Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist: Hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing

Turning Lemons into Lemonade During Life's Ordinary Disappointments

2012-02-15T02:20:00.017-05:00

There's an old, wise saying about life's everyday disappointments: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Some people have such an extraordinary knack of being able to reframe life's inevitable disappointments to make a negative into a positive. They are the 10 or so percent of the population who are naturally optimistic. They can find the silver lining in the darkest storm clouds: Stuck in traffic? No problem, it's an opportunity to remember to breathe and relax. Their car needs repairs? No problem, it's an opportunity to walk and get more exercise. Everyday disappointments and frustrations are taken in stride with their naturally positive attitude and resilience. For most of the rest of us, this is a way of being that doesn't come naturally and would need to be cultivated.

Before I go on, I want to stress that I'm referring to life's ordinary and inevitable disappointments and frustrations. I'm not referring to tragic losses or trauma. It would be very unempathic and cruel to expect, for instance, that a parent who loses a child would be looking for a silver lining in this loss--although, there are some very extraordinary people who galvanize themselves and find the strength to help others, even after tragic losses. Mothers Against Drunk Drivers and other similar groups are examples of this, but the ability to do that is different from reframing a loss or disappointment.

So, how can we learn to "make lemonade" when life gives us lemons? How can we learn to develop this skill that resilient and resourceful people have? And why is it important to learn this life skill?

Well, I'll address the second question first by saying that, on the most basic level, research has shown that people who have an optimistic attitude tend to be healthier and live longer. They feel confident and more in control of their lives. And, generally speaking, they tend to be happier than people who have a more pessimistic outlook on life, so the quality of their lives is better.

As to how to develop a more optimistic attitude, the first step is to have an awareness of how you think and respond to ordinary disappointments. Do you feel angry and defeated or are you able to take an everyday disappointment in stride? To be able to determine this, you need to be able to step back in a non-defensive way and be honest with yourself. At times, this can be challenging, but if you can review in your mind how you handled the last few annoying incidents in your life, all things being equal, you would probably get a good sense of where you are on the optimism/pessimism spectrum. And I want to stress that there is a spectrum--it's not a black and white or all or nothing thing. And, of course, there are especially stressful times in life when you can feel overwhelmed and, even the most optimistic person would feel challenged, but I'm not referring to these times.

So, let's say that you've determined that you're someone who gets easily thrown by everyday disappointments and you want to learn to change the way you respond. How do you do that? My recommendation, after you learn to develop an awareness of your habitual pattern is to practice reframing these events for yourself.

Now, if you're a naturally dyed-in-the-wool pessimist, this will be challenging, no doubt about it. If the idea of reframing a relatively minor disappointment into a potential opportunity seems impossible for you, you might need to start by using your creative imagination to imagine how an optimistic person might look at it. Suspend disbelief and put yourself in the shoes of an optimistic person to fathom how he or she might reframe an annoyance or disappointment.

Even if, at first, this seems completely foreign to you, chances are that if you practice this diligently, you can change the way you think and respond to life's ordinary downturns. And the ability to reframe these disappointments can help you to be a more resilient and resourceful person who can respond to life in a creative way.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

From Lemons to Lemonade During Life's Inevitable and Ordinary Downturns

2012-02-15T02:20:00.011-05:00

There's an old, wise saying about life's everyday downturns: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Some people have such an extraordinary knack of being able to reframe life's inevitable disappointments to make a negative into a positive. They are the 10 or so percent of the population who are naturally optimistic. They can find the silver lining in the darkest storm clouds: Stuck in traffic? No problem, it's an opportunity to remember to breathe and relax. Their car needs repairs? No problem, it's an opportunity to walk and get more exercise. Everyday disappointments and frustrations are taken in stride with their naturally positive attitude and resilience. For most of the rest of us, this is a way of being that doesn't come naturally and would need to be cultivated.

Before I go on, I want to stress that I'm referring to life's ordinary and inevitable disappointments and frustrations. I'm not referring to tragic losses or trauma. It was be very unempathic and cruel to expect, for instance, that a parent who loses a child would be looking for a silver lining in this loss--although, there are some very extraordinary people who galvanize themselves and find the strength to help others, even after tragic losses. Mothers Against Drunk Drivers and other similar groups are examples of this, but the ability to do that is different from reframing a loss or disappointment.

So, how can we learn to "make lemonade" when life gives us lemons? How can we learn to develop this skill that resilient and resourceful people have? And why is it important to learn this life skill?

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Being Open to New Experiences

2012-02-14T04:30:00.008-05:00

As a psychotherapist in NYC, I see many clients who feel they're stuck in their lives. Over time, if this feeling persists, it often leads to anxiety and depression, which usually has the effect of making people feel even more stuck and leads to even greater feelings of constriction. Life can become dull and uneventful. For some people, it becomes hard to climb out of this rut and all they can see is more of the same.

For many clients who have gotten into this kind of rut, life has become too routine. They're living their lives in a habitual way. For some, there's a fear of trying new experiences. Even though they may feel unhappy with the well-worn routines in their lives, their fear of trying a new experience paralyzes them emotionally from stepping outside the "box" they're in.

Often, it's necessary to work through a history of feeling "I'm not good enough" or "I don't deserve to be happy." The roots of this problem can be deep. But, in the mean time, when working with clients who are caught in this kind of rut, I often recommend that they remain open to new, positive experiences. A new experience doesn't have to be a big change. It can be something small, like walking down a different street to go home, window shopping in a store where you wouldn't normally go, listening to music you don't usually listen to or think you don't like or trying an ethnic dish that's new for you.

The idea of being open to new experiences is to help you change the habitual cycle of "stuckness" and boredom in your life. Small changes often lead to bigger changes as you overcome your fear of stepping outside your comfort zone. This usually isn't the "magic bullet" to overcoming a lifelong self experience of feeling undeserving, but it gets you to start taking steps to make changes while you're working with your therapist to overcome the underlying issues that are driving this feeling.

Taking an action, as opposed to only analyzing your problems, is crucial to making positive changes. One of the criticisms of traditional talk therapy is that people spend years analyzing their problems, but nothing changes. Clients might become more insightful about their problems, but it remains an intellectual process. If you don't actually take steps, even very small steps, nothing changes. So, when I work with clients who are stuck in an emotional rut, whether we're doing hypnotherapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing or contemporary talk therapy, I often also encourage clients to be open to new experiences.

What might, at first, seem like a small change, can lead to an upward spiral to bigger and more satisfying changes. For instance, a willingness to explore a new way of going home could lead to the discovery of a costume jewelry shop that you've never seen before. You go in and, possibly, this leads to a conversation with the store owner who designs this creative jewelry. Maybe you discover that she also conducts jewelry design classes for beginners, which piques your curiosity. This could lead to your taking a class in jewelry design which, in turn, could lead to a new and interesting hobby--or maybe, if you really love it, you eventually sell your designs in the store. Maybe, if you're really passionate about it, you even get your own website to sell the jewelry you're designing.

It all starts with a willingness and curiosity to be open to new experiences and a willingness to take the first step. Will this be the answer to all your problems? Probably not. But it helps to break the cycle you might be caught in right now. It also helps you to see there are an endless source of possibilities for new experiences if you're willing to give them a try. Often, the key to pursuing new, positive experiences is allowing your creative imagination to open up to new possibilities.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides mental health services to individuals and couples, including contemporary and dynamic talk therapy, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

All Hypnosis is Self Hypnosis

2012-02-13T03:46:00.008-05:00

All hypnosis, whether it's through a hypnotherapist or you've learned to do it on your own, is self hypnosis. You might wonder how hypnosis that is conducted by a hypnotherapist can be self hypnosis. Well, the answer is that, during hypnosis, you have complete control of the messages you take in. Even when a hypnotherapist is helping you to get into a hypnotic state, you're in a relaxed state, you always maintain dual awareness of everything around you, and your unconscious mind will only take in what's best for you.

People often have misconceptions about hypnosis. Unlike the unfortunate caricature of stage hypnosis, during clinical hypnosis, you're completely aware of the here-and-now as well as whatever you're working on in hypnosis. The hypnotic state is a relaxed, natural state that we all go through many times a day. Daydreaming or going into reverie states is similar to the hypnotic trance state.

Although safe and effective when it's performed by a licensed mental health professional, hypnosis is not a "quick fix" or something that is "done to" you. This is another misconception--that you can sit back and it will be as if someone is waving a magic wand over you. In fact, if you're not really motivated to change whatever issue you're presenting to the hypnotherapist, hypnosis often won't work.

If you work with a hypnotherapist (as opposed to a hypnotist), you can also learn to do hypnosis on your own (what most people refer to as self hypnosis) for many emotional and physical conditions, including anxiety, medical issues, and pain management.

Clinical hypnosis is not a panacea, but it has been very helpful for many people over the years. Even though some people are more easily hypnotized than others, you don't need to go into a deep trance to experience the benefits of hypnosis. In fact, Milton Erickson, the father of modern hypnosis, was a master at conversational hypnosis.

I am a licensed psychotherapist in NYC who provides mental health services to adults, including talk therapy, hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR.

To find out more about clinical hypnosis, visit the ASCH website: http://ASCH.net.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Spirituality: Are You Contemplating Your Faith-of-Origin in a New Light?

2012-02-07T04:53:00.009-05:00

For many adults, especially during times of crisis, there comes a time when they contemplate their faith-of-origin in a new light. This often occurs after decades of having bitterly rejected a belief system from childhood. It's not unusual for people who are reevaluating their faith-of-origin to be surprised and confused that they're even considering returning to their childhood religion, not realizing that this is a common experience for many people at certain stages in their lives. What's even more surprising for some people is that their childhood faith still resonates for them emotionally on some level.

How does this happen? Well, as you can imagine, this process is different for everyone. However, it often occurs during major life transitions or during difficult times. For some people, it can occur because they feel adrift in life without a spiritual anchor. It may be that there were aspects of their childhood religion that they miss. At a younger age, they might not have had the ability to overcome the challenge of holding onto what they liked and rejecting what didn't resonate. They took an all-or-nothing attitude. But now, either due to an emotional crisis, a life transition or a longing to feel a deeper spiritual connection, they're willing torevisit these issues with an open mind.

For many people growing up as children where they had no choice about participating in the family religion, rejecting their faith-of-origin was part of becoming independent from their families. This rejection was part of becoming an adult who could make his or her own choices in life. It was part of declaring themselves as autonomous individuals. As young adults, they might have felt that they closed the door on their faith-of-origin, never to be opened again. And yet, as an older adult, when they feel secure in their independence, there's no longer a need to take such an absolute stand, and they're usually surprised to realize that they're missing parts or all of their former religion. What once seemed to have no meaning to them now seems to hold some significance after all.

Contemplating your faith-of-origin can be a challenging process with many confusing feelings. It can challenge your sense of self and long held beliefs. It can also be a time of feeling newly inspired. It all depends on how you approach this process. With patience, empathy for yourself and a healthy sense of curiosity, it can be a time when time of spiritual and emotional renewal.

It's often comforting to know that many people, especially during middle age or later, go through this reevaluation process about their childhood religion. If you're willing to spend time contemplating what still remains true for you, what you want to keep from your faith-of-origin, and what you might want to let go of, you may find a lost part of yourself. You might discover that your childhood belief system is still intact in some form. You might find yourself reconsidering childhood beliefs in a new light with a more nuanced adult understanding. For many people, this gives new meaning to their lives and helps them to feel more emotionally integrated.

Spirituality is an important part of many people's lives. Whether they're reclaiming their faith-of-origin on their own terms now or they're exploring new beliefs, it can be an emotionally rewarding time if you can be compassionate with yourself, tolerate the uncertainties that are often inherent in the process, and allow this process to unfold in a way that's right for you.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I provide psychotherapy services to individual adults and couples, including talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I have helped many clients to explore and reconcile their spiritual beliefs in a way that's meaningful to them.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Dating vs a Relationship: Take Time to Get to Know Each Other

2012-02-04T15:08:00.022-05:00

In these times of "instant" everything, I find that people often rush into relationships very soon after getting to know each other. After just a few weeks, instead of getting to know each other over time, they're already defining themselves as a couple in a relationship. Shortly after that is when problems usually begin because they don't really know each other.

I'm not sure why people are in so much more of a rush than they used to be. Possibly with the advent of online dating websites, people feel more pressure to get into a committed relationship quickly because they're aware that there's lots of "competition" out there. Anecdotally, I hear this from both friends and clients that there's a feeling that if you don't "snap up" that the person you like, he or she will keep the online dating profile active and find someone else.

When you jump into a committed relationship with someone you hardly know, you usually fill in the blanks about that person based on the fantasy you want. Often, people don't even realize that this is what they're doing until they're surprised to discover something about this person they didn't know and don't like. Then, they're disappointed and wonder how this happened. But the truth is that they didn't really know the other person hardly at all before they rushed into the relationship.

My grandmother used to use an expression that my cousins and I used to laugh at called "keeping company." It was sort of the equivalent of dating, but maybe a little more serious. This quaint expression meant that two people were interested in one another and romantically involved. Usually, at that point, they would have met each other's families and it was assumed that they were not seeing anyone else. The next step, if there was going to be a next step, would be that they would get engaged.

While I'm not definitely suggesting that we go back to how things were in my grandmother's day when it comes to relationships (there was a lot that was prudish and oppressive), I see certain advantages to people taking their time and dating for a while before they define themselves as a couple.

How long is "a while"? Well, I think it takes at least a year, ideally two years, before you can get to know someone well enough to have some idea if you're compatible. Of course, you might say it could take a lifetime to get to know someone, and I wouldn't disagree with you. Most of us know couples who thought they knew each other well and then after 25 years discover that they don't.

My point is that the purpose of dating is to take the time to get to know each other over a period of time, seeing each other in all kinds of circumstances (not just over candlelight where everyone looks good) and making a decision based on reality and not fantasies.

So, before you hire that U-Haul to move your stuff into the other person's apartment after just a few weeks or months, get to know him or her better. If it's not going to work out, it's better to know in the let's-get-to-know-each-other dating phase than after you call yourselves a couple. If it's going to work out. you'll have built a good foundation for a stable relationship.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services, including talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing for individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Overcoming Codependence: Taking Care of Yourself First

2012-02-04T13:38:00.008-05:00

As a spouse or partner of someone who is actively drinking or drugging, no one has to tell you how difficult life can be. Anxiety about raising your children, paying the bills, and just getting through the day can be an uphill struggle. Trying to decide whether to stay in the relationship or go might be ever present in your mind. Often, one of the biggest challenges is the effect all of this has on your self esteem. When you don't feel good about yourself, you're less likely to take care of yourself in basic ways. Getting proper rest, eating healthy meals, proper grooming, and feeling entitled to emotional support often all go out the window because you're so focused on what new calamity will happen next because of your spouse.

At this point, you might be so wrapped up in over functioning for your spouse that you don't even realize that you're neglecting yourself. All of this can have serious consequences for your physical health and emotional well-being.

At times, especially if codependent patterns are very ingrained, you might not know where to start. How do you change habits that you've formed over a lifetime? It might seem impossible, but thousands of people just like you have learned to turn their lives around through Al-Anon.

Al-Anon is a supportive, nonjudgmental self help environment where people share their hope and experience about what has worked for them in their recovery from codependence. There is no advice giving or preaching. People share the tools of the program in terms of what has been helpful to them. In the spirit of Al-Anon, you can "take what you like and leave the rest," which means you are free to accept or reject either part or all that has been shared. There's also an opportunity for sponsorship for additional support.

In Al-Anon, people don't pretend they have all the answers. Codependent issues might still be a struggle for many, but they are still committed to the Al-Anon process.

As a psychotherapist, I've worked with many spouses and partners of people who have substance abuse problems, and many of them have benefited from the tools they gained in Al-Anon, which is why I usually recommend it. No one can tell you what's right for you in your life. Whether you stay or leave your relationship is up to you. But, whatever you decide, it's important to get the emotional support that you need and deserve so you can take care of yourself first.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I provide psychotherapy services, including talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing to adults. I work with individuals and couples, and I've helped many people to overcome codependency issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?

2012-02-04T05:57:00.010-05:00

Early recovery can be a challenging time for a person struggling with alcoholism and his or her family. Putting the alcohol down is a positive step which, in itself, can be difficult. For many people, who suffer with alcoholism, alcohol represents a "friend" who is always there to comfort and soothe. The thought of giving up drinking can be very scary during the early stages of recovery. But, beyond that, once you've made the decision to stop drinking, you'll need emotional support and the tools of recovery to help you cope with the challenges that most people face when they're newly sober.

So, what are those challenges? Well, to start, once you're newly sober, you might find that drinking might have been a maladaptive way of self medicating depression, anxiety or other emotional problems. Alcohol might have done a "good job" of masking a mood disorder that is now more readily apparent. Early on, when you first experience the discomfort of these feelings, you might be tempted to pick up again. But, before you do, recognize that many people have successfully stopped drinking and have learned new ways of coping with an underlying mood disorder that was masked by excessive drinking.

Psychotherapy with a therapist who has expertise in early recovery can be helpful in dealing with the underlying emotional issues that often come to the surface when you stop drinking. An experienced therapist can help you to learn new coping skills to overcome a mood disorder and face life's challenges as a newly sober person. Beyond psychotherapy, you might need medication for a period of time to help you with the biochemical changes to the brain that alcoholism often causes.

Don't try to go it alone. Aside from psychotherapy, getting social support in Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) or Rational Recovery is often the first best step in getting help to overcome the challenges of early recovery. Meeting other people, who have successfully navigated through the challenges of early recovery and who maintain their sobriety, can feel like a life line. "One Day At A Time" is not just an empty slogan--it's an important coping strategy. Getting phone numbers from A.A. members, reading the literature, attending meetings on a regular basis, and getting a sponsor are all important aspects in recovery.

Once you've stopped drinking, you and your loved ones might need to repair your relationships. Your spouse and children might be very happy that you've put down the alcohol, but they might also have resentments for the emotional damage that has been done by your drinking. Making amends isn't easy, but it's an important part of recovery. It's important to listen to what your family has to say and to take responsibility for your actions. Repairing these relationships begins by listening in an non-defensive way, not making excuses, and then expressing a heartfelt apology. Repair doesn't happen over night. You'll need to regain your family's trust over time. But taking these first steps are crucial.

Beyond that, even though your spouse might have wanted you to get sober, when you do become sober, this is a change for you and your family. Change, even positive change, can be difficult and stressful. For instance, when you were actively drinking, your spouse might have been the one to make major decisions about money or child rearing. But now that you're sober, you want to participate in the decision making. For your spouse, sharing these responsibilities with you now, after years of doing this on her or his own, isn't easy. And you might need to develop certain skills that you missed developing while you were actively drinking.

I usually recommend that spouses of people in alcohol recovery attend Al-Anon to get their own support. It's easy to under estimate the challenges of this stage in a relationship. Developing internal resources, coping skills, learning to overcome codependent behavior, and getting social support are part of what Al-Anon is all about. A relationship is a two-way street. Often, it's easy to point the finger of blame on the person struggling with alcoholism. It's usually harder to see the role of the spouse in this dynamic.

The challenges of early recovery can be difficult but not insurmountable. The rewards that come with living life as a sober person usually outweigh the challenges. A healthy sense of pride, an increase in self esteem, and an overall sense of well-being are among the benefits you can experience when you decide to stop drinking and get healthy.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I provide psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I have worked with many individuals and couples to successfully overcome addictive and codependent behavior.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Psychotherapy - Overcoming Fear of Abandonment - Part 2

2012-02-02T05:19:00.007-05:00

In my blog post yesterday, I began the discussion about fear of abandonment, how common it is, and how it can manifest. In today's blog post I will focus on how I help clients to overcome the fear of being abandoned.

As previously discussed, the fear of being abandoned is often a fear about a trauma that has already occurred, usually in childhood. While it's true that, as adults, many people unconsciously recreate similar relationships in their lives by choosing people who are emotionally unreliable or who are likely to leave them, that's a topic for another blog post. The fear that I'm focusing on in yesterday's and today's posts is of the irrational kind where, objectively, there is no rational reason in the here and now to be afraid.

In terms of working through this fear, there is no quick fix. However, in my professional opinion as a psychotherapist who specializes in working with trauma, there are certain treatment modalities that are usually better than others. Obviously, there is no one-size-fits-all solution but, generally speaking, my experience has been that mind-body oriented psychotherapy is usually more effective than regular talk therapy alone.

When I refer to mind-body psychotherapy, I'm referring to the types of therapies that focus on the mind-body connection. These include clinical hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Focusing, Psychomotor Psychotherapy, Senorimotor Psychotherapy, and so on. When these mind-body oriented treatment modalities are used by a skilled clinician, they tend to be more effective and, generally, work faster than talk therapy alone.

During the first few psychotherapy sessions, I listen to the client's experience of how the fear of abandonment is affecting him in his or her current life. Often, this fear has an adverse effect on his or her current relationship or it might be creating an obstacle with regard to meeting new people. Then, I usually want to get some information about family history, the quality of those relationships and any history of loss or trauma.

From there, I want to assess a client's emotional resources and coping skills before delving into the work. This is especially important when working on trauma. A skilled clinician will want to ensure that a client has the emotional capacity to work on these issues so that the work will not be retraumatizing. If the client doesn't have the emotional capacity to do the work, a responsible therapist focuses on helping the client to develop the emotional resources. For example, this might involve teaching the client to do a self soothing meditation on a safe or relaxing place so that he or she doesn't become emotionally overwhelmed while doing trauma work or between therapy sessions.

Often, during this phase of assessing a client's internal resources, many clients ask, "How long will this take?" In fact, there's usually no way to know in advance. Each client is different. For some clients who have developed emotional resources on their own, the resourcing stage might be relatively short. For instance, if a client already has a regular meditation practice or goes to yoga on a regular basis, more than likely, the resourcing phase will be shorter than for someone who has little in the way of internal resources. Of course, most of us have coping abilities just to get through life. It's more a question of degree and whether attempts at coping are maladaptive.

In any form of psychotherapy, the relationship between the therapist and the client is important. Under optimal circumstances, when it's a good match, the client develops a sense of trust in the therapist over time. Without this sense of trust and safety, there is relatively little good therapeutic work that can be done. This is especially true in cases where clients have a fear of being abandoned. Often, this fear will extend into the relationship with the therapist. Clients will often struggle with their insecurities as to whether it's safe to open up to the therapist, especially if they have a history of feeling abandoned in their early primary relationships.

Assuming that a client is motivated to do the work, sufficiently resourced, and feels safe enough with the therapist to begin doing therapeutic work, then the issue is which treatment modality will work best for a particular client. Each client is obviously unique. What might be less obvious is that certain types are therapy are more effective for a particular client. Assessing this is often more of an art than a science. At times, I might have an intuitive sense of whether, let's say, hypnosis might work better than EMDR for a particular client. Other times, it might be a matter of trying a particular mode and seeing how well it works. It helps to have a range of diverse techniques to choose from so that if one technique is ineffective for a particular client, the clinician can try another.

It's not possible in one blog post to discuss every therapeutic method and how it works. Generally, most forms of mind-body psychotherapy work to help clients overcome the original trauma so that it's no longer affecting them in their circumstances. The advantage of mind-body oriented psychotherapy is that it's not just about developing intellectual insight. While insight is important, it's often not enough to bring about a change or to heal. In my experience, healing is much more likely to occur when there is a more integrative, holistic approach, which Somatic Exiiperiencing, cinical hypnosis, EMDR and other mind-body therapeutic techniques offer.

Working on the original trauma that created the fear of abandonment usually has generalizeable effects. This means that, often, it's not necessary to work on every memory of being abandoned because working on the earliest memory can produce enough of a healing effect to help the client overcome the fear of being abandoned. In some cases, it might be necessary to work through a few of the seminal experiences of trauma to overcome this fear.

It's important to know, especially for people who suffer with a fear of being abandoned, that it's possible to work through this fear to lead a more fulfilling life. When you can live your life without a fear of being abandoned, you're free to experience the happiness you deserve.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I provide psychotherapy services for individual adults and couples, including holistic, mind-body oriented psychotherapy: EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and clinical hypnosis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Psychotherapy: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

2012-02-01T06:05:00.012-05:00

Fear of abandonment as an adults is more common than most people would think. As a psychotherapist in NYC, I've worked with many adult clients who come to therapy to overcome this problem. It's not unusual for clients to seek help for this fear after it has become a serious problem in their personal relationships.

Often, the fear of being abandoned manifests as an irrational fear that his or her partner (or spouse) will leave the relationship. Usually, the client knows, deep down when he's not in the grips of the fear, that there's no objective reason for this anxiety. The relationship is often stable and longstanding, and the partner usually is very reassuring that s/he has no intention of leaving. But, for the person who is overcome by a fear of being abandoned, the objective facts and all of the partner's reassurances have little to no effect on his fear.

On the face of it, it might not make sense--especially to the person who is struggling with this fear. When he is calm and not in the grips of the fear, he can tell his partner, spouse, therapist as well as himself that his relationship is secure and there's no objective reason for this fear. And yet, when he has an episode where he is overcome by the fear of being abandoned, the feeling is very real. It's not unusual for his fearful emotions and his more rational thoughts to be diametrically opposed to each other. In effect, his inner thoughts might be saying,"You're fine. You know she won't leave you" while his anxiety continues to escalate with this fear. All of this can be very unsettling and, in some cases, the person might feel that he's losing his mind.

So, how are we to understand this fear of abandonment in an otherwise sane and rational adult? In most cases, the answer lies in one or more seminal events that occurred at a young age. If, in fact, this person was abandoned, whether it happened literally or in an emotional sense, the trauma of that event (or events) can be triggered in intimate relationships as an adult--even when this person's spouse or partner has given absolutely no indication of abandoning the relationship. So the fear of being abandoned in these cases is actually of fear for what already happened--not a fear for anything that is going on now. But because the fear feels so real in the here and now, it can be an emotionally paralyzing experience. And if it goes on for a while, this person's partner can become annoyed and frustrated that all of his or her reassurances do nothing to mitigate this fear. So, in some cases, it brings about the abandonment that the person fears because it has such a detrimental effect on the relationship.

Over the years, I've worked with many clients to help them overcome the fear of being abandoned. In a future blog post, I'll discuss how the fear of being abandoned can be overcome in psychotherapy.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides a diverse range of services to adult clients, including talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com/.

To set up an appointment for a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Trauma, Dreams and the Healing Power of Somatic Experiencing

2012-01-29T07:49:00.017-05:00

Many people, who know about mind-body psychotherapy, know that Somatic Experiencing is one of the most effective and safest ways to work through traumatic memories. But not everyone knows that Somatic Experiencing is also a very effective form of therapy for doing dreamwork on traumatic dreams.

Usually, when we tell our dreams, we give the narrative and we skim the surface of the emotional content of the dream. Even when I've worked psychoanalytically with dreams, which was my original training, dreams came alive and clients felt healed, but dreams tended to get reduced to various associations related to clients' histories. But using Somatic Experiencing to work through dreams related to trauma, we work the dreams using emotional resources that were not part of the original dream. Rather than reducing dreams to certain limited associations, we reenter the dream using the mind-body connection in a resourceful way and we expand the possibilities for reworking the dream to heal the trauma.

Somatic Experiencing is a gentle therapeutic treatment modality developed by Peter Levine, Ph.D. Whether the therapist is working on a traumatic memory or a dream related to the trauma, Somatic Experiencing emphasizes the need for the client to work through the trauma with emotional resources that s/he probably didn't have during the trauma event or in the nightmare about the trauma. Rather than going directly to the worst part of the trauma memory or the nightmare (called T-0), Somatic Experiencing starts gently with a more benign part, working its way to T-0 with the emotional resources that were missing before.

What do we mean by this? Well, for example, even though we know what actually happened during the traumatic event or in the nightmare and we're not trying to pretend that anything different occurred, working the memory or dream slowly and feeling your emotions in the body in a tolerable way, we experience what it might have been like to have had the emotional resources we needed and didn't have. And we experience this in the here-and-now. For instance, what might it have been like to have a trusted loved one, mentor or pet there? Is there something different you would have liked to do in this memory or dream?

You might ask: What good is that going to do if that's not the way it happened? The answer is, surprisingly, that when you tell your dream or memory in the present tense, but this time experiencing the narrative with emotional resources you needed at the time, you create a new symbolic memory for yourself and this is healing. Of course, you still know what actually happened, but your mind and body experience the healing AS IF it happened the way the dream or memory occurred with these much-needed resources.

I have found Somatic Experiencing to be a gentle and very nuanced way of helping clients work through traumatic memories and nightmares. To find out more about Somatic Experiencing, you can read Peter Levine's latest book, In An Unspoken Voice or his first book, Waking the Tiger. You can also go to the Somatic Experiencing website, which gives a thorough description of this mind-body oriented therapy: www.traumahealing.com.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I am certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy. Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and EMDR are among the treatment modalities that I use in working with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Psychotherapy: You Are Not Your Diagnosis

2012-01-22T01:32:00.005-05:00

As a psychotherapist in NYC, I see many clients who have been in psychotherapy before. People who have a lot of experience with psychotherapy will often start their initial session by saying, "I'm depressed" or "I'm bipolar" or whatever they've been told their diagnosis might be. Whenever I hear this, I often have an internal experience where I feel the weight of this client carrying around this identification and self concept, in some cases, for many years.

Now don't get me wrong: I'm not completely against diagnoses. If you're a person struggling with depression (or some other diagnosis), it's useful to know that. Knowing that there's a name for what you feel and thousands of other people have similar experiences can be comforting and indicates that you're not alone. But taking on a diagnosis as a permanent identity is a different story.

When you say, "I'm depressed" almost like you're saying, "I'm Mary" (if that's your name),it's almost as if you're claiming the symptoms of depression as part of your permanent identity as if it's never going to change. Now, we know that, depression, for instance, can be overcome with treatment, whether it's psychotherapy or the combination of psychotherapy and medication. It's not a permanent part of your identity that can't be changed like, possibly, your ethic background or some other unchangeable part of who you are as a person.

When you strongly identify with and embrace your diagnosis by saying "I'm depressed" as opposed to "I'm a person with depression," you're giving yourself a message that this is who you are and it's not going to change. And the more you say it, the more ingrained it becomes in your mind.

What I'm proposing in this blog post is NOT that people should be in denial about what they're experiencing. Instead, I'm proposing that your relationship to your diagnosis doesn't have to be a permanent one. If the reason you come to therapy is to change, if you're constantly giving yourself the message that you are your diagnosis, it's going to be that much harder to change because you've accepted that this is who you are on the most basic and core level. It's giving yourself the message that you're not going to change.

What I'm discussing, about how people label themselves with diagnoses, is more than semantics. it's a way of thinking and holding onto something that you say you want to change by coming to therapy. So, in a way, the internal message that you're giving yourself contradicts what you're trying to change, so you're at odds with yourself.

It's like the opposite of saying self affirmations. Instead of giving yourself positive messages, you're giving yourself a negative message--over and over, so it becomes part a habitual negative thinking.

This is all aside from the fact that, even though there are diagnostic categories, no two people with depression (or any other diagnosis) are the same. And, of course, you're a whole person who is much more than a diagnosis. So, to limit your self identification to your diagnosis is like putting yourself in a small box. What about all the other wonderful parts of you that aren't related to the diagnosis? It becomes easy to overlook all of those positive aspects when you become overly identified with your diagnosis.

It might take a while to develop this type of awareness about yourself but, in the long run, it's much more affirming to who you are as a complete person, beyond labels.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist with expertise in Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and psychodynamic psychotherapy.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Relationships: What to Do When Your Spouse and Your Parents Don't Get Along

2012-01-21T06:34:00.017-05:00

One of the most challenging problems that you can face as a married person is when your spouse and your parents don't get along. This situation puts you in a very awkward position, especially if you're close to your parents and you really love your spouse. You're caught in the middle between them. It can be very hard to understand why, if your spouse loves you and your parents love you, they can't get along with each other. This can place a strain on your marriage and on your relationship with your parents. Holidays, birthdays, the birth of a child, and family visits can become very stressful for you and everyone involved. So, how do you deal with this and maintain your sanity?

First, as much as you can, step back and try to be objective, as if you were a disinterested person observing this situation. Are there really clear cut reasons why there's animosity? For instance, do your parents dislike your spouse because he or she is mistreating you? If your daughter or son were in a similar relationship, would you feel the same way? Alternatively, are your parents being unreasonable or are they being too intrusive or overstepping boundaries in your relationship, which is stable and healthy? These can be difficult questions to ask, especially since there might be things that you don't want to see about your spouse or your parents.

Recognizing that this is a common problem can help you when you feel alone, desperate, and unsure of what to do. Whenever two or more people get together, there's the potential for personality conflicts. Just because you love your parents and you love your spouse doesn't mean they'll necessarily love each other.

Obviously, one blog post can't address every possible scenario or permutation of this type of problem, but let's take a look at one possible scenario, which is a composite of many accounts with all identifying information changed:

Lorna:

Lorna was in her early 30s when she and Tom got married. They met through friends, and dated for a couple of years before they decided to get married. They were very in love. Lorna had never met a man who was so kind and considerate of her. They had similar values and they wanted similar things in life.

Overall, they were very happy together. But the one big stressor in their lives was that Lorna's parents disapproved of Tom because he was raised in a different religion. Before they even met Tom, when Lorna talked to them about Tom and they found out he was not raised in their religion, they were upset. Although Lorna had anticipated that they might have concerns, she was surprised by their reaction, especially since neither Lorna, her parents or Tom were active participants in their religions.

Lorna was very close to her parents, and she wanted them to like Tom. Before Lorna and Tom got married, it took a while before her parents agreed to meet him. Then, they were cool and standoffish with him, which hurt Lorna and angered Tom. She hoped that once her parents met Tom, they'd let go of their misgivings and embrace him, as Tom's parents embraced her. But it was a strange and awkward dinner at the restaurant, and her parents made an excuse to leave before dessert, leaving no doubt about how they felt.

After that, it was an uphill battle. When Lorna told her parents that she and Tom were getting married in a civil, non-religious ceremony, at first, her parents refused to come, which upset Lorna very much. It also put a strain on her relationship with Tom and led to arguments when she asked him to consider converting to her religion so they could make peace with her family. This made no sense to Tom, since neither he nor Lorna were spiritual people, and he refused to do it.

Two months before the wedding, Lorna's parents relented and, with heavy hearts, they agreed to come to the wedding. After all, Lorna was their only child. But they let it be known, in no uncertain terms, that they felt Lorna was making a big mistake by marrying outside of her faith, and nothing Lorna could say or do would change their minds.

Fast forward a couple of years: Lorna and Tom moved out of state because of their careers. Lorna had just given birth to their first child, a healthy baby boy, and Lorna's parents were coming to visit. The old issue about religion came up again, as Lorna's parents pressed her as to which religion, if any, Lorna and Tom planned to choose for their child.

Lorna dreaded talking to her parents about this, especially since it wasn't important to her or Tom. Once again, it created tension between Lorna and Tom. She tried to convince him, once again, to convert and to raise the baby in her parents' religion. But Tom didn't agree, and he was frustrated that Lorna still couldn't stand up to her parents. And this is what brought Tom and Lorna into marriage counseling. She felt torn between her husband and her parents. She was overjoyed with being a new mother, but this ongoing conflict cast a shadow on everything for her.

During their marriage counseling sessions, Lorna and Tom worked out to be more supportive of one another. Lorna also learned, with a lot of effort, how to make Tom and the baby a priority and to stand up for herself and for Tom with her parents. Once she saw the situation in a clearer way, she felt less conflicted about it. Her parents didn't like what she had to say, but they didn't want to lose their only child, so they accepted the situation reluctantly. After Lorna stood up to her parents, she felt better about herself and it helped to strengthen her marriage.

As I mentioned earlier, the types of conflicts that cause can tension between your spouse and your parents can vary widely. If you find yourself in a situation where you're caught between your spouse and your parents, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional to help you or you and your spouse to work it out.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarothearpy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Mind-Body Psychotherapy: What is Your Body Telling You?

2012-01-20T20:05:00.009-05:00

As a psychotherapist in NYC who is interested in the mind-body connection, I often see clients who want to participate in a mind-body oriented psychotherapy like Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis or EMDR. Often, this is a new experience for clients and they need guidance as to how to tune into their bodies to discover what their bodies are trying to tell them. With some practice, most people can learn to tap into the mind-body connection, which is usually a deeper and more reliable source of inner wisdom than just relying on what we think.

When clients begin to tap into the inner wisdom of their mind-body connection, they're often amazed at what they discover about themselves. To a certain extent, most of us have accessed this connection at some point in our lives. When we say, "I had a 'gut feeling' " about a certain situation, whether we realize or not, we're tapping into our mind-body connection to access our inner emotional world where we often know intuitively what's right for us.

When we learn to use Somatic Experiencing, with practice, we can often tune into internal images, colors, symbols, and meanings that aren't usually available to us in regular "talk therapy." Depending upon what problems clients are coming in to work on, of course, "talk therapy" can be valuable in helping them resolve their issues. However, I usually find that Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, and clinical hypnosis are much more effective in working with trauma than just "talk therapy" alone.

If you're interested in learning more about Somatic Experiencing, I recommend reading either of Peter Levine's books, Waking the Tiger or In An Unspoken Voice. Dr. Levine writes in an interesting and accessible way. You can also go to the Somatic Experiencing website: http://traumahealing.com to get more information.

To find out more about clinical hypnosis, also called hypnotherapy, you can visit the website of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis (ASCH) at http://ASCH.net.

To find out more about EMDR, which was developed in the 1980s by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., you can visit the EMDR website: http://EMDRIA.com.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist with expertise in clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Are Your Workplace Stressors Stressing Out Your Family?

2012-01-20T07:27:00.011-05:00

In my prior two blog posts, I discussed the bullying boss and how to use Square Breathing as one way to destress at work. Now, I'd like to focus on what you can do if your work stressors are having a negative impact on your family because you're coming home feeling irritable, cranky, worried or in a bad mood. Without even realizing it, you could be bringing home your work stress in such a way that, without you even saying a word about your job, your spouse and your children are picking up that you're either angry, worried or frustrated and this might be affecting their moods as well. Of course, this isn't your intention. So, what can you do about it?

There's no one-size-fits-all solution to try to inoculate your family from the detrimental effects of your workplace stress. Of course, managing your own stress is optimal with regard to taking care of yourself and your family. But what about those times when you come home after a stressful day, and you haven't had time to go to the gym or yoga class before coming home. You get home, you're tired and stressed out and the moment you walk in the door, your spouse, your children, and your barking dogs are all vying for your attention. At that point, you might feel so overwhelmed that you're tempted to go right back out the door and keep walking. So, what do you do?

If you're already on your "last nerve," you might lose your temper or do something that you'll regret later. Even if you manage to be responsive to your family, you can still feel overwhelmed and they'll often sense your irritability or anger. Your anger, frustration and irritability often have nothing to do with them. But you might, unintentionally, take it out on them, adversely affecting your relationships.

When clients talk to me about this sort of scenario, I often suggest making an agreement with their families to allow them a certain amount of time to transition from work to home. This can mean different things to different people. It usually starts with your being mindful that you've left your workplace and now you're home. I know that's not as simple as it sounds, especially since you're walking around with the same mind that's feeling anxious or frustrated by workplace stressors. But being mindful of where you are now--at home--is a start. It's bad enough that you might be under a lot of stress at work, you don't need to prolong it by carrying it around with you and bringing it back home.

So, the transition starts in your own mind. Then, make an agreement with your family agree that, barring an emergency, you need some "time out" before you're bombarded with whatever is going on at home. This might mean that you take a calming shower or bath or you spend a few quiet minutes to yourself--or whatever works best for you. The point is that whatever helps you to distinguish, on an emotional level, between when you were at work and where you are now, at home, will allow you to take that space that gets you through the transition.

When you're discussing this "time out" that you need, being specific about the amount of time (15 minutes? a half hour?) is better than giving vague notions about what you need. And don't expect that you or they will get it perfectly the first few times. Habitual patterns are often difficult to change. You might need to tactfully reinforce your agreement with reminders.

Now, you might wonder why, if I started this blog post by discussing how your workplace stress could be affecting your family, I've been focusing on you and not your family. Well, the point is that you need to take care of yourself first before you take care of your family. It's just like when you're on a plane and flight attendants demonstrate safety measures: They always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you put the mask on your child. Why? Because you'll be absolutely no good to your child if you haven't taken care of yourself first. So, the same applies in the workplace vs home situation: Take care of yourself first by destressing and you'll be better able to help your family.

Not only will you be accomplishing your intention of destressing yourself and taking care of your family, you'll also be showing by example that taking care of oneself is important and there are simple and effective ways to do it.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist with expertise in clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing. I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Stressful Workplace? Remember to Breathe

2012-01-20T06:11:00.014-05:00

In my blog post yesterday, I discussed the issues involved with boss who is a bully in the workplace. Today, I'd like to focus on stress management in a stressful work environment. Aside from bullying bosses, there are many other potential stressors that can be detrimental to your health, well being, and your relationships with your loved ones. Knowing what works for you with regard to destressing is crucial when you work in a stressful work environment.

For many people who are fortunate enough to have a job in this long recession, the fear of losing one's job is never far away. Even if you work in the most ideal work environment with the most supportive boss and congenial coworkers, given the economy, the potential for losing your job is a common workplace stressor. I've often heard people these days talk about being extra cautious about taking off sick days. Other people become anxious, when they go on vacation, about what might go wrong with their projects while they're away. Some people have even shortened their vacations because they're too anxious to stay away from the workplace for any length of time. When we look at this in a calmer, more rational way, we can see this is counterproductive. But for someone who fears that something bad could come up while he or she is away, this is a very real dilemma. So, given our current economic times, you can be under a lot of stress even in the most even the ideal workplace setting.

But most people aren't working in ideal workplace settings. They're dealing with difficult or bullying bosses or uncooperative coworkers and a myriad of other workplace stressors. So, no matter what type of workplace you go to every workday, it's essential that you have a stress management regime that works for you. Finding out what works best for you might take some exploration, trial and error, and an openness to trying new things.

One simple thing that anyone can do is to remember to breathe. I know that, on the face of it, this might sound odd. After all, we all have to breathe in order to survive. But many people, without realizing it, hold their breathe for periods of time or they breathe in a way that's so shallow that they're not getting enough oxygen into their systems. Poor breathing habits can cause panic attacks. A steady flow of breathing can help you to discharge stressful energy.

I often recommend to clients that they practice rhythmic breathing where they breathe in to the count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, and then hold out to the count of 4, and then repeat the cycle of a few more times. This is called Square Breathing. The count doesn't so much matter--you can do it to the count of 5 or 6 or whatever feels comfortable that's more than 4. The important thing is to do all breathing in, out, and holding to the same count.

People are often amazed at how calming this can be. And, it's relatively easy so most people can do it fairly easily.

Developing your own ways to destress in a stressful workplace is essential. Square Breathing is one technique that can help.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Career: Are You a Bully at Work?

2012-01-19T03:01:00.018-05:00

When clients come to see me about work stressors, one of the most common complaints I hear is that they work in stressful and negative work environments with bullying managers. In addition to hearing about bullying managers, I also see clients who are in managerial positions who feel frustrated with employees. There's no doubt that managers often have to deal with difficult employees. However, very often, these same managers have no insight into how their negative style of management and communication affects their dynamic with employees.

One of the biggest mistakes managers make with employees is having dictatorial or bullying style of management. Managers who are bullies usually think the only way they can get their employees to work is through intimidation. They create a negative work environment by treating their employees like they're children. Often, they have no awareness or insight that this is what they're doing until we begin discussing in their therapy sessions why their employees seem unmotivated and less effective than employees in other units.

More often than not, their own emotional insecurity is what drives their bullying style of management. They don't feel confident that they can get the best from their employees unless they use their position of authority to try to infantilize their workers. Without a doubt, this creates resentment, which leads to a demoralized and unmotivated staff. Not only is it counterproductive with regard to what the manager is trying to accomplish, at times, in the worst case scenarios, it can lead to lawsuits for the manager and the company in the more egregious cases. It's usually a lose-lose situation.

In the short term, a bullying or negative manager might be able to intimidate employees to do what he or she wants, especially during this protracted recession where there's a shortage of jobs. But, in the long term, bullying and intimidating employees is not an effective way of creating a productive and positive work environment. And, even for the most hard boiled manager, who might not care if the work environment is positive or not, it's usually not effective with regard to advancing his or her own career with senior management if the manager perceived as someone who bullies employees.

So, if this negative and punitive style of management tends to be ineffective in the long run, why do certain managers persist in doing it? Well, there are so many reasons that one blog post is insufficent. But one reason, as I mentioned previously, is that this style usually comes from a deep sense of personal inadequacy. The bullying manager tries to cover up his or her emotional insecurities by trying to intimidate subordinates.

Another reason is that, rather than taking the long view with regard to creating a positive work environment, which requires more of an effort as compared to barking out orders to employees, the bullying manager is short sighted. His or her goals are short term. Rather than focusing on team building, the bullying manager will often engage in "divide and conquer" tactics among employees. These managers often have deep seated fears that creating a team approach would lead to a "mutiny" against him or her.

Lack of the appropriate skill set and inexperience are also contributing factors that contribute to a bullying style of management. Often, the inexperienced or unskilled manager feels that the only thing he or she has to rely on is the managerial title. He or she behaves like the "lord of the manor" engaging in a feudal style of management. Too often, senior management doesn't invest the time, money or effort involved with training these managers. As a result, a bullying manager often relies on the only thing he or she knows when it comes to authority relationships--the parent-child relationship. Of course, this leads to resentment. In the worst case scenarios, it leads to sabotage, both overt and covert.

Bullying managers often have personality disorders where they come across as inconsistent, verbally provocative, unable to manage their anger, engaging in black and white thinking and, in the worst cases, being emotionally unstable. When a personality disorder, like borderline personality or narcissistic personality, is involved, this is a much more serious problem. A manager who lacks expertise in managing employees, theoretically, can go for training. But a manager who has a personality disorder needs professional psychological help. In companies where there are numerous complaints about a bullying manager, senior management will often mandate this manager to seek professional help or risk losing his or her job.

If you have a bullying style of management and training has not been effective in helping you to change, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. If you're motivated to do the personal work required to change, you can work through the underlying issues that contribute to an ineffective, bullying style of management.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Relationships: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex?

2012-01-12T05:52:00.015-05:00

As a NYC psychotherapist who sees both individuals and couples, one of the biggest complaints I hear from people who are in long term relationships is that the passion has gone out of their relationships. Of course, we know that relationships change and that, for instance, a 20 year marriage usually doesn't have the same kind of sexual excitement as when the couple first met. The familiarity of seeing each other every day, dealing with life's ups and downs and settling into daily routines takes away from the early romantic idealization and excitement. After many years, couples need to find new ways to keep their sexual lives interesting. But this isn't what I'm referring to in this blog post. What I'm talking about is the marriage or long term relationship where sex is completely gone. There is no sexual intimacy and the couple are living like roommates or brother and sister.

Why does sexual passion disappear in so many long term relationships and marriages? Well, as you can imagine, there are probably nearly as many "reasons" as there are relationships. Often, when couples come to see me about this problem, one person in the relationship is very unhappy about this and the other is okay with it. To begin with, this in itself is a problem because, for the person who is okay with a sexless relationship (and might even be relieved not to be having sex any more), there's often little motivation to change. The one possible motivation is that he or she doesn't want a breakup.

Some of the more common reasons why couples stop having sex include: unresolved anger and resentment by one or both people, power struggles in the relationship, problems with children, financial struggles, unresolved childhood sexual abuse, infidelity, sexual incompatibility, medical problems, anger about in-laws, and so on.

If the lack of sexual intimacy has gone on for a long time, one or both people might start to question whether there is still a viable relationship and if they should stay together. Of course, there are many things that create a bond between two people in a committed relationship. It's not all about sex. But the lack of any sex is often an indicator that something might have gone awry in the relationship.

If you and your spouse are in a sexless relationship and this is bothering one or both of you, you owe it to yourselves to seek help. Ruling out any medical causes, such as erectile dysfunction (ED)for men or pain during sexual intercourse for women is usually a good place to start. Very often, medical problems can be related to emotional problems, so it's not an either-or situation. But once medical problems have been ruled out, seeking the help of an objective licensed mental health professional, who works with couples, is the next step. An objective professional with expertise in working with couples will have no particular agenda in terms of a couple staying together or breaking up. I mention this because people often think that couples counselors always try to keep couples together. But most couples counselors work to help the couple come up with the best possible solution for the couple, whether this is staying together or working out an amicable separation. The point is not to continue to drift on in a state where one or both people in the relationship are unhappy but do nothing about it.

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples, both heterosexual and gay. I've helped many people to resolve problems, including lack of sexual intimacy, in their relationships, so they can have more fulfilling relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Want to Change? Start By Accepting Yourself As You Are

2012-01-08T10:56:00.018-05:00

The title of this blog post "Want to Change? Start By Accepting Yourself As You Are" might sound counter intuitive. After all, you might say, you can't change and remain as you are at the same time. But, if you think about this for a moment, you might see that this isn't what I mean. The key words in this blog post title is "start by accepting."

But what do we mean when we talk about "accepting" who we are? Does this mean we're complacent and we're not exploring ways to improve? Does "accepting" mean we've given up or we feel hopeless? Not at all! If anything, it's just the opposite! But why?

When we accept ourselves at a certain point in time, we're acknowledging what is. We're not in denial or pretending that things are different. We're not wallowing in self hatred or calling ourselves a "failure" because we're not where we want to be. On the contrary, we're starting at the point where we're saying, "This is where I am right now. I'd like things to be different, and I'll work towards that goal. But, for now, this is where I am."

So, you might ask why it's so important to start by accepting yourself as you are? Well, for one thing, if we want to make changes we need to acknowledge the current situation. Otherwise, how will we know what we're changing from? We need a starting point. Secondly, very often, when we don't start by accepting ourselves as we are, we become so negative about ourselves that we sabotage our own efforts to change. The "voice of negative prediction" starts to haunt us: "You'll never change. You've tried it before and you failed. You'll fail again because you're a failure."

Let's take a common example: As part of their New Year's resolutions, many people make a commitment to lose weight. One of the obstacles that gets in the way is that people who want to lose weight start out by being very self critical about their body image. They berate themselves for being overweight, compare themselves unfavorable to others, and then dwell on all the reasons why they're not going to succeed. This negativity and self criticism sets them up to fail because they get to the point where they say to themselves, "Why bother?"

How much different it is when a person comes from a place of self acceptance. Instead of being self critical and feeling shame and self loathing, they feel nurturing towards themselves. With this positive attitude, they're much more likely to be nurturing towards themselves, thereby increasing the likelihood that they'll stick with their healthy weight loss plan.

Getting to the point of self acceptance can be challenging. Ingrained negative ways of thinking can be hard to change. If you're struggling to make positive changes, but you're stuck in old negative patterns, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping clients overcome these obstacles.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples, and I've helped many clients overcome obstacles to living a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Overcoming Creative Blocks through Clinical Hypnosis

2012-01-08T09:55:00.012-05:00

As a NYC psychotherapist, I often work with artistic clients who are trying to overcome creative blocks. Writers, actors, composers, and artists often struggle with blocks in their creative endeavors. The tendency is usually to struggle and try to push yourself through this phase. Sometimes this works for some people but, often, it backfires because the more you push yourself, the more frustrated you become. And the more frustrated you become with your creative block, the more likely you'll become self critical. The more self critical you are, the less likely you'll be able to overcome your creative block.

We often associate creativity with artists and writers, but we're all creative beings no matter what we do. We use our creativity everyday to problem solve or come up with ideas in our personal lives and at work.

I just finished rereading The Odyssey (Homer). When I read it the first time as a teen, I didn't appreciate it nearly as well as I did this time around. Aside from the fact that my current reading of it was from a much better translation (Fagle), as an adult who has had much more life experience than the teen I was when I read it the first time, I appreciate so much more Odysseus' spirit to survive, his wily nature, and the wonderfully creative solutions he comes up with whenever he encounters life and death situations. His creative nature saved his life as well as the lives of his loved ones.

When we're blocked, for whatever reason, it's hard for us to think "out of the box." We're too stuck to explore and discover new ways to look at a situation or a problem, and we might not know what's keeping us stuck. Maybe it's an unwillingness to look at a situation from a different perspective. Maybe we're in a rut and can't see beyond the immediate circumstances. Often, we don't know why we're creatively block.

Clinical hypnosis, also known as hypnotherapy, can be very helpful in overcoming creative blocks. Hypnosis helps us to access our creativity on an unconscious level. And the best part is that we don't even need to know the reason why our creativity is blocked for hypnosis to work.

If you're experiencing a creative block that you've been unable to overcome on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who is trained in clinical hypnosis.

To find out more about hypnosis, you can go to the professional hypnosis website for the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis: www.ASCH.net.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Relationships: Fear of Rejection

2012-01-07T16:12:00.008-05:00

As a psychotherapist in NYC, I see many people who would like to be in romantic relationships, but their fear of rejection keeps them from getting close to potential partners. It's an emotionally painful place to be--wanting to be in a loving relationship, but too overcome with fear. This ambivalence keeps many people "stuck" and unhappy.

Often, people who fear rejection from potential romantic partners have grown up in families where they were emotionally neglected or abused. Others have chosen romantic partners in the past, unconsciously, who were hurtful to them, and they fear getting hurt again. Their fear often keeps them from socializing, so added to their fear of rejection is a lack of self confidence about interacting with others because they haven't developed the necessary social skills. As a result, when they do make an effort to meet others, they come across as socially awkward and uncomfortable. This, in turn, causes others to feel uncomfortable with them and also, possibly, causes people to shy away from them, which brings about a self fulfilling prophecy.

Psychotherapy can be helpful to break this cycle, which begins with fear of rejection. If you find yourself trapped by your own fear of rejection, you owe it to yourself to work with a psychotherapist who has expertise in this area.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individuals and couples.

I've helped many clients to overcome their fear of rejection.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (212) 726-1006.

Is Fear of Abandonment Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?

2012-01-02T09:13:00.013-05:00

Fear of being abandoned can be a very powerful emotion. When we make decisions, or fail to make decisions, based on fear of abandonment, our emotions can cloud our judgment. Unfortunately, many people stay in unhealthy relationships because they're afraid to be alone. These same people often unconsciously choose unhealthy partners because they want someone who will be dependent on them and who won't leave them.

The following scenario is a fictionalized account of many similar accounts with all identifying information changed:

Tom:

When Tom met Carol, he felt a strong instant attraction to her. Looking back on it years later, he realized that part of this attraction was that he saw her as a "damsel in distress" and himself as the "knight in shining armor" who could rescue her. Carol was attractive, smart and funny. They clicked immediately, and they began dating shortly after they met. Tom knew, even then, that their was something very familiar about Carol, but he wasn't sure at the time what it was.

Almost immediately, Carol revealed that she was living on the edge. She had a good job, but she didn't know how to manage her money. She was behind in her rent and her landlord was threatening to evict her. Her credit card bills were piling up, but she always had a new outfit. In short, her life was a mess, but Tom was sure he could help her.

Within six months, Tom convinced Carol to move in with him. At first, they were both very happy. Tom began managing Carol's money and paying off her bills. When her creditors wouldn't extend her any more credit, Tom placed her name on his credit cards. When she decided to start her own consulting company, he encouraged her to quit her job and he financed her business. He took care of the financial responsibilities so she could focus on the creative aspects of her business.

But after a while, it became evident that Carol wasn't working on her business. Instead, while Tom took on extra projects at work to help support them and finance her business, Carol spent most of her time on the Internet instead of working on her business. She was easily distracted and had many excuses for not doing work, which began to annoy Tom. He tried very hard to get Carol to focus on her business. He even started networking among his friends and colleagues to try to drum up new business, which he was successful in doing. He hoped that by showing Carol that these efforts produced results, she would become motivated herself. But although she appreciated his help, she continued to make excuses for not making more of an effort. Worse still, Tom's colleagues began complaining to him that Carol wasn't following through on their projects.

After a while, Tom felt that he was making all the effort to support them, keep their apartment tidy, and advance Carol's business, and she was making almost no effort. He felt resentful and angry. They began to argue. Then, in exasperation, Tom suggested that they seek professional help, but Carol refused to go. So, Tom went on his own.

It didn't take long for Tom and his therapist to draw parallels between his relationship with Carol and his earlier relationship with his mother, who was a severe alcoholic and nearly always in crisis. At a young age, Tom took on many adult responsibilities, especially after his father left the family. By the time he was a teenager, his mother was almost completely dependent on him. It was not unusual for Tom to help his mother walk home from the bar, help her to get into bed, and then cook and tend to his younger siblings.

Tom's biggest fear back then was that something bad would happen to his mother, something that, even with all his efforts, he couldn't prevent. Given the severity of his mother's drinking, this wasn't an irrational fear. Somehow, through Herculean efforts, he managed to take care of his mother and younger siblings, work part time and get good grades in high school. He was often exhausted, but he was determined to do whatever he could to rescue his mother and his brothers and sisters.

Shortly after he graduated college, his mother got into a fatal car accident while she was in a drunken stupor. In the past, Tom had always managed to hide the car keys from his mother. But on this particular day, he forgot and left them in plain sight. After he left the house, his mother found the keys, went out for a drive alone and crashed the car into a pole. For years after that, Tom blamed himself with many "if onlys." His worse fear came true and he felt he didn't do enough to prevent it.

When he began dating, he tended to choose women who "needed" him. These relationships usually ended in a lot of emotional pain and frustration, and he usually blamed himself for not doing enough. He hated being alone, and he'd usually get involved again fairly soon to avoid feelings of loneliness.

Now that he was in therapy, Bob had to confront his fear of being abandoned and the codependent dynamic in his relationship with Carol. He began attending Al-Anon for additional support. And he and Carol started couples therapy. With much hard work, both individually and as a couple, they changed the dynamic in their relationship. Carol took on more responsibilities, and Bob learned how not to over-function for Carol. Over time, he also worked through his childhood trauma and his fear of being abandoned.

Fear of abandonment can bring about many unwanted consequences in relationships. Many codependent relationships are based on fear of abandonment.

If you suspect that you might be suffering from fear of abandonment, you owe it to yourself to get professional help.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individual adults and couples.

I've helped many individuals and couples overcome their fear of abandonment so they could lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Friendships: Losing a Friend After Giving Advice

2012-01-02T07:40:00.007-05:00

One of the wonderful things about close friendships is the mutual emotional support you provide to each other. Recently, a personal acquaintance told me how she lost her best friend after giving her advice, and she gave me permission to use her story, if I change her name, because she felt it might benefit others. Over the years, I've heard many versions of this story, and I've come to realize how common it is.

Yvonne (not her real name):

Yvonne and Sally were best friends since high school. They grew up in the same town, got married to their high school sweethearts with a couple of months of each other, and they continued to live close by even after they got married. They saw each other frequently, spending time with each other together as well as with their husbands. Over the years, they shared their secrets, hopes and dreams with each other. They thought of each other as sisters.

It was not unusual for Yvonne and Sally to ask each other for advice. So, Yvonne thought nothing of it when Sally came over for coffee one day and told her that she needed Yvonne's advice. Sally told Yvonne that she suspected that her husband might be having an affair with his secretary. At first, Yvonne thought Sally was joking. Everyone thought that Sally and Bob were the happiest couple in town. But when Yvonne realized that Sally was serious, she got over her initial shock and listened attentively to what Sally had to say. Sally told Yvonne about all the telltale signs of Bob's infidelity: staying out late after work, sexually the provocative text messages on Bob's phone that Sally found when she became suspicious and searched his cell phone, and the sudden lack of sexual interest that Bob was showing for her. They had been planning a vacation to Hawaii for months and now, suddenly, Bob wasn't sure if he wanted to go. As Sally told Yvonne all of this, she lowered her head and began to cry. She asked Yvonne, "I've been thinking about confronting Bob about this. What do you think should do?"

Yvonne told me that, at this point, her mouth had gone dry, and she hardly knew what to say. She had never seen Sally so upset in all the years they'd been friends. Her heart went out to Sally, and she wanted to help her. So, after a few moments of silence in which she composed herself, she told Sally she thought she should confront Bob. When Yvonne told me this part of the story, she said, "I would do anything now to take back those words."

A few days later, Sally came to see Yvonne. Sally looked like she hadn't slept in days. Her eyes were red and puffy with dark circles and she looked exhausted. Yvonne was shocked to see Sally in such a state. After they sat down with cups of coffee, Sally told her that she confronted Bob. At first, he denied it. Then, after arguing about it for a few days, he admitted everything: He and his secretary were having an affair and he had no intention of giving it up. He felt ashamed, but he was also relieved because he hated lying to Sally. At first, he thought his affair was only a passing thing. But after Sally confronted him about the affair, he had time to think about it. Before she confronted him, he said, he was going to break it off. But his arguments with Sally forced him to think about it more, and he realized that he was really in love with his secretary and he wanted to marry her. He apologized profusely to Sally, and then he asked her for a divorce.

As Yvonne sat there in stunned silence, Sally told her she couldn't help feeling that if she had not taken Yvonne's advice, Bob might have broken off his affair and all of this would have blown over. Maybe they would've had a chance to save their marriage. But now she felt everything was lost. Bob moved out the day before to live with his new girlfriend, and he told her they should sell their house. Then, taking no responsibility for her own decision to confront Bob, Sally told Yvonne that she felt Yvonne's advice ruined her marriage and she wanted nothing to do with her ever again. And, with that, Sally walked out, leaving Yvonne in tears.

By the time Yvonne told me this story, five years had passed. True to her word, Sally wanted nothing to do with Yvonne. She ignored Yvonne's phone calls and email, and she refused to open the door when Yvonne tried to see her. In a few months after their last conversation, Sally sold her home and moved out of state. Yvonne never heard from her again.

Hindsight is 20/20, and Yvonne had important insights over time. She came to see that, even though they were in their 30s, her friendship with Sally was somewhat adolescent and enmeshed. At the time, when Sally asked Yvonne for advice, Yvonne didn't have enough distance, due to their enmeshment, to stop and think about it before she gave advice. She said that, if she could do it all over again, she would've told Sally that she couldn't advise her what to do and Sally should seek the help of someone impartial, like a mental health professional. She realized that, under most circumstances, no one can tell a friend what to do about his or her marriage.

Although time had passed and Yvonne was over the initial stage of hurt and anger for Sally blaming her and ending the friendship, she said she will never forget the important, painful lesson she learned. As I mentioned earlier, I've heard variations of this story many times. It can be a very painful lesson to learn that, even when a close friend asks for this type of advice, giving them advice about their marriage or relationship can backfire.

More importantly, we can never know what's right for another person's relationship. Even most experienced therapists don't give advice--they help clients to come to conclusions that are right for the individual clients.

So, the next time a friend seeks personal advice about serious problems in his or her relationship, unless you fear for your friend's physical safety, rather than risking the friendship, provide a comforting ear and a sounding board, but resist telling your friend what to do. Suggest that your friend seek professional help fro a licensed psychotherapist so your friend can figure out what's best for him or herself.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com/.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Infidelity on Social Media Sites

2012-01-02T00:13:00.011-05:00

Infidelity that starts on social media sites is growing at an alarming rate. It starts out innocently enough: Former high school sweethearts discover each other on the social media site, Facebook. They're both married to other people now. They "friend" each other on Facebook. At first, they only contact each other occasionally. Then, over time the frequency grows. Before long, they're sending direct messages to each other everyday. Fantasies of what "might've been" also grow. Then, they meet for a drink, and before you know, they're having an affair. In most cases, neither person intended to have an affair, but corresponding on social media sites, which are great for staying in touch, make it easy for affairs to blossom and grow.

More and more, I'm hearing from clients in my psychotherapy private practice about these affairs that start on social media sites, like Facebook and other sites. Both the people who are cheating and the people being cheated on are in distress about how these encounters online are ruining their relationships.

Wives and husbands are shocked to find pictures posted online on other people's Facebook sites showing their spouses romantically involved with someone else. Often, these pictures are hard to explain away by the spouse having the affair. Often, the spouse who's cheating is just as shocked to discover that the "other woman" or "other man" would be so indiscrete as to post these pictures online for millions of people to see, including the unsuspecting spouse.

Many of these romantic encounters remain online fantasies without any physical contact. Clients who are involved with an ex in this way often try to say that the lack of physical contact means that it's not cheating. But if these online encounters are taking time and energy away from your marriage or primary relationship, it IS cheating.

In a long-term relationship, it's easy to become bored. Seeing your ex's picture and remembering the ideal romantic times with your ex can be very seductive. It's easy to imagine how much happier you'd be with your ex and get carried away.

If you find yourself on this slippery slope and you want to save your relationship, you need to start by admitting that you've made a mistake--no matter how innocently it began. Of course, it would be better to have the foresight to be honest with yourself and your ex and not start down the slippery slope at all. But if you're already involved, whether strictly online or if it's progressed to a sexual affair, take responsibility for your actions. Be aware that there are, potentially, at least three or more people who could get hurt in this situation.

Above all, whoever you are in this type of situation, get help. It can be one of the most difficult times in your life as you try to sort this out. If you're the person having "secret" contact with an ex, even if you feel sure you were "meant to be" with your ex, you'll need the objective help of a licensed mental health professional to work this out. Things are not always as they seem. Many people who felt sure they wanted to leave their marriages for an ex become sorely disillusioned when the reality of the new relationship doesn't meet the fantasy.

If you're the spouse of the person cheating online, this can be a devastating time. Infidelity often breaks up marriages--but not always. Before you make any rash decisions you owe it to yourself and your marriage to consider carefully what you want to do. A professional mental health practitioner who deals with these issues should never try to steer you in one direction or the other. His or her role is to help you determine what's best for you.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I've worked with many clients, on an individual basis as well as in couples therapy, to deal with online infidelity and other forms of infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Al-Anon: Beyond Reciting Slogans

2012-01-01T14:14:00.017-05:00

I've referred many clients to Al-Anon over the years. Many of them were either in relationships with alcoholics (both active and recovered) or they grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional families. Although Al-Anon was developed for loved ones of alcoholics, you don't need to be effected by alcoholism, per se, to benefit from Al-Anon. The 12 Steps and basic concepts of Al-Anon can be beneficial to anyone who tends to get into codependent relationships or who comes from a highly dysfunctional family. We now know that many dysfunctional families have dynamics that are similar to families where there is alcoholism.

Often, when people begin attending Al-Anon, once they get over their discomfort of being in a group, they feel so relieved to meet other people who understand their situation from the inside out. They feel that other people "get" them in ways that even close friends and family might not. This can be such an eye-opening and wonderful experience.

During the Al-Anon recovery process, people go through various stages, which aren't usually linear. One stage is reading the literature and learning the Al-Anon slogans, which can be so helpful, especially in times of crisis. They can be like life rafts in a stormy sea--something to hold onto so we don't drown in our own emotion storm. Working the 12 Steps, preferably with an experienced sponsor, is another part of the process in recovery.

The 12 Steps and the Al-Anon slogans can be mined for depths of meaning that might not be apparent at first. Often, the Steps and slogans are "worked" from surface to depth. As we continue to work with them and personalize them, we find new depths of meaning. This takes a lot of personal work. It's similar to the difference between "reciting" a prayer or poem from memory versus really allowing the meaning to sink in and to own it in our hearts.

At times, people who attend Al-Anon are either unwilling or unable to get to this deeper level of exploration and personal ownership of the 12 Steps and the Al-Anon slogans. As a result, the Steps and slogans remain somewhat shallow for them, as compared to what they could be with some soul searching.

At best, they get much needed emotional support, but they don't derive the full benefit of the wisdom of Al-Anon in terms of their own personal development. At worst, they use the slogans in a distorted way, sometimes to justify their own misguided behavior. For instance, someone could use the concept of "focusing on myself" in a distorted way to, unknowingly, excuse their own selfish behavior. Of course, it's not unusual to go from being masochistic to being selfish as a person grapples to find a balance. But, ideally, this is a temporary stage in recovery, not a place to land permanently.

I encourage healthy sponsorship for clients that I refer to Al-Anon. I think the support of a wise sponsor can enhance the Al-Anon experience. There's also a place to explore Al-Anon issues in psychotherapy with a psychotherapist who has experience helping clients with codependency issues.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individuals and couples using EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing. I have helped many clients in their 12 Step recovery to enhance the 12 Step concepts to strengthen their personal development.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (212) 726-1006.

When Our Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected

2012-01-01T13:21:00.006-05:00

Making amends is an important part of our relationships. All of the 12 Step programs stress the importance of making amends as part of the recovery process. But there are times when attempting to make amends can do more harm than good to you and others. There are also times when our efforts to make amends might be rejected. A rejection to heartfelt efforts to be forgiven can be very painful.

Often, it takes a lot of soul searching and courage to say, "I'm sorry" to people we have hurt. This process of soul searching can take us to the depths of our feelings where we might have avoided going for many years. So, when we humble ourselves and summon the courage to make amends, naturally, we hope to be forgiven.

Under favorable circumstances, this can be a healing process for both people. But not always. Sometimes, our process and what might be good for us might not be good for the other person. We can't always know what the other person is going through, especially if a lot of time has gone by. Our attempts to make amends might come at a bad time for them. Or accepting our apology might be more than they can deal with at that point in time--or ever. It's not for us to judge.

All we can do when we make amends is to extend the "olive branch." And we must do so without expectations, which can be very difficult. No matter what we're hoping for by making amends, we must accept the other person's freedom to choose what's best for him or her. That means not trying to convince, control or bargain with this other person. To do so would only take away from our effort to make amends. It also devalues the other person's right to determine what's best for him or her.

If our sincere apology is rejected, in order to preserve our own sense of well being, we must take an attitude of acceptance, knowing that we've forgiven ourselves, or we're on the road to forgiving ourselves, regardless of what the other person does. Beyond that, we must make a commitment to ourselves that we won't offend in this way again.

All of this is part of our healing and recovery. Others might not join us in our journey, and a healthy attitude of acceptance is something to strive for in these circumstances. Whether we are part of a recovery community or not, we can benefit from the support of friends, family, and loved ones.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

2012-01-01T10:25:00.017-05:00

Over the years, I've discovered that there seems to be a lot of confusion about the difference between forgiving and forgetting. Naturally, there are times when they go together, especially when we have a minor disagreement with someone and it's not worth it to remember what happened. But what about when there's a major betrayal or trauma? What does it mean under those circumstances to "forget"?

As with many circumstances, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Every situation is different and no one can tell you what's right for you. But are there times when it would be beneficial not to "forget" what happened? Given the confusion that this topic seems to elicit, I think this question is worth exploring.

First of all, let's discuss what it means to forgive someone. Forgiveness doesn't always happen all at once. Forgiveness often happens in stages. We must first have the willingness to forgive, even before we actually forgive. From that willingness usually comes the ability to forgive.

But why forgive at all? First and foremost, in my opinion, we forgive to let go of toxic feelings that only serve to eat away at us inside. Depending upon the circumstances, it might take a long time to let go of anger and resentment. When the problem involves abuse or other forms of trauma, it's not unusual for it to be a long process. This is normal, and we shouldn't feel ashamed because we or others think it should take less time.

When we forgive, we have a choice of whether we reconcile with the other person or not. This leads to whether or not we should forget and continue to have this person in our lives. Again, there are no hard and fast rules about this, but self preservation, emotional, physical, and spiritual, must come first. If forgetting means that this person continues to abuse or hurt us, then we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to be aware and use good judgment, which means not forgetting the incident(s). It means keeping ourselves safe by not going into denial about what happened and that it's likely to happen again.

Now, I understand that people do change and turn their lives around. Someone who has been abusive could change and stop their abusive behavior. But it's often a long, difficult road, and often this behavior doesn't change. So, you have to evaluate your situation in as an objective way as possible before you decide to forget about the abusive behavior, especially if it's been an ongoing pattern.

Does this mean that this person isn't really sorry at the point when he or she says so? Not at all. There is often genuine remorse. The problem is that remorse alone, while important, isn't enough to change a person's behavior, especially where there are ingrained behaviors.

When forgetting means keeping you in harm's way, it's a form of self destructive behavior. To get back to our original question about forgiving and forgetting, under circumstances when abusive behavior (of any kind) is likely to continue, forgiving is definitely different from forgetting. To forget what has been an ongoing pattern would lull us into a false sense of security--to our detriment.

Knowing when to forget as well as forgive can be tricky, especially when it involves people that we love. Our own loving feelings towards this person can cloud our judgment so that we only see what we want to see. Under those circumstances, it's usually better to seek the advice of a trusted and impartial friend or family member.

One thing I'd like to clarify is that by "not forgetting" I don't mean that we strive to keep our emotional wounds open and foremost in our minds. What I DO mean is that, while we don't turn a blind eye to what has happened and what might continue to occur, we strive to heal and find whatever meaning there is to find in our circumstances, and we continue to develop and grow.

Forgiving and forgetting is a complex topic and we've only begun to touch the surface, but I hope I've provided, at least, some food for thought and helped anyone struggling with this issue so he or she doesn't feel guilty about "not forgetting" when to do so would be self destructive.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com/.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

A Search for a Meaningful Life

2012-01-01T03:20:00.015-05:00

I'm rereading the book, Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankel. Frankel was a psychoanalyst and holocaust survivor. He developed the existential form of psychotherapy called logotherapy. The book recounts his experiences and the experiences of other inmates in Nazi concentration camps.

The basic premise of the book and of logotherapy is that life is primarily a quest for meaning, and the primary task for one's life is to seek out what is meaningful. Frankl saw three potential areas where a person could find meaning in his or her life: work (doing something significant, whether it is paid work or voluntary work), love (caring for someone else), and courage during difficult times. He posits that suffering in itself is meaningless. What gives it meaning is how we respond to it. According to Frankl, in many cases, we cannot always control what happens to us. But we can control how we deal with it.

In his experiences as a concentration camp inmate, he witnessed that the inmates most likely to survive were those who had the inner resources and found meaning in their lives, despite the cruel and inhumane circumstances. He recounts many examples of people who willed themselves to live, against formidable odds, by keeping an internal focus on seeing loved ones again or thoughts of resuming work that was meaningful to them.

Frankl thought of his wife, not knowing if she was alive or dead, picturing her face and imagining what she would say to him. Even though he was stripped of all possessions and nearly starved to death, he held onto his conviction that all material possessions and comfort was taken from him, but he maintained the freedom of his mind, his thoughts, and the inherent value of life itself.

One of the most prevalent problems of our times is that people find life meaningless. Generally, as a society, we have more leisure time than our ancestors ever dreamed possible. Yet, so many people don't know what to do with their time, which isn't meaningful to them. They're bored and fill their time with meaningless activities or engage in addictions.

One of the biggest triggers for alcohol and drug abuse is boredom and a feeling that life is meaningless. The alcohol or drugs (or compulsive gambling, overspending, or sexual addiction) gives a temporary reprieve from boredom and a sense of meaninglessness. In many cases, it temporarily obliterates the feelings of hollowness. But once the feelings of being drunk or high wear off, at best, the person with substance abuse problems is back where he or she started. At worst, the substances themselves add to their misery in terms of increasing their depressed mood, causing misery for their loved ones, and financial ruin.

It's no wonder that so many people with substance abuse problems find hope and inspiration in 12 Step meetings like A.A. or N.A. For many of them, possibly for the first time, they see the possibility of leading meaningful lives and a purpose greater than themselves, whether they call this purpose "God," "higher power," or a deep commitment to their lives and the lives of their loved ones. This can be a revelatory experience.

Everyday we're faced with obstacles, sometimes small, sometimes life threatening. How we respond to those circumstances and the meaning we find, whether it's spiritual or not, can make the difference in how we transcend our difficulties.

Transcending our difficulties with a sense of meaning and purpose doesn't necessarily mean we're going to be "happy." In Western culture, especially in the US, "the pursuit of happiness" is is a much sought after goal--so much so that when people aren't feeling happy, many of them think there's something wrong with them. But happiness can be fleeting and transitory. We can't always feel happy. But we can try to find meaning, as Frankl did, in even the most dire circumstances.

One of the exercises that Frankl gives his clients is to imagine themselves at the end of their lives talking about what was most meaningful in their lives. Even clients who were very depressed found meaningful aspects of their lives. It also gave them an opportunity to think about how short life is and what changes they might want to make so their life would be more meaningful.

At times, we might need help to overcome the emotional obstacles that keep us from finding meaning and purpose in our lives. A licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients to transcend trauma and emotional diificulties can help clients to find or reconnect with purpose in their lives. Viktor Frankl was an exceptional psychoanalyst and human being. He seemed to have very strong internal resources that helped him survive and succeed. Most of us are not Viktor Frankls, but he points the way to what's possible and to what we can aspire.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individuals and couples to help them overcome emotional obstacles so they can lead meaningful lives.

I provide EMDR, clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing as well as psychodynamic psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

The Challenge of Keeping New Year's Resolutions

2011-12-31T17:49:00.008-05:00

The New Year is usually the time when people take stock and make resolutions to change or improve their lives. Whether this involves losing weight, smoking cessation, or improved time management, most people start out with sincere motivation to change. But research has shown that, often within a few months, most of us become discouraged and abandon our resolutions. Often, people make the same resolutions every year--only to give up by March or April.

So, if people usually start out with such high hopes and determination, why do they give up on their resolutions in such a relatively short period of time? Well, it's obvious that there's no one answer for everyone. For some people, the resolutions are either too vague or poorly defined. For others, their resolutions are things they think they "should" be doing, but the resolutions aren't really what they want. And, for others, there are unconscious underlying reasons that keep tripping them up. Unaware of these reasons, they keep looking for external obstacles for their difficulties in keeping their resolutions.

For example, weight loss, which is one of the most common New Year's resolutions, is very challenging for many people. Often, the underlying unconscious intention for overeating is to feel loved, especially in families where food symbolized nurturing. The intention, to feel loved, is a positive intention. But the way it's being expressed, by overeating, has negative consequences, weight gain and, possibly, poor health. If the person who wants to lose weight is unaware of these underlying intentions, he or she will continue to struggle with this resolution. Even if someone is aware that food symbolizes love, s/he might not know how to have this need fulfilled in a more positive way.

For people who have struggled year after year with the same resolutions, rather than feeling discouraged, consulting with a psychotherapist to overcome these obstacles can help them to achieve their goals in a healthier way. A licensed psychotherapist, who has experience with helping people to discover their underlying obstacles, and to set and achieve goals, can help clients to overcome longstanding impediments to their happiness.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individual adults and couples. I have helped many clients to overcome obstacles so they can lead meaningful and fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006.

Psychotherapy and Spirituality

2011-12-24T05:07:00.015-05:00

During this holiday season, amid the noise and haste, it's the time of year when many people search for meaning and purpose in their lives . Some people approach these questions through their spiritual practice. Others consult with psychotherapists. And many use both their spiritual practice and their psychotherapy sessions to explore these important questions. Psychotherapy and spirituality approach these existential questions in different ways . And yet, there is significant overlap between psychotherapy and spiritual questions.

People usually go to psychotherapists when they're in emotional pain. It might be an immediate crisis, a longstanding problem, grief, loss or trauma that brings them to a psychotherapist office. Whatever the initial problem might be, often, questions about the meaning and purpose of their lives becomes a part of the treatment. Most people want to feel they're leading meaningful lives, and when they're in emotional crisis, doubts and fears can arise about the direction of their lives. If they're in a particularly difficult life transition, they might question their goals and priorities. The loss of a loved one can test their faith in themselves, humankind, and their God or Higher Power.

Psychotherapy and spirituality both address these issues. As a psychotherapist, I help clients to navigate through these complex and vital questions. As I see it, part of the psychotherapist's job is to help clients to search for and find meaning in their lives. Just living from day to day without purpose or meaning isn't satisfying for most people. Yet, finding purpose and meaning can be elusive. Although emotional crisis can throw us off balance, it can also open us up to new possibilities, including transitions that help us define who we are as individuals and who we want to be.

When I refer to spirituality, I use that term in its broadest sense. For some people, spirituality means a formal religion. For others, it might be the sense of transcendence they feel in nature, music, art, their A.A. meetings or the love they feel for their families or for humankind. However you define spirituality, what all of these things have in common is they give us a sense that there's something greater than ourselves that we're responding to and from which we feel nurtured.

As I see it, it doesn't matter how each of us defines our particular spirituality because, however we see it, the root of it is the same. A purpose-filled life is a life with meaning, hope and direction. It provides us with an internal compass to help us during troubled times. As a psychotherapist, I often help people to find or reclaim their purpose in life. Many clients come to me to explore transpersonal questions in their lives. For some, they're searching for a way to express their yearning for spirituality that might be different from what they might have grown up with as children. Or, they might want to reclaim the spirituality they grew up with, but explore their beliefs as adults with an adult understanding to spiritual questions. As a psychotherapist who is not a minister or spiritual leader, my job isn't to lead them in any particular spiritual direction. Rather, my job as a psychotherapist, is to help them to find the answers within themselves, whatever they might be.

During the early days of Freudian psychoanalysis, in my opinion, a false dichotomy developed between psychotherapy and spirituality. I think that was very unfortunate. However, more and more, psychotherapists who work in a more client-centered, contemporary way are seeing that there is significant overlap between psychotherapy and spirituality. A holistic approach to psychotherapy includes an understanding that mind, body and spirit come together in each person, even though they are expressed in many different ways and on different paths.

I believe psychotherapists can be instrumental in helping clients find meaning and purpose in their lives. Psychotherapists can also learn a great deal by listening to clients as they explore these existential questions.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individuals and couples. My approach is holistic, and I emphasize the mind-body connection. I provide psychotherapeutic services, including psychodynamic psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, EMDR, hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

You can also visit my site on Contemplative Psychotherapy:

http://contemplativepsychotherapy.net/therapist.cfm/Josephine--Ferraro--LCSW.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Relationships: Expressing Gratitude to Our Loved Ones

2011-12-11T11:50:00.007-05:00

As a marriage and couples counselor in NYC, one of the most common complaints I hear from people in relationships is that they feel unappreciated by their spouses or partners. They talk about how they feel taken for granted because their partners don't express their gratitude for the many big and little things they do. This occurs in many relationships, especially long-term relationships.

It's easy to see how this can occur over time. When we're dating, we're on our best behavior. The relationship is new and exciting. We're learning new things all the time about the other person. We're more likely, at that point, to express gratitude and appreciation. But as time goes on and we settle into a long-term relationship and our lives become somewhat more routine, we often forget the kindness and gratitude we expressed early on. Often, it's not even that we don't feel grateful--it's more that we forget to say it.

During couples counseling, when one of the people in the relationship raises this issue, the other person will usually say, "Of course, I'm grateful for everything she does. But why do I need to say it? She should know.". And, while it's true that the partner might know on some level, it's important to actually say it. We usually express gratitude to other people in our lives. Why wouldn't we express gratitude to the person we care about most?

It takes so little time and effort to let our loved ones know that who they are to us and the things they do are meaningful to us. Taking this time to express gratitude can make such a difference to your spouse and to the well-being of your relationship.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: josephineferrarotherapy.com

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Relationships: Sexual Attraction vs Love

2011-12-09T20:31:00.014-05:00

During the early stage of a romantic relationship, many people confuse sexual attraction for being in love. Sexual attraction can be so strong during the initial part of a dating relationship that you can get swept away by the power of these feelings and believe yourself to be in love. This is certainly not to say that you can't be both sexually attracted and also genuinely love someone. But the point is that, whereas sexual attraction can occur in a second, mature love develops over time.

Often, people start a relationship based on the heady feelings of sexual attraction--believing that they love each other. This isn't a solid foundation for a relationship. When the sexual passion begins to wear off a little, these people often find they either have little in common or that their feelings aren't strong enough to sustain the inevitable ups and downs of a mature relationship.

It takes time to get to know one another. I often tell individual clients and couples that it can take at least two years of dating to get to know each other well enough to know if you're compatible enough to be in a relationship. It's right around that time that the initial heady, sexual attraction decreases somewhat (as compared to the initial passion). So, being aware of this, it makes sense to take your time to get to know one another.

Over time, you learn to distinguish what might only be lust from love.

This helps you to avoid making life plans with someone you don't really love and the disappointment you might feel when the sexual attraction begins to wane.

Sexual attractions can be fun. Often, love can develop from these sexual attractions. We can't always know in advance when this will occur. There are also many couples who develop deep feelings of mature love who also maintain the passion in their relationships. This is a wonderful thing! Many other couples need to make more of an effort to maintain that sexual passion, but that's a subject for another blog post.

The point is that, early on, we want to be aware that strong feelings for someone at the beginning are not the basis for a committed relationship. Be patient and allow things to develop and unfold before making a commitment. In the long run, you'll be glad that you took your time.

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Perfection vs "Good Enough"

2011-12-09T19:05:00.012-05:00

Are you a perfectionist? Do you stress yourself out trying to do things perfectly? Do you feel like you've "failed" unless the things you do are 100% what you think they should be? Are you imposing these perfectionist standards on your loved ones? If you've said "yes" to these questions, it would probably be helpful for you to stop and consider what's driving you to have such perfectionistic standards for yourself and others before you exhaust yourself and alienate your loved ones.

If you tend to be a perfectionist, you might want to stop and ask yourself what's causing you to strive for such unrealistic standards. For some people, a deep sense of inadequacy can drive them relentlessly to push for higher and higher standards--no matter what the issue is or the cost.

But in certain situations "good enough" is more than adequate without driving yourself crazy. Of course, everyone has their own ideas about what's "good enough." If you're a perfectionist, only perfection might be "good enough." When you're trying to change this pattern, it will take a lot of practice and, possibly, a reality check from people you trust to let you know if you're still pushing yourself for perfection.

Often, a need to be "perfect" hides a sense of "I'm not good enough." Once you stop trying to be perfect, some of these feelings of inadequacy might come to the surface. This is usually difficult to overcome on your own. If you're struggling with being a perfectionist, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you overcome these deep seated issues.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me (212) 726-1006.

Recovery: Staying Sober During the Holidays

2011-12-07T05:00:00.010-05:00

Maintaining your recovery during the holiday season can be challenging. Holiday parties and family gatherings often include alcoholic beverages. Also, the stress of the holidays can be trigger cravings to drink. But with some forethought and planning, you can help ensure that you continue along a positive path in your recovery.

If you're aware that you're going to be facing situations where you'll be tempted to drink and compromise your sobriety, you can plan for these situations by being more diligent in your recovery efforts. During the holiday season, it's a good idea to attend extra Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, even if you have many years of sobriety. It's easy to become complacent during this time of year by underestimating the challenges and overestimating your ability to overcome temptations to drink. Also, maintaining regular contact with your sponsor during the holidays can help you to avoid relapsing. It's often a good idea to "bookend" a challenging event, like a party where alcohol will be served, by planning in advance to speak to your sponsor before and after the event. Knowing that you'll have extra support can help you avoid picking up a drink.

It's also important to be aware that "stinking thinking" can creep up on you during the holidays. An example of "stinking thinking" is when you tell yourself, "I can handle just one drink." This is also a form of denial. When we want to convince ourselves that we can handle situations that are, in reality, beyond our control, it's easy to lull ourselves into a false sense of reality. Being aware in advance of this possibility, you can avoid falling into this trap.

But what if, despite your best efforts, you relapse? Is everything lost? The answer, in most cases is a resounding "no." Rather than engaging in "black and white" or "all or nothing" thinking, make positive efforts to get back on track. By getting in touch with your sponsor, attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, or calling someone from the A.A. meeting list, you can get yourself back on track and avoid having your relapse turn into a protracted slide.

By being aware, admitting to yourself that holiday season can be challenging to your recovery, and taking positive action to maintain your recovery, you help to ensure that you'll have a safe and more satisfying holiday.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com/.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Stress Management During the Holidays

2011-12-06T04:12:00.008-05:00

Often, along with the joy of the holiday season also comes stress. It's not surprising, given all the demands of holiday time, that people often feel emotionally overwhelmed at this time of year. Shopping, entertaining, and attending holiday parties can take an emotional toll. But with some foresight and planning, you can learn to manage the stress of the holidays and actually enjoy this time of year.

Knowing that the holiday season can be a stressful and emotional time and taking some preventive steps can help you from getting overwhelmed. If you've had losses, like a death of a loved one, a breakup or loved ones are far away, it's normal to feel sad. Throughout the holiday season we're given explicit and implicit messages that we "should" be happy. So, if we're having a difficult time, we can feel out of step with the rest of the world at this time. It might seem that everyone else is enjoying the holidays and we're stuck in a funk. But it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are, whether this means crying or expressing your feelings to a friend or loved one.

If you're alone during the holiday season, you can have a sense of community at a religious or community gathering. If you're not religious or spiritual, you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, hospital or nursing home. Often, when we volunteer to help those less fortunate than ourselves, we not only help others--we also feel a sense of gratitude for what we do have in our lives, even if we're having a difficult time.

If you're fortunate enough to have good friends and family around, remember that the holidays don't have to be perfect. When we have good memories of the holidays from childhood, sometimes our current experiences can feel flat as compared to those earlier times. But we must acknowledge that things change. Rather than holding onto unrealistic expectations for the holidays, appreciate the people who are in your life now. Let go of unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. This will go a long way to helping prevent disappointments or misunderstandings.

When it comes to spending for the holidays, many people are scaling back what they would normally spend. If you budget ahead of time and stick to your budget, you'll avoid the stress of big credit card bills after the holidays. Time well spent with loved ones or a homemade gift is so much more meaningful than exceeding your budget with an expensive gift.

Planning your time well can also help alleviate stress during the holidays. Once again, be realistic about what you can do. It's okay to tactfully say "no" to others when you know you'll be overextending yourself beyond what you can do.

It's also important to take breathers during the holiday season. Rather than pushing yourself beyond your physical or emotional limits, take breaks during the day. A few minutes of mindfulness meditation or just closing your eyes and breathing can make the difference between your getting through the holidays feeling emotionally and physically in tact and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I provide psychotherapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing therapy services in my private practice in Manhattan. I work with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website: josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Mindful Eating During the Holidays

2011-12-05T06:46:00.008-05:00

The holiday season can be a challenging time for managing stress and overeating. In this blog post, I'll be focusing on how to eat mindfully and avoid overeating.

One of the reasons that we tend to overeat during the holidays is that there's so often much more food around us during this time. If we work in an office, there are office parties with cakes, cookies, chips and many other types of high caloric foods. Family gatherings also have many of the same types of calorie-laden foods. It's so easy to fill up our plates and gorge ourselves on heaps of food without even realizing. Whether we're stuffing ourselves out of anxiety, loneliness or other uncomfortable emotions or we're distracted by our conversations with others, it's very easy to overeat without realizing it. Considering that we can often attend several parties, dinners or other social gatherings over the holidays, we can end up gaining a lot of weight around the holidays.

So what's the answer? Should we avoid all social gatherings until the holidays are over? Should we starve ourselves and avoid eating until the holidays are over? Clearly, these aren't practical strategies. So what should we do? One viable strategy is to eat mindfully.

What do we mean by "mindful eating"? Well, mindful eating means eating with awareness. Rather than being distracted while we eat or zoned out, we deliberately choose what and how much we're eating and thoroughly enjoy it. Rather than completely depriving ourselves, which often leads to overeating when we feel too deprived, we carefully choose our food, appreciating the color, texture, aroma, and all the other sensual aspects of the food. When we place the food in our mouths, we enjoy the taste and feel of the food, slowing down to thoroughly appreciate everything about it. If there are certain "trigger" foods that we know will lead to our overeating, we make conscious choices about these foods. So, for one person, having one potato chip often leads to eating 50. To another person, having one piece of chocolate could mean eating half a box. We have to be honest with ourselves and aware of our eating patterns. If we know that we tend to overeat certain foods and we're more vulnerable to do so over the holidays, we might decide to avoid those foods and substitute others in their place.

The other factor to keep in mind is that the holidays are about more than food and overeating. If we're fortunate, the holidays are about getting together with loved ones, remembering those who are less fortunate than ourselves and the spiritual significance of the holidays if that's meaningful to you. So, rather than focusing on food, it's more meaningful to focus on the meaning of the particular holiday. Even if you're alone for the holidays and you're not part of an organized religion, you can have a meaningful experience for yourself and make the holiday brighter for others by volunteering your time over the holidays. This could mean joining a carolling group at a local hospital, serving food at a local homeless drop-in center, visiting a home bound elderly neighbor, or countless other volunteer activities that are available to you over the holidays and throughout the year. Participating in any of these activities has the potential to expand our
awareness of the meaning of the holidays.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist. As part of my therapeutic work with individuals and couples, I use mindfulness techniques.

To find out more about me, visit my website: josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

The Healing Power of Clinical Hypnosis

2011-12-04T11:12:00.006-05:00

As a hypnotherapist in NYC, I have worked with many clients who have come for smoking cessation, trauma, phobias, and creative endeavors of all kinds. Hypnotherapy is often successful because it works on a much deeper level than talk therapy. Clinical hypnosis helps you to access your unconscious mind where you can make changes on a much deeper level.

When you are in a hypnotic trance, you're in a state of dual awareness: You're in a relaxed state and aware of everything around you at the same time. You're in control. If you needed to, at any time, you could come out of the hypnotic trance.

One of the things that's interesting about hypnosis is that, often, when you make one change in your life, it often leads to an upward spiral in other areas of your life.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about hypnosis, visit the ASCH website: asch.net .

To find out more about me, visit my website:
http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.
To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Relationships: Knowing When to Stay and When to End It

2011-11-26T16:14:00.013-05:00

Knowing when to stay and try to work things out versus when to end a relationship can be challenging, especially when there have been longstanding problems. Often, people feel they've invested so much in the relationship that they want to do everything they can before giving up. But, for many of these relationships, both people feel they've exhausted their internal resources and they don't know what to do to make things better. They might flounder for months or years in an emotional stalemate.

Many people decide that even though the relationship no longer works for either of them, they will stay together for the sake of the children. This rarely works. I've had many adults clients tell me in their psychotherapy sessions that they wish their parents had divorced rather than staying together for the sake of the family. Usually, they say that they and their siblings sensed that something was wrong between their parents, even though the parents thought they were hiding it well. This creates a great deal of tension in the household with the parents attempting to keep their problems a secret and the children feeling confused about what they're sensing.

There are those people who tend to want to escape from relationships when things get rough. Often, they haven't learned the necessary skills to stick with it and work through normal, everyday problems. Most of the time, these people didn't grow up in families where they saw good communication and problem solving modeled so they're at loss about what to do. Other people are on the other end of the spectrum: They don't know when the relationship has run its course. They keep trying to salvage the relationship, even when nothing works any more. In some cases, they fear being alone. In other cases, they don't want to feel they've "failed" in their relationship. There can be so many reasons.

Knowing when to stay or when to go can be daunting. It can take a lot of soul searching on your part as well as open and honest communication between you and your partner. Needless to say, if you're going to try to work things out, both people must be willing to make the effort.

When you and your partner aren't sure if the relationship can be salvaged, you could benefit from seeing a couples counselor. An experienced couples counselor, who is objective, can help you and your partner sort through the current emotional stalemate to either work things out or end the relationship in an amicable way.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who sees individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006.

Relationships: The Power to Say When You've Made a Mistake

2011-11-26T15:14:00.010-05:00

Many relationships would benefit if one or both people could admit that they made a mistake, make amends for the mistake, and then move on. Instead too many couples end up having long drawn out arguments where nothing gets resolved and both people end up feeling resentful. These are the kind of arguments that tend to erode relationships and often lead to their demise.

Many people feel that to admit a mistake is a sign of weakness. This might be due to messages they received from their family when they were growing up. But, in fact, to be able to admit you're wrong or, at least, that you had a part in creating the problem takes strength and a certain amount of faith that your spouse or partner will forgive you.

We all make mistakes at one time or another. That's what makes us human. Rather than get caught up in an endless cycle of making excuses or deflecting the blame, it's better for you and your relationship to acknowledge your error, apologize, and make amends.

When you're able to admit that you've made a mistake, you also make it easier for your partner to do the same. Rather than getting into power struggles, you can both rely on the sense of integrity that you each feel towards each other and the relationship to carry you through the difficulties that come in any relationship.

If you and your spouse have gotten to the point where you can no longer resolve arguments on your own, you might benefit from couples counseling. An experienced couples counselor can help you to improve communication between you and restore a healthier dynamic in your relationship.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006.

Relationships: When Expressing Your Feelings Turns into Verbal Abuse

2011-11-23T21:53:00.007-05:00

Often couples who have problems communicating with each other make the mistake of believing that expressing their feelings means they can say whatever they want, in whatever tone or volume all in the name of "being honest." This distortion in reasoning often leads to an escalation in arguments and more misunderstandings.

As a psychotherapist and couples counselor in NYC, have heard people say over and over again, "I was just expressing my feelings" as a way to rationalize abusive verbal behavior. Often, the underlying intent of this "honesty", whether the person realizes it or not, is to hurt or one-up the other person.

If you stop to think about what you're about to say before you say it, you can catch yourself before you become mean spirited with your spouse or partner. There's no reason for honesty to come with a sledge hammer. It's often better to take the time to cool down and come back to the discussion later rather than saying something rash in the heat of the moment. Then, you can focus on what you're really trying to communicate rather than getting side tracked because you're too angry to think straight.

Learning effective communication skills with your spouse or partner takes practice. If you find yourself falling into the same pitfalls, you might benefit from couples counseling.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com/.

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006.

Home for the Holidays

2011-11-23T13:21:00.007-05:00

Being with family for the holidays can be challenging for many people. We see images of happy families in ads, TV programs, and movies, which can leave us feeling that something is wrong with us or our families if our family doesn't measure up to these happy images. However, the holidays can be very stressful, especially if we have unrealistic expectations of our familiies or ourselves.

Rather than putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and your family, here are a few tips to help you during these holiday get togethers:

Try to keep the day light. Steer clear of topics that might be contentious or that could cretate tension. This is not the time to debate politics if you know the discussion will become heated.

Try to have reasonable expectations of friends and family. If Uncle Bob tends to be grouchy at family gatherings, there's no reason to expect that his personality will change this year.

Watch your alcohol intake. Alcohol tends to amplify emotions and if you drink excessively, you might find yourself saying and doing things at the family gathering that you might regret.

Don't take the bait if a relative becomes difficult. Try not to personalize his or her behavior.

If you know in advance that a family gathering will be difficult, "book end" the visit by planning in advance to talk to a trusted friend or loved one before and after the visit so you feel supported.

Do keep in mind the meaning of the holiday. So, for instance, Thanksgiving is a day to acknowledge all that we have to be grateful for.

Do consider, if you haven't done so already, that you can create your own meaningful rituals for yourself and your loved ones.

Wishing everyone happy and healthy holidays.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://josephineferrarotherapy.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006.

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-23T05:46:00.013-05:00

Thanksgiving is a time to get together with family and friends to celebrate and express gratitude for all that we have in our lives. Even when we're going through rough times, we can usually find simple things in our lives that we can feel grateful for.

Keeping a gratitude journal where we keep track of the daily blessings in our lives can help to shift our perspective from one of pessimism to a more optimistic point of view. Taking the time to write down even two or three things we're grateful for each day can help us to notice positive things that we might otherwise take for granted.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy and safe Thanksgiving.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephineferrarotherapy.com/.

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006.

"Dialog in the Dark"

2011-10-10T14:24:00.011-04:00

I recently attended an exhibit at the NYC South Street Seaport called "Dialog in the Dark" where for 45 minutes or so you go through the exhibit experiencing what it's like to be blind.

Of course, 45 minutes of experiencing blindness could never approximate the actual experience of being blind. But this exhibit does an amazing job, giving you a sense of what it's like.

Before you enter the exhibit, you are shown various videos about blindness and you are instructed on how to use a cane. Then, you enter into a waiting area where your blind guide, who will be leading you through the exhibit, greets you. Our guide was a wonderfully patient and upbeat man, Kerry. From the sound of our voices, he was able to identify each of the seven of us.

Then, the lights dimmed slowly and we found ourselves in total darkness. It was so dark that you can't even see your own hand in front of you--let alone the person who might be ahead or behind you. Using our canes, we listened for Kerry's voice as he directed us to move forward through an open door. He assured us that he knew every inch of the exhibit and that there was nothing to worry about--he would help us get through it.

The feeling of being totally blind and dependent upon a blind guide was surreal. Using our other senses--hearing, touch, smell--along with Kerry's help and our canes, we navigated our way through various "places," including Central Park, Fairway grocery store, the NYC subway, Times Square, and a cafe.

Although your rational mind might know that you're really in any of these "places", the exhibit is so true to life that your emotional mind and your imagination put you in those places. The "subway" felt particularly real with the sounds and motion of a moving train.

It's amazing how you can lose your sense of time when you're in total darkness and you're focusing so deeply on just trying to get from Point A to Point B.

To get a sense of what it's like to get around NYC as a blind person is truly an unforgettable experience that all adults should try. I won't give away all of the experiences in the exhibit because I highly recommend that you experience it for yourself. But one of the unique things that all of us experienced was that, by the time we were almost through the exhibit, we were each using some internal sense beyond our ordinary senses to navigate around.

Afterwards, Kerry sat with us in the "cafe" and answered questions. He told us about his own experience of losing his sight when he was a teenager. Amazingly, he was very positive and upbeat with a jovial sense of humor. We were all quite moved by him. From the reviews that I've read, there are 16 blind guides who have been trained for the NYC exhibit and it has been said that all of them are excellent.

At the end of the exhibit, the lights come back on again slowly. We were all grateful for our sight and we came away with a new appreciation for how challenging it is to get around NYC as a blind person.

If you're concerned about your safety, you're told before you enter the exhibit that they have special cameras throughout the exhibited where people are watching--just in case someone falls down or gets in trouble. But Kerry told us that thousands of people have come to the NYC exhibit as well as their exhibits around the world, and they have yet to have an incident.

This exhibit was developed by Andreas Heinecke, a German journalist and filmmaker. He was awarded the Ashoka Fellowship Award for his work as a social entrepreneur. In his 2008 TED talk, he talked about what inspired him to develop this exhibit.

To find out more about "Dialog in the Dark" and their various exhibits around the world, go to their website: http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.com.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

World Mental Health Day: Octboer 10, 2011

2011-10-10T14:00:00.004-04:00

Today is World Mental Health Day. World Mental Health Day is focused on creating public awareness about mental health issues around the world. The theme this year is "Investing in Mental Health".

According to the World Health Organization, many poor countries spend less than 2% on mental health. This includes war torn countries where people are severely traumatized so that people who need help badly are without resources.

To find out more about World Mental Health Day, go to the World Health Organization (WHO) website:
http://www.WHO.org.

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist in NYC.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Relationships: Moving Beyond the "Blame Game"

2011-10-10T12:22:00.019-04:00

As a psychotherapist in NYC who sees individuals and couples, I see many clients who get stuck in their relationships because they can't move beyond the "blame game."

What is the "Blame Game"?
What I"m referring to when I discuss the "blame game" is a dynamic in a relationship where the two people involved are so busy blaming each other and deflecting attention from their own behavior in the relationship that they end up getting caught in an endless cycle of arguments where nothing is resolved. Getting caught up in the "blame game" doesn't allow you to really listen to your partner and understand what he and she is trying to tell you and, if both people are doing this, communication suffers. This type of dynamic often becomes habitual in relationships so that, no matter what the argument is, this dynamic plays out in a destructive way.

The first step in overcoming the "blame game" dynamic is becoming aware that this is the a style of communication that you're caught in. Both people have to be willing to develop awareness of this dysfunctional way of communicating and be willing to change it.

The following short fictionalized vignettes are examples of this "blame game" communication cycle:

Mary and Joe:
Mary can't stand it when Joe leaves his dirty plate on the counter instead of putting it in the sink. They've had countless arguments about this. She can't understand why Joe doesn't just put the dish in the sink. When she sees the dish, she calls out to Joe, who is in the living room watching TV, "How many times have I told you not to leave dirty dishes on the counter!" Inwardly, Joe feels embarrassed that he hasn't broken out of this habit, but he's annoyed that Mary is taking a superior tone with him, so rather than saying this, he shouts back sarcastically, "Oh yeah, right--like you're such a great housekeeper." From there the argument escalates to the point where Mary and Joe stop talking for a few days, and the issue remains unresolved.

Bob and Nick:
Bob opened the American Express bill and felt a jolt in his stomach when he saw the amount owed. Just last month, he and Nick had agreed to cut back on their expenses because they were living beyond their means and Bob's position as an adjunct professor was not secure. Bob approached Nick with the credit card bill and said, "We've talked about this before--we've got to cut back on our expenses. Look at this bill." Nick took a look at the bill and noticed that they both had charged bigl ticket items, "Well, I see that you've run up the bill as much as I have, so don't blame me." Bob responded, "But you know that I had extra expenses last month and everything that's on there was necessary." Feeling increasingly annoyed, Nick snapped back, "Are you saying that your needs are more important than mine?" From there, the conversation spiraled down. Instead of having a constructive conversation about how they can work together to deal with the problem, neither of them listened to each other and each one continued to blame the other.

Susan and Betty:
Susan and Betty are expecting Susan's parents for the holidays. They both find her parents difficult to deal with. Instead of discussing how they can work together to deal with this holiday stressor, they get into an argument as soon as Betty sees the email from Susan's parents about when they plan to arrive. Betty puts on a long face when she reads the email and says, "I really wish your parents would stay home this year. Can't you make some excuse so they don't come?" Feeling defensive, Susan says, "I know they're annoying, but they're still my parents. And you don't help the situation by sulking when they're around." Betty responds, "Well, why don't you do something about it? It's your fault--you allow them to come each year." From there, rather than discussing the situation openly and trying to come up with a solution that would be mutually agreeable, they end up pointing fingers at one another.

In the three scenarios above, we see that each person is so busy accusing the other person and defending him or herself that the issue isn't addressed directly. Instead, they get caught up in blaming one another and they move further and further away from trying to work out the problem.

Very often, in longstanding relationships, couples have a long history of engaging in this type of dynamic and they can bring up other unrelated and hurtful things to get back at their partner. If this goes on long enough, it becomes the predominant pattern for communicating--to the point where each person dreads bringing up issues, knowing that the discussion will devolve quickly.

One of the principles of fair fighting in a relationship is that each person speak from their own experience rather than blaming the other person. So, for instance, in the scenario between Susan and Betty, rather than responding to Susan's parents' email by making a face and blaming Susan, Betty could have found a quiet, calm time to speak with Susan to tell her that her parents' visits make her uncomfortable and she's anticipating that there will be problems. Since Betty would be speaking from her own experience, Susan is less likely to get defensive. She might even feel free to admit that her parents can be difficult. From there, they could talk about what they would like to do, with each of them listening to what the other has to say.

There are times when the "blame game" pattern of communicating is so ingrained in a relationship that it's too difficult for the couple to change on their own. They might need the help of a couples or marriage counselor to help them to overcome this problem.

If you and your partner are caught up in the "blame game," acknowledge that this is what's happening in your relationship and have a heart-to-heart talk about how this is adversely affecting your relationship. If you can't work it out on your own, seek the help of a licensed mental health professional who works with couples before it's too late.

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and SE therapist in NYC. I work with individuals and couples. I have helped many couples to overcome the "blame game" dynamic in their relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com/.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Friendships: When to Give Advice and When to Refrain

2011-09-17T16:36:00.010-04:00

As adults, we've all been in the position, at one time or another, when we hear from a friend who is upset about a personal situation or a situation at work. It is sometimes difficult to know when our friends just need a sounding board, when we should give advice and when we should refrain from giving advice.

For most of us, our natural inclination is to try to help our friends, if we can. When a friend is upset, it's especially tempting to rush in with advice because we want to relieve the friend's suffering or offer comfort. But, without realizing it, we might be stepping into a very tricky situation, especially if the friend is calling about problems in his or her relationship. Although there are no hard and fast rules about this, there are some steps that we can take to ensure that, in the long run, we don't end up causing resentment later on or even ruining the friendship.

The first step that we can follow, after we have listened empathically to our friend's problems, is to ask what he or she is looking for from us. This might sound so simple, but in a situation where someone close to us is upset, it's easy to forget and lose sight of this. Now, you might say that if your friend is calling you and he or she is upset, of course, your friend is looking for advice. But this isn't always the case, and if you rush in, you might discover that you've misunderstood and you're not at all on your friend's wavelength.

By asking, we're letting our friend know that we want to be helpful in a way that is meaningful to him or her. We're not making any assumptions about what our friend needs or wants--no matter how long we've been friends or how well we think we know the friend. In a moment of upset, our friend might not be able to say what he or she needs, but this question can help him or her to clarify and organize his or her thoughts to be able to reflect on what's needed at that point.

If what's needed is for you to be a sounding board and nothing else, then your friend is letting you know that he or she just wants to vent and advice is not being sought. If your friend is looking for advice, if you choose to give advice, which can be tricky, there are tactful ways to approach this. Most important of all, we can never assume that we know exactly what might be right for our friends. So, it's usually better to frame whatever you say by first saying that this is what you would do if you were in this situation (assuming that you have an opinion about it), and this may or may not be what is best for your friend. By saying this, you're letting your friend know that you're not assuming that you know what's right for him or her. You're also putting the responsibility for the decision back with your friend, where it belongs. But even this can be tricky. When a friend is calling about relationship problems, it can be especially tricky.

The following fictionalized account illustrates a common scenario where a friend calls for advice:

Susan and Pat:
Susan and Pat were close friends for several years. Pat was in a rocky relationship with Jim for the last two years. Usually, Susan avoided getting caught up in giving Pat advice because she knew that Pat wasn't ready to leave her relationship with Jim, no matter how much Pat complained about it. But on this particular day, without realizing it, Susan got caught up in Pat's emotions. Pat was calling for the third time in two weeks to say that Jim was verbally abusive and he wouldn't listen to her when she tried to discuss this with him. Usually, he would walk out and not call her for several days. Then, they would get back together as if nothing had happened.

As Susan listened to Pat crying on the phone, she felt exasperated. It really bothered her to see Pat in so much emotional pain. Before she realized what she was doing, Susan began telling Pat, "You've got to get out of this relationship! He's making you so unhappy. This keeps happening over and over again. He's not going to change." Pat responded by saying that Susan was probably right and, soon after that, she ended the conversation.

After that call, Susan didn't hear from Pat in several days, which was unusual. She left Pat a few messages, but she didn't hear back from her, and Susan began getting concerned. When she finally reached Pat, Pat was terse and aloof with her. At first, Susan couldn't understand what was going on with her friend. When Pat tried to get off the phone quickly, Susan asked Pat if she was angry with her.

Pat was silent for a moment, and then she said that she didn't think they could continue to be friends any more because she felt that Susan didn't like Jim. Susan was stunned and speechless for a moment, still not understanding what was going on. Then, Pat reminded Susan about the advice that she had given Pat about leaving Jim. Pat said, "I just couldn't believe that you would say that to me, knowing how much Jim and I love each other. I thought you were my friend, but I feel like you betrayed me. When I told Jim what you said, he got really mad and he said he didn't think you were much of a friend to me. And, you know, Susan, I have to agree with him." And with that, Pat hung up, leaving Susan feeling shocked and hurt.

The scenario above is a common occurrence. In the heat of the moment, a friend calls in distress and complains about a boyfriend. Afterwards, especially if this friend is caught in a dysfunctional pattern, she reverts back to her habitual way of being in her relationship. She might even feel guilty for complaining about her boyfriend. Then, she thinks about the conversation where her friend tells her to leave the relationship, and she feels angry with her friend. Let's say, she's no longer in her upset state. She has already reconciled with her boyfriend. At that point, it's easy to blame her friend and feel betrayed rather than reflecting on the dysfunctional cycle that she keeps getting caught in with her boyfriend. I've seen this happen so many times.

In situations like this, you could understand how someone like Susan might feel exasperated, especially after listening to her friend complain over and over again. But, rather than react, it's better to step back after listening and ask your friend how you can be supportive. And if your friend is caught in a dysfunctional cycle and you know that by allowing her to vent to you, she just lets off steam and gets right back into the same cycle, the best thing that you might do is to let her or him know that you're not a professional, and it might be better for your friend to seek professional help with a licensed psychotherapist. Not only might this stop the cycle of her complaining to you and then just going right back into the same dysfunctional situation, but by getting professional

It's not always easy to know what to do when friends call on us for help, but by taking a moment to reflect on the situation and asking a friend what he or she needs from us, we can avoid crossing boundaries with our friends that could ruin a friendship.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Coping with the Empty Nest Syndrome

2011-09-17T14:07:00.009-04:00

Many parents are facing what is typically called the Empty Nest syndrome during this time of year when the last of their children go away to college. With some forethought and planning, the sadness that is usually associated with the empty nest syndrome can be avoided or, at least, minimized.

What is the Empty Nest Syndrome?
Typically, the empty nest syndrome occurs when the last of the last of the parents' children leave the household, whether it is to attend college or to go out and live on their own. This transition can be especially difficult if parents have been almost exclusively focused on their children to the detriment of their relationship with each other. Suddenly, after 18 or 20 years of focusing on their children, they are faced with questions and, possibly, doubts about what to do with their lives and how to interact with one another now that it's only the two of them in the household.

Not everyone goes through the empty nest syndrome. For many people who have maintained good relationships with their spouses, their own friends, and outside interests, when their children leave, they see it as a time when they can have more freedom and independence. They might decide to spend more time traveling or engaging in other activities that they couldn't do when they had to take care of their children.

How to Cope with the Empty Nest Syndome:
Planning ahead can be very helpful so that you don't suddenly feel like you're adrift. If you know that your youngest child will be moving out in the next year or so, speak to your spouse about how this change will affect your lives. It might be a good time to rekindle your relationship with a romantic getaway, or maybe you'd like to make changes to your home now that your last child has moved out. It might also be a time to mourn that your former familiar routines with your children, whether it involved taking them to soccer practice or dance classes as you take time to reinvent your life with your spouse.

Honest communication with your spouse is the key to navigating through this unfamiliar and challenging time.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Relationships: The Joy and Challenge of Vacations

2011-07-23T15:22:00.007-04:00

Summertime is here, and it's the time for many people to go away on vacation. Most people look forward to going on vacation and couples often look upon it as a time to relax, rekindle their relationship, and take a break from the normal routine. But as relaxing as a vacation can be together, it can also present some challenges. With some forethought and pre-planning, some of these challenges and stressors can be avoided.

When we plan vacations with our spouses or partners, we often don't take into account that, as individuals, we respond differently outside of our normal routine. Even though many people complain that they feel like they're in a rut in their regular routine, that routine often provides a sense of structure and security. Without realizing it, at times, when we're outside of our regular routine and habits, it can be stressful. But for other people, it's an opportunity to thrive on novelty. So, if you're part of a couple where you thrive on having new experiences but your spouse likes the same-old-same-old, you could find yourself at odds with each other.

I hear many couples complain that one of them is the planner and the other one just wants to wing it. The planner might be reading travel guides a year in advance and going online to get the best travel deals, while the person who wants to wing it couldn't care less. Often, the complaint from the planners is that they feel like they're doing all the work while the person who isn't a planner reaps the benefits without contributing to the effort. The complaint from the people who like to wing it is that they feel badgered by the planners, and they couldn't care less to look at a travel guide until they reach their destination (if even then).

My suggestion to both types of people is to try to lighten up. Usually, the planner enjoys doing the planning and getting a sense that he or she is immersed in vacation locale long before they even arrive. So, for planners, enjoy the process and try not to be disappointed if your spouse isn't as enthusiastic as you are. For the people who like to wing it, I recommend that you show some appreciation and interest for the work that the planner is doing. You can tactfully let him or her know that while you appreciate it, it's not your thing. But I think it would be a good idea to make up for this in other ways. Maybe you take care of other aspects of the trip or you make reservations at your spouse's favorite restaurants while you're away.

You might have to deal with other compromises during your vacation, including whether you want to visit your family or your spouse's family while away, whether or not to take the children, what type of hotel you go to, and how much time to spend in different places. Be willing to negotiate and compromise.

Remember that the purpose of the vacation is to spend time together, relax and reconnect with each other romantically. So, plan on having time together to rekindle your relationship. Also, be open to being spontaneous sometimes. Sometimes, an unplanned walk off the beaten track can bring the unexpected pleasure and joy of discovering new people and places.

Another factor on vacations is that some people like to rise early and see all the sights while others view the vacation as a time to sleep later and rest. If you haven't talked about it beforehand, one or both of you might feel irritable and disappointed.

Although vacations are meant to be relaxing, they can also be stressful. Traveling by plane has become more complicated and stressful than it used to be. There are departure delays. The seating might be tight. There might be missing luggage when you get to the other end. Many people can take this in stride as a part of modern travel but, for others, it can test their patience to the breaking point.

Before you travel, it's good to know what kind of traveler you and your spouse each tend to be and talk about this and plan for it beforehand. For example, you might come to an agreement beforehand about how you'll spend your time. If you're an early bird who likes to beat the crowd to the local museums on your vacation, but your spouse would rather sleep late, rather than dragging your spouse out of bed to go somewhere where he or she doesn't want to go or arguing about it, agree in advance that each of you might want to spend the morning doing different things. You can agree to meet afterwards for a romantic seaside brunch.

If you know in advance that you each have different styles and preferences when you go on vacation and you discuss this in advance, you're more likely to enjoy your time together.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist and couples counselor. I have helped many individuals and couples of overcome obstacles so that they could lead more fulfilling lives.

Aside from talk therapy, I also provide hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferrraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Small Wonders All Around Us

2011-07-23T14:36:00.005-04:00

Small Wonders All Around Us If We Take the Time to Notice:
When I stop to notice, I'm often surprised and delighted at the small wonders that are all around us. Recently, I was crossing the street, on my way to the subway, when I noticed a mother and her small son stop to pick up something in the street. The mother reached down and picked up what looked to me, at first, like a very pretty, orange, transparent piece of paper. But when I looked closer, I saw that it wasn't a piece of paper at all--it was a beautiful butterfly that had been lying in the middle of the street for some unknown reason.

As the mother gently picked it up by its wings and placed it carefully in the palm of her hand, the butterfly remained motionless. I feared that it had been run over by a car, and might have been dead. The little boy peered at the motionless body of the butterfly as the mother said, "Let's let it rest here" as she put it gently on a plant leaf in a nearby garden. Suddenly, the motionless butterfly came back to life, as if it had been temporarily stunned, spread her beautiful wings and flew away.

It was such a simple thing, and yet I felt my spirit lifted as I watched the butterfly revive and fly away. I felt so grateful to the woman who noticed it, picked it up, and rested it gently on the leaf until it could revive itself. It really made my day. The mother and her son were also delighted.

A few months ago, I was on my way to yoga class early on a Saturday morning when, from the corner of my eye, I noticed something floating in the air. I was passing a local Greek Eastern Orthodox church and against the background of the church's dark stone structure, I saw a beautiful, small, white, diaphanous silky strip of cloth come spiraling down in the air. I couldn't imagine where this silky strip of cloth could have come from. Then, suddenly, I saw a sparrow fly over and, without skipping a beat, like poetry in motion, she clasped the beautiful strip in her mouth and flew up to her nearby nest that she was building. It all happened in a matter of seconds. I stood there for a moment, delighted and grateful to watch this magical sight. Had I walked by a moment or two before or after, I would have missed it.

So often, there are small wonders all around us if we're open to seeing them.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist in NYC.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Creative Imagination and Dream Work for Writers

2011-07-23T13:18:00.007-04:00

In my prior blog post, I wrote a post entitled, "Working with Dreams to Develop Your Creative Imagination" (http://www.psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2011/07/working-with-dreams-to-develop-your.html).

Creative Imagination, Dream Incubation, and Dream Work to Overcome Creative Blocks:
In this blog post, I will focus on how creative imagination and dream work can be a source of inspiration for writers. As I've mentioned before, among the clients that I work with in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, I work with writers, actors, musicians, composers, and other people who are in the creative arts. In any creative endeavor, it's not unusual to develop a creative block that gets in the way of doing the work. Dream incubation and the subsequent dream work that is possible from incubated dreams is often very helpful for writers who are experiencing creative blocks or at an impasse in their work.

For instance, if a writer is struggling with a particular character or a scene in a story, he or she can incubate a dream to overcome this impasse. As I mentioned in prior blog posts, to incubate a dream, you can either give yourself a suggestion before going to sleep that you want to have a dream to overcome this impasse or you can work with a psychoanalytically trained psychotherapist who is trained in Embodied Imagination dream work (developed by Robert Bosnak) to help you.

When we do Embodied Imagination dream work for incubated dreams, we not only have access to our own experiences in the dream, we also have access to the experiences of the other characters in the dream.

As I've mentioned before, in Embodied Imagination dream work, we start with our own experiences, but we don't stop there. We also access the experiences of the other characters in the dream. Now, I realize that this might sound odd, but one of the basic concepts of Embodied Imagination is that we make no assumptions about where the dream is coming from or who the other characters are in the dream.

Rather than assuming that the characters are a part of ourselves, as we might in Gestalt or other types of psychotherapy, we make no assumptions. We allow the other characters to have their own "lives" in the dream. This frees us up to experience these characters from their own perspectives. Needless to say, I'm not referring to the type of hallucinations that people with schizophrenia or some other delusional or psychotic disorder might have. All I'm saying is that, for the purpose of doing the dream work, we suspend disbelief in the service of doing the creative dream work and using our imagination. For a fuller explanation of this phenomenon, I recommend that you read Robert Bosnak's book, Embodiment.

So, for example, a writer might incubate a dream about a particular character that he or she is not satisfied with in the story. The dreams that are the result of this incubation would include valuable information about the character, sometimes coming from the character's own mouth. When we're dreaming, generally, we're in a more relaxed state than in our regular waking experience. This allows us to have access to a deeper sense of our imagination than when we're awake. In these dreams, characters and scenes "come alive" in ways that they often don't in our usual waking consciousness. And it takes no extra time since we would spend the same amount of time sleeping whether we incubated dreams or not.

For a more in-depth explanation of Embodied Imagination, creativity and dreams, you can visit the website for Cyberdreamworks: http://www.cyberdreamwork.com.

I am a licensed psychoanalytically trained psychotherapist. I am also a hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and an EMDR therapist.

I work with individuals and couples, and my office is convenient located in Manhattan.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Working with Dreams to Develop Your Creative Imagination

2011-07-23T12:09:00.009-04:00

Dreams and Your Creative Imagination:
I love working with dreams, my own dreams as well as clients' and friends' dreams. Dream work provides us with a unique opportunity to access our creative imagination in ways that are often not accessible to us in the normal waking state.

What Do We Mean by "Imagination"?
The word "imagination" has gotten a bad rap in modern times, especially for adults. Often, when we hear the words "imagined" or "imagination," it has a negative connotation. We often think of these words as meaning something that is false, as in: "It was just his imagination." But the word "imagination" has a much broader meaning. When we can open up to our imagination, we open ourselves to our internal world of images, ideas, emotions, and our felt sense about ourselves and the world around us. We use our imagination to learn new things and to understand and develop new concepts. We also use our imagination to come up with creative solutions to everyday problems and in our creative endeavors. Most inventions were created with the inventor using his or her imagination to come up with new ideas. Often, these inventors came up with creative ideas through their dreams.

Children are usually much better attuned to their imagination and can enter into and out of imagined states or play with ease. They know the difference between imagination, play and everyday waking reality. But, somehow, for many of us, when we become adults, we often get the message that imagining and play are things that are left behind in childhood for the logical reality of adulthood. Even for some children who are scolded for daydreaming or "making up stories" from their imagination, they lose this precious skill early in life.

Remembering Your Dreams:
In order to do dream work, you must first remember your dreams. For most people who are motivated to remember their dreams, a simple suggestion before going to sleep as well as keeping a note pad and pen close at hand to jot down dreams is often enough to help you remember your dreams. It's important to write down your dream in the present tense as soon as you wake up. We often think that we'll remember a dream only to have it slip away like vapor as soon as we focus on something else. Even if what you remember is only a snippet of part of a dream, write it down. By writing down even a snippet of a dream, you're giving your unconscious mind the suggestion that dreams are important. Usually, over time, snippets will develop into more indepth memories of dreams.

Keeping a Dream Journal:
I recommend keeping a dream journal where you record your dreams. Keeping the dream journal in a safe and private place will allow you to feel free to write down your dreams without censoring yourself. Giving each dream a date and dream title and keeping an index is also very helpful in many ways. First, by giving titles to your dreams, you're giving your unconscious mind the suggestion that dreams are meaningful stories that you want to remember. Second, having an index of dream titles helps you to look back on particular themes.

How Does Dream Work Help Us to Access Our Creative Imagination?
When I do dreamwork with clients, I help them to get back into the dream state (also called the hypnogagic state) of the particular dream that we're working on. In this dream state, you have access to the images, emotions, and the felt sense of the dream.

A psychotherapist who is experienced with doing this type of dream work, such as Embodied Imagination, can help clients to access not only their own experiences in the dream but also tap into the experiences of the other characters in the dream. I've written about Embodied Imagination and Robert Bosnak in prior blog posts: (http://www.psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2011/01/dreams-and-embodied--imagination.html). I also recommend reading Robert Bosnak's book, Embodiment, available in paperback.

If you want to develop your creative mind while dreaming, you can also give yourself a suggestion before going to sleep to have creative dreams about the issue that you want to work on. This takes some practice, motivation, and patience. Using evocative imagery just before going to sleep is often helpful to incubate dreams on a particular issue.

When I work with clients who want to incubate dreams to come up with creative soluutions for a particular problem or issue, I help them get into a relaxed state to use their imagination. This might involve having them focus on their emotional experience and desire related to this issue. I help them to sense into their experience using their five senses, as well as their imagination, emotions and felt sense. Then, before they go to sleep, they practice what we did in our therapy ession for a minute or so before going to sleep in order to incubate dreams. Often, these experiences can be revelatory, accessing a deep sense of creativity that is not usually available to them in normal waking life.

I recommend working with a psychotherapist who has a psychoanalytic background and who has experience using Embodied Imagination to get the full expereince of using your imaginatoin and developing your creativity. But you can also benefit from paying attention to your dreams on your own to develop your creativity.

For more information about Embodied Imagination dream work, visit: http://www.cyberdreamwork.com.

To learn more about dreams and dream work in general, visit the website for the International Association for the Study of Dreams (IASD): http://www.asdreams.org.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, psychoanalyst, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing: Tapping into Your Creativity

2011-07-23T11:07:00.013-04:00

As a psychotherapist in NYC, I work with many clients who want to tap into their creativity--whether it's for writing, acting, painting, enhancing their personal lives or careers, or every day problem solving. Clinical hypnosis, also known as hypnotherapy, is an excellent form of psychotherapy for tapping into your creative unconscious mind.

Hypnotic States Are Common:
There's nothing unusual or magical about being in a hypnotic state. Hypnotic states are a natural and normal part of everyday living. They're very common. Whether you realize it or not, you enter into and out of hypnotic states at least several times a day on most days. You might not think of yourself as being in a hypnotic state, but when you're "zoning out" when you're relaxed, staring out into nothing in particular, or feeling bored, you're often in a hypnotic state.

Using Clinical Hypnosis for Developing Creativity:
When you work with an experienced hypnotherapist to tap into your creativity, generally, you're in a very relaxed emotional state. The hypnotic state is usually deeper than the meditative state. You're also in a dual state of consciousness, which means that you're aware of the here-and-now as well as having access to your unconscious mind. While in a hypnotic state, at any time, you could come out of the hypnotic state to be completely in the here-and-now if you needed or wanted to be.

How I Work With Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to Access Your Creative Mind:
When I use clinical hypnosis with clients, I often combine hypnosis with Somatic Experiencing to help clients to have deeper access to thoughts, images, and emotions that they usually would not have access to during their normal waking state. You can more easily access the mind-body connection during a hypnotic state when hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing are combined. Your unconscious mind, combined with your emotional felt sense in your mind/body, often produce creative ideas and solutions to everyday problems that your logical mind alone cannot access.

If you're debating between two or more possible solutions to a problem or a creative challenge, using clinical hypnosis with Somatic Experiencing often helps you to discover which solution is right for you because you can feel the "rightness" of a particular solution. Being in a relaxed hypnotic state also allows you to put aside all the anxious chatter in your head that might be keeping you "stuck" with your mind going around in circles. The combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing helps you to focus on what's most important and allows you to have a "gut feeling" about what's right for you.

Many of my clients are often amazed at how quickly and effectively they can access creative solutions for themselves--whether they are artistic challenges or everyday problems.

Choosing a Hypnotherapist:
I strongly recommend that, when choosing a hypnotherapist, you make sure that the person you choose is a licensed psychotherapist who has the necessary clinical skills, as opposed to a hypnotist who might have learned some hypnotic techniques, but who is not a psychotherapist and does not have clinical skills. Whereas a hypnotist can only get you so far with hypnosis given the limited skills that they have , a hypnotherapist can help you to access a deeper part of yourself and will also have the clinical expertise to help you with any emotional problems that might come up during hypnotherapy.

To find out more about clinical hypnosis, visit the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis (ASCH), which is the professional website for hypnotherapists: http://www.ASCH.net.

To find out more about Somatic Experiencing, visit the SE website: http://www.traumahealing.com.

I am a NYC licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

My office in conveniently located in Manhattan.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Book: Imagination and Medicine

2011-07-09T23:29:00.005-04:00

At any given time, I'm usually reading at least three or four books during the same period of time. Currently, one of the books that I'm really enjoying and recommend is called Imagination & Medicine: The Future of Healing in the Age of Neuroscience edited by Stephen Aizenstat and Robert Bosnak.

Stephen Aizenstat is a clinical psychologist, marriage and family therapist and founder of Pacifica Graduate Institute in California. Robert Bosnak, as I've mentioned in prior blog posts, is a Jungian psychoanalyst, also in California. Both Stephen Aizenstat and Robert Bosnak are also co-founders of the Santa Barbara Healing Sanctuary in Santa Barbara, California.

My favorite articles in this book include Robert Bosnak's "The Physician Inside," Marion Woodman's "Coming to a Door," Kimberley C. Patton's "Ancient Asklepieia: Institutional Incubation and the Hope of Healing," and Ernest and Katherine Rossi's "How the Mind and the Brain Co-create Each Other Daily."

I had the pleasure of participating in an Embodied Imagination dreamwork intensive recently with Robert Bosnak. To find out more about his dreamwork, visit the website: http://www.cyberdreamwork.com./

If you're interested in reading about cutting edge work with regard to medicine and the mind-body connection, I recommend this book, which is out in paperback.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about this book and similar books, go to: http://www.springjournaland books.com.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, please call (212) 726-1006.

Somatic Experiencing: Listening to the Mind-Body Connection

2011-07-09T22:48:00.006-04:00

Often, when we're trying to come up with solutions to personal problems, our logical minds, while important, can be limiting in terms of coming up with new and novel solutions. Our logical minds might be conditioned by automatic negative thoughts that get in the way. Using Somatic Experiencing, you can tune into the mind-body connection and you'll often be surprised at what you come up with that was not accessible to you when you only relied on your logical mind.

The Limitations of Using Only the Logical Mind vs the Mind-Body Connection:
It's not that logic doesn't have a role. But whose logic are we talking about? What you consider to be logical might not be what I think. Logic has a place but, amazingly, the combination of the mind and body often provide us with answers that we would never come up just relying on logic alone. Using the combination of mind and body, we can get images, sensations, flashes of ideas and so much more from a deep part of ourselves that isn't usually as accessible from a purely logical place. Using Somatic Experiencing, solutions are often more creative, and you get a "gut feeling" if it's right for you.

Working with a Somatic Experiencing therapist, you learn to become more attuned to yourself in an intuitive way. I have experienced this for myself when I ask myself, "What does my body say that I need" when considering a problem. Clients who come to me for Somatic Experiencing often say the same thing--that they have tapped into a deep source of knowing.

I am a NYC licensed psychotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, EMDR therapist, and hypnotherapist.

I am certfied in Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about Somatic Experiencing, visit the website: http://www.traumahealing.com.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, please call me at (212) 726-1006.

When One Door Closes, Another One Often Opens

2011-07-09T22:18:00.006-04:00

We Live in Challenging Times:
There's no doubt that we're living in challenging times. The latest news report is that 16% of working people in the US are either unemployed or underemployed. We often don't hear the statistics for people who are underemployed, which means that they are either working at a very reduced salary, as compared to the former jobs, or they are working part time when they really need full time work. How we respond to challenging times often makes a big difference in how we get through them. It's important to remember that, often, when one door closes, another door opens.

This is not to make light of the very real and serious problems that people are facing economically and the pressure that these economic problems place on their relationships. And, of course, for many people, there might not be readily available "open doors" or opportunities on the horizon. Many people are doing the best that they can and they're facing uphill battles.

But often there are other "doors" that are available to us, if we are willing to see them. Being able to see them often depends on our perspective. If we allow ourselves to become overly discouraged, especially early on after a loss, we might miss seeing certain opportunities to re-evaluate our lives and take stock. Sometimes a crisis opens the door to change a lot faster than if it had not occurred. We might stay stuck in jobs that we no longer want or we are no longer suited for just because we become complacent. Or, we might stay stuck in a relationship that is really over in all but name. When change is forced upon us, we are often forced to consider options that we might not have considered before--like going back to college and completing a degree, if you're fortunate enough to be in a position to do that.

The other door that opens might be allowing friends and family to help you, if they're in a position to do this. This can be especially beneficial if you're the one who usually helps others. It can be an opportunity to allow others to reciprocate.

Aside from economic problems, a challenging time might be the end of a relationship. No one likes going through a breakup but, often, after you have overcome the initial hurt, you can look upon it as a time to start over. Maybe you realize that you learned certain things from being in the relationship that just ended that will be helpful to you in your next relationship.

When one door closes and another opens, you need to be willing to walk through the open door to benefit from the opportunity that has been presented to you. A new beginning can seem daunting at first, but if you try to maintain a positive attitude, the saying, "When one door closes, another opens" will be more than just a trite saying to you. It could be your next opportunity in life.

I am a NYC licensed psychotherapist, EMDR therapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and hypnotherapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josepine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, please call me at (212) 726-1006.

Relationships: Are You In Love with Him or Your Fantasy of Him?

2011-07-09T20:24:00.020-04:00

One of the most challenging things about being in a relationship is when we fall in love with the fantasy of who we want rather than who the person really is. Despite the title of this blog post, this happens with both men and women. This is a form of denial that, unfortunately, is common, especially early on in relationships. It's as if we turn a blind eye to the signals and cues that we're getting along the way, hoping that we can, somehow, change our partners to be more to our liking. But deluding ourselves in this way has repercussions for ourselves and for our relationships.

The following short fictionalized examples illustrate how this dynamic creates problems in relationships:

Jeff and Celia:
When Celia began dating Jeff, he mentioned to her early on that he had a long history of not being able to make commitments in prior relationships, and he didn't want to get serious with anyone at this point. For Celia, this went in one ear and out the other. She liked Jeff so much that she hoped that she would be the one who would change his mind and that he'd be willing to make a commitment with her. But one year into their dating relationship when Jeff continued to maintain that he didn't want to make a commitment with Celia, she was deeply disappointed and hurt. When Jeff ended the relationship because he felt pressured by her to make a commitment to her, Celia couldn't understand what happened.

Susan and John:
After being together for a year, John placed Susan on his credit card account, even though he knew that she had a long history of overspending and getting into debt. He ignored the obvious red flags, and hoped that he would be able to teach her to spend more responsibly. But after Susan ran up his credit card and she was unable to pay, despite his efforts to encourage her to moderate her spending, he felt angry and betrayed.

Bruce and Ed:
When Bruce and Ed began dating, Bruce told Ed that he problems with fidelity in all his other relationships. But Ed felt that what Bruce felt for him was much more than what Bruce felt in his other relationships, so he didn't believe that Bruce would cheat on him. Two years into their relationship, Ed signed into their home computer and he was shocked to find ongoing erotic email correspondence between Bruce and several other men

Linda and Betty:
When they first met, Betty revealed to Linda that she had a problem with anger management. As Linda listened to Betty describe her anger management problems in prior relationships, with family members, and at work, Linda found it hard to believe that someone who was as gentle and kind as Betty could have a temper. This was not at all how Linda saw Betty. She thought that Betty must have been exaggerating. But seven months into their relationship, they got into a spat about who should do the dishes and Betty suddenly stormed out of the apartment without warning, and she didn't come back for an hour. Linda was speechless. It was only then that Linda remembered that Betty had warned her about her temper.

Why Do People End Up Falling In Love with a Fantasy?

Very often this dynamic occurs when people first fall in love, and they don't realize that they have fallen in love with their fantasy of the other person. The mind and the heart don't like having a vacuum so, in these instances, they fill in the blanks with what is most desired, completely ignoring what might be obvious from the start.

Being in love can sometimes be like being in a cloud. It takes a while for the cloud to disperse to see who's actually there. Add to this that most people are on their very best behavior for at least the first six months or so and you can see how problems can begin.

How Can You Avoid Falling In Love with the Fantasy of Your Partner?
First, it's very important to pay attention to what this person tells you or what you know about him or her from prior history. Rather than dismiss the past, really listen and consider what this will mean for you and a potential relationship with this person. It doesn't necessarily mean that this dynamic will happen with you, but you shouldn't ignore it. It's information.

Second, don't convince yourself that you'll be able to change him or her once you're together. He or she might not want to change. And, while it's true that people can change, it's also true that people often repeat patterns in relationships, especially if they don't get professional help to try to change. Even with professional help, ingrained patterns can be difficult to change. The person has to be internally motivated to change and willing to do the work and not just responding to pressure from you.

Third, if you're in doubt as to whether you're seeing this person objectively, talk to a trusted friend. Friends, who are outside of the situation, can often see things that you can't. Try not to be defensive or argumentative, just listen. This doesn't mean that your friend is always right, but a second opinion from a trusted friend might give you a different perspective.

Fourth, once you're confronted with the pattern of behavior that you were in denial about all along, don't continue to stick your head in the sand. Often, these things don't get better by themselves. A lot will depend on your own attitude and tolerance. If you're Linda in one the examples above, and your attitude is, "I'll just let Betty blow off steam for now because she usually comes around and I know she had a hard day," meaning that you're not really that affected by this and can let it roll off you're back, that's one thing. But if Betty's temper tantrums represent unacceptable behavior that you know you can't live with, that's another thing. You need to know yourself and what is and what isn't acceptable for you. Needless to say, I'm not referring to emotional or physical abuse, but occasional temper tantrums.

If you know you can't tolerate the behavior, speak to your partner and be honest about it. If your partner warned you early on and you allowed yourself to fall in love with your fantasy of your partner and not who your partner really is, take responsibility for this. Then, discuss with your partner whether you're willing to work things out either on your own or in couples counseling.

In almost every relationship, early on, there tends to be some idealization of the other person. As we get to know our partners and they get to know us, that idealization wears off in time and, in the best case scenario, a mature relationship develops that's reality based. But when we're stuck in a fantasy, it can be a rude awakening when reality intrudes. Then, before we blame our partners, we must ask ourselves what role we played in our own disappointment.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, please call me at (212) 726-1006.

Living Authentically - Aligned with Your Values

2011-07-09T16:51:00.020-04:00

As a psychotherapist in NYC, I often see clients who come to therapy in crisis because they no longer feel confident in themselves, they feel lost, and they don't know what they want to do with their lives or what they want in their relationships. Before coming to therapy, these clients have often tried on their own through a variety of methods--talking to friends and family members, attending workshops, or reading self help books--to try to regain their footing, but none of these methods have worked for them. In many cases, their problems started because, somewhere along the line, often without realizing it, they began living their lives in an inauthentic way that was not in alignment with their values.

As adults, we know that we have to make certain reasonable compromises in life, especially for important relationships in our lives. But I'm not referring to reasonable compromises. I'm referring to living in an emotionally inauthentic way that is out of alignment with our core values.

Over time, when we're living in such an inauthentic state, our sense of self can become eroded. Often, in order to live in a way that is so misaligned with our core values, we have to shut down a part of ourselves, so that we keep ourselves from being consciously aware that we're living in a way that is so out of synch with who we really are. But no matter how much we try to suppress our conscious awareness, our unconscious is usually sending signals to us that become harder and harder to ignore. Over time, this signals often translate into physical symptoms. We might suffer from insomnia or have nightmares. We might feel anxious or irritable. We might get depressed. And we usually feel very tired from the energy that it takes to keep ourselves from being fully aware that we've lost our way.

But how does this happen? And why would people put themselves through such emotional turmoil? Well, the answer isn't simple and there can be many reasons. Often, people who are living out of alignment with their values are trying to please someone else--whether it's a parent or a spouse or a child or a boss. The fear of loss involved with disappointing others might be greater than the awareness of how self destructive it can be when we live in a way that is out of synch with our values. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we can do this without hurting ourselves or others.

The following is a fictionalized account:

Jane:
Jane was going through a very lonely time in her life when she met Bill. She was in her early 30s and she had not been in a relationship for several years. She wanted very much to meet someone, settle down, and start a family. So, when she met Bill, a handsome, single, charming, intelligent man in his mid-30s with a good job on Wall Street, she was thrilled. They began dating, and he was very kind and generous with her. He talked about wanting to have a family, and Jane could see that he could be a potential partner for her.

After they were dating for three months, Bill asked her if she would hold onto a package for him in her apartment. Jane sensed that Bill was being elusive about the contents of the package, so she tried to be very tactful when she asked him about it. This was the first time that Jane had ever seen Bill get annoyed. He accused her of not trusting him. Jane didn't want to upset him or jeopardize their relationship, so she assured him that she trusted him and she didn't need to know.

After a month or so, Bill asked Jane for the package back, and she gave it to him. And this was the beginning of a pattern that went on for a few months. Inwardly, it bothered Jane that Bill wouldn't tell her what was in these packages, but she tried to convince herself that it didn't bother her. But, finally, after a few months, she felt that Bill owed her an explanation so she asked him again. This time, Bill was more open to talking to her about it, and he confided in her that he was dealing cocaine to colleagues on Wall Street, and he gave her the packages because he feared the police might have him under surveillance and he didn't want to be arrested for drug possession.

Jane was shocked. She had never been involved with anyone who was dealing drugs and she couldn't understand why Bill would be doing this, especially since he already earned a very good salary and bonus. They argued about it, but Bill refused to stop selling drugs. He had lots of "reasons" why he wanted and needed the extra money, and he saw no reason to stop.

At this point, Jane could have made a decision that would been in keeping with what she knew to be right for herself. She was fully aware now of what was going on and she knew that she didn't want to live her life with a drug dealer. But, more than this, on an emotional level, she didn't want to lose Bill and she didn't want go back to being lonely. So, she convinced herself that she would be able to persuade Bill, eventually, to stop selling drugs to his colleagues and then there wouldn't be a problem any more. But from that moment on, Jane had no peace of mind. She began having headaches and difficulty sleeping. She was nervous most of the time. She began withdrawing from friends. She feared the police might follow Bill to her home and they would both be arrested.

Isolated and in crisis, she began therapy because she could no longer live with the pain of knowing that she was in love with a drug dealer. Only after she was able to admit how miserable she was and that he was knowingly placing her at risk was she able to end this relationship, start the repair work to her sense of self, and begin to understand how her lack of self confidence and loneliness caused her to go down a very slippery slope.

You might not be able to relate to the above example because it might seem extreme to you. But living out of alignment with your values doesn't have to involve abetting a crime. There are many everyday examples of people making big compromises in their lives as a way to avoid the loss of a loved one:

the son who gives up his dream to be an engineer to become a doctor to please his father

the wife who stops going to church, even though this has been an important part of her life, because it annoys her husband when she goes

the daughter who hates lying, but lies to her mother's employer whenever her mother is too drunk to go to work

And so on.

Often, when people are living out of alignment with their values for a while, it becomes hard for them to recover a sense of themselves. Body-mind oriented psychotherapy, such as Somatic Experiencing or clinical hypnosis, helps people to recover their sense of self and get back into alignment with their values. Their logical minds might keep them in denial, but when they are attuned to the the mind-body connection through a mind-body oriented form of psychotherapy, they become attuned to what they need. Mind-body oriented psychotherapy is also often more effective than regular "talk therapy" in helping to heal the emotional damage.

I am a NYC licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist and EMDR therapist.

I am certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy.

I work with adults and individuals.

I have worked with many people over the years who have come to therapy in crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up an appointment for a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Psychotherapy: Embodied Imagination Dreamwork

2011-06-19T23:28:00.021-04:00

In my prior blog post, I discussed Robert Bosnak's Embodied Imagination dream incubation technique (http://www.psychotherapist-nyc.b.logspot.com/2011/06/psychotherapy-dream-incubation-planting.html). As I mentioned, Embodied Imagination dream incubations are performed by psychotherapists or dreamworkers who have been trained in this technique as a way of helping to "plant seeds" in the dreamer's unconscious mind to work on areas that are important to the dreamer. These areas might include: health issues, creative blocks, relationship issues, career decisions, or any other areas of a person's life that are meaningful to him or her. Dream incubations have also been used to help actors with their roles.

In the fictionalized account from the last blog post, Donna's therapist assisted her to come up with a composite of the images, physical sensations, and emotions associated with her desire to overcome her creative block and increase her motivation to do her artwork. This composite consisted of the various trigger points in her body, and her therapist used these trigger points to help incubate a dream for Donna to overcome her creative block.

The following scenario is a continuation of the fictionalized account about Donna's incubation:

Donna spent a few minutes focusing on the trigger points related to her dream incubation every night, as her therapist suggested. Although Donna was aware that everyone has, on average, 4-6 dreams every night, during the first three days, Donna couldn't remember any dreams. But on the fourth day, she had a dream that she wrote down immediately upon waking up so she wouldn't forget it. She remembered that her therapist told her that it was very important to write the dream in the present tense. When she saw her therapist again, she recounted the following dream:

I'm in a coffee shop seated by myself. I notice an old friend, Nina, that I haven't seen in at least 10 years. I walk over to where she is. She's delighed to see me. We chat and get caught up with each other. The scene changes: Later on, I'm standing in the corridor of an apartment building. Somehow, I can see through the wall into Nina's apartment. I see her getting ready to go out to see an old boyfriend. Somehow, I know that she wants to get him back again. She's sitting in front of her dresser mirror and putting on makeup. I can only see her in the dresser mirror because she has her back to me. I notice how determined she looks. Her eyes are very intense. She is very focused on looking "just so" because she wants her date to go well.

According to the Embodied Imagination technique, Donna's therapist listened carefully to the dream and tuned into what resonated for her in the dream. Then, she asked Donna to tell the dream a second time in the present tense. Then, the therapist asked Donna for any associations to the dream. Donna responded by saying that she has always admired Nina for being someone who is very determined to get what she wants. Donna said that, in reality, Nina isn't as manipulative or as calculating as she came across in the dream. The dream presented Nina's determination in an exaggerated way.

Donna's therapist helped Donna to get into a waking hypnogagic state so that she could reenter the dream state. As previously mentioned in prior blog posts, Embodied Imagination is not about dream interpretation or dream analysis. The therapist started by helping Donna to feel the physical environment in the coffee shop. Once Donna resonated with the physical environment, she told her therapist what she noticed in the dream when she saw Nina, what emotions she felt, and where she felt them in the body. All the while, Donna was able to maintain a dual awareness of the here-and-now as well as the dream state.

Then, the therapist helped Donna to "transit" into the Nina character from the dream. She did this by, at first, having Donna descrbe how she felt about Nina and what she noticed in detail. As Donna got closer and closer to Nina's experience, at a certain point, the therapist asked Donna to allow herself to be "embodied" by the Nina character. She asked her to look through Nina's eyes, while, at the same time, maintaining an awareness of herself in the dream.

Donna was amazed at how much she was able to get from taking on the dream character, Nina's perspective. She felt Nina's determination through the energy in the eyes and the torso. She experienced it as an energy that started from just below her navel and came up through her body and out through the top of her head. She even felt the warmth of the energy as it circulated through her body.

Towards the end of the dreamwork, the therapist helped Donna to feel a composite of all the trigger points from her own dream character as well as Nina's trigger points. Donna had a strong felt sense of the images, physical sensations, and emotions from the dream. Her therapist helped her to blend together all of these trigger points to give Donna an integrated experience of the dream.

After they worked the dream, the therapist suggested that Donna use the composite, including the energy and determination of the Nina dream character, to overcome her creative block. She encouraged Donna to spend at least a few minutes every day practicing experiencing the composite of the trigger points in her body.

Over the next few weeks, Donna practiced experiencing the trigger points in her body. Whereas before, she had problems motivating herself to do her artwork, when she immersed herself in the trigger points from the dream, she felt renewed energy and vitality. Soon, she was able to return to her artwork with the passion that she had felt before.

Embodied Imagination dreamwork is not magic. It works best if you're working on something that is really meaningful to you.

To find out more about Embodied Imagination, visit their website: http://www.cyberdreamwork.com.

I am a NYC licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I am certified in mind-body psychotherapy. I also enjoy using Embodied Imagination incubations and dreamwork.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Psychotherapy: Dream Incubation - Planting Seeds

2011-06-11T13:48:00.019-04:00

During a recent dream intensive training with Dutch Jungian analyst, Robert Bosnak, I learned an extraordinary technique, which is part of Mr. Bosnak's Embodied Imagination technique, called dream incubation. In a prior blog post (http://www.psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2011/01/dreams-and-embodied-imagination.html), I wrote about his Embodied Imagination mind-body psychotherapy.

What is Dream Incubation?
Dream incubation has been used for thousands of years. The ancient Greeks visited the Temple of Asklepius in Epidauros, Greece to have a healing dream to cure themselves or loved ones from illness. Asklepius was the god of healing. The cult of Asklepius was very popular around 350 BC. Many people came to the Temple of Asklepius in hopes of incubating a healing dream, which they believed to be sent to them from the god Asklepius. If they had dreams, temple priests helped them the next day to understand the dreams and the healing messages from the dream so they could cure their illnesses.

Embodied Imagination Dream Incubation:
In Robert Bosnak's Embodied Imagination, if you want to incubate a dream, you work with a dreamworker who has been taught this technique. The purpose of incubation is to have dreams about something that you really want and use what you learn from those dreams to attain your goal. You are more likely to have dreams related to your incubation if it's something that you really desire. In his private practice in California, Mr. Bosnak works with clients who have chronic illnesses (cancer, AIDS, and other chronic medical problems). But dream incubation can be used for problems related to your relationships, career, creative endeavors, or any other areas where you might feel stuck and need help or inspiration.

There are many different types of dream incubation techniques. Most rely solely on the power of suggestion using cognitive methods. What I really like about Embodied Imagination dream incubation is that, like its name suggests, it incorporates the mind-body connection.

As previously mentioned, to use the Embodied Imagination mind-body technique of dream incubation, you need to work with at least one person or a group of people who know the method and can help you to "plant the seed" for the dream incubation. Even if you know the technique, it's hard to do for yourself. To start, the dreamworker asks you to remember a time when you really desired and were most in touch with the thing that you're trying to incubate.

The following fictionalized vignette will give you an idea of how Embodied Imagination dream incubation works:

Donna:
Donna is an artist in her mid-30s. Up until a year ago, Donna was passionate about her artwork. Her paintings had been shown in NYC galleries, she has received very favorable reviews, and she has been able to support herself through her art. But during the last year, following a very successful art show, she has felt "stuck" and uninspired. Whenever she has tried to paint, she found herself staring at the empty canvass for long periods of time feeling anxious and frustrated. At first, she was not overly concerned, but as time went on and she was unable to overcome her creative block, she began to wonder if she would ever be able to paint again.

When a year had gone by without her being able to paint a thing, she decided to see a psychotherapist in NYC who was familiar with Embodied Imagination dream incubation technique. Since she had always been a very visual person with vivid dreams, Donna decided to see if she could overcome this unconscious creative block through Embodied Imagination dream incubation after hearing from a close friend about how well it worked for her to overcome issues in her relationship.

After getting Donna's history, the psychotherapist asked Donna about the last time that Donna felt most in touch with her desire to paint. Donna had to think about this for a few minutes, and then she remembered a specific memory of a day when she was immersed in her art work, feeling passionate and creative. At that point, the work flowed for Donna. She felt that it was almost effortless.

As Donna described this memory, the psychotherapist helped her to slow down so Donna could enter into a waking hypnogagic state. Hypnogagic states are states that we all experience just before falling asleep or waking up. We might not always be aware of it at the time, but the hypnogagic state is that in-between state between being asleep and awake. People have often described the hypnogagic state as a feeling of floating. (Lucid dreams, which are dreams where you know you are dreaming, occur most often in the hypnogagic state. But that's a topic for another blog post.)

The therapist helped Donna to experience the time and place of this memory, which happened to be in an art studio that Donna shared with several others artists. As part of this memory, Donna remembered that another artist, Susan, who shared the space, stopped by to see what Donna was working on. Donna talked about how she had always admired Susan and her work. She also liked how passionate Susan was about the creative process. Susan was 10 years older than Donna. Donna considered her to be a mentor of sorts. Donna knew that Susan had gone through her own creative slumps, but Susan seemed to always find a way out of them. In Donna's eyes, Susan was very energetic and she had a positive attitude most of the time.

Using Embodied Imagination techniques, first, the therapist helped Donna to bring herself back to the art studio and sense what that felt like in her body. She helped Donna to really feel her emotions from that memory of doing her art work that day (the passion, happiness, excitement, and creativity) and feel into where she felt those emotions in her body. As Donna closed her eyes and felt into her body, she felt the happiness and excitement in her chest, and she felt the passion in an area just below her navel. The therapist worked with Donna to help her to deepen and amplify these feelings. She also helped Donna to anchor these feelings as trigger points in her chest and lower abdomen.

Once these feelings were anchored in Donna's body, the therapist directed Donna back to the memory and asked her to observe Susan in her mind's eye. When Donna had a clear picture of Susan, the therapist asked Donna to describe what she saw starting with a basic description of Susan (what she looked like, what she was wearing, how she was standing, etc). Then, she asked Donna to sense into Susan emotionally. At first, Donna began telling the therapist what she thought, but the therapist redirected her away from her thoughts and more into her sense impression.

Embodied Imagination is not about your thoughts--it's about your sense impressions or sense memories from your body. This is similar to what actors do when they use sense memories to embody a certain character or role. (As I mentioned in an earlier blog post, Embodied Imagination is used with actors, including the actors of the Royal Shakespeare Co.)

When we're asked to sense something, we tend to go to our thoughts, since that's how we usually relate to the world. But in Embodied Imagination, going with your thoughts can lead to unintentional fabrication (just making it up or making up what you think it should be). This defeats the purpose of Embodied Imagination.

So, Donna took a few moments to go back to her sense impressions and she felt into her experience of Susan from the memory of that particular day. As she looked at Susan in her mind's eye, she sensed Susan's enthusiasm, excitement, happiness, and her inspiration. Now that they were back on track, the therapist helped Donna to get closer and closer to Donna's experience.

At a certain point, the therapist helped Donna to "transit" into Susan's experience. In Embodied Imagination, transiting into another person's experience is sensing into that experience until you feel embodied by it. All the while, Donna maintains a sense of dual awareness, much in the same way that a person maintains dual awareness in hypnosis. In both methods, the person maintains a sense of the here-and-now as well as the there-and-then.

According to Robert Bosnak, who describes himself as a phenomenologist, transiting in Embodied Imagination is very different from Gestalt therapy. In Gestalt therapy, Donna's sense of Susan's experience would be considered to be a part of Donna. In Embodied Imagination, we do not consider Susan's experience to be a part of Donna. In fact, we have no preconceived ideas about this phenomenon. We just experience it.

Once the transit is complete and Donna feels embodied by her experience of Susan, while maintaining dual awareness of the here-and-now, Donna describes her experience of "Susan-ness." With the therapist's help, she is able to sense into the experience and identify Susan's various emotions and where she feels these emotions in her body.

All the while, the therapist is helping Donna to deepen and immerse herself in this experience. Generally, the waking hypnogagic state is a relaxed state. Accessing the hypnogagic state deepens and strengthens the experience more than just "thinking about" the memory.

The therapist assists Donna to anchor the embodied emotions that she senses from Susan. Combining Donna's anchored embodied emotions with Susan's, the therapist helps Donna to form a composite of this experience in her body so she can hold all of these experiences together. Robert Bosnak, who is a Jungian, uses the metaphor of the alchemist who combines and stirs all the alchemical ingredients to bring about a transformation.

Once Donna has all of these experiences anchored in her body, she returns to ordinary consciousness and the therapist gives her a diagram that she has made for Donna that represents the composite. The diagram is a body map consisting of the general contours of a body with all of the anchor points labeled with the location and the corresponding emotions.

The therapist instructs Donna to meditate on the composite with all of the corresponding emotions and anchor points in the body every night for a week to incubate a dream to inspire Donna to overcome her creative block. Donna will need to do more than just think about it--she will need to feel the feelings from the dream incubation in her body. Since her creative blocks is a problem that Donna really wants to overcome, she is highly motivated and she uses the composite every night just before going to sleep to incubate dreams about her problem.

Once Donna has incubated one or more dreams, she brings them to her therapist, who uses Embodied Imagination techniques to assist Donna with the dreamwork. Very often, people who have dreams after an Embodied Imagination incubaton don't always recognize these dreams as being related to their incubation, which is why it is important to work with a therapist who knows Embodied Imagination.

More about Embodied Imagination dreamwork in a future blog post.

I am a licensed psychotherapist in NYC. I use clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, psychodynamic psychotherapy, and other mind-body oriented psychotherapy techniques. I work with individuals and couples.

I also enjoy doing Embodied Imagination dreamwork, which is a creative method to help clients overcome problems where they feel stuck.

To find out more about Embodied Imagination, see Robert Bosnak's website: http://www.cyberdreamwork.com. You can also read his book called Embodiment - Creative Imagination in Medicine, Art and Travel.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, please call me at (212) 726-1006.

Jungian Workshop with Marita Digney, DMin.

2011-05-24T10:57:00.025-04:00

During the last few weeks, I have been familiarizing myself with Jungian concepts as part of my preparation for an upcoming dreamwork intensive with contemporary Jungian analyst, Robert Bosnak. When I trained as a psychoanalyst at the Postgraduate Center for Mental Health (1996-2000), we studied everything from Freudian to contemporary/modern psychoanalysis, but we didn't study Jung.

Learning about Carl Jung, his life, and how he developed Analytic Psychoanalysis has been a very enjoyable process for me. I've noticed that, lately, there has been a lot more dialogue among Jungian analysts, Freudians, neo-Freudians, and contemporary psychoanalysts which, in my opinion, is long overdue. As I acquaint myself with Jung, I see that many Object Relations and other contemporary non-Jungian psychoanalysts have been influenced by Jung.

I consider myself to be eclectic and an integrationist of many different ways of working. I often combine psychodynamic ways of working with EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and ego states work. No one way of working will be good for all clients, so I enjoy having many different ways and combinations that I can use to suit the particular client's needs.

During the last several years, I've become dissatisfied with the mainstream psychoanalytic concepts for dream analysis/dreamwork that I learned while I was in psychoanalytic training. As I mentioned in my January 30th blog post, when I saw Jungian analyst, Robert Bosnak, demonstrate his work at the annual NIP psychoanalytic dream conference in January of this year, I became excited about his method of dreamwork called Embodied Imagination (see my January 30, 2011 blog post: http://www.psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2011/01/dreams-and-embodied-imagination.html). Also see http://cyberdreamwork.com/ for more information about Embodied Imagination.

Embodied Imagination dreamwork fits in very well with my mind-body-oriented way of working in psychotherapy, especially when combined with clinical hypnosis and/or Somatic Experiencing (see http://traumahealing.com/ to find out more about Somatic Experiencing).

As part of my preparation for Robert Bosnak's dream intensive workshop, aside from reading books about Jungian theory, I attended a recent workshop at the Jung Foundation in NYC called "Original Harmony: Poetic Resonance in the I Ching and the Bible" presented by Marita Digney, DMin (http://www.cgjung.ny.org/). Dr. Digney is a licensed psychologist, a Jungian analyst trained at the C. G. Jung Institute Zurich. She is presently an intern chaplain at the University of Virginia CPE program. She has a private psychotherapy practice in the Blue Ridge Mountains in VA.

Dr. Digney's presentation focused on the symbolic parallels in the I Ching and the Bible as it relates to Jung's concept of individuation and the archetype of initiation. The first part of her presentation was a review of the various stages of initiation: separation ("the call"), ordeals, encounter with the divine, and return. She talked about male and female initiatory rites in various tribes as well as contemporary initiations in our own society.

As I've mentioned in a prior blog post, we often don't think of initiations as a concept in modernity. However, even though we might not think of them as initiations, as a modern society, we do engage in certain rites of passage in our everyday life that can be viewed as initiations: spiritual rites (baptism, communion, confirmation, Bar and Bas Mitzvah), Sweet 16, the high school prom, high school and college graduation ceremonies, fraternity and sorority initiations, and even gang initiations. All of these are examples of rites of passage in our culture.

In the afternoon, Dr. Digney had the audience randomly break up into various groups for the experiential part of the workshop. There were three practice groups: "the anthropologists," "the analysts," and "the poets." I was grouped in with "the anthropologists." Then, she provided a question that was posed in one of her groups from another workshop that could have been posed to the I Ching. "The anthropologists" had to come to a consensus as to which phase of initiation (separation "the call", ordeals, encounter with the divine, or return) this question represented. After "the anthropologists" decided on the phase of initiation, "the analysts" analyzed the stage of individuation. Following that, "the poets" selected which complementary passages from the Bible and the I Ching best represented that stage of individuation.

The question that Dr. Digney provided to us to analyze was: "What about my pursuing my psychoanalytic training this year?" The query was made from a former group participant who was contemplating starting analytic training that year and was consulting with the I Ching for information on the advisability of starting this long process.

As you might expect, this question had elements of all four initiatory stages, and it was up to my group to come to a consensus on which stage we would choose.

A case could be made for it being part of the the separation ("the call") stage of initiation since contemplating this type of change (and similar changes) could represent "a calling" to do this type of work with people. In addition, while contemplating such a change and also while undergoing psychoanalytic training, there are separations to contend with regarding time away from loved ones to devote to study, conducting psychoanalytic sessions with clients, one's own psychoanalysis at least three times a week; and a "separation" from a good deal of money for the expense of the training and multiple sessions per week of personal analysis.

This question could also be looked at in terms of the ordeals that would be involved. Although psychoanalytic training is usually very stimulating and enjoyable on many levels, like any big change, it involves ordeals: financial, time, challenges to one's established views, the "fish bowl" effect of being viewed by psychoanalytic instructors and personal analysts in a consuming and intensive training where one is immersed on many levels.

For many people contemplating becoming a psychoanalyst, there is some form of soul searching about undertaking such a big commitment. This soul searching might involve an "encounter with the divine" (or not) as one questions whether or not to pursue this rigorous training.

The initiatory stage of returning (usually returning to the community to contribute in a worthwhile way) can also be viewed as a returning to oneself (to one's inner world), once again, as a soul searching for what's important to oneself.

With regard to the question that Dr. Digney presented to us to discuss, our group was divided between two stages: separation ("the call") and ordeals. After some discussion, we chose the initiatory stage of ordeals as being the best choice, but we also recognized the important aspect of feeling a "calling" (as part of the separation phase) to do this type of work.

"The analysts" group discussed our choice and decided that the ordeals relating to the original question about whether to pursue analytic training or not in the current year represents the archetype of the Self in terms of individuation.

"The poets" group found many relevant complementary passages in both the Bible and the I Ching. Never having compared the Bible and the I Ching, I was surprised at how many parallels could be found in both books. Many of them had beautiful poetic resonance.

Doing this group exercise was a form of experiential learning that was so much more meaningful than if the presentation had remained on a didactic, cerebral level.

Dr. Digney is in the process of writing a book about the poetic resonance in the Bible and the I Ching. If you're interested in finding our more about her, go to her site on Psychology Today: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/marita_digney_DMin_Charlottesville_Virginia_83197.

To find out more about Carl Gustave Jung, visit: http://www.cgjungny.org.

I am a licensed psychotherapist in NYC. I work with individuals and couples.

I provide contemporary psychotherapy, clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapy in my private practice in NYC.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

The Power of Creating Personal Rituals

2011-05-15T11:24:00.019-04:00

In my last blog post I discussed the Power of Rituals (http://www.psychotherapist-nyc.blogpost.com/2011/05/power-of-rituals.html). I'd like to continue the discussion in this blog post by discussing the Power of Creating Personal Rituals.

What Do We Mean by Creating Personal Rituals?
As I discussed in my last blog post, we all have mundane personal rituals that we engage in, whether we're aware of it or not. For some people, it's having a cup of coffee or tea in the morning or reading the newspaper, listening to the weather report, or other similar rituals. Even these simple rituals can bring a certain amount of comfort and a sense of stability. The personal rituals that I'm referring to are rituals that we can create for ourselves that have special meaningful for us.

Examples of Personal Rituals:
Several years ago, a close friend's mother died. My friend, who was very close to her mother, arranged for a wake and a memorial service. She was very grateful for all the comfort that she received from relatives and friends during that time. But after it was over, she felt empty inside, as if she needed something more.

When we talked about it, she told me what she missed the most was having her morning conversations with her mother. She talked about picking up the phone on many mornings to call her mother, after her mother died, and then suddenly remembering that her mother was gone. These moments filled her with so much sadness. And yet, she felt, on some level, that her mother was still alive in a way.

As we talked about it, it became clear that my friend's experience of feeling that her mother was still alive was her own internal experience of her mother, which was very strong. I suggested to her that, even though her mother was not alive any more, she could still "talk" to her mother in her mind through meditation or in a ritual that she created for herself to honor their relationship.

Since my friend had never done this before, she felt a little strange at first. But as she thought about how she wanted to do this, she began by setting a special place on her bedroom dresser where she placed a few pictures of her mother and herself at various ages, including pictures of her mother and her when my friend was a child, a teen, an adult, and more recent pictures of them before her mother died. These pictures represented the various stages in their relationship from a close relationship when she was a child to a rocky adolescence with her mother, and to a more stable period when my friend became an adult and she and her mother reconciled their relationship. After she arranged the pictures to her satisfaction, she decided to place her mother's favorite flowers, irises, in a beautiful vase near the pictures. Then, she added a candle in her mother's favorite color, pink.

As she was creating this special space for her mother, my friend told me how comforting it was for her to set up this area that was dedicated to the memory of her mother and their relationship. She said it was also very satisfying to be creative and have this space be exactly as she wanted it to be. Then, when she was ready, she sat in front of the pictures and the lit candle. She allowed herself to do whatever felt right on that particular day without worrying about what she "should" do or how it ought to be. On certain days, she meditated silently. On other days, she "talked" to her mother about how she felt or her cares, concerns, or positive things that were going on in her life. On other days, she cried. On other days, she told her mother about the funny and wonderful things that were going on in her life.

After a few weeks, my friend felt that she was really connecting to her mother. She didn't make any judgments about what this meant, whether it was purely an internal experience or whether it was also a connection to her mother in the hereafter. She just allowed herself to have the experience and she knew that it was very comforting to her. After a couple of months, she no longer felt the need to do the ritual. By then, she was able to remember and experience her mother as being alive within herself without the ritual, and all she needed to do was think about her whenever she wanted. The ritual has served as a transitional time and space in her mourning.

During the next year or so, a couple of other friends lost their mothers. As we talked about these losses, we decided to get together and perform our own group ritual for the loved ones in our lives who had died. It was sort of a small, personal, memorial service. Each person brought pictures and a special memento that related to their loved one who had died. I brought pictures of my paternal grandfather, including a young, handsome picture of him in his Army uniform and more recent pictures of him before he died. Other friends brought pictures of their parents, siblings, friends, and pets.

We sat in a circle with candles lit on a low, small table and each one of us took turns "introducing" our loved one and saying something about him or her, whether it was a special memory, a story, or why this person was so special to us. In this way, we honored our deceased loved ones in this shared ritual.

Other personal rituals might include setting an intention for the day when you wake up, meditating at a time that feels right for you, praying, reading inspirational literature at a certain time of day, using visualizations, taking a special bath with herbs and candles, or whatever other rituals that would be meaningful to you.

When people create their own rituals, they often experience it as liberating, creative, and emotionally satisfying, especially if they can give themselves permission to create the ritual in whatever way is most meaningful to them without judging themselves.

When we create meaningful rituals for ourselves, we often reach deep inside ourselves and connect to the core of our being. The symbolism of the rituals, including using particular pictures, colors, scents, music, and visualizations helps to deepen our experience, which is deeply satisfying on an emotional and psychological level. Meaningful rituals often touch us in a deeper way that just using our logical, rational minds alone could ever do. And when we're immersed in a meaningful ritual, we often realize that, in our everyday busy lives, we've neglected that part of ourselves that needs to feel connected to deeper meaningful experiences.

Creating Your Own Meaningful Personal Ritual:
I've given you an example of how a friend created her own personal ritual, which helped her through a difficult time. You can create your own meaningful personal ritual and it can be to honor anything that you want including: a way to express gratitude for what you have in your life, a relaxing ritual at the end of the day to calm and soothe yourself (a bath with your favorite bath salts, oils, candles and incense can be very relaxing), a celebration of an accomplishment, and so on.

If you feel you would like to do this and you've never done it before, give yourself permission to be creative without judging yourself. No one needs to know about your personal ritual if you feel self conscious about it. Creating a personal ritual can get you in touch with that childlike, playful side of yourself. One of the keys to creating your own ritual is that it must feel meaningful and special to you, regardless of what you think others might think or what your own inner critical voice might be telling you.

When you create your own ritual, you often enter into your inner world in a special, timeless, transitional space, especially if you allow yourself to become immersed in the experience. It might feel like a solemn place where you just want to be quiet, or it might feel like a light, uplifting experience where you feel like you want to dance or sing. The great thing is that you have the freedom to create whatever you want and it be as spartan or as elaborate as you want it to be. You can use whatever symbols you need to help in deepening the experience for yourself. You have the freedom to do it for as long as it feels meaningful or to change it in whatever way that you want or stop whenever you want.

Journaling about your experiences with personal rituals can also help to capture the feelings, thoughts, and ideas that you have while performing the ritual. By journaling, I don't mean keeping a diary where you feel obligated to write something everyday. By journaling, I mean writing whatever captures the experience. It could be one word. It could be a drawing. It could be pages long if you feel inspired to write. Journaling about your experiences with personal rituals helps you to dialogue with yourself, if you want to, about the experience. It also helps you to look back on these experiences and to remember them.

People who enjoy creating rituals often experience their personal rituals as a part of having a meaningful life that helps them to feel more emotionally and psychologically balanced, while also continuing to take care of the everyday things that need your attention.

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist in NYC. I work with both individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

The Power of Rituals

2011-05-12T12:27:00.000-04:00

Rituals touch our lives in so many ways. From the simple everyday rituals of our morning routines to special occasions like celebrating our birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, holidays, and other rites of passage--all of these are rituals that we can experience at various times in our lives.

What are Rituals?
Aside from the everyday mundane rituals, what do we mean by "rituals"? Whether they are religious, civic, family, societal, or personal rituals are usually activities performed for their symbolic value and they are often meaningful to that particular group or community. For instance, most cultures have some type of ritual initiation. In Christianity, is a form of initiation. In Judaism, there is the bar or bat mitzvah. The ancient Greeks had the Eleusinian Mysteries. These ritual initiations are part of the rites of passage for these groups. They mark important transitions from one stage of life, as well as a particular stage of consciousness, to another.

The American mythologist, Joseph Campbell, discussed the importance of rituals and initiations when he discussed the "hero's journey." He believed the "hero's journey" was a common pattern found in many societies where the "hero" goes from the every day "Known World" on a quest through the "Unknown World," which contains ordeals and struggles to overcome, in order to return to the society of the "Known World" as a mature, valued, and contributing member of the community.

Healthy rituals can provide people with a sense of structure, comfort, stability, and a sense of continuity. Children need and want healthy rituals that they can depend on. An example of this would be the nighttime ritual of a parent reading a bedtime story to a child every night. Children usually love hearing the same stories over and over again because they like knowing what to expect and this is also how they learn an integrate information. So, the ritual is not only that the paent spends this special time with the child, it is also about the repetition of the story.

Are Rituals Always Healthy?
When we speak of rituals, we tend to think of healthy rituals that give comfort and a sense of stability. But there are also unhealthy rituals. For example, someone who is addicted to drugs usually undergoes certain ritualistic behavior when he or she is drug seeking (e.g., making the call to the drug dealer, setting up the drug paraphernalia, excited anticipation, and ingesting the drug). There are also rituals associated with smoking cigarettes, such as the after dinner cigarette. In general, there are many rituals associated with addictions.

If rituals are imposed on individuals, they are no longer meaningful. For instance, a young person who is forced to engage in religious rituals that are no longer meaningful to him or her would find these rituals to be stifling.

In future blog posts, I would like to explore how we can create our own meaningful rituals in our lives.

Resources:
The Joseph Campbell Foundation: http://www.jcf.org

Books:
The Power of Myth (1988) - by Joseph Campbell (with Bill Moyers)

The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949) - by Joseph Campbell

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist and EMDR therapist in NYC. I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Exploring Synchronicities - Part II

2011-05-07T05:25:00.016-04:00

In my prior blog post, Exploring Synchronicities - Part I, I discussed the nature of synchronicities and gave a brief summary of Carl Gustav Jung's theory (http://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2011/05/exploring-synchronicities-part-i.html). I also discussed how Jung's ideas on synchronicities and the occult was a contributing factor to the rift between Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud.

As I mentioned in the prior blog post, Jung's theory dominates the professional literature about synchronicities. However, there are other theories, which are psychodyamic explanations about the nature of synchronicities. One such theory is by Gibbs A. Williams, Ph.D. My intention today is to explore his concepts, which are detailed in his new book, Demystifying Meaningful Coincidences (Synchronicities) - The Evolving Self, the Personal Unconscious, and the Creative Process (2010).

I recently attended a professional talk with Dr. Williams in his West Village office, where he has been for the last 43 years. The talk was based on his research, which he writes about in his book. According to Dr. Williams, he has been exploring synchronicities for many years, including his own and his patients' synchronicities. Dr. Gibbs has recorded a fascinating collection of meaningful coincidences (or synchronicities) in his book.

Dr. Williams theory about synchronicities is in sharp contrast to Jung's concepts. As you may recall, Jung believed that when people have synchronicities, they are connecting to transcendent, spiritual experiences. Jung's theory is that synchronicities are connected to the collective unconscious and to spiritual archetypes. He also believed that these experiences could not be researched because they were acausal and unpredictable as to when they would occur. (For more on Carl Gustav Jung and his theories, go to the C.G. Jung Foundation in NYC website: (http://www.cgjungny.org).

Gibbs A. Williams' psychodynamic theory is that synchronistic experiences are not connected to any mystical or spiritual experiences, and they are not part of the collective unconscious. Dr. Williams' theory, as I understand it, is that synchronicities are naturalistic, psychodynamic, experiences. Rather than being part of the collective unconscious, synchronicities are part of the individuals' personal unconscious. As Dr. Williams explains it, these meaningful coincidences are a combination of 1) internal, creative processes and 2) an attunement with the environment. According to Dr. Willilams, the environment provides us with so much stimuli to choose from that, when we are having synchronistic experiences, we selectively attune to those that relate to our own internal creative process that we are undergoing at that point in time.

According to Dr. Williams, these synchronistic experiences tend to occur when people are either at emotional "stuck points" or impasses in their lives (the proverbial "fork in the road"), or if when these individuals are searchers or seekers of their own internal truth. He gave many interesting examples of his own and his patients' experiences with synchronicities. All of them are uncanny experiences. These and other experiences with meaningful coincidences are outlined in his book.

There are also other psychodynamic theories about synchronicities, including the theories of M.D. Faber in his seminal work, Synchronicity: C. G. Jung, Psychoanalysis and Religion. According to Faber, synchronicities are naturalistic, psychodynamic, regressive experiences. According to Dr. Wiliams, who takes Faber's concepts one step further, synchronicities are not only regressive experiences--they are also progressive experiences, providing opportunities for psychological synthesis and an internal cohesiveness for the individuals who have them.

Dr. Williams continues to do his research on synchronicities, and if you're interested in learning more about his theories or contributing your ideas and experiences, you can go to his website: http://www.gibbsonline.com.

I've been interested in synchronicities for many years. My own experiences usually occur through intuitive dreams where I have a dream that something will occur and within a short time, it actually occurs. My experience has been that I tend to have synchronicities when I write down and focus on my dreams. Over the years, I've had many intuitive dreams, mostly about people in my life, but also about impersonal experiences. Some of them have been uncanny experiences.

The intuitive dream that stands out in my mind was when I had a dream that I was visiting a friend, L. We were standing in her living room, and she told me about a car accident that our mutual friend, R, was just in. When I woke up, I wrote down the dream, but I didn't think much of it since I had just seen both of my friends and they were both fine. However, about a week later, I was visiting L and we were standing in her living room in the same spot where we stood in the dream, and she told me that she had just heard that R was in a car accident. She described the accident in the same way that she described it in my dream. Fortunately, R was not seriously injured.

Needless to say, I was shocked. In the past, I had other synchronistic experiences, but nothing like this. For me, this was truly an uncanny, awe-inspiring, meaningful coincidence. L and I talked about my dream and how it related to what had just occurred. We both agreed that this was surprising. Neither of us had an explanation for it at the time.

As I explained to Dr. Williams when I met him, it seems that, as far as I can tell, my own experiences with synchronicities don't fall neatly into Jungian concepts or into Williams' or Faber's explanation of synchronicities. I didn't experience them as part of a collective unconscious or related to archetypes. They were neither regressive experiences nor did they occur during emotional impasses. You could say that they are intuitive experiences, but this doesn't seem to be the whole explanation. So, it seems that more research is needed.

On the day that I attended Dr. Williams' talk, one other psychoanalyst attended. Since there were only two of us, we had a chance to have a conversation with Dr. Williams about his experiences as well as our own synchronicities rather than it being a formal presentation.

There was also an interesting coincidence that day: The other psychoanalyst had an office in the same small West Village building where I have my own office; she has been there for about the same length of time as I have been there; we're both there on the same days and travel up to our offices on the only elevator in the building--and yet we've never seen each other before until we met at this talk about synchronicities.

If you're interested in exploring your own synchronicities, I recommend that you keep a journal with your dreams and synchronicities. Dr. Williams also recommends that you include the context of what is going on in your life at the time and compare your synchronicities to your life experiences to see how they might relate.

To find out more about synchronicities, you can explore the following resources:

Websites:
Gibbs A. Willilams, Ph.D. website: http://www.gibbsonline.com.

Carl G. Jung Foundation in NYC: (http://www.cgjungny.org

Books:
Memories, Dreams, Reflections: Carl G. Jung

Man and His Symbols - Carl G. Jung

Demystifying Meaningful Coincidences (Synchronicities) - The Evolving Self, The Personal Unconscious, and the Creative Process - Gibbs A. Williams, Ph.D.

Synchronicity: C. G. Jung, Psychoanalysis and Religion - M.D. Faber

I am a NYC psychotherapist and psychoanalyst, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist. I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Exploring Synchronicities - Part I

2011-05-02T06:18:00.017-04:00

What Are Synchronicities?
Have you ever had the uncanny experience of thinking or dreaming about a person, place or an event and then having your thoughts or dreams actually manifest in your life? For most people, when this occurs, especially if these experiences occur with any regularity, it can be an awe-inspiring event that seems mysterious and even perplexing. Some people attribute these uncanny experiences to a connection with the divine. Others believe they are intuitive experiences, and others aren't sure what to make of them. But, for the majority of people who experience these uncanny events, they feel meaningful, and in many cases, they can be life changing experiences. But how are we to understand these events?

Psychoanalytic Theories About Synchronicities:
There are many views about synchronicities and their origins. Most theorists agree that synchronicities are meaningful coincidences. They seem to occur out of the blue and from nowhere. Often, synchronicities are pleasurable experiences that leave people feeling more integrated and that they are part of something much larger than themselves, as if their internal experiences are, somehow, connecting to something external that is much larger than themselves.

Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung:
Most of the literature on synchronicities is dominated by the writings of Carl Jung, who wrote about his experiences with synchronicities after he and Sigmund Freud had an irreparable falling out about the occult in the early 1900s.

Prior to their falling out, Freud, who was the father of psychoanalysis, viewed Jung as the "heir apparent" for psychoanalysis, the person who would carry on and continue to expound and develop Freud's views on psychoanalysis. Based on the literature and their letters to each other, it seems that Jung also saw himself in that role before their falling out. He used Freud's psychoanalytic theories with his own patients, but it seems that he felt that there was something missing in Freud's theories that he wanted to explore on his own.

Early on, Jung revered Freud. Jung was young enough to be Freud's son. Based on their correspondence to each other, Jung seemed to see Freud as his spiritual father. Jung's own father was, supposedly, very distant with Jung and his relationship with his mother was severed at a very early age due to her mental illness, so Jung grew up being a lonely child. So, his relationship with Freud was very meaningful to him, like the father that he never had. In their early correspondence to one another, there is a tone of father-son affection between them.

But for Jung, although he had great admiration, respect and reverence for Freud and he used Freud's psychoanalytic theory with patients with some success, he came to feel that there was something missing. He continued to explore psychoanalytic concepts on his own, and he came to the conclusion that Freud's psychoanalytic theory placed too much emphasis on sexuality and resolving the Oedipus Complex. Jung came to feel that Freud's psychoanalytic concepts were devoid of a much-needed sense of spirituality and were missing the importance of the pre-Oedipal period of infancy.

As you may know, Freud was essentially an atheist and a rationalist. Jung, on the other hand, had a strong sense of curiosity about all types of spirituality from different cultures and also about the occult. Freud was also curious about the occult, but only to a point. He was wary of what he came to see as Jung's obsession with the occult and this is what eventually lead to the break between them.

One fateful day, Jung and Freud were talking about psychoanalysis and the occult in Freud's study. Apparently, Freud warned Jung against getting too involved and obsessed with the occult. If we can imagine this scene: Here were two geniuses who, until then, liked and had a mutual affection for one another, who were beginning to clash over ideas that each of them held very dear. According to the story, Jung began to feel very angry, as if he was burning up inside. Then, suddenly, as if from nowhere, they were both startled by a loud noise from Freud's bookcase. It seemed to come from nowhere.

As the story goes, Jung told Freud that this noise was evidence of occult phenomenon. Freud was curious about what just happened, but he wasn't buying that this had anything to do with the occult, so he dismissed Jung's assertions, which angered Jung even more. So, Jung told Freud that he would prove to Freud that the noise was an occult manifestation and predicted that it would happen again. And, sure enough, the loud noise occurred again and Freud was startled and amazed by this.

After this Freud and Jung each explored what this sudden noise might have been. Jung continued to attribute it to a mysterious occult manifestation. Initially, Freud was curious about this and he didn't completely dismiss it as out of hand, especially after Jung seemed able to predict that it would occur a second time. However, over time, Freud concluded that the noise occurred due to a change in temperature in the room and the bookcase, which was made of wood, creaking (although he seemed to have no explanation as to why it occurred a second time, as Jung predicted). After that, he dismissed Jung's ideas about the incident completely, which continued to infuriate Jung.

As previously mentioned, early on, Freud saw Jung as the "heir apparent" who would carry on his psychoanalytic theory and his legacy. But as Jung continued to explore the occult, Freud became concerned that Jung's ideas would be harmful for psychoanalysis. As the story goes, Freud feared that people would view Jung's ideas about psychoanalysis and the occult as outrageous and this would lead to the demise of the development of psychoanalysis. Freud had dedicated his life to developing his psychoanalytic theory, and he very much wanted to have a proponent of his ideas, his "heir apparent," to be taken seriously so that psychoanalysis would continue to grow and develop throughout the world.

After the incident in Freud's study, their relationship became more distant, which must have been painful for both of them, but it was especially painful for Jung. After the break in their friendship and professional relationship, Jung had what Jungians have come to describe as "a creative illness, " essentially a nervous breakdown. However, being the creative genius that he was, he was able to continue to see patients through this period and he also began writing about his own internal experiences in the Red Book, including his experiences with meaningful coincidences, also known as synchronicities.

Jung saw synchronicities as being inspired by the divine. In his view, which is the view that dominates in professional literature, when someone experiences a synchronicity (or a meaningful coincidence), he or she is getting in touch with the collective unconscious and archetypetal figures in the spiritual or occult realm. Jung felt that, because these uncanny experiences occurred suddenly and out of the blue, they could not be researched or explained in any other way.

In future blog posts, I will continue to explore this fascinating phenomenon of synchronicities and present an alternative, psychodynamic theory, based on the work of the NYC psychoanalyst, Gibbs A. Williams, Ph.D., that differs from Jung's archetypal/collective unconscious theory.

In the meantime, keeping a journal of your synchronicities can be a fascinating experience, especially if you include the context of what's going on in your life at the time. More on this in future blog posts.

I am licensed NYC psychotherapist, contemporary psychoanalyst, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation in my NYC office, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Psychotherapy: Opening Up to New Possibilities in Your Life

2011-02-15T10:15:00.024-05:00

As a psychotherapist in NYC, I am continually amazed at the new possibilities that open up in people's lives when they work through old wounds or trauma that have kept them trapped, sometimes for many years, in old, constricted patterns that have robbed their lives of joy and aliveness.

I have many different treatment modalities that I use, including psychodynamic psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral treatment, and mind-body oriented psychotherapy like clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing, depending upon the needs of the client. I usually find that clients' lives often begin to open up in ways that they never imagined possible when they work through problems that they didn't even realize were holding them back in their lives.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases with no identifying information (to protect confidentiality) is an example of this phenomenon:

Nina:
Nina was in her early 40s when she came to see me. At the time, she had not been in a relationship for several years. She was very lonely and wanted to be in a relationship, but whenever she began dating someone that she liked, she was overcome with so much fear and self doubt that, without realizing it at the time, she would find a way to sabotage the relationship before it could develop any further. It was only after the relationships ended that she realized that she had sabotaged them, but by then it was too late. She knew that she was caught in an old pattern that was keeping her stuck, but she didn't know how to break the cycle.

Not surprisingly, she had the same pattern with her prior psychotherapists. She would become so uncomfortable in her therapy that, even when she liked the therapist at the start of therapy, she would become too anxious to stay in therapy when she and the therapist began delving into some of her core issues. At the point when she came to see me, she was feeling the same fear and ambivalence about what might come up in therapy that might make her want to run out the door.

Given how fearful and ambivalent Nina felt about beginning therapy again, it was important to begin the work by helping Nina to have a sense of safety in the therapy. We began by doing some emotionally grounding exercises to help her feel calm. We also worked on her picturing in her mind's eye various friends, allies and protector figures that she could call on in her mind to be with her when she began to feel afraid. In addition, we worked on Nina establishing a safe or relaxing place where she could go in her mind whenever anything that we talked about made her feel too uncomfortable.

Just from doing these simple, but powerful, exercises, I could see her breathing calmed down, her jaw unclenched, and the color came back into her face. These exercises helped Nina to stay present in the sessions and, knowing that we could stop whenever she began to feel too uncomfortable, allowed her to feel safer and in control.

We also worked with her problems in a titrated way. We didn't dive into the most traumatic issues immediately because these issues were too emotionally activating for Nina. Instead, we would do a piece of the work that felt tolerable to her in each session and, based on Somatic Experiencing principles, we might go back and forth between the talking about the problem and Nina visualizing her safe or relaxing place.

In Somatic Experiencing this is called pendulation, which means that the client and therapist "pendulate" between Nina actively working on a problem and experiencing the calm and safety of visualizing the safe place or her supportive friends, allies and protective figures. This pendulation might happen several times in a session, depending upon Nina's needs. However, as Nina began to build more resilience and emotional capacity over time, she relied on these techniques less.

With regard to Nina's fears and self doubts in intimate relationships, as we explored her family history, we began to make connections between her current feelings and how she was shamed in her family as a child. Her parents, who were otherwise loving and well-meaning people, were very concerned that their children shouldn't developed "swelled heads" or become too egotistical. So, to counteract this concern, their pattern was to down play any of their children's accomplishments.

So, when any of the children, including Nina, brought home an "A" from school or won a prize for accomplishing something outstanding, rather than praising their children, they would warn them about the dangers of "resting on their laurels" and becoming complacent. The effect for Nina was that she could almost never feel a sense of healthy pride or joy about what she accomplished. Instead, she developed a pattern of discounting what she had accomplished, and she worried about what she would have to do next. At an early age, her life was robbed of the joy, aliveness, and self confidence she might have felt if she was allowed to bask in healthy pride.

Nina's parents were also very worried and insecure about the future. Even though, from a practical point of view, the family was financially secure and there was no objective reason to think that they would become destitute, both parents lived their lives as if their financial security could be robbed at any moment. They imparted to their children that they all had to be very careful and on guard about what might happen in the future that could take everything away at a moment's notice. No doubt, Nina's parents were very affected by their own experiences of trauma in their families of origin, and they never went to therapy to work this out.

In addition, although they were well liked in their community, when they were behind closed doors at home with Nina and their siblings, her parents warned them against trusting people too much outside of their family. As a child, whenever Nina brought home a new friend, her parents were polite and friendly. But when that friend left, her parents expressed their wariness about what these friends' parents might be like and that Nina had to be very careful with "outsiders."

Although Nina could see, even when she was a young child, that her parents' fears and worries were extreme, she couldn't help internalizing these fears herself. As an adult, she realized that these fears that she internalized kept her from getting very close to men. She wanted very much to be different from her parents, but her parents' repeated warnings, from the time that Nina was very young, caused the internalization process to go very deep in her. So that, even though she wanted to be different, she continued to have these same fears.

Nina described her pattern in romantic relationships to be one where she started out really liking the man that she was seeing and wanting to spend time with him. But then her doubts and fears about herself and about this new man in her life would take over and she would find a way to end the relationship.

To start breaking this pattern, we worked gradually to disentangle Nina's positive feelings from her doubts and fears. There is a technique in Somatic Experiencing called "uncoupling" where the Somatic Experiencing therapist helps the client to disentangle two or more emotions that have become over associated in a distorted way. These over associations (or "over couplings", as they are called in Somatic Experiencing) can be very powerful and this can take time. Often, we don't even realize that these over couplings are a part of our emotional makeup until we start working on these feelings.

Very often, once a client has "uncoupled" a tangle of emotional distortions, they feel a sense of new energy and new possibilities opening up for them. In Somatic Experiencing this is often compared to having a bunch of colorful pipe cleaners that were tangled together and which are disentangled and separated. After these feelings are uncoupled, clients can often see what belongs to them now and what are the old feelings from "back then" that no longer apply. It can be a very empowering experience.

Nina and I also worked on allowing herself to feel good about her accomplishments without allowing those old feelings that crept up on her ruin her healthy sense of pride and joy. This involved another uncoupling process to separate out healthy feelings of pride, which are normal, from feeling shame and fear about feeling "too good" about herself. Whenever Nina was able to allow herself to feel good in session, we worked towards helping her to amplify those feelings in her body and allowing herself to bask and luxuriate in them so that she could re-establish a sense of joy, vigor, and healthy pride in herself.

The work was not easy for Nina but, over time, she began to see that she was opening up to new possibilities in her life. She was more open to allowing herself to take more emotional risks by opening up more to people, which would have been unthinkable for her before. She started dating again and when she felt her fear and self doubt beginning to get in the way, she used the resources that she developed in our therapy sessions to overcome them.

Her emotional range of resiliency continued to expand until she could feel a real sense of aliveness and joy that she had not felt in many years. She described it as feeling more like herself. She began to trust her judgment more with regard to choosing healthy relationships. She was more open to meeting and connecting with new people so she was no longer lonely. She also met the man that she eventually married.

By the time Nina successfully completed therapy, she almost looked like a different person. The worry, fear and doubt that had been etched in her face were gone. She had a sense of aliveness and vitality. She also allowed herself to take in the love from her husband that she needed and deserved and she was also able to allow herself to give love freely to him in return.

Often, people are stuck in old patterns that keep their lives small and constricted. Their emotions are tamped down. These patterns rob their lives of aliveness and joy, but they don't realize it or, if they do, they don't know how to change it.

If you're aware that you have emotional patterns that are preventing you from living life fully, you owe it to yourself to break free from these patterns by getting help from a licensed psychotherapist who has experience working with these issues.

To overcome these patterns, my professional experience has been that mind-body oriented psychotherapy offers possibilities that regular talk therapy often doesn't offer.

As I mentioned earlier,I work in many different ways and I often combine different techniques, depending upon the needs of the client. Every client is unique and my work is collaborative, so that each treatment plan is a collaboration with the client.

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist in NYC.

I have helped many clients to overcome old emotional patterns so they can open their lives to new possibilities and a sense of joy and aliveness.

To find out more about mind-body oriented psychotherapy, you can visit the following websites:

Somatic Experiencing: http://www.traumahealing.com.

Clinical hypnosis: http://www.ASCH.net

EMDR: http://www.EMDRIA.org

To find out more about me, visit my website: http://www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Dreams and Embodied Imagination

2011-01-30T14:27:00.011-05:00

NIP Annual 2011 Conference: "New Worlds of Psychoanalytic Dream Work"

Yesterday, I attended a very intriguing annual conference at NIP (National Institute of Psychotherapies) called "New Worlds of Psychoanalytic Dream Work" here in NYC. Their first speaker was the world-renown Dutch Jungian psychoanalyst, Robert Bosnak. Mr. Bosnak has developed a very exciting and innovative way of working with dreams that he calls Embodied Imagination.

During the conference, Mr. Bosnak explained Embodied Imagination and then gave an amazing live presentation of his work. The woman who volunteered to present her dream was someone who Mr. Bosnak had worked with mostly through Skype, since she lives in NYC and he currently lives in California, for a short time, as preparation for the conference. He was not her primary therapist.

Borrowing from the early Greek healing arts involving healing incubation, where people who wanted healing went to the Temple of Aesklepius, prior to the conference, Mr. Bosnak asked this volunteer to focus every day on certain health symptoms that she was experiencing in order to "incubate" a healing dream.

As you may know, the early Greeks went to the Temple of Aesklepius hoping that they would meet the healing god in their dreams so that they could be cured of their medical problems. In those days, people didn't think of their dreams as being symbolic--they believed that if they had a dream where they saw the healing god, Aesklepius, it was as real an experience as any waking experience.

During the conference, Mr. Bosnak demonstrated his phenomenological technique of Embodied Imagination while he induced a hypnogogic state in the dream volunteer. (The hypnogogic state is the state between waking and sleeping.) His work is a very big departure from traditional or even contemporary psychoanalytic traditions of doing dream work.

As he went over the dream with the dreamer, he asked her not only to embody her dream self in her imagination, but also to embody other people and inanimate objects in her dream. Rather than experience these people and objects as if they were parts of herself, as she might in parts work or in Gestalt therapy, Mr. Bosnak asked the dreamer to use her imagination to become each of these people and objects in the dream and related their experiences, including inanimate objects like a car.

Notwithstanding the fact that there were at least 300 psychoanalysts and psychotherapists in the room, Mr. Bosnak and the dream volunteer did amazing work, which appeared to be healing for the particular type of medical problem that she was having. It is noteworthy that Mr. Bosnak didn't know anything about the dream beforehand. He was hearing it for the first time with the rest of us.

We could see how they both got to material in the dream that they probably would not have accessed if they approached the dream in the conventional manner. It was very exciting, to say the least, to observe this. For most of us in the room, it was a challenge and an invitation to consider how we work with dreams.

Mr. Bosnak has moved away from the conventional idea that dreams have a defensive structure. He also does not work with what is often described as manifest (what is obvious) and latent (what cannot be readily seen) content in his work with Embodied Imagination.

If you have been reading my blog, you are probably aware that I'm very interested in the mind-body connection in my work, so I'm always interested in hearing new techniques for working in this way. Some of Mr. Bosnak's methodology reminded me of Somatic Experiencing (http://www.traumahealing.com/), which is a form of therapy that I already use in my psychotherapy private practice

Most people who are familiar with Jung's work know that he worked with what he called Active Imagination. He also used Active Imagination in his Red Book. However, Mr. Bosnak seems to have gone beyond Active Imagination.

Robert Bosnak has traveled all over the world, and he has witnessed many different ways of working with dreams phenomenologically, including working with dreams shamanically. He reminds us that how we perceive dreams is very much tied to our cultural understanding.

Just before going to sleep last night, I began to read Robert Bosnak's book, Embodiment - Creative Imagination in Medicine, Art and Travel. I got up to Page 5 when I dropped off to sleep and I had the following dream:

I'm talking to Mr. Bosnak about his method of working with dreams. We're sitting face-to-face at close range. I'm mostly listening to him very intensely and thinking about how I can use this method of doing dream work with my clients. As I take in this new way of working with dreams, I feel very excited and slightly frustrated. Then, I realize and think to myself, "Time is the key. He slows everything down and gives the work lots of time."

When I woke up, I wrote down this dream as well as several other dreams that I had last night.

After I wrote down my dreams, I picked up Mr. Bosnak's book, Embodiment, and began reading again. I was surprised and delighted to find that when I resumed reading and got to the next page, Page 6, he talks about time and the slowness of time when transitioning from the dreaming to the waking state. I felt as if Mr. Bosnak and I had an actual conversation about Embodied Imagination and the nature of time in this work, and here it was confirmed when I resumed reading his book.

It's a fallacy when some people say that they either don't dream or they rarely dream. Everyone dreams at least five dreams a night, but not everyone remembers their dreams.

Whether or not you remember your dreams has a lot to do with how you wake up. If you're someone who takes a while to transition from the sleep state to the waking state, transitioning slowly so that you still retain the feeling state that you were in while you were sleeping, you're more likely to remember your dreams. However, if you tend to wake up suddenly without making that slow transition, you're less likely to remember your dreams.

If you're interested in learning more about your dreams, which are often a rich source of information, I recommend that you keep a pad and pen by your bed. Having a strong intention and telling yourself that you want to remember your dreams before you go to sleep helps to give your unconscious the message that dreams are important to you.

When you wake up, rather than jumping out of bed, take a few moments to stay immersed in the dream state. Especially, do not change your position. So, for example, if you're lying on your left side, don't turn around right away. Remain like that for a few moments and allow the details of the dream to emerge.

Then, write down your dreams in the present tense as if you're still in the dream. Even if it's a fragment of a dream, write down whatever you remember. Usually, you'll find that, as you begin to remember your dreams from the night before, you'll remember them in reverse order, with the last dream first (the dream closest to waking up) and then the next to the last dream, and so on.

Very often, if you write down your dreams, over time, you begin to see interesting synchronicities between your dreaming and waking states. I believe that this isn't as unusual as most people think and that, over time, most people can tap into this inner resource. I believe it's a natural ability that most of us have if we're willing to develop it.

Several years ago, when I was working on my dreams every day, I saw very interesting synchronicities. I also had precognitive dreams where I dreamt about certain things happening before they actually happened. I didn't have any earth-shattering premonitions about world events--they were mostly personal incidents in my life. My point is that I saw a connection between paying attention to my dreams and the ability to tap into an inner precognitive resource.

If you want to find out more about Robert Bosnak's method of Embodied Imagination and his way of working with dreams, you can visit the website for the Embodied Imagination Institute: www.cyberdreamwork.com. You can also read his book, Embodiment, which is written in an accessible way.

Mr. Bosnak also heads up the Santa Barbara Healing Sanctuary, and you can visit their website at: www.sbhsanctuary.com.

I have been fascinated by dreams since I was a teenager and I enjoy doing dream work with my clients. I find that dream work often helps clients to gain a perspective of themselves and others that they wouldn't ordinarily otherwise have access to in other ways. I also enjoy using clinical hypnosis to re-enter the dream state, and I have found this to be very useful to clients.

To find out more about me, visit my website: www.josephine-ferraro.com.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.