Overcoming the Fear of Falling In Love and Getting Hurt Again

I see many clients who have had their hearts broken in prior relationships and who fear falling in love and getting hurt again.

Overcoming the Fear of Falling in Love and Getting Hurt Again

An article that I read in the New York Times Modern Love section called:  "Fear of Surrendering Again: Ready In Case the Other Shoe Drops" by Julia Anne Miller is a good example of how people often fear getting hurt again in a new relationship (see link below).

Even when people really yearn to love and be loved again, an overwhelming fear of being retraumatized in a new relationship can keep them from getting involved with someone new.

The following fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many cases with no identifying information revealed, is an example of how someone can yearn to be in a relationship again but needs help to overcome the fear of getting hurt again:

Lee
When Lee first came to see me, she had been dating Bob, a man she met at a friend, Beth's wedding, for several months.  It had been several years since she had been in a serious relationship. She was in her early 40s, and after getting hurt in her marriage and a subsequent long term relationship, she was sure she was through with dating and relationships.

And then she met Bob.

Lee smiled to herself as she thought about Beth, even on her wedding day, orchestrating this meeting by placing Lee next to Bob at the singles' table.  Beth was forever trying to set up introductions for Lee to eligible men and Lee was forever rejecting Beth's efforts.  Now, at last, knowing that Lee was coming on her own to the wedding, Beth had a chance to use her match making skills.

Normally, Lee would be annoyed by Beth's efforts to match her up with a man, but not this time.

Lee wasn't sure what there was about Bob that made her want to reconsider remaining single.  Sure, he was good looking, intelligent, kind, funny and successful.  But there was something else.

When she looked in his eyes, she felt that she just might be able to trust him.  But what if she was wrong?

After her last breakup, which was particularly painful, she preferred to bury herself in her work during the week and see friends or stay home alone on the weekends.  She had resigned herself to remaining single for the rest of her life.  She considered getting a cat, but that was the extent of willingness to make another commitment to a living being.

After 10 years of marriage, her husband (now ex), who everyone agreed seemed like the most caring and trustworthy man alive, ended up leaving her for a woman he met at work.  Her last boyfriend, who also seemed sweet and kind, decided, after six years, he wanted to be free to date other women.  Lee felt she would never get over the pain of that breakup.

Having experienced such excruciating emotional pain in our prior relationships, how could she know if she could trust Bob?

Then, there was her father, who was in and out of the household, constantly cheating on Lee's mother and then coming back to ask for forgiveness whenever things didn't work out with his last girlfriend.  Although Lee understood that her mother was financially dependent upon the father, she still felt anger and resentment towards her mother for taking him back again and again.  She spent most of her childhood and adolescence hating her father, and she only reconciled with him after he was diagnosed with advanced cancer, just before he died--the ultimate abandonment.

We spent much of our early work together helping Lee to rebuild her sense of resilience.  She understood that there were no guarantees in relationships.  Her biggest fear was that if her relationship with Bob didn't work out, she would spiral down into a deep depression and she wouldn't be able to function.

Lee had witnessed her mother become incapacitated by depression after Lee's father left the household for the third time.  Lee bore the brunt of taking care of her three younger siblings.  She vowed to herself that she would never allow a man to make her feel so depressed.  Even in her darkest moments after her marriage, as devastated as she felt, she was still able to go to work, take care of her apartment and function in life.

But after her last relationship, she wasn't sure she could bounce back again from another disappointment if Bob hurt her.

On the one hand, when she became especially fearful, she was tempted at times to call it off with Bob.  On the other hand, most of the time, she knew she wanted to be with him and see where their relationship would go.

We also worked on helping Lee heal from her prior childhood trauma as well as the losses she experienced in her marriage and last relationship.  This was hard work for Lee, but it enabled her to experience her relationship with Bob as separate from those other disappointments, so she could experience it as new and not as being part of a string of disappointments.

Lee also learned to trust her judgment again.  Over time, she was able to open up more with Bob and allow their relationship to grow without feeling the oppressive fear she felt before.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are so many people who close themselves off to the possibility of falling in love again because they fear they'll get hurt.  Even though they might be lonely, their fear overwhelms any possibility of finding happiness with someone new.

If you're someone who would like to have someone special in your life, but you're overwhelmed by fear based on your experiences from the past, you owe it to yourself to get help.

A skilled mental health professional can help you heal from your losses and develop a greater sense of resilience and self confidence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Modern Love: Fear of Surrendering Again: Ready In Case the Other Shoe Drops

Psychotherapists Need to Stop Labeling and Stigmatizing the So-Called "Help Rejecting" Client and Be More Creative Instead

One of the most unhelpful labels that a therapist can pin on a client is the so-called "help rejecting client" or, worse still, "the help rejecting complainer."

Stop Labeling and Stigmatizing the So-Called "Help Rejecting" Client

No matter how a therapist tries to qualify these labels by saying that he or she understands that the client isn't intentionally rejecting the therapist's recommendations or that the client is responding this way out of fear, there's no way around it, these labels are pejorative and damaging to the therapeutic work.  And I can't help feeling that using these labels is a way of blaming the client, making him "wrong" and making the therapist "right."

Generally speaking, clients who are referred to as "help rejecting" are often seen as finding reasons why interventions the therapist attempts in treatment won't work or responding to the therapist's treatment recommendations with, "Yes, but..."

No doubt, when this happens, it's frustrating for the therapist and the client.

Reconceptualizing the So-Called "Help Rejecting Client"
I think it's time that mental health professionals reconceptualize these outmoded labels and begin to "think outside the box."

Better yet, I think we should "retire" the terms "help rejecting client" and "help rejecting complainer" in much the same way we retire certain baseball uniform numbers.  Let's agree to stop using these labels.

I'm not saying that therapists are actually calling clients "help rejecting" to their faces.  It's more of a term used in psychotherapy literature, although I've also seen it written about in certain therapy blogs for the lay public.

Many people might disagree with me, but I think that even if a therapist never utters the words "He's a help rejecting client,"just thinking about the client in this way has the potential to sabotage the therapy.  After all, if the client is "help rejecting" and the therapist's job is to help, what's left to do?

The Client's Fear and Ambivalence
There are clients who are ambivalent about treatment and about making changes.

If you've lived your entire life relating in a certain way and engaging in certain behavior, even if behaving in these ways has caused a lot of emotional pain, it's scary to venture into unknown territory to change.

If a client is afraid to make a change, it's up to the therapist to help the client to feel safe.  The old maxim of "starting where the client is" comes to mind.

This could mean that the therapist might need to get out of his or her "comfort zone" to try something different.  It could mean working in a different way from how he or she would.  This is why it's important to have many different ways of working because therapy can't be a one-size-fits-all endeavor.

It could also mean seeking a consultation with a more seasoned therapist.

In some cases, the therapy might take longer than the therapist and client anticipated.  At times, it might be frustrating for both the therapist and the client.  But the therapist can't go any faster than the client is willing to go.

Engaging the Motivated Part of the Client That Wants Help
Most people understand that, as human beings, we're complex.  Even when we say we want to change, there's often a part of us that doesn't want to change at all.

It's up to the therapist to understand the part of the client that fears change and to engage the part of the client that came in wanting help.

At the start of therapy, the more dominant aspect of the client might be rejecting what the therapist has to offer.  But, usually, underneath the fear and ambivalence there's an aspect of the client that wants to change but doesn't know how.

After all, if a client spends the time and money to come to therapy every week, there must be some aspect of him or herself that wants to change or s/he wouldn't be there.

Therapists Need to Be Creative
Gone are the days when the therapist can take a "neutral stance" with the client.  Good riddance to the days when the therapist sat back and just said, "Uh huh," retraumatizing the client as he poured out his problems!

Therapists need to learn to be creative in their work to help the work come alive.  They need to be a presence in the therapy room rather than being neutral.

Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing
There are many creative ways to overcome therapeutic impasses with clients who are ambivalent and/or fearful about change.

I often find clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to very useful in helping clients to soothe the part of themselves that fears change and connect with the aspect of themselves that wants to change.

Talking about these aspects of self without helping clients to connect to where they're feeling these emotions in the body is very limited.  Talking about it often becomes an intellectual exercise that doesn't lead to actual change.

Helping the client to have a "felt sense" of these conflicting aspects of him or herself makes the therapy come alive in a way that regular talk therapy often doesn't.

Helping Clients to Use Their Imagination
Helping the client to use his or her imagination in an embodied way can open the door for the client to have a "felt sense" of internal and external resources to invoke.

Over time, clients can learn to use these resources to have a corrective emotional experience that wasn't available to them before.  At that point, the client has access to more of him or herself to do the work to make changes.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming the Insecurities That Are Ruining Your Relationship

I've seen many clients in my psychotherapy office in New York City, both individuals and couples, where personal insecurities were having a negative effect on their relationship.  Often, this takes the form of one or both people needing constant reassurance that they are loved by their partner.

When Needing Constant Reassurance in Your Relationship Becomes a Negative Habit
Needing constant reassurance about your relationship can become a negative habit.  This dynamic can ruin a relationship fast.  It can be exhausting, especially when the person doing the reassuring realizes that no amount of reassurance will alleviate his or her partner's insecurities.

Overcoming the Insecurities That Are Ruining Your Relationship

The following fictionalized vignette is an example of where one person's insecurities in a relationship can have a negative impact:

Jane and Bob:
After Jane and Bob were dating for three months, they realized that they had fallen in love and decided to become exclusive with each other.

As soon as Jane realized that she was in love with Bob, she started feeling insecure:  Did he really love her or was he just telling her this?  Would he meet another woman at work, where there were so many attractive women, and leave her?

When they were together, Jane was vigilant as to whether Bob was looking at other women.  If she thought she saw him looking at another woman, she would panic and ask him for assurances that he loved her.  At first, Bob was flattered and reassured Jane.

But when it kept happening nearly every time that they went out, he began to feel irritated and he told her she had nothing to worry about, and it was annoying for him to feel pressured to constantly reassure her.  This only made Jane feel worse.

Jane's insecurities got worse over time.  If Bob didn't call her back immediately, she wondered if he was with someone else.  When she mentioned this to Bob, he got angry.  He asked her if he had given her any reason to think this.

When Jane calmed down, she knew, in reality, that Bob wouldn't cheat on her.  But once doubt crept into her mind, she had a hard time containing her worries and keeping it to herself. She felt compelled to ask him about it.

After a while, Bob got frustrated and told Jane that she should go to therapy to deal with this.  Jane knew that Bob was right--she was having a problem and if she didn't overcome these insecurities, their relationship wouldn't last.  So, she sought the help of a licensed mental health professional.

During her therapy, Jane realized that a lot of her insecurities stemmed from feelings of abandonment from childhood.  Jane's mother was in and out of her life from the time Jane was born.  So, Jane needed to work through this early loss and her fears of abandonment so she wouldn't displace her fears on Bob.

Jane also developed better coping skills in therapy.  As she was working on her earlier trauma, she learned how to contain her fears and insecurities so she no longer blurted them out to Bob.  Soon, they were getting along much better and talking about moving in together.

Getting Help in Therapy
Assuming that your romantic partner doesn't give you any objective reasons to feel insecure about your relationship, your insecurities might be linked to unresolved childhood issues.  It's hard to see this on your own because your fears and insecurities often feel so real in the current situation, even though they're really part of an earlier trauma.

You could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can assist you to work through your fears and insecurities.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Allure of the Extramarital Affair

For many people who are unhappy or having problems in their marriage, the possibility of an extramarital affair is very tempting.  In many cases, it's a way of distracting themselves and finding a new and exciting sex partner to take their minds off their marital problems.

The Allure of the Extramarital Affair

An extramarital affair can be alluring.  But, ultimately, extramarital affairs often lead to even more problems and heartbreak.  Rather than trying to escape the problems in the relationship, it would be better to either try to work out the marital problems or, if the problems are irreconcilable, to end the marriage in a way that respects both you and your spouse and the love you once felt for each other.

Unfortunately, lots of people, who are unhappy in their marriage, find the possibility of an affair to be too irresistible and find out after it's too late just what a mistake it was to get involved with someone else.


The following fictionalized scenario is an example of how the allure of an extramarital affair created even worse problems:

Ted:
Ted and his wife, Mary, were married for 20 years when he met Betty at a conference.  Ted never had an extramarital affair in all  the years that he and Mary were married.  But, at the point when he met Betty, he and Mary had been having problems in their marriage for several years.

They were arguing about money and what they should do after they retired.  Mary tended to be a saver, and Ted was more of a spender.  Mary wanted to move out of state after she and Ted retired to be closer to her elderly mother, and Ted wanted to remain in NY.

Ted hated any kind of confrontation, so that whenever Mary tried to discuss these issues with Ted, he would get annoyed.  As their arguments got worse, Ted began spending more and more time at work so that by the time he got home, Mary was asleep.  He also went to the office on weekends to avoid the arguments.  So, they spent little time together, which only annoyed Mary more.

The tension between Ted and Mary had also taken a toll on their sex life.  Even when they were together at home, neither of them was in the mood to have sex.  There was too much anger and resentment between them.

Prior to their problems, Ted preferred not to go to conferences, but when his boss told him that there was a conference in L.A. and he offered to send Ted, Ted jumped at the opportunity.  On the last evening of the conference, Ted had too much to drink during the hotel happy hour. Normally, Ted wasn't a big drinker, so he didn't have a high tolerance of alcohol. That's when he met Betty.

Ted wasn't so drunk that he didn't know what he was doing.  He realized that Betty, who worked at his company in another department, was flirting with him.  He told himself that it was harmless to flirt back with her, and he told himself it wouldn't go any further.

When she invited him to her room, he told himself that he would only stay for a few minutes and then he would go back to his own room.  And so he continued to in this way, bargaining with himself that he would only kiss her and he wouldn't go any further.  But the temptation was just too great when she got undressed.  So, this is how the affair began.

When he returned to NY, he told himself that he would meet Betty for a drink and tell her that what happened in L.A. couldn't continue.  He felt guilty about cheating on his wife, but he blamed the alcohol.

Six months into the affair, Ted was still bargaining with himself--he would only see Betty one more time and then he would break it off.  But he continued to see her.  Seeing her made him feel special and the sex was the most passionate it had ever been.  Betty knew he was married and, from what Ted could see, she didn't seem to mind.

One night he came home late, and found Mary waiting up for him.  When she asked him to sit down, he was surprised to see that she looked like she had been crying.  He feared that her mother or one of her elderly relatives had died.  But after he sat down, Mary got straight to the point, "I got a call from a woman named Betty.  Is it true?"

Ted felt the blood drain from his face and he felt a mixture of shock, sadness and anger towards Betty.  Ted and Mary had a long talk about their marriage and the affair.  Ted realized, for the first time in a long time, that he still really loved his wife a lot and he didn't want to lose her.  He begged her to forgive him and promised that he would end it with Betty and never cheat on Mary again.

Mary was very upset, but she told Ted that she didn't want to throw away their 20 year marriage.  She said she wanted them to try to salvage their marriage, and she suggested they attend marriage counseling.

Ted ended his affair with Betty and asked his boss for a transfer to a different site.  His boss told him that people in the department had been gossiping about Ted's affair with Betty, and he also thought it was best for Ted to move to another department.  Ted didn't realize that people at work knew about the affair, and he felt especially ashamed that his boss knew.

Betty was angry that Ted was ending the affair.  She had hoped by calling Mary, Mary would leave Ted and then Betty could have him to herself.  She didn't realize that Ted still loved his wife and wanted to salvage their marriage.  Betty made threats to call Mary again, but she didn't.  Eventually, she stopped calling and texting him.

Mary and Ted had a lot to work on in marriage counseling, including Mary regaining trust in Ted.  Ted also had to learn to develop the ability to deal with their problems instead of running away from them.  It was hard work, and there were times when each of them wanted to stop marriage counseling.  But they both knew that if there was any chance of working out their problems, they needed to stick with it, so they did.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse are having problems that you're unable to work out on your own, you could benefit from couples counseling.  Even if you have already decided that you want to end the relationship, a skilled couples counselor can help you to do it amicably.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Happy Family Doesn't Have to Be a Perfect Family

In my article yesterday, Happy Families: A Strong Family Narrative Can Build Resilience, I wrote about family narratives, based on an article by Bruce Feiler, and how these narratives can help build resilience and cohesiveness.  Today, I'm addressing the misperception that a "happy family" is problem free.

A Happy Family Doesn't Have to Be a Perfect Family

There's No Such Thing as a "Perfect Family"
Most people would agree that there's no such thing as a "perfect family" that is without its ups and downs and moments of crises.  But, as I mentioned yesterday, the idea that most families are dysfunctional is so prevalent in our culture that many people think that in order for a family to be considered happy and stable, there shouldn't be any problems.

A Happy Family Doesn't Have to Be a Perfect Family

That's like saying that in order for people to see themselves as having a happy life, they shouldn't have any sadness or any difficult times.  Once again, when we look at it this way, we can see the fallacy in this reasoning because we know it's impossible to live a long, full life without there being hard times.

Happy Families Often Share a Sense of Meaningfulness 
Part of the problem is with the word happiness.  What does it mean to be happy?  I believe, and I think many people might agree, that having a happy life doesn't mean being happy all of the time.   For me, in a nutshell, it means having a life that is meaningful, which includes having people that you care about and who care about you.


Similarly, there will be sadness, loss and crises in most families sooner or later.  There will also be struggles.   This is true for every family.  What matters is how a family responds to these losses, crises and struggles and how well they bounce back from these events.  An attitude of "we're in this together and together we'll get through it" helps families to weather the inevitable difficult times.

A Sense of Family History:  Standing on the Shoulders of Previous Generations
It's also helpful when a family has a sense of history that the current family members and previous generations have overcome difficult times together and have been resilient enough to bounce back.

It's like saying, "We stand on the shoulders of previous generations who made it through difficult times and  remained united."

In most families that consider themselves to be happy families, there are often shared values and traditions.  Of course, there isn't an absolute.  There are happy families where family members respect each other's right to have differing opinions.

I believe the most important aspect of a happy family is a loving, nurturing environment.  Once again, this doesn't mean perfection.  There can be times of discord and conflict.  But, usually, in families that consider themselves to be happy, even when there's conflict, there's a foundation of love and trust.

If there are periods of discord in the family, a happy family is more likely to allow for there to be a way to make amends rather than holding grudges.

When I see clients who describe themselves as coming from happy families, they often have a sense that whatever they're going through, ultimately, they will be all right.  They have a sense that, somehow, they'll get through their problems, even if they currently need the help of a therapist and supportive family and friends.  They usually have much more of a sense of hope about life than people who don't come from happy, stable families.

Having grown up in a family where there was a foundation of love and trust, often gives these individuals a sense that they are rooted in something much larger than themselves.

It's often a matter of perspective.  I once met a man at a dinner party who told me he came from a happy family and he considered himself to have had a great childhood.

Then, he proceeded to describe a childhood filled with many personal and family struggles.  It was very far from a carefree, easy childhood.  But he told me that he knew he was loved by his parents, siblings, and grandparents.  He also knew he came from a long line of survivors and strivers.

So, as far as he was concerned, he came from a happy family with meaningful family relationships, and he considered himself to be fortunate.

So, my point in yesterday's and today's blog posts is that, far from all families being dysfunctional, as I often hear people say, there are happy families, and we can learn a lot from these families about what makes for a happy, meaningful family life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Happy Families: A Strong Family Narrative Can Build Resilience

Many psychotherapy clients, who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City, assume that all families are dysfunctional.  But, the fact is that there are many families that are happy functional families.  In the Sunday, 3/17/13 New York Times, best selling author, Bruce Feiler, wrote in his article called The Stories That Bind Us that happy families often have a family narrative that is passed on from one generation to the next.

Happy Families: A Strong Family Narrative Can Build Resilience

According to Mr. Feiler, having a strong family narrative can help children to become more resilient.  He cites research from the time after 9/11 that found that children who were part of families that had a strong family narrative tended to bounce back faster than children that didn't.

What Do We Mean By "A Family Narrative"?
Family narratives, the stories about the family that are passed down from one generation to the next,  could be about how the children's grandparents or great grandparents came to this country, struggled to provide for their children, and overcame adversity to make a better life for the next generation.

Helping Children to Develop Resilience and  an "Intergenerational Self"
A family narrative helps children to feel rooted in the family history.  Mr. Feiler called this sense of rootedness an "intergenerational self."  If they know the history, including the many stories that go with that history, children often have a sense of belonging to a much larger extended family.

According to Mr. Feiler, when children hear stories about previous generations, especially where those family members overcame challenges, they often feel more hopeful that they too can overcome adversity.

Hearing about the "ups and downs" of prior generations leading up to the current generation often gives children a sense of resilience, especially if these stories are framed in the context that whatever might come in the future, "we'll face it together."

The Importance of Family Traditions
Family traditions that are passed on from one generation to the next often give children a sense of being part of something much larger than themselves.  Whether it's an Easter egg hunt or having the family come together for the Seder dinner, knowing that there were prior generations who honored the same traditions often helps children to feel that they have an important place in the family history.

I think that even taking out the family album from time to time and telling your children stories about previous generations in the photos can help children to understand the family history and how and why certain things occurred in the family, whether they were setbacks or gains or both.

If you haven't read it already, I encourage you to read the article, "The Stories That Bind Us" to learn some simple steps that you can take to help build cohesiveness in your family.  Many of the suggestions aren't new, but they are good reminders.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming "All or Nothing" Thinking

When you engage in all or nothing thinking, you're limiting your possibilities and, possibly, the possibilities of those around you.  Sometimes, referred to as "black and white" thinking, when you engage in all of nothing thinking, you leave out a lot of the "grey" area.  And, let's face it, most of life falls in that "grey" zone.

Overcoming "All or Nothing" Thinking

All or nothing thinking is known as a cognitive distortion because it represents a distortion in the way you think either about yourself, someone else or a situation.

Developing Awareness About How You Think and Approach Life
In order to make any changes, first, you need to be aware of your particular pattern of thinking.

How can you recognize if you're engaging in all or nothing thinking?

Here are some examples:
"Nothing ever goes right for me."
"I'm a total loser."
"I'm always wrong."
"What's the use of even trying?  Life is always so hard."
"You never listen to me."

How Does All or Nothing Thinking Affect You?
As I mentioned earlier, engaging in all or nothing thinking limits your options to either "yes" or "no" or "always" and "never."  While there are times in life when you're clear that your response is an absolute like "yes," "no," "always," or "never," if this is your pattern most of the time, then you're dealing with a cognitive distortion in your views.

The following vignette is a fictionalized scenario where a person engages in nothing thinking:

Ed:
Ed, who was in his late 20s, had low self confidence.  It was hard for him to try anything new because he had so many self doubts.  It took a lot for him to take risks, whether they were  risks in his personal life or in his career.  He had to work hard to push aside his negative thoughts about himself in order for him to make a move.

When he met Karen at a party, he really wanted to get to know her.  He hesitated to ask her for her telephone number because he assumed that she would reject him.  He thought: "She'd never be interested in me" and "I'm such a loser."  He had to really summon his courage to ask her for her telephone number so he could ask her out on a date.  Ed was shocked when Karen smiled and gave him her number.

A couple of days later, Ed began dialing Karen's number, but he kept hanging up before the phone rang.  His fear of rejection escalated as his negative thoughts almost got the best of him: "She probably gave me the number because she felt too uncomfortable to say no, but she'll never go out with me."

Once again, Ed pushed aside his negative thoughts and redialed.  When he got Karen's voicemail, he almost hung up but, despite his fear, he left a message.

When a day passed and Karen didn't call back, Ed berated himself, telling himself, "You see?  She's not interested.  You're a loser."

Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking

Then, Karen called Ed the following day, telling him that she was having problems with her phone and she just got his message.  She also told him that she would love to go out with him, which surprised and delighted Ed.

Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking

 
He felt good for a few minutes, and then his self doubt crept in again and he felt sure that Karen wasn't going to enjoy being with him.

Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking
If you recognize yourself as engaging in all or nothing thinking, you can practice trying to reframe situations for yourself.

For instance, in the vignette above, Ed was certain that Karen didn't call back on the same day because she wasn't interested in him.  He never considered other possibilities, including that there were problems with Karen's phone.

If you see yourself as having a similar pattern, you can begin by challenging yourself in every day situations by coming up with other possibilities.

At first, you might not believe that there could be any other possibilities, except for the negative thoughts you're having.  But just practice.  If nothing else, it will help you to develop a greater awareness of how often you engage in all or nothing thinking.

In the above vignette, even if Karen didn't return Ed's phone call, there could be lots of other reasons:  Maybe she was sick.  Maybe she liked Ed, but she was too shy to call him back.  And so on.

Often, it's easier to see other people's distorted thinking.  If you happen to notice other people engaging in all or nothing thinking, you could challenge their assumptions in your own mind and come up with different options.

Getting Help in Therapy
Often, people who are depressed or anxious engage in all or nothing thinking, feeling they have few options.  

If you think you're anxious or depressed, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Making Changes: Overcoming the Voice of Negative Prediction

Developing the Courage to Change

Anyone who has ever attempted to make a major change in his or her life knows what a challenge this can be. Not only does it take courage to make a commitment to your goal, but before you even make a commitment, it requires courage to admit that there's even a need to make a change and then even more courage to actually make the change.

Developing the Courage to Change

When Change is Forced Upon Us

There are times when we're forced to adapt to change because it's forced upon us, and we have no choice but to deal with those changes.

Some examples of this are: loss of a job, death of loved ones, end of a marriage, and our own aging process. These are changes that we have no control over. Accepting that we have no control also takes courage--the courage to face a problem and not to go into denial or make useless efforts to try to change things that we can't change.

When We Choose to Change

In most cases, having a certain degree of control and choice tends to be easier when faced with changes than having changes forced upon you.

 It's even better if you have time to plan for the change and you can do it gradually over time. These type of changes might include: improving eating habits under normal circumstances, losing weight, changing careers while still employed, and so on.

Developing the Courage to Change
Even when we're choosing to make a major change in our lives, we might have mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand, on some level, we're ready for the change.  But, on the other hand, in many ways, it's easier to remain the same, even if we know we've outgrown the current situation.  Our mixed feelings can keep us stuck in the current situation indefinitely, which can be frustrating.

So, how do we develop the courage to change when change seems so hard to do?  Well, depending upon what we're trying to change, we might need to take the change one step at a time rather than allowing ourselves to become overwhelmed by jumping too far ahead.

Often, we have to take it on faith that we're going to be all right while we're making a major change in our lives.

Enlisting the help of supportive loved ones can help us to develop the courage to change.  We want to choose people who will encourage us rather than reinforce our own fears about change.  It's especially helpful to have supportive people who have also gone through a similar process in their lives and were able to make meaningful changes in their own lives.

Getting Help in Therapy
When change feels overwhelming and the support of loved ones is not enough or it's nonexistent, people often benefit from seeking the help of a licensed mental health professional, an expert who can be objective and help you overcome whatever obstacles are getting in the way of making the changes that you want to make.

Rather than allowing months or even years to pass where you remain stuck in a rut, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others

All of us compare ourselves to others at one time or another.  From the time we're born, someone is comparing us to others--if we were bigger or smaller than our siblings, how we behaved compared to other babies, and so on.  The comparisons continue throughout childhood ("Why can't you be more like your brother?").  So, is it any wonder that many people spend their lives comparing themselves unfavorably with others? 

Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others

The problem is that when you make a habit out of comparing yourself unfavorably to others, you make yourself feel inadequate:

• "She's so much thinner than I am."
• "He makes more money than I do."
• "He's funnier than I am."
• "She's prettier than I am."

When you find yourself always on the losing end of the comparison, you're reinforcing a negative habit that will keep you immersed in shame.

Some Tips to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably With Others:

• Recognize that everyone is different and each of us has unique qualities.

• Be aware that, even though you might think that you're being "objective" in your comparisons, people often project their own sense of self doubt into their comparisons.

• Transform feelings of envy toward others into admiration, and if there's something that you can learn from someone that might help you to make a positive change, be open to discovering it.

Learn to Develop a Sense of Gratitude 

When you allow yourself to be consumed by envy, you're making yourself miserable.  Envy can be very corrosive, and it has a way of feeding on itself.

If you're constantly comparing yourself to people that you think have more than you do, try comparing yourself to others who have less.  When you recognize that you might be more fortunate than many other people, you have an opportunity to develop a sense of gratitude for what you do have rather than yearning for what you don't.  

Keep a gratitude journal where every day you write down three things that you're grateful for--no matter how small.  This will help to realize how many things you have to be grateful for in your life that you might be overlooking.

A Worthy Challenge:  From Envy to Gratitude

Changing an ingrained habit isn't easy.  But changing an ingrained negative habit of comparing yourself unfavorably to others and developing a sense of gratitude for what you do have is worth the effort.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Certain ingrained habits are difficult to change on your own, especially when longstanding habits are rooted in shame.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that you can't overcome on your own, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Resist the Urge to Merge

One of the challenges of being in a relationship is to maintain your sense of autonomy.  So that even though you're part of a couple, you still maintain the sense of being yourself as an individual rather than getting lost in your partner.  But so many individuals, who are in relationships, lose that sense of autonomy as the boundaries between them and their partners gets blurred and they begin to merge into each other.  

Relationships: Resist the Urge to Merge

A composite vignette, which represents many cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how individuals in a relationship can lose their sense of autonomy as the boundaries get blurred in the relationship:

Helen and Jack
Helen and Jack were both in their late 20s when they met each other at a mutual friend's wedding.  After dating for a couple of months, Helen moved into Jack's apartment.  Since they had only been dating a short time, Helen's friend  urged her to sublet her apartment in case it didn't work out.  But Helen didn't want Jack to think she had any doubts about their relationship, so she gave up her apartment to be with him.

They really got to know each other a lot better after they moved in together.  They already knew that they had a lot in common, but they also discovered that they had a lot of differences too.

For instance, Helen discovered that Jack had a deep resentment and mistrust for all religions.  Helen was raised with a strong sense of religion and she felt an emotional connection to her church.  She still attended her church every Sunday.  But when she realized that Jack had many negative feelings about the church, she stopped going because she was concerned that it might cause problems in their relationship.

Her friends told her that Jack was entitled to his feelings, but so was she, and he should respect her feelings.  But Helen brushed this off and gave up Sunday services so she could spend all of her time with Jack.

After a while, Helen began giving up more and more of what she liked.  She said she was doing this so she could spend more time with Jack.  Her friends felt that Helen was giving up too much of herself and she was really blurring the boundaries between herself and Jack to the point where they seemed as if they were almost fused into one person.

Eventually, Helen stopped seeing her friends.  She only wanted to spend her time with Jack.  Jack also gave up most of his friendships to spend all of his free time with Helen.  After a while, not only were they spending all of their free time together, but they were also wearing clothes that matched each other to be even more "in synch" with each other.

But along the way, instead of being more in synch, they started getting bored with one another.  Since they were always together whenever they had free time, they had little that was new to say to one another.  Within a year, they were irritable with each other and arguing a lot.  A few months later, they broke up.

When Helen called her friends, whom she had not seen in quite a while, they were annoyed that she was contacting them now that Jack was no longer in the picture.  Most of them forgave her. And Helen realized that she had made a big mistake by allowing herself to become almost fused with Jack in this emotionally unhealthy way.

Merger or Fusion in a Relationship is a Common Problem
This vignette shows how individuals in a relationship can blur the boundaries to the point where they lose their sense of autonomy.  Not every couple merges to the degree that Jack and Helen did.  There are degrees of this problem, but it's still not healthy.

Being in a relationship shouldn't mean that you give up things that you really value, as Helen did with her religion.  When two people get together, there needs to be enough that they have in common, but there can also be differences that each person can respect.

Giving up close friendships is a mistake that many people make once they get into a relationship.  But it's important that each person have close relationships outside their relationship with each other.  This puts less pressure on the relationship and also allows each person to be an individual.

Getting Help in Therapy
Merger or fusion between two people in a relationship is a common problem that many people face.  If you find yourself in this type of relationship and you're unable to work it out on your own, you could benefit from couples counseling with a couples counselor who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Grief: It's Common For the Emotional Pain to Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Often, the grief you feel when you've lost someone close to you feels so overwhelming that you might wonder if you'll ever feel better.  Unfortunately, it's a common experience for the grief to get worse before it gets better.  But, with help from a professional mental health professional, you can work through the grief.

Coping With Grief

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and the Five Stages of Grief
Many people, who are experiencing grief, are somewhat familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's book On Death and Dying (1969) and her hypothesis that people go through five stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Dr. Kubler-Ross never wrote that these stages were experienced in any particular sequence, but this is a common misunderstanding.

In fact, people often go through a combination of stages at the same time and they can cycle back and forth through these stages.  But this misunderstanding that the stages follow in a linear process has been the cause of a lot of confusion.  It has often been at the heart of people feeling that they are, somehow, "abnormal" if they're not going through the stages in a particular order, and especially if they start to feel worse.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the common experience of grief getting worse before it gets better and how grief can be worked through with help:

Jane
After a long battle with lymphoma, Jane's husband, Ray, died peacefully at home with the assistance of hospice care.  Jane and other family members were there as he passed away.

Initially, after his death, she was very busy with funeral arrangements and relatives who came from out of town.  Afterwards, there was plenty to do to take care of with insurance policies, thank you notes, and going through medical bills.

Coping With Grief

Shortly after Ray died, Jane felt that she and Ray had said what they needed to say to each other before he slipped into an unconscious state and then died.  But after everyone went home and she had taken care of paperwork and bills, she realized that she was only just beginning to grieve for her husband of 20 years.

Everyone told Jane that "time would heal all wounds."  After the first year, well-meaning friends were encouraging her to put Ray's death behind her and to start dating again.  Jane knew her friends meant well, but even the thought of seeing another man made her feel sick to her stomach.  She knew that none of her friends had ever lost a husband and they didn't understand what she was going through.

If anything, after a year, she was feeling worse.  It took about that long for her to fully realize what it meant that she would never see her husband again.  Until now, she understood this as a fact, a piece of information.  But now, she was beginning to understand it on an emotional level, and she wasn't sure how she would be able to cope with this.

Jane missed Ray terribly every day.  She often had dreams about him at night where he would come back to tell her that he wasn't really dead, and then he would disappear.  The dreams were so real that Jane would wake up not being sure if the dream was really a dream or if she had really seen Ray.

After a while, it got to the point where Jane preferred to go to sleep and dream about Ray than to be awake and live without him.  When she talked to her friends about it, everyone had a different opinion about it.  Some people told her that Ray was trying to contact her from "the other side."  Other people told her to forget about these dreams, "life was for the living"and she should "move on" with her life.

After Jane began to spend more and more time sleeping just to be able to feel she was having some contact with her husband, she realized that she couldn't go on with this.  She was starting to neglect herself by eating poorly and, in general, not taking care of herself as well as she normally would.

At that point, Jane sought the help of a therapist who specialized in helping clients to deal with grief and loss.  After she began therapy, Jane was relieved to hear that her experience was common.

Jane talked about her husband in her therapy sessions, and she felt free enough to cry in the sessions without feeling like she needed to "get over it," as her friends advised her.  She even brought in pictures of her husband and her, including their wedding pictures and other pictures at important stages of their life together.

After a while, Jane felt an emotional shift.  She still missed her husband, but she felt like he was with her wherever she went.  Her therapist helped her to understand that the emotional shift occurred because in their therapy work together Jane had internalized her husband on a deep level so, as Jane might say, "I feel I'm carrying him in my heart."

Gradually, Jane began to feel better.  Two years after her husband died, she was able to start dating.  She knew that no one would ever take Ray's place in her heart.   But she also realized that her heart was big enough for the possibility of someone new.

Complicated Grief
As I mentioned, Jane's experience is common among people who have had significant losses.

There are also people who experience what is called "complicated grief" where the loss feels as fresh years later as it did when it happened.  It's not just that they feel worse after a year or so.  It's that there is no relief from the anguish people feel about their loss even after years have passed.  People who experience complicated grief can benefit from seeking the help of a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy
If your grief feels like it's getting worse rather than better and you're having a hard time coping with it on your own, don't suffer alone.  You could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through their grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

New Relationships: Learning to Compromise About Time Spent Together

When two people fall in love and begin a new relationship, it's often a romantic and exhilarating time. Aside from the physical attraction, they usually have enough in common for them to want to be exclusive with each other.  But as they get to know each other, one thing that couples often discover about each other is that they have different feelings about how much time to spend together vs time apart.  If couples can't compromise about how much to spend time together, the relationship can quickly devolve into arguments and resentment.

Learning to Compromise About Time Spent Together

Spending Time Together vs Time Apart:  Learning to Communicate and Compromise

Obviously, there are no rules about how much time people in relationships "should" spend with each other.  So, there is no right or wrong.  But there needs to be honest communication and a compromise so the couple can work it out if they want to remain together.  But many couples struggle with this issue because they get stuck in a tug of war about it.  

Spending Time Together vs Time Apart:  Making Premature Assumptions Can Lead to Misunderstandings

People in this situation often make premature assumptions about what it means that their partners don't see eye-to-eye with them about how much time to spend together.

For example, the person, who wants to spend more time together, often feels hurt that his or her partner doesn't want to spend as much time together, assuming that the other person isn't as committed to the new relationship.  While there might be times when this is true, it might also mean that the person who wants to spend less time just needs more time to him or herself.  It could also mean that s/he wants to take things slowly.  

It could mean a lot of things--but that's the point:  Neither person can make assumptions about what it means and both people need to discuss this openly.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, with all identifying information changed to preserve confidentiality, illustrates how this problem can be worked out:

Joan and Dan:

Joan and Dan were in their mid-40s when they met.  Both of them had been divorced for several years when they met at a mutual friend's party.  They hit it off immediately and began dating the same week. During the first two months, they saw each other a couple of times a week, which worked out for both of them.  Neither of them was dating anyone else, and they agreed to be exclusive with each other.  

By the third month, Dan told Joan that he was in love with with her, and Joan was elated because she felt the same way.  After that, Joan wanted to see Dan more often and she told him that she wanted them to spend all their weekends together.  

Dan wanted to spend some weekends together, but not the entire weekend all weekends.  Sometimes, he liked having part of the weekend to himself.  When he told Joan this, she interpreted it to mean that Dan wasn't as interested in her as she was in him.  She had spent several years by herself after her divorce, and now that she was in love again, she wanted to spend all of her free time with Dan.  

Joan really enjoyed Dan's company a lot, and she had assumed that he enjoyed being with her just as much.  But when he told her that he would want to have some time to himself on certain weekends, she felt deeply hurt and angry:  Why wouldn't he want to spend all of his free time with her?  She also felt ashamed of making herself so emotionally vulnerable to Dan only to get her feelings hurt.  When Dan told her how he felt, she hung up the phone and burst into tears.

Initially, Joan didn't take Dan's phone calls because she was angry.  This surprised Dan.  They'd never had a big argument until now and he didn't know what to make of it.  When Joan finally agreed to take his call a few days later, at first, she didn't want to talk about spending time on weekends together, but Dan insisted.  He realized that Joan was hurt because she misunderstood how he felt.  He suggested that they meet for dinner to talk about it.

When they sat down together at dinner, Joan had a hard time making eye contact with Dan.  She was still feeling hurt, angry, and ashamed.  Dan remained quiet, but handed Joan an envelope and said, "Open it."  At first, Joan was hesitant, but Dan gestured to her to go ahead and open it.  And when she did, Joan gasped--she saw two round trip tickets to Paris.  Dan explained that he didn't want Joan to think he didn't want to spend more time with her.  It was just that he felt he needed time for himself sometimes on weekends.

They spent the rest of the dinner talking excitedly about how they would spend their time in Paris, which would be the first time for both of them.  They also talked about how they could compromise on the issue of spending time together vs. spending time apart.  

They worked out that they would spend certain weekends at Dan's house, which was much larger than Joan's apartment so that when Dan felt he wanted some time to himself, he could spend time in his den or in the garden while Joan read or did whatever she wanted to do.  

This compromise worked out for both of them.  It allowed Dan to have some time to himself, and it allowed Joan to spend more time with Dan, even if he was in the garden or in another part of the house for part of the time.  Just knowing that he was nearby was enough for her during those times when he wanted time to himself.  They also had a great time in Paris.

Working Out a Compromise About Spending Time Together vs Time Apart

As I mentioned, this is a common problem that a lot of couples struggle with in their relationship, especially when the relationship is new and sometimes even in longstanding relationships.  

An important aspect of working it out is not to make assumptions about what it means if one of you feels differently than the other.   You might have different needs.  

Have an honest talk with your partner and see if you can work out a compromise that will satisfy both of you.  It's important that whatever you work out works for both of you because if one of you just gives, there's bound to be resentment and it won't work out.

Getting Help in Couples Counseling

Many couples can't work this out themselves.  Often, one or both people can't put aside their own feelings to try to understand where the other person is coming from.  

Also, each person's personal history in his or her family of origin can affect their being able to work it out.  If, for instance, the person who wants to spend less time together felt smothered in his or her family of origin, those feelings might get triggered in this situation, making it difficult to compromise.  Likewise, if the person who wants to spend more time together grew up in a family where he or she felt emotionally abandoned, these feelings could get triggered when the couple tries to work out a compromise.

If you find that you and your partner can't work out the time together vs. time apart issue on your own, you could benefit from seeing a couples counselor.  A skilled couples counselor can help you navigate through this potentially thorny issue.  A couples counselor can help each person to understand how his or her family background might be affecting their situation and how to differentiate what happened in childhood from the current situation.

If you're in a relationship with someone you love and this is an issue that is standing in your way, you both owe it to yourselves to try to work it out in couples counseling.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Entitled to Self Care

Stress is a normal part of everyday life.  As long as you're alive, there's no way to avoid experiencing stress.  Since you can't avoid stress, it's important to have effective ways to manage your stress before you become overwhelmed.  

Feeling Entitled to Self Care

To effectively manage stress, you have to find what works for you in terms of self care.  But in order to do this, you need to feel entitled to take care of yourself rather than focusing on others (more on this later). 

Tips For Stress Management and Self Care
Self care involves both taking care of yourself both physically, emotionally and, for many people, spiritually:

• Going for regular medical and dental checkups
• Eating nutritious meals
• Making sure you get enough sleep (usually 7-8 hours per night)
• Engaging in healthy physical activity, like going to the gym or to a gentle yoga class
• Having a way to quiet your mind, like in mindfulness meditation
• Writing down your thoughts in a personal journal
• Having a strong emotional support system among friends and family
• Taking breaks during the day at work
• Going on vacation to get away from your daily routine
• Going for walks
• Getting out into nature
• Listening to music
• Reading books you enjoy
• Taking a relaxing bath
• Learning to be tactfully assertive in terms of taking care of yourself, including learning to say "no"
• Taking time for yourself during the day 
• Finding meaning in life and a purpose larger than yourself

Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself
Many people don't feel they're entitled to take care of themselves because they were raised to feel that they should put other people's concerns before their own.  When they try to engage in self care, they feel guilty and self indulgent, as if they should be doing something for someone else.

Often, when people don't feel entitled to self care, the underlying issue is "I don't feel good enough" or "I'm unlovable."  Most of the time, this isn't a conscious thought, but it's the self sabotaging thought that keeps them stuck.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you struggle with these feelings, you might need the help of a licensed mental health professional to resolve this issue.  The consequences of not taking care of yourself can be serious both physically and emotionally.

Aside from the many illnesses that can develop if stress overwhelms you and compromises your immune system, you're more likely to experience anxiety or depression at some point in your life.

Unfortunately, not feeling lovable, good enough or entitled to self care is a common problem.  So, if you feel this way, you're not alone.  But the good news is that there is effective treatment for this problem, and many people have successfully overcome feelings of inadequacy.

You can get help too.  I've included three professional websites below under "Resources" which include directories of therapists for clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR, three treatment modalities that I've found to be very effective in dealing with emotional trauma, including feeling of inadequacy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at ((917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.