

• Bisexuality is not real.
• Bisexuals are cheaters.
• Bisexuals can't possibly be in successful monogamous relationships.
• Bisexuals are just attention seeking.

Resources For Bisexual People

Because there is so much biphobia, it's important for people who identify as bisexual to find community among other bisexual individuals:

The LGBTQ Center in New York City is a resource for the LGBTQ community which provides support groups, mental health services, meetings, social events and more.

    Located at

    208 West 13th Street, New York, NY 10011

    Telephone Number: (212) 620-7310

Identity House in New York City is located in the LGBT Center: 208 West 13 Street (see above).  Their services include peer counseling and come out groups.

The Bisexual Resource Center provides information and support online as well as in person Meetup groups in the Boston area.

Also see my article: The Fetishization of Lesbian and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

Relationships: Being Dishonest About the Financial Aspects of Your Relationship

In general, money is a big issue in many relationships.  For many couples personal finances are a point of contention when they either don't agree about financial issues or one or both of them is lying or keeping secrets about money.  In addition, money is often symbolic of power and it can become part of a power struggle in a relationship (see my article: Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married or Enter Into a Committed Relationship).

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

A January 2022 survey by US News & World Report revealed that as many as one in three couples in the US are dealing with financial infidelity.  Other surveys indicate that it's a growing problem in relationships. 

Of the couples who were dealing with financial infidelity, 76% said it had a negative impact on their relationship and 10% indicated that it led to a divorce (see my articles: Talk to Your Spouse About Money and Are You Arguing About Money in Your Relationship?).

What is Financial Infidelity?

Since it's such a big problem, let's start by defining what financial infidelity means:  Financial infidelity occurs when one or both partners in a relationship, who have some form of combined income, engage in financial behavior they know their partners would disapprove of and they lie or keep it a secret (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Financial infidelity includes, but is not limited to the following activities:

• Hiding debts, including credit card debt, loans, gambling debts and so on
• Hiding purchases of big gifts for friends, relatives, extramarital affairs or others
• Making other big purchases without letting a partner know
• Lying about how money was spent
• Lending large sums of money to friends, relatives or others without letting a partner know (see my article: Are Your Relatives Financial Problems Affecting Your Relationship?)
• Engaging in secret shopping
• Overspending as a maladaptive way to cope with emotional issues and keeping it a secret (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Cope With Discomfort).
• Gambling in secret (casinos, card games, lottery tickets, etc)
• Keeping secret bank, credit card or payment accounts 
• Engaging in secret discretionary purchases (vacations, spas, clothing, jewelry and other expenses)

Why Do People Engage in Financial Infidelity?

Talking about money can feel uncomfortable or shameful.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

In addition, many people who enter into a relationship where they are combining income (or a certain portion of income) never talk about money beforehand.  

There are many reasons why people engage in financial infidelity, including:

• An Attempt to Maintain Autonomy:  Many people use money, consciously or unconsciously, as an attempt to maintain a sense of autonomy and reassert power in a  relationship.  They might not have learned how to be part of a couple and also be an individual at the same time so committing financial infidelity gives them a sense of independence (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• An Attempt to Avoid a Confrontation: This is the most common reason for financial infidelity. It often occurs because people don't know how to talk about these issues or they fear confrontation in general (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Avoidance).

• A Sense of Shame About Money: Many people grew up in households or in cultures where talking about money is considered shameful.  There might also have been secrets and lies about money (see my article: Toxic Family Secrets).  Many others feel so ashamed of their debt or expenses that they don't want their partners to find out about it.  If they are hiding debt, they might rationalize to themselves that they will repay the money before their partners find out about it (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

Signs of Financial Infidelity

• Unexplained large withdrawals from joint accounts
• The discovery of a secret bank or credit card account
• The discovery of a secret payment account, like Venmo or Paypal
• Larger than normal cash withdrawals
• Checks made out to cash
• Other unexplained expenditures

Vignettes 

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed, are common examples of financial infidelity that bring people into couples therapy:

Patty and Ed:

Six months after they got married, Patty found out that Ed was over his head in credit card debt when they were exploring the possibility of getting a mortgage and Patty obtained credit reports.  The credit reports revealed Ed's $20,000 debt, which he had never disclosed to Patty before they got married--even though they had attended pre-marital counseling which included discussions about personal finances.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

She wondered if there were other things he was hiding from her.  Ed said he knew she would discover the debt at some point, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her because he felt so ashamed of it.  Patty felt so betrayed that she asked Ed to move out while she thought about whether she wanted to remain in their marriage.  A week later, Patty agreed to allow Ed to move back in but only on the condition they attend couples therapy to deal with this breach of trust.  In their couples therapy sessions, Ed realized he tended to overspend as a way to boost his low sense of self worth.  Since they got married, he stopped overspending, but he was still struggling with low self confidence.  Over time, as they worked on their issues in couples therapy, Patty forgave Ed for not disclosing his debt before they got married.  They worked on the underlying issues in couples therapy as well as rebuilding trust.  Ed also started individual therapy to deal with low self esteem.  In addition, they sought help from a financial advisor so they could get their finances in order.

Alice and Bill: 

Alice and Bill were married for five years.  When they first got married, they decided to keep whatever money they had before the marriage separate and open a joint bank account for saving and big purchases.  Other than that, they didn't have a discussion about money before they got married.  One day when Alice was going through the mail, she inadvertently opened a letter addressed to Bill from a debt collection agency and she was shocked to read that Bill had a $5,000 debt which he never revealed to her.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

Later that night, Alice and Bill got into an argument about the debt.  At first, Bill was angry that Alice opened his mail--even though he knew it was a mistake.  By the next day, he admitted he had other financial accounts he never revealed to Alice because having these accounts gave him a sense of independence.  Soon after that, Alice and Bill entered into couples therapy to talk about the underlying issues in their relationship that led to this financial infidelity and they were able to work through these issues.  They also sought help from a financial advisor.

Bob and Tom:

Two years after they got married, Bob discovered an email addressed to Tom from a payment account that revealed $2,000 was transferred from their joint checking account to an unknown vendor.  When Bob confronted Tom about this expense, at first, Tom said he had never authorized this expenditure and it was a mistake.  

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

But when Bob asked Tom to contact the bank in front of him about this error, Tom balked.  Then, he admitted he was trying to hide that he was using a male escort service.  He thought he could replace the money before Bob noticed it was missing from their account.  He also knew Bob didn't check their accounts regularly.  When he heard Tom's explanation, Bob couldn't understand this because they had a consensual nonmonogamous relationship.  Their agreement was they could have sex with other people as long as they each knew about the other's sex partners and they didn't form emotional ties with these other individuals. They were both aware of the other people they each had sexual relationships with and it had never been a problem before.  Tom admitted that, in addition to the individuals he met up with at bars, which Bob knew about, he also had secret visits to see sex workers because it excited him to have this secret. Over time, he felt guilty about it, but then he felt too ashamed to tell Bob about it.  He said he was working on this issue in his individual therapy, but it was still a problem for him.  Two week later, Bob and Tom entered into couples therapy to work on the breach in their consensual nonmonogamous agreement and the financial infidelity.

Jane and Lilly:

Three years after they moved in together and they combined their finances, Jane happened to see a text flash on Lilly's phone while Lilly was in the shower.  The text was from Lilly's younger sister, Nina.  Jane was shocked to see the text from Nina, which was pleading for more money.  Lilly had never revealed to Jane that she was lending Nina money.  So, when Lilly came into their bedroom after her shower, she was caught off guard when Jane confronted her about the text. 

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

After stonewalling for an hour, Lilly admitted she lent Nina $3,000 from Jane and Nina's joint account because Nina was heavily in debt. Lilly said she felt too uncomfortable to tell Jane about it.  She admitted she knew that Jane never looked at the bank statements and she hoped to replace the money before Jane found out.  Jane was outraged. She knew Lilly had a hard time setting boundaries with Nina, but she considered this breach of trust to be serious enough to insist they attend couples therapy to deal with it as well as other underlying issues that led to this problem.  Over time, their relationship improved while they were attending couples therapy, and Lilly learned to set limits with her sister.

How to Avoid Financial Infidelity

• Talk About Finances Before Getting Married or Entering Into a Committed Relationship Where You Will Be Combining Income:  The best way to avoid financial infidelity is to come clean about finances before you enter into a serious relationship.  Although it might feel uncomfortable at first, you will avoid problems later on (as shown in the vignettes above).

• Reveal All Finances to Your Partner: Whether you decide to combine all or part of your finances, reveal all aspects of your finances to your partner.  All accounts should be open and accessible and financial transactions should be transparent to both people.  In addition, have regular discussions about money.

• Seek Help in Therapy to Deal with the Underlying Emotional Issues: Whether you are hiding aspects of your finances or you are tempted to do so, deal with the underlying issues in individual or couples therapy.  Shame is a major underlying issue when it comes to money, which can be complicated by a family history of financial secrecy or discomfort with talking about money.  Fear of confrontation is also the most common issue with regard to financial infidelity.  It can be difficult to own up to this problem, but dealing it with early in your relationship can avoid bigger problems in the future (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to deal with the underlying issues that contribute to financial infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.