Friendships: Losing a Friend After Giving Advice

One of the wonderful things about close friendships is the mutual support you provide to each other. Recently, a personal acquaintance told me how she lost her best friend after giving her advice, and she gave me permission to use her story, if I change her name, because she felt it might benefit others. Over the years, I've heard many versions of this story, and I've come to realize how common it is.

Yvonne (not her real name):
Yvonne and Sally were best friends since high school. They grew up in the same town, got married to their high school sweethearts with a couple of months of each other, and they continued to live close by even after they got married. They saw each other frequently, spending time with each other together as well as with their husbands. Over the years, they shared their secrets, hopes and dreams with each other. They thought of each other as sisters.

Sally and Yvonne Were Best Friends

It was not unusual for Yvonne and Sally to ask each other for advice. So, Yvonne thought nothing of it when Sally came over for coffee one day and told her that she needed Yvonne's advice. Sally told Yvonne that she suspected that her husband might be having an affair with his secretary.

At first, Yvonne thought Sally was joking. Everyone thought that Sally and Bob were the happiest couple in town. But when Yvonne realized that Sally was serious, she got over her initial shock and listened attentively to what Sally had to say.

Sally told Yvonne about all the telltale signs of Bob's infidelity: staying out late after work, sexually the provocative text messages on Bob's phone that Sally found when she became suspicious and searched his cell phone, and the sudden lack of sexual interest that Bob was showing for her.

They had been planning a vacation to Hawaii for months and now, suddenly, Bob wasn't sure if he wanted to go. As Sally told Yvonne all of this, she lowered her head and began to cry. She asked Yvonne, "I've been thinking about confronting Bob about this. What do you think should do?"

Yvonne told me that, at this point, her mouth had gone dry, and she hardly knew what to say. She had never seen Sally so upset in all the years they'd been friends. Her heart went out to Sally, and she wanted to help her. So, after a few moments of silence in which she composed herself, she told Sally she thought she should confront Bob. When Yvonne told me this part of the story, she said, "I would do anything now to take back those words."

A few days later, Sally came to see Yvonne. Sally looked like she hadn't slept in days. Her eyes were red and puffy with dark circles and she looked exhausted. Yvonne was shocked to see Sally in such a state.

After they sat down with cups of coffee, Sally told her that she confronted Bob. At first, he denied it. Then, after arguing about it for a few days, he admitted everything: He and his secretary were having an affair and he had no intention of giving it up. He felt ashamed, but he was also relieved because he hated lying to Sally.

At first, he thought his affair was only a passing thing. But after Sally confronted him about the affair, he had time to think about it. Before she confronted him, he said, he was going to break it off. But his arguments with Sally forced him to think about it more, and he realized that he was really in love with his secretary and he wanted to marry her. He apologized profusely to Sally, and then he asked her for a divorce.

As Yvonne sat there in stunned silence, Sally told her she couldn't help feeling that if she had not taken Yvonne's advice, Bob might have broken off his affair and all of this would have blown over. Maybe they would've had a chance to save their marriage.

But now she felt everything was lost. Bob moved out the day before to live with his new girlfriend, and he told her they should sell their house. Then, taking no responsibility for her own decision to confront Bob, Sally told Yvonne that she felt Yvonne's advice ruined her marriage and she wanted nothing to do with her ever again. And, with that, Sally walked out, leaving Yvonne in tears.


By the time Yvonne told me this story, five years had passed. True to her word, Sally wanted nothing to do with Yvonne. She ignored Yvonne's phone calls and email, and she refused to open the door when Yvonne tried to see her. In a few months after their last conversation, Sally sold her home and moved out of state. Yvonne never heard from her again.

Hindsight is 20/20
Hindsight is 20/20, and Yvonne had important insights over time. She came to see that, even though they were in their 30s, her friendship with Sally was somewhat adolescent and enmeshed. At the time, when Sally asked Yvonne for advice, Yvonne didn't have enough distance, due to their enmeshment, to stop and think about it before she gave advice.

She said that, if she could do it all over again, she would've told Sally that she couldn't advise her what to do and Sally should seek the help of someone impartial, like a mental health professional. She realized that, under most circumstances, no one can tell a friend what to do about his or her marriage.

Although time had passed and Yvonne was over the initial stage of hurt and anger for Sally blaming her and ending the friendship, she said she will never forget the important, painful lesson she learned. As I mentioned earlier, I've heard variations of this story many times. It can be a very painful lesson to learn that, even when a close friend asks for this type of advice, giving them advice about their marriage or relationship can backfire.

More importantly, we can never know what's right for another person's relationship. Even most experienced therapists don't give advice--they help clients to come to conclusions that are right for the individual clients.

So, the next time a friend seeks personal advice about serious problems in his or her relationship, unless you fear for your friend's physical safety, rather than risking the friendship, provide a comforting ear and a sounding board, but resist telling your friend what to do. Suggest that your friend seek professional help fro a licensed psychotherapist so your friend can figure out what's best for him or herself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Exp I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Infidelity on Social Media Sites

Infidelity that starts on social media sites is growing at an alarming rate. It starts out innocently enough: Former high school sweethearts discover each other on the social media site, Facebook. They're both married to other people now. They "friend" each other on Facebook or Instagram. 

Infidelity on Social Media Sites

How Affairs Start on Social Media Sites

At first, they only contact each other occasionally. Then, over time the frequency grows. Before long, they're sending direct messages to each other everyday. Fantasies of what "might've been" also grow. Then, they meet for a drink, and before you know, they're having an affair. In most cases, neither person intended to have an affair, but corresponding on social media sites, which are great for staying in touch, make it easy for affairs to blossom and grow.

More and more, I'm hearing from clients in my psychotherapy private practice about these affairs that start on social media sites, like Facebook and other sites. Both the people who are cheating and the people being cheated on are in distress about how these encounters online are ruining their relationships.

Wives and husbands are shocked to find pictures posted online on other people's Facebook sites showing their spouses romantically involved with someone else. Often, these pictures are hard to explain away by the spouse having the affair. Often, the spouse who's cheating is just as shocked to discover that the "other woman" or "other man" would be so indiscrete as to post these pictures online for millions of people to see, including the unsuspecting spouse.

Many of these romantic encounters remain online fantasies without any physical contact. Clients who are involved with an ex in this way often try to say that the lack of physical contact means that it's not cheating. But if these online encounters are taking time and energy away from your marriage or primary relationship, it IS cheating.

In a long-term relationship, it's easy to become bored. Seeing your ex's picture and remembering the ideal romantic times with your ex can be very seductive. It's easy to imagine how much happier you'd be with your ex and get carried away.

On a Slippery Slope to Destroying Your Relationship by Cheating Online

If you find yourself on this slippery slope and you want to save your relationship, you need to start by admitting that you've made a mistake--no matter how innocently it began. 

Of course, it would be better to have the foresight to be honest with yourself and your ex and not start down the slippery slope at all. But if you're already involved, whether strictly online or if it's progressed to a sexual affair, take responsibility for your actions. Be aware that there are, potentially, at least three or more people who could get hurt in this situation.

Getting Help if You're Cheating Online

Above all, whoever you are in this type of situation, get help. It can be one of the most difficult times in your life as you try to sort this out. 

If you're the person having "secret" contact with an ex, even if you feel sure you were "meant to be" with your ex, you'll need the objective help of a licensed mental health professional to work this out. 

Things are not always as they seem. Many people who felt sure they wanted to leave their marriages for an ex become sorely disillusioned when the reality of the new relationship doesn't meet the fantasy.

Getting Help if You're the Spouse of the Person Who is Cheating Online

If you're the spouse of the person cheating online, this can be a devastating time. Infidelity often breaks up marriages--but not always. 

Before you make any rash decisions you owe it to yourself and your marriage to consider carefully what you want to do. A professional mental health practitioner who deals with these issues should never try to steer you in one direction or the other. His or her role is to help you determine what's best for you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I've worked with many clients, on an individual basis as well as in couples therapy, to deal with online infidelity and other forms of infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Coping with Infidelity

Your Relationship: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected

Making Amends is an Important Part of Life 
All of the 12 Step programs stress the importance of making amends as part of the recovery process. But there are times when attempting to make amends can do more harm than good to you and others. 

When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected

There are also times when your efforts to make amends might be rejected. A rejection to heartfelt efforts to be forgiven can be very painful.

Often, it takes a lot of soul searching and courage to say, "I'm sorry" to people you have hurt. 

This process of soul searching can take you to the depths of our feelings where you might have avoided going for many years. So, when you humble ourselves and summon the courage to make amends, naturally, you hope to be forgiven.

Making Amends Can Be a Healing Process for Both People, But Not Always

Under favorable circumstances, this can be a healing process for both people. But not always. Sometimes, your process and what might be good for you might not be good for the other person. 

You can't always know what the other person is going through, especially if a lot of time has gone by. Your attempts to make amends might come at a bad time for them. Or accepting your apology might be more than they can deal with at that point in time--or ever. It's not for you to judge.

All We Can Do is Extend the "Olive Branch"

All you can do when you make amends is to extend the "olive branch." And you must do so without expectations, which can be very difficult. 

No matter what you're hoping for by making amends, you must accept the other person's freedom to choose what's best for him or her. 

That means not trying to convince, control or bargain with this other person. To do so would only take away from your effort to make amends. It also devalues the other person's right to determine what's best for him or her.

An Attitude of Acceptance

If your sincere apology is rejected, in order to preserve our own sense of well being,  take an attitude of acceptance, knowing that you've forgiven yourself, or you're on the road to forgiving yourself, regardless of what the other person does. 

Beyond that, you must make a commitment to yourself that you won't offend in this way again.

All of this is part of your healing and recovery. Others might not join us in your journey, and a healthy attitude of acceptance is something to strive for in these circumstances. 

Whether you are part of a recovery community or not, you can benefit from the support of friends, family, and loved ones.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapy

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

What is the Difference Between Forgiving and Forgetting?
Over the years, I've discovered that there seems to be a lot of confusion about the difference between forgiving and forgetting. Naturally, there are times when they go together, especially when we have a minor disagreement with someone and it's not worth it to remember what happened. But what about when there's a major betrayal or trauma? What does it mean under those circumstances to "forget"?

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

As with many circumstances, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Every situation is different and no one can tell you what's right for you. But are there times when it would be beneficial not to "forget" what happened? Given the confusion that this topic seems to elicit, I think this question is worth exploring.

What Does it Mean to Forgive Someone?
First of all, let's discuss what it means to forgive someone. Forgiveness doesn't always happen all at once. Forgiveness often happens in stages. We must first have the willingness to forgive, even before we actually forgive. From that willingness usually comes the ability to forgive.

Why Forgive?
But why forgive at all? First and foremost, in my opinion, we forgive to let go of toxic feelings that only serve to eat away at us inside. Depending upon the circumstances, it might take a long time to let go of anger and resentment. When the problem involves abuse or other forms of trauma, it's not unusual for it to be a long process. This is normal, and we shouldn't feel ashamed because we or others think it should take less time.

When we forgive, we have a choice of whether we reconcile with the other person or not. This leads to whether or not we should forget and continue to have this person in our lives. Again, there are no hard and fast rules about this, but self preservation, emotional, physical, and spiritual, must come first. If forgetting means that this person continues to abuse or hurt us, then we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to be aware and use good judgment, which means not forgetting the incident(s). It means keeping ourselves safe by not going into denial about what happened and that it's likely to happen again.

Now, I understand that people do change and turn their lives around. Someone who has been abusive could change and stop their abusive behavior. But it's often a long, difficult road, and often this behavior doesn't change. So, you have to evaluate your situation in as an objective way as possible before you decide to forget about the abusive behavior, especially if it's been an ongoing pattern.

Does this mean that this person isn't really sorry at the point when he or she says so? Not at all. There is often genuine remorse. The problem is that remorse alone, while important, isn't enough to change a person's behavior, especially where there are ingrained behaviors.

When Forgetting Means Putting Yourself in Harm's Way
When forgetting means keeping you in harm's way, it's a form of self destructive behavior. To get back to our original question about forgiving and forgetting, under circumstances when abusive behavior (of any kind) is likely to continue, forgiving is definitely different from forgetting. To forget what has been an ongoing pattern would lull us into a false sense of security--to our detriment.

Knowing When to Forget and When Not to Forget
Knowing when to forget as well as forgive can be tricky, especially when it involves people that we love. Our own loving feelings towards this person can cloud our judgment so that we only see what we want to see. Under those circumstances, it's usually better to seek the advice of a trusted and impartial friend or family member.

Striving to Heal and Find Meaning in Life
One thing I'd like to clarify is that by "not forgetting" I don't mean that we strive to keep our emotional wounds open and foremost in our minds. What I DO mean is that, while we don't turn a blind eye to what has happened and what might continue to occur, we strive to heal and find whatever meaning there is to find in our circumstances, and we continue to develop and grow.

Forgiving and forgetting is a complex topic and we've only begun to touch the surface, but I hope I've provided, at least, some food for thought and helped anyone struggling with this issue so he or she doesn't feel guilty about "not forgetting" when to do so would be self destructive.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

A Search for a Meaningful Life

Book:  Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning
I'm rereading the book, Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl. Frankl was a psychoanalyst and holocaust survivor. He developed the existential form of psychotherapy called logotherapy. The book recounts his experiences and the experiences of other inmates in Nazi concentration camps.

Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl

A Quest for Meaning

The basic premise of the book and of logotherapy is that life is primarily a quest for meaning, and the primary task for one's life is to seek out what is meaningful. Frankl saw three potential areas where a person could find meaning in his or her life: work (doing something significant, whether it is paid work or voluntary work), love (caring for someone else), and courage during difficult times. 

He posits that suffering in itself is meaningless. What gives it meaning is how we respond to it. According to Frankl, in many cases, we cannot always control what happens to us. But we can control how we deal with it.

In his experiences as a concentration camp inmate, he witnessed that the inmates most likely to survive were those who had the inner resources and found meaning in their lives, despite the cruel and inhumane circumstances. 

He recounts many examples of people who willed themselves to live, against formidable odds, by keeping an internal focus on seeing loved ones again or thoughts of resuming work that was meaningful to them.

Frankl thought of his wife, not knowing if she was alive or dead, picturing her face and imagining what she would say to him. 

Even though he was stripped of all possessions and nearly starved to death, he held onto his conviction that all material possessions and comfort was taken from him, but he maintained the freedom of his mind, his thoughts, and the inherent value of life itself.

One of the most prevalent problems of our times is that people find life meaningless. Generally, as a society, we have more leisure time than our ancestors ever dreamed possible. Yet, so many people don't know what to do with their time, which isn't meaningful to them. They're bored and fill their time with meaningless activities or engage in addictions.

One of the biggest triggers for alcohol and drug abuse is boredom and a feeling that life is meaningless. The alcohol or drugs (or compulsive gambling, overspending, or sexual addiction) gives a temporary reprieve from boredom and a sense of meaninglessness. 

In many cases, it temporarily obliterates the feelings of hollowness. But once the feelings of being drunk or high wear off, at best, the person with substance abuse problems is back where he or she started. At worst, the substances themselves add to their misery in terms of increasing their depressed mood, causing misery for their loved ones, and financial ruin.

It's no wonder that so many people with substance abuse problems find hope and inspiration in 12 Step meetings like A.A. or N.A. For many of them, possibly for the first time, they see the possibility of leading meaningful lives and a purpose greater than themselves, whether they call this purpose "God," "higher power," or a deep commitment to their lives and the lives of their loved ones. This can be a revelatory experience.

Everyday we're faced with obstacles, sometimes small, sometimes life threatening. How we respond to those circumstances and the meaning we find, whether it's spiritual or not, can make the difference in how we transcend our difficulties.

Transcending Our Difficulties with a Sense of Meaning and Purpose

Transcending our difficulties with a sense of meaning and purpose doesn't necessarily mean we're going to be "happy." 

In Western culture, especially in the US, "the pursuit of happiness" is is a much sought after goal--so much so that when people aren't feeling happy, many of them think there's something wrong with them. But happiness can be fleeting and transitory. We can't always feel happy. But we can try to find meaning, as Frankl did, in even the most dire circumstances.

One of the exercises that Frankl gives his clients is to imagine themselves at the end of their lives talking about what was most meaningful in their lives. Even clients who were very depressed found meaningful aspects of their lives. It also gave them an opportunity to think about how short life is and what changes they might want to make so their life would be more meaningful.

At times, we might need help to overcome the emotional obstacles that keep us from finding meaning and purpose in our lives. 

A licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients to transcend trauma and emotional difficulties can help clients to find or reconnect with purpose in their lives. Viktor Frankl was an exceptional psychoanalyst and human being. He seemed to have very strong internal resources that helped him survive and succeed. Viktor Frankl points the way to what's possible and to what we can aspire.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individuals and couples to help them overcome emotional obstacles so they can lead meaningful lives.

I provide EMDR, clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing as well as psychodynamic psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

photo credit: Pickersgill Reef via photopin cc

Psychotherapy and Spirituality

Searching for Meaning and Purpose
During this holiday season, amid the noise and haste, it's the time of year when many people search for meaning and purpose in their lives. 

Some people approach these questions through their spiritual practice. Others consult with psychotherapists. And many use both their spiritual practice and their psychotherapy sessions to explore these important questions. 

Psychotherapy and spirituality approach these existential questions in different ways . And yet, there is significant overlap between psychotherapy and spiritual questions.

Psychotherapy and Spirituality

People usually go to psychotherapists when they're in emotional pain. It might be an immediate crisis, a longstanding problem, grief, loss or trauma that brings them to a psychotherapist office. 

Whatever the initial problem might be, often, questions about the meaning and purpose of their lives becomes a part of the treatment. Most people want to feel they're leading meaningful lives, and when they're in emotional crisis, doubts and fears can arise about the direction of their lives. If they're in a particularly difficult life transition, they might question their goals and priorities. The loss of a loved one can test their faith in themselves, humankind, and their God or Higher Power.

Psychotherapy and spirituality both address these issues. As a psychotherapist, I help clients to navigate through these complex and vital questions. As I see it, part of the psychotherapist's job is to help clients to search for and find meaning in their lives. 

Just living from day to day without purpose or meaning isn't satisfying for most people. Yet, finding purpose and meaning can be elusive. Although emotional crisis can throw us off balance, it can also open us up to new possibilities, including transitions that help us define who we are as individuals and who we want to be.

When I refer to spirituality, I use that term in its broadest sense. For some people, spirituality means a formal religion. For others, it might be the sense of transcendence they feel in nature, music, art, their A.A. meetings or the love they feel for their families or for humankind. 

However you define spirituality, what all of these things have in common is they give us a sense that there's something greater than ourselves that we're responding to and from which we feel nurtured.

A Purpose-Filled Life

As I see it, it doesn't matter how each of us defines our particular spirituality because, however we see it, the root of it is the same. A purpose-filled life is a life with meaning, hope and direction. It provides us with an internal compass to help us during troubled times. 

As a psychotherapist, I often help people to find or reclaim their purpose in life. Many clients come to me to explore transpersonal questions in their lives. For some, they're searching for a way to express their yearning for spirituality that might be different from what they might have grown up with as children. Or, they might want to reclaim the spirituality they grew up with, but explore their beliefs as adults with an adult understanding to spiritual questions. 

As a psychotherapist who is not a minister or spiritual leader, my job isn't to lead them in any particular spiritual direction. Rather, my job as a psychotherapist, is to help them to find the answers within themselves, whatever they might be.

During the early days of Freudian psychoanalysis, in my opinion, a false dichotomy developed between psychotherapy and spirituality. I think that was very unfortunate. However, more and more, psychotherapists who work in a more client-centered, contemporary way are seeing that there is significant overlap between psychotherapy and spirituality. 

A holistic approach to psychotherapy includes an understanding that mind, body and spirit come together in each person, even though they are expressed in many different ways and on different paths.

I believe psychotherapists can be instrumental in helping clients find meaning and purpose in their lives. Psychotherapists can also learn a great deal by listening to clients as they explore these existential questions.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist. I work with individuals and couples. My approach is holistic, and I emphasize the mind-body connection. 

I provide psychotherapeutic services, including psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR therapy, hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP therapy, and Emotionally Focused couple therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction with Love

Confusing Sexual Attraction with Love
During the early stage of a romantic relationship, many people confuse sexual attraction for being in love. Sexual attraction can be so strong during the initial part of a dating relationship that you can get swept away by the power of these feelings and believe yourself to be in love. This is certainly not to say that you can't be both sexually attracted and also genuinely love someone. But the point is that, whereas sexual attraction can occur in a second, mature love develops over time.

Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love

Starting a Relationship Based Only on Sexual Attraction

Often, people start a relationship based on the heady feelings of sexual attraction--believing that they love each other.

This isn't a solid foundation for a relationship. When the sexual passion begins to wear off a little, these people often find they either have little in common or that their feelings aren't strong enough to sustain the inevitable ups and downs of a mature relationship.

Learning to Distinguish Between Love and Lust

It takes time to get to know one another. I often tell individual clients and couples that it can take at least two years of dating to get to know each other well enough to know if you're compatible enough to be in a relationship.

It's right around that time that the initial heady, sexual attraction decreases somewhat (as compared to the initial passion). So, being aware of this, it makes sense to take your time to get to know one another.  Over time, you learn to distinguish what might only be lust from love.

This helps you to avoid making life plans with someone you don't really love and the disappointment you might feel when the sexual attraction begins to wane.

Sexual attractions can be fun. Often, love can develop from these sexual attractions. We can't always know in advance when this will occur.

There are also many couples who develop deep feelings of mature love who also maintain the passion in their relationships. This is a wonderful thing! Many other couples need to make more of an effort to maintain that sexual passion, but that's a subject for another blog post.

Be Aware, Be Patient, Allow Things to Unfold and Develop 

The point is that, early on, we want to be aware that strong feelings for someone at the beginning are not the basis for a committed relationship. Be patient and allow things to develop and unfold before making a commitment. In the long run, you'll be glad that you took your time.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Perfection vs "Good Enough"

Are you a perfectionist? Do you stress yourself out trying to do things perfectly? Do you feel like you've "failed" unless the things you do are 100% what you think they should be? 

Perfectionism

Are you imposing these perfectionist standards on your loved ones? 

If you've said "yes" to these questions, it would probably be helpful for you to stop and consider what's driving you to have such perfectionistic standards for yourself and others before you exhaust yourself and alienate your loved ones.

What's Causing You to Strive for Perfection?

If you tend to be a perfectionist, you might want to stop and ask yourself what's causing you to strive for such unrealistic standards. 

For some people, a deep sense of inadequacy can drive them relentlessly to push for higher and higher standards--no matter what the issue is or the cost.

"Good Enough" Can Be More than Adequate

But in certain situations "good enough" is more than adequate without driving yourself crazy. Of course, everyone has their own ideas about what's "good enough."

If you're a perfectionist, only perfection might be "good enough." When you're trying to change this pattern, it will take a lot of practice and, possibly, a reality check from people you trust to let you know if you're still pushing yourself for perfection.

Hiding Behind Perfectionism

Often, a need to be "perfect" hides a sense of "I'm not good enough."

Once you stop trying to be perfect, some of these feelings of inadequacy might come to the surface. This is usually difficult to overcome on your own.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with being a perfectionist, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you overcome these deep seated issues.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.  

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Overcoming Perfectionism

Mindful Eating

The holiday season can be a challenging time for managing stress and overeating. In this blog post, I'll be focusing on how to eat mindfully and avoid overeating.

Why Do We Overeat During the Holidays?
One of the reasons that we tend to overeat during the holidays is that there's so often much more food around us during this time. If we work in an office, there are office parties with cakes, cookies, chips and many other types of high caloric foods. Family gatherings also have many of the same types of calorie-laden foods. It's so easy to fill up our plates and gorge ourselves on heaps of food without even realizing.

Mindful Eating, Instead of Overeating, During the Holidays

Whether we're stuffing ourselves out of anxiety, loneliness or other uncomfortable emotions or we're distracted by our conversations with others, it's very easy to overeat without realizing it. Considering that we can often attend several parties, dinners or other social gatherings over the holidays, we can end up gaining a lot of weight around the holidays.

So what's the answer? Should we avoid all social gatherings until the holidays are over? Should we starve ourselves and avoid eating until the holidays are over? Clearly, these aren't practical strategies. So what should we do? One viable strategy is to eat mindfully.

What is "Mindful Eating"?
What do we mean by "mindful eating"? Well, mindful eating means eating with awareness. Rather than being distracted while we eat or zoned out, we deliberately choose what and how much we're eating and thoroughly enjoy it. Rather than completely depriving ourselves, which often leads to overeating when we feel too deprived, we carefully choose our food, appreciating the color, texture, aroma, and all the other sensual aspects of the food. When we place the food in our mouths, we enjoy the taste and feel of the food, slowing down to thoroughly appreciate everything about it.

Remember the Meaning of the Holidays
The other factor to keep in mind is that the holidays are about more than food and overeating. If we're fortunate, the holidays are about getting together with loved ones, remembering those who are less fortunate than ourselves and the spiritual significance of the holidays if that's meaningful to you.

So, rather than focusing on food, it's more meaningful to focus on the meaning of the particular holiday. Even if you're alone for the holidays and you're not part of an organized religion, you can have a meaningful experience for yourself and make the holiday brighter for others by volunteering your time over the holidays.

This could mean joining a carolling group at a local hospital, serving food at a local homeless drop-in center, visiting a home bound elderly neighbor, or countless other volunteer activities that are available to you over the holidays and throughout the year. Participating in any of these activities has the potential to expand ourawareness of the meaning of the holidays.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist. As part of my therapeutic work with individuals and couples, I use mindfulness techniques.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Knowing When to Stay and When to Go

Knowing when to stay and try to work things out versus when to end a relationship can be challenging, especially when there have been longstanding problems. Often, people feel they've invested so much in the relationship that they want to do everything they can before giving up. But, for many of these relationships, both people feel they've exhausted their internal resources and they don't know what to do to make things better. They might flounder for months or years in an emotional stalemate.

Relationships: When to Stay and When to Go

Staying for the Sake of the Children?
Many people decide that even though the relationship no longer works for either of them, they will stay together for the sake of the children. This rarely works. I've had many adults clients tell me in their psychotherapy sessions that they wish their parents had divorced rather than staying together for the sake of the family. Usually, they say that they and their siblings sensed that something was wrong between their parents, even though the parents thought they were hiding it well. This creates a great deal of tension in the household with the parents attempting to keep their problems a secret and the children feeling confused about what they're sensing.

Relationships: When to Go and When to Leave.  Staying Together for the Children?

Wanting to Escape When Things Get Tough
There are those people who tend to want to escape from relationships when things get rough. Often, they haven't learned the necessary skills to stick with it and work through normal, everyday problems. Most of the time, these people didn't grow up in families where they saw good communication and problem solving modeled so they're at loss about what to do.

Relationships: When to Stay and When to Leave.  Escaping When Things Get Tough

Staying Because You're Afraid of Being Alone
Other people are on the other end of the spectrum: They don't know when the relationship has run its course. They keep trying to salvage the relationship, even when nothing works any more. In some cases, they fear being alone. In other cases, they don't want to feel they've "failed" in their relationship. There can be so many reasons.

When to Stay and When to Go.  Staying Because You're Afraid of Being Alone

Doing Some Soul Searching
Knowing when to stay or when to go can be daunting. It can take a lot of soul searching on your part as well as open and honest communication between you and your partner.

When to Stay and When to Go.  Doing Some Soul Searching

Needless to say, if you're going to try to work things out, both people must be willing to make the effort.

Getting Help
When you and your partner aren't sure if the relationship can be salvaged, you could benefit from seeing a couples counselor. An experienced couples counselor, who is objective, can help you and your partner sort through the current emotional stalemate to either work things out or end the relationship in an amicable way.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who sees individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006.

Relationships: Having the Courage to Admit When You Made a Mistake

Many relationships would benefit if one or both people could admit that they made a mistake, make amends for the mistake, and then move on. Instead too many couples end up having long drawn out arguments where nothing gets resolved and both people end up feeling resentful. These are the kind of arguments that tend to erode relationships and often lead to their demise.

Relationships: The Courage to Admit When You've Made a Mistake

Many people feel that to admit a mistake is a sign of weakness. This might be due to messages they received from their family when they were growing up. But, in fact, to be able to admit you're wrong or, at least, that you had a part in creating the problem takes strength and a certain amount of faith that your spouse or partner will forgive you.

Making Amends

We all make mistakes at one time or another. That's what makes us human. Rather than get caught up in an endless cycle of making excuses or deflecting the blame, it's better for you and your relationship to acknowledge your error, apologize, and make amends.

Avoiding Power Struggles

When you're able to admit that you've made a mistake, you also make it easier for your partner to do the same. Rather than getting into power struggles, you can both rely on the sense of integrity that you each feel towards each other and the relationship to carry you through the difficulties that come in any relationship.

Getting Help

If you and your spouse have gotten to the point where you can no longer resolve arguments on your own, you might benefit from couples counseling. An experienced couples counselor can help you to improve communication between you and restore a healthier dynamic in your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: When Expressing Your Feelings Turns into Verbal Abuse

Often couples who have problems communicating with each other make the mistake of believing that expressing their feelings means they can say whatever they want, in whatever tone or volume all in the name of "being honest." 

Relationships: When Expressing Your Feelings Turns into Verbal Abuse

This distortion in reasoning often leads to an escalation in arguments and more misunderstandings.

Making Excuses for Verbal Abuse

As a psychotherapist and couples counselor in NYC, have heard people say over and over again, "I was just expressing my feelings" as a way to rationalize abusive verbal behavior. Often, the underlying intent of this "honesty", whether the person realizes it or not, is to hurt or one-up the other person.

Relationships: When Expressing Your Feelings Turns Into Verbal Abuse

Stop and Think Before You Speak

If you stop to think about what you're about to say before you say it, you can catch yourself before you become mean spirited with your spouse or partner.

There's no reason for honesty to come with a sledge hammer. It's often better to take the time to cool down and come back to the discussion later rather than saying something rash in the heat of the moment.

Then, you can focus on what you're really trying to communicate rather than getting side tracked because you're too angry to think straight.

Getting Help

Learning effective communication skills with your spouse or partner takes practice. If you find yourself falling into the same pitfalls, you might benefit from couples counseling.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006 or email me: josephineolivia@aol.com.

Home for the Holidays

Being with family for the holidays can be challenging for many people. We see images of happy families in ads, TV programs, and movies, which can leave us feeling that something is wrong with us or our families if our family doesn't measure up to these happy images. However, the holidays can be very stressful, especially if we have unrealistic expectations of our families or ourselves.

Home for the Holidays

Rather than putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and your family, here are a few tips to help you during these holiday get togethers:

• Try to keep the day light. Steer clear of topics that might be contentious or that could create tension. This is not the time to debate politics if you know the discussion will become heated.

• Try to have reasonable expectations of friends and family. If Uncle Bob tends to be grouchy at family gatherings, there's no reason to expect that his personality will change this year.

• Watch your alcohol intake. Alcohol tends to amplify emotions and if you drink excessively, you might find yourself saying and doing things at the family gathering that you might regret.

• Don't take the bait if a relative becomes difficult. Try not to personalize his or her behavior.

• Plan in advance.  If you know in advance that a family gathering will be difficult, "book end" the visit by planning in advance to talk to a trusted friend or loved one before and after the visit so you feel supported.

• Do keep in mind the meaning of the holiday. So, for instance, Thanksgiving is a day to acknowledge all that we have to be grateful for.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individuals and couples.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Moving Beyond the "Blame Game" in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist in New York City who sees individuals and couples, I see many clients who can't move beyond the "blame game."

What is the "Blame Game"?
What I"m referring to when I discuss the "blame game" is a dynamic in a relationship where the two people involved are so busy blaming each other and deflecting attention from their own behavior in the relationship that they end up getting caught in an endless cycle of arguments where nothing is resolved. Getting caught up in the "blame game" doesn't allow you to really listen to your partner and understand what he and she is trying to tell you and, if both people are doing this, communication suffers. This type of dynamic often becomes habitual in relationships so that, no matter what the argument is, this dynamic plays out in a destructive way.

Relationships:  Moving Beyond the "Blame Game"

The first step in overcoming the "blame game" dynamic is becoming aware that this is the a style of communication that you're caught in. Both people have to be willing to develop awareness of this dysfunctional way of communicating and be willing to change it.

The following short fictionalized vignettes are examples of this "blame game" communication cycle:

Mary and Joe:
Mary can't stand it when Joe leaves his dirty plate on the counter instead of putting it in the sink. They've had countless arguments about this. She can't understand why Joe doesn't just put the dish in the sink. When she sees the dish, she calls out to Joe, who is in the living room watching TV, "How many times have I told you not to leave dirty dishes on the counter!" Inwardly, Joe feels embarrassed that he hasn't broken out of this habit, but he's annoyed that Mary is taking a superior tone with him, so rather than saying this, he shouts back sarcastically, "Oh yeah, right--like you're such a great housekeeper." From there the argument escalates to the point where Mary and Joe stop talking for a few days, and the issue remains unresolved.

Bob and Nick:
Bob opened the American Express bill and felt a jolt in his stomach when he saw the amount owed. Just last month, he and Nick had agreed to cut back on their expenses because they were living beyond their means and Bob's position as an adjunct professor was not secure. Bob approached Nick with the credit card bill and said, "We've talked about this before--we've got to cut back on our expenses. Look at this bill." Nick took a look at the bill and noticed that they both had charged bigl ticket items, "Well, I see that you've run up the bill as much as I have, so don't blame me." Bob responded, "But you know that I had extra expenses last month and everything that's on there was necessary." Feeling increasingly annoyed, Nick snapped back, "Are you saying that your needs are more important than mine?" From there, the conversation spiraled down. Instead of having a constructive conversation about how they can work together to deal with the problem, neither of them listened to each other and each one continued to blame the other.

Susan and Betty:
Susan and Betty are expecting Susan's parents for the holidays. They both find her parents difficult to deal with. Instead of discussing how they can work together to deal with this holiday stressor, they get into an argument as soon as Betty sees the email from Susan's parents about when they plan to arrive. Betty puts on a long face when she reads the email and says, "I really wish your parents would stay home this year. Can't you make some excuse so they don't come?" Feeling defensive, Susan says, "I know they're annoying, but they're still my parents. And you don't help the situation by sulking when they're around." Betty responds, "Well, why don't you do something about it? It's your fault--you allow them to come each year." From there, rather than discussing the situation openly and trying to come up with a solution that would be mutually agreeable, they end up pointing fingers at one another.

The "Blame Game" Doesn't Work
In the three scenarios above, we see that each person is so busy accusing the other person and defending him or herself that the issue isn't addressed directly. Instead, they get caught up in blaming one another and they move further and further away from trying to work out the problem.

Very often, in longstanding relationships, couples have a long history of engaging in this type of dynamic and they can bring up other unrelated and hurtful things to get back at their partner. If this goes on long enough, it becomes the predominant pattern for communicating--to the point where each person dreads bringing up issues, knowing that the discussion will devolve quickly.

Fair Fighting: Speaking from Your Own Experience
One of the principles of fair fighting in a relationship is that each person speak from their own experience rather than blaming the other person. So, for instance, in the scenario between Susan and Betty, rather than responding to Susan's parents' email by making a face and blaming Susan, Betty could have found a quiet, calm time to speak with Susan to tell her that her parents' visits make her uncomfortable and she's anticipating that there will be problems. Since Betty would be speaking from her own experience, Susan is less likely to get defensive. She might even feel free to admit that her parents can be difficult. From there, they could talk about what they would like to do, with each of them listening to what the other has to say.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when the "blame game" pattern of communicating is so ingrained in a relationship that it's too difficult for the couple to change on their own. They might need the help of a couples or marriage counselor to help them to overcome this problem.

If you and your partner are caught up in the "blame game," acknowledge that this is what's happening in your relationship and have a heart-to-heart talk about how this is adversely affecting your relationship. If you can't work it out on your own, seek the help of a licensed mental health professional who works with couples before it's too late.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and SE therapist in New York City. I work with individuals and couples. I have helped many couples to overcome the "blame game" dynamic in their relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Friendship: When to Give Advice and When to Just Listen

As adults, we've all been in the position, at one time or another, when we hear from a friend who is upset about a personal situation or a situation at work. It is sometimes difficult to know when our friends just need a sounding board, when we should give advice and when we should refrain from giving advice.

Friendship: When to Give Advice and When to Just Listen

Our Natural Inclination is that We Want to Help Friends
For most of us, our natural inclination is to try to help our friends, if we can. When a friend is upset, it's especially tempting to rush in with advice because we want to relieve the friend's suffering or offer comfort. 

But, without realizing it, we might be stepping into a very tricky situation, especially if the friend is calling about problems in his or her relationship. Although there are no hard and fast rules about this, there are some steps that we can take to ensure that, in the long run, we don't end up causing resentment later on or even ruining the friendship.

Ask Your Friend What She Needs
The first step that we can follow, after we have listened empathically to our friend's problems, is to ask what he or she is looking for from us. This might sound so simple, but in a situation where someone close to us is upset, it's easy to forget and lose sight of this. 

Now, you might say that if your friend is calling you and he or she is upset, of course, your friend is looking for advice. But this isn't always the case, and if you rush in, you might discover that you've misunderstood and you're not at all on your friend's wavelength.

By asking, we're letting our friend know that we want to be helpful in a way that is meaningful to him or her. We're not making any assumptions about what our friend needs or wants--no matter how long we've been friends or how well we think we know the friend. In a moment of upset, our friend might not be able to say what he or she needs, but this question can help him or her to clarify and organize his or her thoughts to be able to reflect on what's needed at that point.

Does Your Friend Want Advice or a Sounding Board?
If what's needed is for you to be a sounding board and nothing else, then your friend is letting you know that he or she just wants to vent and advice is not being sought. 

If your friend is looking for advice, if you choose to give advice, which can be tricky, there are tactful ways to approach this. Most important of all, we can never assume that we know exactly what might be right for our friends.

Does Your Friend Want Advice or a Sounding Board?

So, it's usually better to frame whatever you say by first saying that this is what you would do if you were in this situation (assuming that you have an opinion about it), and this may or may not be what is best for your friend. 

By saying this, you're letting your friend know that you're not assuming that you know what's right for him or her. You're also putting the responsibility for the decision back with your friend, where it belongs. But even this can be tricky. When a friend is calling about relationship problems, it can be especially tricky.

The following fictionalized account illustrates a common scenario where a friend calls for advice:

Susan and Pat:
Susan and Pat were close friends for several years. Pat was in a rocky relationship with Jim for the last two years. Usually, Susan avoided getting caught up in giving Pat advice because she knew that Pat wasn't ready to leave her relationship with Jim, no matter how much Pat complained about it. 

But on this particular day, without realizing it, Susan got caught up in Pat's emotions. Pat was calling for the third time in two weeks to say that Jim was verbally abusive and he wouldn't listen to her when she tried to discuss this with him. Usually, he would walk out and not call her for several days. Then, they would get back together as if nothing had happened.

As Susan listened to Pat crying on the phone, she felt exasperated. It really bothered her to see Pat in so much emotional pain. Before she realized what she was doing, Susan began telling Pat, "You've got to get out of this relationship! He's making you so unhappy. This keeps happening over and over again. He's not going to change." Pat responded by saying that Susan was probably right and, soon after that, she ended the conversation.

After that call, Susan didn't hear from Pat in several days, which was unusual. She left Pat a few messages, but she didn't hear back from her, and Susan began getting concerned. When she finally reached Pat, Pat was terse and aloof with her. At first, Susan couldn't understand what was going on with her friend. When Pat tried to get off the phone quickly, Susan asked Pat if she was angry with her.

Pat was silent for a moment, and then she said that she didn't think they could continue to be friends any more because she felt that Susan didn't like Jim. Susan was stunned and speechless for a moment, still not understanding what was going on. 

Then, Pat reminded Susan about the advice that she had given Pat about leaving Jim. Pat said, "I just couldn't believe that you would say that to me, knowing how much Jim and I love each other. I thought you were my friend, but I feel like you betrayed me. When I told Jim what you said, he got really mad and he said he didn't think you were much of a friend to me. And, you know, Susan, I have to agree with him." And with that, Pat hung up, leaving Susan feeling shocked and hurt.

Use Good Judgment
The scenario above is a common occurrence. In the heat of the moment, a friend calls in distress and complains about a boyfriend. Afterwards, especially if this friend is caught in a dysfunctional pattern, she reverts back to her habitual way of being in her relationship. She might even feel guilty for complaining about her boyfriend. 

Then, she thinks about the conversation where her friend tells her to leave the relationship, and she feels angry with her friend. Let's say, she's no longer in her upset state. She has already reconciled with her boyfriend. At that point, it's easy to blame her friend and feel betrayed rather than reflecting on the dysfunctional cycle that she keeps getting caught in with her boyfriend. I've seen this happen so many times.

Does Your Friend Need Professional Help?
In situations like this, you could understand how someone like Susan might feel exasperated, especially after listening to her friend complain over and over again. 

But, rather than react, it's better to step back after listening and ask your friend how you can be supportive. And if your friend is caught in a dysfunctional cycle and you know that by allowing her to vent to you, she just lets off steam and gets right back into the same cycle, the best thing that you might do is to let her or him know that you're not a professional, and it might be better for your friend to seek professional help with a licensed psychotherapist. 

Not only might this stop the cycle of her complaining to you and then just going right back into the same dysfunctional situation, but by getting professional

It's not always easy to know what to do when friends call on us for help, but by taking a moment to reflect on the situation and asking a friend what he or she needs from us, we can avoid crossing boundaries with our friends that could ruin a friendship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.